thatistheplan

My first post here. I was thinking about everything and decided I needed to find a place with other similar people to talk about this with, or even just vent a bit.

I'm 16 and I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. Nice to meet you all.

I started drinking in response to a breakup about four months ago that was probably the single most emotionally devastating thing to ever happen to me, I mean I really went through some **** with this guy. He raped me, got me into drinking lightly at first (then after he dumped me I got into drinking heavily on my own) and drugs. I was one of the most sheltered kids ever before meeting him, I never wanted any booze and I thought I was going to go with the whole "virgin till marriage thing". So much for that right?

Anyway, the alcohol.

I admitted to myself that I had a real problem after the thought actually crossed my mind that I'd be willing to do literally anything for someone to buy me alcohol. I have people I can get it from, but they won't buy for me anymore because they think I have a problem too. So the last time I had a drink was about a month ago. It feels like going through a second breakup. even while I was still with the ex and the drinking began, I felt this weird sense that the booze was the true love of my life. I feel like in a way it always will be, when something produces such a euphoria and provides such a gorgeous escape, it's absolutely precious, you'd kill for it if you had to. And I really would do anything to be able to have another drink. My life is pretty good other than the bad things that happened with the ex, I'm very well-off, I'm surrounded by people who love me, I have a pretty awesome life - but still the urge to drink is always, always there. I'll be sitting and watching tv or reading a book and think, "I wish I had a drink". Sometimes I have this fantasy about getting drunk, then when I start to sober up I have another drink, and so on for days.

When I am drunk it feels like there is a distinct "snap" in my head, something just "snaps" into place. When I'm drunk, everything is real and good and right, and when I sober up it's like everything becomes fake. Does anyone else get that?

Anyway, I'm tired of this. I want to either drink and drink for the rest of my days (not an option) or feel relief without the alcohol and learn to be independent of it. How did everyone else cope? How long did it take?

Thank you to anyone who even reads, you don't have to respond - reading is okay too. Sorry if it was totally incoherent, I just wanted to spill the feelings out somewhere as they came to me, and I did.

Dee74

I think most of us come to feel, on some level, that being drunk or high is 'right'... for me it was an escape from my ordinary life, and a relaxation, a respite that I couldn't seem to find anywhere else....

addiction is very persuasive, and pretty soon we try and use the escape as much as we can.

The trouble is of course the promise is an empty one. Not only does the price become too high to pay, but the escape stops working anyway.

The good news is - there is life after drinking.

I drank for over 20 years and, yes it was hard to learn to live without it - it wasn't an overnight change...there was a difficult transitional phase...but I wasn't alone - I found a ton of support here and I know you will too.

You;re young and you've not been drinking for decades - you have an excellent chance here to turn things around and never look back

I know its difficult to trust people you've just met...but ti really does get easier

There's a lot of support off this forum too - have you considered things like AA, or some other programme, or seeing your Dr for their opinion?

Did you ever receive any counselling for what happened?

If you're still at school, are there any avenues for help through your school?

There's a lot of paths open to you - welcome to SR thatistheplan - it's good to have you here

D

hypochondriac

I think I felt to same way too, or at least I preferred being drunk than being sober from an early age. I think it's a distraction from life, a way of avoiding feelings we'd rather not face up to.

Thing is we can't just stay drunk all the time, which is the inevitable conclusion. For me I think that drinking just stopped me from learning any good coping strategies in life. I'm 31 now and feel like I am starting out at 14 again! It sounds like you have a good opportunity now to learn some better skills than I did

It would be worth talking to a doctor Thatistheplan. Maybe check out some recovery material like the big book online... I found being able to relate to other peoples stories really helped me know that I wasn't alone and that there are other options out there.

Welcome to SR x

silly

I'm glad you're looking for help! Most 16 year olds would probably not recognize this problem let alone seek help. So good for you.

I suppose your parents don't know about your drinking, right? And I'm going to further guess that you don't want them to know. If I'm wrong, things will be so much easier for you and so many more doors can be opened. Do they know about the rape?

But for now I'm going to assume they don't know and you don't want them to know. It's been 15 years since I was in high school and I don't exactly remember but, are counselors mandated to speak with parents about substance abuse issues? I think probably... But what about a private counselor using health insurance? Find someone that can help you not only with the drinking but also with the emotional issues surrounding the rape and your break-up. For now, tell your parents your seeking a counselor for the break-up. Maybe down the road you'll feel more comfortable telling them the full story. As far as I know, doctor/patient confidentiality would apply here even though you're a minor. Anyone reading this that knows otherwise, please correct me.

How large is your high school? If you live in a more urban area, your high school or a nearby youth center might actually have a substance abuse group for teens. I know, I know, I know... what if you see someone you know and they tell people? You see that worry a lot with adults and AA, too. In both cases, you have to remember that everyone is there for the same reason. Therefore, it's a lot easier to trust that people will keep quiet. There may also be support groups for victims of sexual assault.

If your school is smaller and/or your town is smaller, I think private counseling is the way to go. In addition to that, check out local AA meetings. You can expect confidentiality there! You'll be welcomed warmly I'm sure.

Best of luck! Keep up hope and keep up the fight! You'll be this!

bbthumper

I always felt, and still feel that when I was drinking, alcohol was not my problem. It was a solution. Sobriety was my problem. Sober life sucked. Full of fear, angry, depressed, anxious, bored etc.
Now I'm sober four years and love sobriety. The difference, I have a new solution. I got sober in AA. I have a quality of life beyond what I could have planned. The world didn't change, my family didn't change, my job didn't change. I changed. Thanks to the 12 steps.
A lot of folks your age have gotten sober in AA. Have you given it any thought? Maybe try reading AAs Big Book. You can find it in PDF format at aa.org. check out the Doctor's opinion and the frst 3 chapters. See where you can relate.
Best wishes to you

CarolD

If you have not....I suggest you get counseling about both the rape
and your drinking.

Welcome ..

flutter

Yes.. I TOTALLY get that. I felt like that too, for many many years. I bet I felt that way when I was your age, though that was a really long time ago for me. I continued that pattern for another 20 years until it almost cost me my career, my marriage and my life.

I could have written your words about alcohol, the way you describe it is perfectly what I felt too. (you have a fabulous way with words too.. just a side compliment ).

I'm glad you're here. I've been sober for almost 4 years. I couldn't imagine living without drinking ever again, and now I cannot believe I ever did. We do get better, we CAN find that "snap" in other (healthier) forms.

I can't even think of what I'd tell my 16-year-old-self other than..this is your one precious life. You are more valuable and important than you believe. You matter more than you know, and you have beautiful things ahead of you as long as you take care of what you can (yourself).

So happy you found us!