I feel like, I want to fail
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 23
I feel like, I want to fail
I am over a couple months sober now, the first month I got out of treatment I felt very good about the whole thing, Life was new and exighting, being a daily drinker, it was almost like waking up from a coma. I was and am interduced back in my daughters life, got a job, what soberity has already done for me is great.
But now that I am starting to get used to it, that thought of getting a bottle of something crosses my mind all the time.
I did go to treatment for my self, my life was just a big blur. I got woken up on the side of the curb one time having no idea how I got there. began to work drunk everyday with some waterbottles of vodka, cause i was so physiccly dependent on it. My only goal everyday was making sure I had enough liquor. I simply wanted to be free.
I got sober for my self. But im really only staying sober because of the people close to me. Now that I realize it, if I lived alone. I would probably drink in the matter of a few days, I know I would. The only reason im not is because my girlfriend would lose her mind, probably not let me see our baby for a while if I just sliped up once. So I stomp the thought out of getting a bottle very quickly.
But I dont know what Im missing, I dont know if its that im not doing everything I could be doing to stay sober (not having a hobby or going to meetings) or if its something emotonal going on, as I do feel like crying sometimes. Or simple cravings.
I always think to my self, my dads an alcoholic, my mom puts up with him drinking to an extent. Why cant it be like that with my GF?
But now that I am starting to get used to it, that thought of getting a bottle of something crosses my mind all the time.
I did go to treatment for my self, my life was just a big blur. I got woken up on the side of the curb one time having no idea how I got there. began to work drunk everyday with some waterbottles of vodka, cause i was so physiccly dependent on it. My only goal everyday was making sure I had enough liquor. I simply wanted to be free.
I got sober for my self. But im really only staying sober because of the people close to me. Now that I realize it, if I lived alone. I would probably drink in the matter of a few days, I know I would. The only reason im not is because my girlfriend would lose her mind, probably not let me see our baby for a while if I just sliped up once. So I stomp the thought out of getting a bottle very quickly.
But I dont know what Im missing, I dont know if its that im not doing everything I could be doing to stay sober (not having a hobby or going to meetings) or if its something emotonal going on, as I do feel like crying sometimes. Or simple cravings.
I always think to my self, my dads an alcoholic, my mom puts up with him drinking to an extent. Why cant it be like that with my GF?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Sorry you are stuggling. Hope you can find answers and peace somewhere in SR or wherever you can find it.
I'm a little curoius about your post. You say you got treatment for yourself and that you got sober for yourself. If so, why won't you continue to stay sober for yourself?
Do you remember why you sought treatment in the first place?
Do you know where you will end up if you choose to drink again? (I know where I would end up......scary)
I can relate to your delima. I think and hope my sobriety if for myself. However, sometimes I wonder what I would truly do if my wife were not around to keep me honest. Good thing for me is that she is enough and it removes the question for me. Maybe keeping yourself in a postion to be able to see your child is enough for now. In the meantime, please consider anything else you can do to continue your sobriety progress.
I'm a little curoius about your post. You say you got treatment for yourself and that you got sober for yourself. If so, why won't you continue to stay sober for yourself?
Do you remember why you sought treatment in the first place?
Do you know where you will end up if you choose to drink again? (I know where I would end up......scary)
I can relate to your delima. I think and hope my sobriety if for myself. However, sometimes I wonder what I would truly do if my wife were not around to keep me honest. Good thing for me is that she is enough and it removes the question for me. Maybe keeping yourself in a postion to be able to see your child is enough for now. In the meantime, please consider anything else you can do to continue your sobriety progress.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I thought all my problems would be gone once I stopped drinking.
If anything, I became more aware of the many other problems I'd been drinking over for many years.
I needed to deal with those issues if I wanted to stay sober - it wasn't easy - but my life's a heck of a lot better now.
I like who I am, who've I've become, for the first time in my adult life.
What else have you done besides not drinking EW?
D
If anything, I became more aware of the many other problems I'd been drinking over for many years.
I needed to deal with those issues if I wanted to stay sober - it wasn't easy - but my life's a heck of a lot better now.
I like who I am, who've I've become, for the first time in my adult life.
What else have you done besides not drinking EW?
D
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Do you really long for self-induced coma? You want to be free of alcohol but at the same time you want your girlfriend to put up with it? I think that nearly all of us can relate to this sort of thinking.
I'm seldom so blunt, but you would be well served to work the steps of AA IMO. For many of us it takes more than just not drinking.... to not drink.
