unappreciated sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Billings, MT
Posts: 1
unappreciated sobriety
anyone else feel like no one else cares that you are sober now? i've been sober 286 days. don't think anyone has ever congratulated me or told me i was doing a good job. am i crazy or are the people around me just dumb? i'd also like to state that i am not fishing for words of encourgement, i'm just frustrated.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi Goldiefox, and welcome to SR!
286 days sober is awesome! Well done.
In the early days of quitting drinking, we sometimes don't always get along with ourselves, or others, as well as we might want too. We often have some difficulties appreciating the changes required to our lifestyle so as to enjoy the sobriety we are actually having.
What I mean is, others may not be able to clearly appreciate about ourselves what we ourselves have difficulty appreciating for ourselves.
Are you happy and satisfied with your sobriety, Goldiefox?
286 days sober is awesome! Well done.
In the early days of quitting drinking, we sometimes don't always get along with ourselves, or others, as well as we might want too. We often have some difficulties appreciating the changes required to our lifestyle so as to enjoy the sobriety we are actually having.
What I mean is, others may not be able to clearly appreciate about ourselves what we ourselves have difficulty appreciating for ourselves.
Are you happy and satisfied with your sobriety, Goldiefox?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Goldiefox
Sorry you feel under appreciated - maybe it's good to try and look at it from a 'normal' point of view...not drinking is something 'normal' people do every day.
I'm not downplaying your achievement at all....but maybe it's an achievement only others like us can only truly understand?
Sometimes I think it's hard for even those closest to us to understand how we feel in the beginning if they don't share our problem.
Sometimes too, I reckon those closest to us might be going through their own recovery too, don't you think?
I'm glad you've joined us - you'll find a lot of support here...congrats on your 286 days.
D
Sorry you feel under appreciated - maybe it's good to try and look at it from a 'normal' point of view...not drinking is something 'normal' people do every day.
I'm not downplaying your achievement at all....but maybe it's an achievement only others like us can only truly understand?
Sometimes I think it's hard for even those closest to us to understand how we feel in the beginning if they don't share our problem.
Sometimes too, I reckon those closest to us might be going through their own recovery too, don't you think?
I'm glad you've joined us - you'll find a lot of support here...congrats on your 286 days.
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 522
Dear goldiefox,
you have done incredibly well!
Just a quick comment to say that your post made me think that I don't tell my brother enough how well he is doing either...it is (I think) because I am afraid of bringing it up in case it somehow retriggers the memories for him and his desires come back - I do ask if he is ok, but rarely ask about his AA meetings and alcohol.
you have done incredibly well!
Just a quick comment to say that your post made me think that I don't tell my brother enough how well he is doing either...it is (I think) because I am afraid of bringing it up in case it somehow retriggers the memories for him and his desires come back - I do ask if he is ok, but rarely ask about his AA meetings and alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Everyone here knows how much of an achievement that is. Congratulations
I get the occasional 'well done' comment, but I'm completely different - I don't really like it when people make a big deal out of it. It embarrasses me, in a way, and I find it quite patronising when people speak to me like I'm a child who has just learned to tie their shoelaces. My husband tells me sometimes how well I'm doing, etc, that I'm so healthy and happy now (but he doesn't mention that it's to do with being sober) and I like that - it's good to know people notice that I'm a better person.
I try not to think about what other people think. I know how much it means to be sober, SR knows how much it means to be sober, and that's enough for me
Don't let it get you down - what's important is that you have improved your life and your health.
I get the occasional 'well done' comment, but I'm completely different - I don't really like it when people make a big deal out of it. It embarrasses me, in a way, and I find it quite patronising when people speak to me like I'm a child who has just learned to tie their shoelaces. My husband tells me sometimes how well I'm doing, etc, that I'm so healthy and happy now (but he doesn't mention that it's to do with being sober) and I like that - it's good to know people notice that I'm a better person.
I try not to think about what other people think. I know how much it means to be sober, SR knows how much it means to be sober, and that's enough for me
Don't let it get you down - what's important is that you have improved your life and your health.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hey Goldie!
Your clean time is awesome and I know the challenges it represents. It's very encouraging to all of us that you have that time and that you share your success with us. Sometimes when our days are hard, we need to see that many many people faced hard days and stayed sober!
