Counterintuitive emotions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Counterintuitive emotions
Of late i.e. the last couple of days I've been having some pretty insteresting emotional experiences. IBeen sober just over 3 months BTW)
The first was the shame that I felt when I went on Wednesday to collect my paycheque. I actually wanted to wait to go and pick up my paycheque because I didn't want to look too eager. But my bank puts a 5 day hold on the funds so I had to get it in the bank as soon as possible. When I went to collect my paycheque my boss was there and she gave me this look like, "of course you are here to pick up your cheque" (read this in a sarcastic, disdainful way) That's what I thought she was thinking. Perhaps its just my alkie brain projecting all kinds of crap all over her. I am not God, I do not know what people think.
Then after that I went to pick up some hardwood flooring at the Home Depot to renovate my condo. The back story on this - my parents helped me buy a condo. I was responsible for paying all the bills such as property tax, maintenance and mortgage. I had such grand plans to reno the place when I moved in there. And then I started to drink way way too much. So much that I lost my job and had to move out so that we could rent the place. We've had tenants in there for the last 2 maybe 3 years or so. The last tenant hasn't worked very well. She's always late with the rent meaning my parents have to cover it. And because the place wasn't in the greatest shape we haven't been able to rent it at the going market rate for some thing in that area. Meaning that my parents have had to cover the difference. Its a constant source of guilt for me. So the plan was that when she moved out, we will tear out the carpet (which was in bad shape when I moved in to begin with) put down some hardwood flooring, slap some fresh paint and a working dishwasher and we should be able to get a tenant who pays the rent on time for at least a year while I look for a professional job.
My mother and I had discussed it, and due to them covering the shortfalls over the last couple of years they need me to pay for the renovations. Part of the money came from my tax refund, part of it is from savings. I know that I would not have been able to hold on to that money had I been drinking, nor would I have had a job to top things up and so on. But I feel bad that every time there's been a big project in my life, my parent's have been right behind me in the drivers's seat. Its like I'm not quite capable of accomplishing things without them and that makes me sad. I should have felt happy that I had actually come through on this but I feel really down about the lack of any accomplishments in my life that don't involve my parents. And I feel ashamed about needing my paycheque. (I am well aware that the paycheque bit doesn't make any sense.)
Anyway I called the AA hotline when I felt the shame feelings about the paycheque and again when I bought the flooring. I called someone I had met in the rooms and none of them really had an answer for me. I was hoping that these were typically alkie feelings but I guess they are not. I think that this is something that I need to talk over with a therapist. I really think that this is why I don't reach out because what I'm looking for is to be soothed emotionally or trying to find a source for my feelings which I don't get at AA meetings. After collecting my paycheque I felt very distressed. I felt like I didn't deserve it because I hadn't done absolutely everything right at my job in the two week pay period. (Following this logic I don't deserve to get paid at all).
And then today I had class which as I've mentioned before is ALWAYS triggering. Why? I don't understand why going to school would make me want to drink. Its driving me crazy!! I need to pass these classes so that I can get my accounting designation and get a better paying job. That's something I've wanted FOR YEARS.
I have also started looking for professional jobs. Just filling out the application form on workopolis made me feel so anxious that I couldn't actually apply for jobs. I had to stop and try again the next day. I felt anxious all day long about filling out the application form. Why? I feel that people are going to look at my resume with its multiple job changes and just think - Red Flag. Do. Not. Hire. Or laught at me. Or look down on me for being out of the field for three years. I feel shame when I look at my work history and remember what kind of employee I was. LifeBlows - the employee who showed up drunk, or hungover or late nearly every day. Such shame. I think part of the reason why I avoided looking for a better job was because I wasn't ready to face this back in the summer.
Good things are happening, I'm meeting my goals but this is making me feel depressed and ashamed and triggered to drink. This is completely counterintuitive. I need a better way to cope with the anxiety I'm feeling. Private insurance to cover my prescription meds didn't work out so I plan to get the forms for government health insurance tomorrow. I also called the drug and alcohol help line and got the number for a community withdrawal program so that I can see a counsellor there. I hope that works and I really can't afford it but I plan to see a therapist at my own expense by the end of the month. I have to do something because I don't know that I'll be able to hang in there much longer if I don't.
I'm not craving alcohol BTW I just want some relief from what's going on and alcohol is my go to substance because I know that it has worked before. I ate fast food yesterday a whole plate of chinese and it didn't give me the high I used to get from food. It didn't taste as good. Sometimes I want to drink again and then I think that the same thing will happen. The fantasy of drinking alcohol again will not live up to the reality and I will have thrown away 3 months of sobriety. I wanted to drink de-alcoholized wine but I want to be able to stay I've had No alcohol at all and this still has .3% alcohol.
The first was the shame that I felt when I went on Wednesday to collect my paycheque. I actually wanted to wait to go and pick up my paycheque because I didn't want to look too eager. But my bank puts a 5 day hold on the funds so I had to get it in the bank as soon as possible. When I went to collect my paycheque my boss was there and she gave me this look like, "of course you are here to pick up your cheque" (read this in a sarcastic, disdainful way) That's what I thought she was thinking. Perhaps its just my alkie brain projecting all kinds of crap all over her. I am not God, I do not know what people think.
