ziney

Hello everyone! These last few days have been a wicked whirlwind of emotions. I am starting with honesty-I will not lie. I told my husband of 12 years that I had a brief sexual encounter with our neighbor at the time. He brought me some oxys and I had just drank my usual fifth and he showed up unannounced. I am a lone drunk and don't like anyone coming around because I never know what I may do. It makes me sick when I think about it. I almost wish I hadn't told him because I feel like s#$t. Its almost like I set myself up for failure so I can drink again.A friend of mine once told me I was a paradox. I really don't know who I am. I'm crazier than ever and gotta find someone professionally to talk to. I completely black out when I drink and why doesn't my husband leave me? Thats what I deserve. I don't understand how he can forgive me all the time when I can't forgive myself.

Red79

wait, your husband showed up or your neighbor?

Sally1009

When did this sexual encounter happen? You say he brought you Oxys
and you were drunk? That sounds like he took advantage of you. I don't think you should be taking Oxys with alcohol..

CarolD

Prayers coming your way for peace and that this will be
your time for sobriety....

Welcome back

Sugarfix

If you weren't in the habit of taking those drugs yourself, then it would appear that he took advantage of you. (I don't know what Oxys are but am presuming some kind of Benzo/Sedative?)

Your husband obviously loves you.

freshstart57

Oxys are oxycodone, a powerful synthetic prescription painkiller of the opiate group. They have a very high potential for addiction and abuse and sometimes referred to as hillbilly heroin. There is no physical limit to the tolerance that can be developed to them. A single percocet pill, prescribed for post surgery pain relief, can have 5 mg of oxycodone in it, with a daily maximum of say 25 mg of oxycodone. I know a person who was taking 1500 mg of oxycodone daily, crushed and snorted, for years.

I am terrified of that stuff.

Sasha4

In the UK, Oxys are usually reserved for cancer patients who are terminal or really, really severe pain.

They are a step three on the World Health Organisation ladder of analgesics.
Step one are things like paracetamol or aspirin.
Step 2 is co-codamol or bupenorphine.
Step 3 is morphine, fentanyl and oxycodone.

Step 3 drugs give great pain relief BUT are hugely addictive and give a feeling of euphoria, which is why in the UK they are mainly reserved for those with terminal cancer pain and the dying.

Threshold

I want to make sure I have this straight. You recently told your husband about the encounter with the neighbor, but how long ago did the encounter happen?

Your husband loves you, understands you have a serious problem and it sounds like he would like to keep the marriage intact.

You are NOT as crazy as you think you are, because you recognize the gravity of your situation and know you need to talk to professional help. So...do that.

Google for addiction counselors or clinics in your area. Check out the sections of SR that provide numbers for "help" in various places. Or even just go to any licensed counselor as a start, to get some information on what to do next.

Hit an AA meeting. If you or your spouse in employed by a corporation or large business, many times they subscribe to a service that helps employees, anonymously to connect with svcs for various health, addiction and mental health issues. They can provide referrals for family members as well. I used such a svc for myself and my daughter to find counseling etc.

Truly, if you feel guilty for the things you've done that have been disrespectful to your husband and yourself, the best way to address or "make up for it" if you like to think of it that way, is to get into recovery and no longer participate in that behavior. That is a great way to honor YOUR commitment to the marriage.

I am glad you are here. We have lots of recovery to share, and there are people here who have been through everything, so we DO understand.
Keep checking in with us and let us know how everything is going.

ziney

Yes, I'm a wreck when I drink-I've been taken advantage of before. Just ANOTHER reason to quit and I am calling my Dr. to find the appropriate help. I love my husband-we've both been through hell and back and I'm always grateful that I have him. He doesn't understand why I can't just quit forever and I guess I don't either. But this time it will be different. In the past, I self medicated to combat the bipolar symptoms, so thats where I'm gonna start-get my head straight and not allow myself to give in to those feelings.

freshstart57

Ziney, there is a good mental tool I use to deal with feelings and urges around using / drinking, called AVRT. It lets me accept these urges but not act on them, so that there are no 'white knuckles' or mental struggle. We talk about it a lot in the Secular Connections forum here at SR. There is the 'crash course' online for free at the Rational Recovery website.