There are many reasons people around us don't mention our clean time, etc. Some don't know what to say, feel embarrassed or think they will embarrass us, are afraid to "jinx" it, don't notice it, don't understand it's a big deal, never knew we had a problem in the first place, have no clue how challenging it is to recover, have so much going on in their own lives that we are not even on their radar.
We do the same thing back. We have people all around us who are overcoming something huge, facing something difficult and doing what they need to do every single day. Often we don't realize it. Often we've forgotten that 6 months ago someone had a loved one pass away, or have a daily struggle with a horrible boss, or is losing their home to forclosure. the list goes on and on.
that's one of the huge benefits of a group like SR, or other recovery and support groups. We are around people who understand, who get to know us and whom we feel comfortable sharing our struggles and joys with. The whole world can't understand and appreciate our situation, but we find a community that can.
I'm glad you're here, and so happy you're sober. I'm happy I am sober too.
Your clean time is awesome and I know the challenges it represents. It's very encouraging to all of us that you have that time and that you share your success with us. Sometimes when our days are hard, we need to see that many many people faced hard days and stayed sober!
There are many reasons people around us don't mention our clean time, etc. Some don't know what to say, feel embarrassed or think they will embarrass us, are afraid to "jinx" it, don't notice it, don't understand it's a big deal, never knew we had a problem in the first place, have no clue how challenging it is to recover, have so much going on in their own lives that we are not even on their radar.
We do the same thing back. We have people all around us who are overcoming something huge, facing something difficult and doing what they need to do every single day. Often we don't realize it. Often we've forgotten that 6 months ago someone had a loved one pass away, or have a daily struggle with a horrible boss, or is losing their home to forclosure. the list goes on and on.
that's one of the huge benefits of a group like SR, or other recovery and support groups. We are around people who understand, who get to know us and whom we feel comfortable sharing our struggles and joys with. The whole world can't understand and appreciate our situation, but we find a community that can.
I'm glad you're here, and so happy you're sober. I'm happy I am sober too.
lillyknitting
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
Originally Posted by goldiefox 
anyone else feel like no one else cares that you are sober now? i've been sober 286 days. don't think anyone has ever congratulated me or told me i was doing a good job. am i crazy or are the people around me just dumb? i'd also like to state that i am not fishing for words of encourgement, i'm just frustrated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Awesome on your recovery... 286 days is getting serious. I know that first year is tough.
My own experience is that it was tough on my wife as well, LOLOLOL... and no words of congrats or encouragement came from her direction... I made the mistake of asking her how she thought I was doing and I didn't like the answer, LOLOL... Things are fine now, but this whole sobriety thing is difficult on relationships that have been built over decades like ours was... and no, things aren't always the same as they were... realities don't always meet expectations... sometimes they exceed them, thank God, but not always.
No, our kudos must come from within ourselves and from our friends in recovery. If we get unsolicited kudos from family and friends, often they are oblique and we may miss them, or they are silent, or there could be a wait and see if this is gonna stick.
We are doing what other non addicted people do without even trying, so to them, it's not a big deal... You are not alone in your frustration, this question pops up with some regularity.
My own experience is that it was tough on my wife as well, LOLOLOL... and no words of congrats or encouragement came from her direction... I made the mistake of asking her how she thought I was doing and I didn't like the answer, LOLOL... Things are fine now, but this whole sobriety thing is difficult on relationships that have been built over decades like ours was... and no, things aren't always the same as they were... realities don't always meet expectations... sometimes they exceed them, thank God, but not always.
No, our kudos must come from within ourselves and from our friends in recovery. If we get unsolicited kudos from family and friends, often they are oblique and we may miss them, or they are silent, or there could be a wait and see if this is gonna stick.
We are doing what other non addicted people do without even trying, so to them, it's not a big deal... You are not alone in your frustration, this question pops up with some regularity.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
When I first got sober, my husband told me he wanted to celebrate my 3 months, 6 months, year by taking me somewhere nice for dinner. Personally I was uncomfortable with that, I didn't feel that doing what I should be doing as a healthy person should be congratulated at all. But that's just me All of my 'atta girl's came from myself, how I was feeling, the new opportunities in my life and my relationships, and my gratitude for what I had done and continue to do just grows and grows.