Then after that I went to pick up some hardwood flooring at the Home Depot to renovate my condo. The back story on this - my parents helped me buy a condo. I was responsible for paying all the bills such as property tax, maintenance and mortgage. I had such grand plans to reno the place when I moved in there. And then I started to drink way way too much. So much that I lost my job and had to move out so that we could rent the place. We've had tenants in there for the last 2 maybe 3 years or so. The last tenant hasn't worked very well. She's always late with the rent meaning my parents have to cover it. And because the place wasn't in the greatest shape we haven't been able to rent it at the going market rate for some thing in that area. Meaning that my parents have had to cover the difference. Its a constant source of guilt for me. So the plan was that when she moved out, we will tear out the carpet (which was in bad shape when I moved in to begin with) put down some hardwood flooring, slap some fresh paint and a working dishwasher and we should be able to get a tenant who pays the rent on time for at least a year while I look for a professional job.
My mother and I had discussed it, and due to them covering the shortfalls over the last couple of years they need me to pay for the renovations. Part of the money came from my tax refund, part of it is from savings. I know that I would not have been able to hold on to that money had I been drinking, nor would I have had a job to top things up and so on. But I feel bad that every time there's been a big project in my life, my parent's have been right behind me in the drivers's seat. Its like I'm not quite capable of accomplishing things without them and that makes me sad. I should have felt happy that I had actually come through on this but I feel really down about the lack of any accomplishments in my life that don't involve my parents. And I feel ashamed about needing my paycheque. (I am well aware that the paycheque bit doesn't make any sense.)
Anyway I called the AA hotline when I felt the shame feelings about the paycheque and again when I bought the flooring. I called someone I had met in the rooms and none of them really had an answer for me. I was hoping that these were typically alkie feelings but I guess they are not. I think that this is something that I need to talk over with a therapist. I really think that this is why I don't reach out because what I'm looking for is to be soothed emotionally or trying to find a source for my feelings which I don't get at AA meetings. After collecting my paycheque I felt very distressed. I felt like I didn't deserve it because I hadn't done absolutely everything right at my job in the two week pay period. (Following this logic I don't deserve to get paid at all).
And then today I had class which as I've mentioned before is ALWAYS triggering. Why? I don't understand why going to school would make me want to drink. Its driving me crazy!! I need to pass these classes so that I can get my accounting designation and get a better paying job. That's something I've wanted FOR YEARS.
I have also started looking for professional jobs. Just filling out the application form on workopolis made me feel so anxious that I couldn't actually apply for jobs. I had to stop and try again the next day. I felt anxious all day long about filling out the application form. Why? I feel that people are going to look at my resume with its multiple job changes and just think - Red Flag. Do. Not. Hire. Or laught at me. Or look down on me for being out of the field for three years. I feel shame when I look at my work history and remember what kind of employee I was. LifeBlows - the employee who showed up drunk, or hungover or late nearly every day. Such shame. I think part of the reason why I avoided looking for a better job was because I wasn't ready to face this back in the summer.
Good things are happening, I'm meeting my goals but this is making me feel depressed and ashamed and triggered to drink. This is completely counterintuitive. I need a better way to cope with the anxiety I'm feeling. Private insurance to cover my prescription meds didn't work out so I plan to get the forms for government health insurance tomorrow. I also called the drug and alcohol help line and got the number for a community withdrawal program so that I can see a counsellor there. I hope that works and I really can't afford it but I plan to see a therapist at my own expense by the end of the month. I have to do something because I don't know that I'll be able to hang in there much longer if I don't.
I'm not craving alcohol BTW I just want some relief from what's going on and alcohol is my go to substance because I know that it has worked before. I ate fast food yesterday a whole plate of chinese and it didn't give me the high I used to get from food. It didn't taste as good. Sometimes I want to drink again and then I think that the same thing will happen. The fantasy of drinking alcohol again will not live up to the reality and I will have thrown away 3 months of sobriety. I wanted to drink de-alcoholized wine but I want to be able to stay I've had No alcohol at all and this still has .3% alcohol.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Maybe instead of shame, it's decent regret.
Things didn't happen the way they might have if we didn't develop alcoholism.
But we did, and it affected our lives.
It is what it is.
We know what is wrong. Now we get to make it right.
Sounds like fear to me as well.
Fear of what I have, or don't have, fear of people and what they think of me. Fear time is passing by, and I can't fix my problems.
Impending doom.
I can relate.
Hang in there.
We need relief from what's going on but we are big deal makers. Everything is alright.
Do you have your big book? Read pages 86-88 tomorrow morning upon awakening. Get a piece of paper and pen (or notebook!)...and consider all words, prayers, instruction.
Putting this into practice has helped me with the anxiety. We seek a new relief.
Things didn't happen the way they might have if we didn't develop alcoholism.
But we did, and it affected our lives.
It is what it is.
We know what is wrong. Now we get to make it right.
Sounds like fear to me as well.
Fear of what I have, or don't have, fear of people and what they think of me. Fear time is passing by, and I can't fix my problems.
Impending doom.
I can relate.
Hang in there.
We need relief from what's going on but we are big deal makers. Everything is alright.
Do you have your big book? Read pages 86-88 tomorrow morning upon awakening. Get a piece of paper and pen (or notebook!)...and consider all words, prayers, instruction.
Putting this into practice has helped me with the anxiety. We seek a new relief.
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