I'm seldom so blunt, but you would be well served to work the steps of AA IMO. For many of us it takes more than just not drinking.... to not drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
its good to see ya rcognizing there is a problem and very good to see ya lokin for a solution. the title to yer thread really hit me. i had programmed myself over many year of drinking to believe that it didnt matter what i did, i felt i was gonna fail and actually made it happen to prove i was right.
it took a lot of footwork to change that, but first i had to want to not be like that any more.i also made the decision i was getting and staying sober for me and me alone. without that nothing else mattered. i had to stop the thinking of getting sober for others whenever that thought poped up.
you mention that not going to meetings could be what yer missing. IMO, not goin to meeting, not having a sponsor, and not working the steps is the problem, so the solution would be to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. we arent a glum lot.
it took a lot of footwork to change that, but first i had to want to not be like that any more.i also made the decision i was getting and staying sober for me and me alone. without that nothing else mattered. i had to stop the thinking of getting sober for others whenever that thought poped up.
you mention that not going to meetings could be what yer missing. IMO, not goin to meeting, not having a sponsor, and not working the steps is the problem, so the solution would be to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. we arent a glum lot.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by awuh1 
I'm seldom so blunt, but you would be well served to work the steps of AA IMO. For many of us it takes more than just not drinking.... to not drink.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
If you need therapy from a professional counselor or psychiatrist, then look into that and get it. If you have soul sickness or spiritual issues, contact a clergyman or go to church. If you need to see a doctor or therapist, then it makes sense to do just that. If there are opportunities for self improvement that you wish or need to address, by all means address them. But nothing, absolutely nothing will improve if you keep drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Thanks for being honest here EternalWinter.
I think everyone reads other peoples posts in relationship to their own experience and yours is just like the type of negative thinking which I try to challenge when it comes up.
I know that if people close to me had a vested interest in my sobriety then I would feel just like you do. I had to get sober for myself because I'm not the type who likes being told what to do.
I also know that if I was left to my own devices, stuck with my own thoughts and my usual lifestyle, then I would be drinking right now. That's where being honest comes in handy. If you are aware of the risks then you can do something about them. Personally I make sure I challenge any thought patterns which are potentially dangerous. Minimising my drinking habits is a major problem of mine, as is doing stuff like rationalising why I should be drinking and blaming other people for why I drank. Recognising a lot of my thoughts as my alcoholic voice made it easier to ignore them too. (Have a look into AVRT if you haven't already).
Also after a couple of months I found it harder not to drink... maybe just because the novelty had worn off or because I was too distant from my last bad drinking experience... but I really had to step up the support then. I started going to AA and got an addictions counsellor. You don't have to do this alone EW x
I think everyone reads other peoples posts in relationship to their own experience and yours is just like the type of negative thinking which I try to challenge when it comes up.
I know that if people close to me had a vested interest in my sobriety then I would feel just like you do. I had to get sober for myself because I'm not the type who likes being told what to do.
I also know that if I was left to my own devices, stuck with my own thoughts and my usual lifestyle, then I would be drinking right now. That's where being honest comes in handy. If you are aware of the risks then you can do something about them. Personally I make sure I challenge any thought patterns which are potentially dangerous. Minimising my drinking habits is a major problem of mine, as is doing stuff like rationalising why I should be drinking and blaming other people for why I drank. Recognising a lot of my thoughts as my alcoholic voice made it easier to ignore them too. (Have a look into AVRT if you haven't already).
Also after a couple of months I found it harder not to drink... maybe just because the novelty had worn off or because I was too distant from my last bad drinking experience... but I really had to step up the support then. I started going to AA and got an addictions counsellor. You don't have to do this alone EW x
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Have you read about Rational Recovery, AVRT, SMART, SOS, or any other program of recovery? All of this is available online. What actions are you doing other than not drinking?
Holding in tears because why? Emotions are real, they release hormones, they are part of the human body. Cry if you need to, you may feel better.
AA saved my life--those steps helped me to see my patterns of behavior and my obsession to drink was removed, completely.
Action is what keeps me sober. I spent many years sitting, drinking, and thinking. Today I don't think about living a life, I'm living it!
Stopping drinking is one thing, staying stopped is something else and that is the real challenge.
Do something to keep yourself stopped.
Love & hugs,
Holding in tears because why? Emotions are real, they release hormones, they are part of the human body. Cry if you need to, you may feel better.
AA saved my life--those steps helped me to see my patterns of behavior and my obsession to drink was removed, completely.
Action is what keeps me sober. I spent many years sitting, drinking, and thinking. Today I don't think about living a life, I'm living it!
Stopping drinking is one thing, staying stopped is something else and that is the real challenge.
Do something to keep yourself stopped.
Love & hugs,
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
One of the pluses for me ....AA has changed my life for the better.
The only time I think about drinking is
when I am shareing my journey in person or on here
Plese do consider connecting to AA...it's Steps were my keys.
.
The only time I think about drinking is
when I am shareing my journey in person or on here
Plese do consider connecting to AA...it's Steps were my keys.
.
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