All of my 'atta girl's came from myself, how I was feeling, the new opportunities in my life and my relationships, and my gratitude for what I had done and continue to do just grows and grows.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
goldiefox: Congrats on your sober time!
One thing I've learned is that most folks simply are not impressed by the fact that we aren't getting drunk and making fools of ourselves. They view the absence of such behavior as no big deal because it is simply what's expected in mainstream society, and they are no more going to congratulate us for it than they are going to congratulate us for brushing our teeth.
It can be hard, I know, to accept that what is such a big deal for us means so little to others, but that's just how it is.
The good news is that a healthy life free of addiction is its own reward. That, too, is how it is.
One thing I've learned is that most folks simply are not impressed by the fact that we aren't getting drunk and making fools of ourselves. They view the absence of such behavior as no big deal because it is simply what's expected in mainstream society, and they are no more going to congratulate us for it than they are going to congratulate us for brushing our teeth.
It can be hard, I know, to accept that what is such a big deal for us means so little to others, but that's just how it is.
The good news is that a healthy life free of addiction is its own reward. That, too, is how it is.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by Threshold
We do the same thing back. We have people all around us who are overcoming something huge, facing something difficult and doing what they need to do every single day. Often we don't realize it. Often we've forgotten that 6 months ago someone had a loved one pass away, or have a daily struggle with a horrible boss, or is losing their home to forclosure. the list goes on and on.
that's one of the huge benefits of a group like SR, or other recovery and support groups. We are around people who understand, who get to know us and whom we feel comfortable sharing our struggles and joys with. The whole world can't understand and appreciate our situation, but we find a community that can.
Sometimes it is really helpful to look at the larger picture.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
286 is great! We get that and understand it. That is part of what is great about this site.
I agree that it can be tricky for those around us though. Through no fault of their own, they probably either can't relate or are unsure about the proper way to respond. As evidence by the responses above, we all have different preferences and expectations!
In my case, I am ok keeping my progress on the "down-low". Seems to make it is easier for everyone. I read one post that said something like "An alcoholic is the only one that thinks they deserve a medal for running out of a burning bulding." That struck me as more than a little harsh at the time. However, the more I thought about it....it sort of made sense. When I think of it that way, it makes it easier to not expect anyone to make a big deal out of me doing a smart thing to save my own life. I am just glad to be out of that freakin' building!
BTW, I am nowhere near 286 this time around (only about 2 months). Even my best go-around was only about 9 months so you are an inspiration to me. 286 is a big deal!
I agree that it can be tricky for those around us though. Through no fault of their own, they probably either can't relate or are unsure about the proper way to respond. As evidence by the responses above, we all have different preferences and expectations!
In my case, I am ok keeping my progress on the "down-low". Seems to make it is easier for everyone. I read one post that said something like "An alcoholic is the only one that thinks they deserve a medal for running out of a burning bulding." That struck me as more than a little harsh at the time. However, the more I thought about it....it sort of made sense. When I think of it that way, it makes it easier to not expect anyone to make a big deal out of me doing a smart thing to save my own life. I am just glad to be out of that freakin' building!
BTW, I am nowhere near 286 this time around (only about 2 months). Even my best go-around was only about 9 months so you are an inspiration to me. 286 is a big deal!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by goldiefox
anyone else feel like no one else cares that you are sober now? i've been sober 286 days. don't think anyone has ever congratulated me or told me i was doing a good job. am i crazy or are the people around me just dumb?
"It's about time he started doing what he should have been doing all along".
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Unless they have been there....
or know how bad your situation was before, they just dont get it. The only people who have congratulated me have been sober for years and you folks here at SR.
I believe that our society thinks alcohol consumption is 'normal' and that if you can function daily, you dont have a problem. Since it is 'normal' and most people drink, sobriety is rarely considered a victory to be celebrated.....
WE KNOW HOW AWESOME 286 DAYS IS!!!!!
I believe that our society thinks alcohol consumption is 'normal' and that if you can function daily, you dont have a problem. Since it is 'normal' and most people drink, sobriety is rarely considered a victory to be celebrated.....
WE KNOW HOW AWESOME 286 DAYS IS!!!!!
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