Leftover

I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict, but my son is. For about 20 years now, I have watched him slip further and further into his addiction. There have been many attempts to recover. There have been many attempts to kill himself. There have been few months of sobriety. He now says he is sober even though he binges, leaving his wife and children and holing up in a hotel room for a few days. He says he thinks AA is a bunch of crap, God is a bunch of crap. He says has tried to fit into our family, but just gets sh@t on, so he is done. He has said horrible things to his sister, who helped his family while he was drunk. He claims no one calls him and that we, his parents, treat him and his family different than our other adult children and grandchildren. I think I said most of what he's told me. Of course, I see this differently. I love him. I've spent all these years trying to help (enable) him. I finally started thinking of myself, and with the help of Alanon. ( he thinks that is crap too) walked away from his addiction. Recently this has all gotten worse and i've begun to have extreme anxiety over this. My health is beginning to suffer and I keep thinking i'm losing him. I would like to hear from other alcoholics and know if his behavior is normal addict behavior. How should I react and what should I say to him. He is painting himself as a victim that no one is caring about or supporting. He has called me, stoned drunk. When I asked him why....he said he was hoping for a little support. He has me doubting myself and my decisions. Help me please. My prayers to each of you who struggle with this fierce disease.

Chex

Avoid enabling, but keep loving. You can't make him see. Only he can. There is an old movie with Jimmy Cagney about getting sober. he heard "the flutter of Angel's wings" a nice metaphor for hitting bottom.

Hold on. He loves you. He may not love himself. Remind him why he is important.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation leftover.

I don't know if it's normal but I certainly pushed away those who loved me.

There was no logic to it - I just wanted to drink, I was doing ok - and where did those people get off anyway tell me what to do with my life?

I simply wasn't ready until I was ready - and I was the only person who could do anything about that, leftover.

I see you're already been in our FFA forum- you'll get some great advice there on how to look after you.

I hope your son experiences the same moment of clarity I did

D

Leftover

Thanks Chex And Dee. Do I sound desperate? Oh, of course I love him. But my detachment makes him think I don't care. At least that's what I think he's telling me. It may be manipulation because he feels such guilt. How do I NOT enable, but still show him my love? he has pulled so far away. I call, email, leave messages. It's hard to be a mom and let go and let God.

Dee74

The way I look at things now is a complete 180 degrees from the way I saw things then, leftover.

I hope one day your son will come to you and say 'I understand now why you did what you did'

Leftover

You know Dee, when he was working a program, he did understand and support my program. He invited me to AA get togethers. He spoke to other recovering alcoholics. He came to Alanon activities. Now, however, his addiction is in charge and it is worse then ever. I too hope he comes to me with understanding, but with each relapse his attitude and thinking seem to be more "off". Im sure you know what I mean. I know that I need to take care of me. The physical symptoms i've been experiencing are not caused by a medical condition, but from my stress level. I am working hard to let this go and thank you for listening.

davaidavai

Strangly enough, your son kind of sounds like my father. He calls when he has run out of drug money. He tells me to go to hell. He never apologizes. His bottom seems to be a place where he is strapped for cash and is himself ready to overlook the harms I have done him , where he proceeds to try to enlist me in his struggle against the world. People are idiots, etc. He is the great genius who is of course excused from egotism by an underlying self-hatred. His wall of ego has no chinks. Everything is backed up and bolstered by lies and then fear of self admission. He demands moral support. He demands chump change and then curses us for not giving him 20 dollars even as he has again and again scoffed at notions of responsiblity and frugality. Then, we don't hear from him for months. And, sure enough, two months down the road he'll be strapped for cash. The cycle repeats itself. He's been doing this for years, and he has never apologized. He has never blamed himself, his addiction for his borderline homelessness. He blames his family. He blames the idiot world.

The thing warps people, turns them inside out, so that the exact wrong thing is, in their mind, right. This is like the nature of the ego, I guess. Left to run wild, it produces something like evil. This elaborate, relentless lie. The wrongness of it bends the mind and lends one to question one's self. Wait! Maybe I really am at fault. But you're not. My father is a hardcore drug addict. Your son is a hardcore alcoholic.

I like what George McGovern says. If you must separate yourself, just, you know, write once in a while and tell him you love him. It's OK to be in touch.