NewHouse2012

Hi guys, been going to AA for three weeks now. I feel like its helping and I always get something out of it. I just always feel very uncomfortable there like I stick out. I feel like people are looking at me like why is she here? She looks normal? Im a tall woman and cant hide easily lol. I wish i could be invisible at times. Im probably being totally self conscious but can anyone relate? There are so many different characters in this meeting and I feel like I don't fit in. People are nice but some seem rough, not welcoming and kinda cliquish.

Any suggestions on how to get over this feeling? I don't have the liberty to attend another meeting other than this one.

Wish I could just feel comfortable. Is this normal to feel this way?

Mark75

Have you spoken personally with anyone there?

NewHouse2012

Yes, kind of small talk like I like your shoes, gee this is a great group ect. But still feel awkward. My sponsor wanted to talk to someone after the meeting and I waited for her. I felt like I was drowning just sitting there like a wall flower. I have to walk by tons of smokers to get into the place and that's kinda. Awkward too because I don't smoke. Maybe I'll get over it? Just feel pretty uncomfortable. But when I'm safe in the chair, listening I feel great. It's just the interaction before and after which scares the shikes out of me.

Sugarfix

Sometimes in work places, the non-smokers will stand outside with the smokers just to get to know them and not isolate themselves from them.. so to speak.

I know that sounds mad, but it works.. and helps so you dont get stuck with one group of people, if that makes sense.

You can use the excuse you wanted a breath of fresh air (ha!) or felt a little hot, or just be honest and say you feel a little overwhelmed.

It will get easier

FredG

Sometimes we can be that way, especially if we've not had anyone new come to the meeting in a while. Like everyone else though, we just need a gentle slap with a 2 X 4.

Have you reached out to say who you are and that you need help? In my first home group, there was someone to welcome everyone coming in. They would just reach out, shake your hand and make you welcome. That was one of the things that first impressed me, but unfortunatly this isn't done in all groups. I guess this falls under: If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it. Not talking about the stuck-up factor that resides in some, I'm talking about the serenity of being sober. If you want it ... reach out and grab it

BadCompany

You could take up chewing tobacco and make them feel just as awkward.

Huey

Some AA groups can be pretty cliquish, and some members seem to believe that they can 'catch it back' if they talk to newcomers I'd probably suggest trying another local meeting. In my home town there are 13 meetings a week, 8 are similar to the one you described, 2 are almost like non-communicative cults, and 3 are really good and very welcoming. Pick the good ones and steer clear of the meetings that are uncomfortable.

Mark75

Yes.

It gets better

NewHouse2012

Thx for all the helpful replies.

I gotta go to this particular group because I cannot go to any other one in the day. Wish I could try out some different ones but for now I'm here at this one and if I don't go to this one I don't go at all. Gotta stick it out I guess. Hoping it will get easier.

FlyerFan

I was uncomfortable for a few months. It will go away in time, don't worry. Also I attend a meeting with a woman who is well over 6 foot tall and nobody looks at her like shes different. Hehe

sugarbear1

Steps. Work those steps. Read the big book. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that is our problem! I found out my shyness was basically my self-centeredness coming through....

What will you learn about you?

Today I am okay in my own skin, 90-99% of the time, the rest is a process....

tomsteve

newhouse, i was in yer shoes at one time. after hearing the drinking thing from many, i felt iffen they heard my drinkin thing, they would say,"thats it? thats all ya did? well, you aint ready." it never happened.
whne i opened my ears and started hearing the thinkin thing, i saw i was just like everyone else in there is some way or another.
yes, people can be cliquish. i know i am. i surely aint gonna hang with people that talk the talk then get outside the doors of a meeting and treat poeple like crap. i have met thousands of people in AA and it would be impossible for me to get along with all of them. i have a small group of friends in AA and i am ok with that.

it will get easier. more than likely it is a bit of low self esteem you are experiencing, but as ya work the steps, it will go away.
to get over it, remember that you were willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol and ask yer HP for the courage to keep goin.

galljc

AA Meetings are like dating. There is a "chemistry" some meetings are nice but not your favorite. Some just don't feel right, yet others seem to enjoy them. Others you seem to fit in naturally as if you always belong there. I'm sorry you don't have the freedom to try others but perhaps at a later time. I too found that when I was new I was self conscious. I found the more I came back the more familiar I became with and to others and the easier it was. I also later saw other new comers to the group and made sure to welcome them so they could feel good about being there which also helped.

miamifella

I remember thinking that I must be the only one in the room without any piercings or tattoos.

laurie6781

Go early when there are only a few folks there and help set up, as it is easier
to talk to a few folks rather than a whole meeting full of folks.

Also stay late and help put everything away. Folding the chairs, washing out
coffee pots, etc

And yes it will get easier!!! Hang in there!

Love and hugs,

Sobersunshine

I thinks it's pretty normal to feel uncomfortable in new situations with a bunch of strangers. If AA is helping you, KEEP GOING! It will get easier as you get used to the people there and tey get used to you. I'm sorry they are not more welcoming.
Are you speaking at meeti g or just listening? If you're not speaking, you could give that a try to help people connect with you. Glad you have a sponsor.

Sapling

What about evenings?...Or early morning?.....It's pretty normal what you are feeling...Keep showing up and you'll get to know people. You see a lot of people come and go in AA....The more you show up the more people will take you serious. Reach out to newcomers...They'll be feeling more awkward than you are...I hope you're reading the book and working the steps...That is the program of recovery. You're doing great....Talk about how you feel with your sponsor...Congrats to you on three weeks!...That's awesome!!

PaperDolls

Focus on that part. That's good stuff!!!


I think what you're feeling is normal. I felt that way and some days, still do. I'm not a great 'social butterfly' and often feel quite awkward. It got much better for me the longer I was sober and the more I got to know people at my home group. Be patient.

Boleo

SPONSEE: "How long do I need to go to meetings?"

SPONSOR: "Until you want to!"

I know this sounds absurd. However, there will come a day when you will actually miss some of those "rough, not welcoming and kind of cliquish" people.

Changing meetings may not help either. Most meetings contain some odd-ball characters. What will eventually help you is your definition of "normal" will start to change.

jeff84

i was never comfortable in there thats why i use a different method of recovery aa just wasnt for me