zanzibar

I never had a strong relationship with my sons. I've been dealing with isolation lately, but have been making a real attempt at connecting with my sons. My oldest son brought my new grandaughter down to see me early in july and it was really nice to get to meet her. However now he comes down every week end, don't get me wrong I love him and my grand daughter but this is too much too fast for me to handle. I've been having explosive anxiety episodes as of late and have been trying to locate the source. I really hate to say so but it coordinates with his upcoming third visit. I don't want to hurt his feelings by asking him not to visit so often, and certainly don't want to tell him what's been happening to me as it may put him in protection mode, and I may never see my granddaughter again. He's been calling all week and I've been ignoring his calls. I have to tell him something but don't know what. If I let the anxiety build then something is going to have to give.

CarolD

Gee I don't know....anxiety is not part of my history.

Perhaps you could head him off by saying you have already made
plans? Then do something special for yourself...a new hair cut
a bit of shopping...a trip to a museum....etc.

Hope you can work out something that gives you peace and joy

awuh1

Perhaps you could just tell him you have been having more than the usual amount of anxiety recently, and though you like his visits your increased anxiety is making visits more difficult for you. More detail is not necessary. If you're sincere about asking to limit the visits because of your condition (and not due to him), and you tell him you don't want to hurt his feelings, there is a good chance he will understand.

And no I don't think your being selfish, you're being realistic.

sugarbear1

I think you may feel better if you had a heart to heart talk with him. Getting through it will help you, but I DO understand the anxiety of it all.

Big hugs,

tomsteve

how bout telling us what is bringng on the anxiety and we can help you with that, since that is the root of the problem.

it is also a very good idea, as suggested, to let him know what is going on.
"son, i love you and want to get a better relationship with you and my grandkids. i am so glad i didnt completely destroy our relationship and i am working on fixing me. these visits are rather difficult on me at this time as i get anxiety and dont know what causes it and i am afraid of blowing up while you are visiting. i am working hard to find the cause of it but at this time, i need some space." or something like that.

2granddaughters

zanzibar, are you going to AA ?

I always wanted to be a good father too but I didn’t know how. You need willingness and ability.

When I was drinking I never played the piano. When I sobered up I still couldn't play it. Had to take lessons and practice.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

wallup

Maybe you could tell him this weekend is not good, but in the same breath suggest another time that would work better and use that as an opportunity to explain what you are dealing with.

zanzibar

[QUOTE=tomsteve;3546414]how bout telling us what is bringng on the anxiety and we can help you with that, since that is the root of the problem./QUOTE]

I've managed to tuck myself away in a little box where I no longer have to deal with anyone. Hence the isolation I've gotten used to. I would do all my shopping once a month at all night stores so as to limit the number of people I was exposed to.

The Dr who's been trying to bring me out of this suggested doing things like keep only the staples in the house so as to force myself to leave the house daily to go to the corner store, even if only for a quick exposure. It was allso her suggestion to create a connection with my sons to enable periodic visits. The intended results were to show me that the world is not against me and out to get me. That's sounds like she wanted me to connect and not me but I don't know how to better write it.

With my son god love him he's so innocent about this that he seems to thinks that when you quit drinking everything is sunshine and roses overnight. When they come down his partner goes through the house cleaning, stocking the fridge and cupboards, and rearanging everything in a way that makes sense to her. When my granddaughter gets uncomfortable she starts screaming which of course is normal for a baby but it literaly sends me to another planet. These are things that any granddad goes through but I'm not an ordinary granddad. I'm an alcoholic grandad and always will be. I normally end up going into a corner of the house where I try and release the anxiety by scrathing at my arms.

I saw a Dr last week and he suggested counselling for him to enable him to better understand what I'm dealing with. But that would mean destroying his current innocence about this which is something that I don't know if I want for him as he will start looking at me in a whole different light. I know I should just talk to him but I'm suppose to be the father and am supposed to be stronger than this.

Bottom line is I'm terrified at jepordizing, and losing the connection we've made.

Making excuses creates a temporary fix, and I've learned from experience that temp fixes always come back to bite your butt.

I think the counseling or even going on sr in the friends and family area might be best but as I stated this will change his whole outlook of me.

Thanks for the responses. I don't know, I put myself in this position maybe I'm supposed to just live with it.

awuh1

I think the bottom line is that it would be good to set some limits. How to do this diplomatically can be difficult for anyone. Perhaps the best way to start would be to say that you don’t spend much time around people, that you like his visits but that they are a little hard for you given the little contact you have with others lately. Then ask him for what you want directly. Something like, “I would like it if you would visit once per month till I can get used to being around people more than I am now”. Perhaps do this on the phone, then set a time for the next visit. As long as he knows how much you appreciate the relationship you have with him he is likely to be ok with it.

I’m glad you are reaching out here at SR.

tomsteve

no, you dont have to live with it. that is a choice. if you want to change, ya gotta put in the footwork. the world is not against you. i found out that there was a very small amount of the world that even knew i existed. i'm not that important to the world, but i am to God.

" I know I should just talk to him but I'm suppose to be the father and am supposed to be stronger than this."

and you got this information you are supposed to be stronger from????? would you see me as not being strong as a bad thing?

it has taken time for you to get tucked into yer little box. ya aint gonna make it out over night. it's gonna take T.I.M.E. and footwork. give yerself a break. yer not a bad person yer a sick person.

zanzibar

Thanks I'll try to talk to him this weekend. I know I should be able to figure this out on my own but it seems that every decision I make lately ends in disaster.

I hear what you're saying Tom I grew up in a time and place that a father is expected to be strong for his sons at all costs.

2granddaughters

Exactly, like Step one says "that our lives had become unmanageable"

I needed a new manager. Pretty simple


Who told you that ?

All the best.

Bob R

zanzibar

Thanks 2granddaughters my father taught me that decades ago, I won't go into detail of how he taught me that men don't show weakness. I know it's not right, but it's hard to ignore stuff you learned that way.

tomsteve

i can relate to what yer sayin. i had some really screwed up perceptions of how i was supposed to live. however, in recovery, i found that i had absolutely no clue how to live. my thinkin is what got me to the point of desperation. my thinkin wasnt gonna get me out. i had to use the thinking of people who had walked in my shoes. it was hard for me to ignore what i was taught and what i taught myself,too. it took time to see and admit it was really screwed up, then all i had to do is get some courage and put into action the suggestions them poeple who had walked in my shoes gave me and see whatt he outcome was.
i am human. i make mistakes. it is a fact of life. there are solutions for when i make mistakes,too. but it involves me throwin out the arse kickin machine to do it.

zanzibar

I feel relieved now, dum but relieved. I talked to my son last night, it turns out he was getting a lot of flak for wanting to come down every weekend but didn't want to hurt me by telling me he couldn't come down so often. We had a good laugh about it and everything is cool again. Just goes to show it doesn't hurt that much to really talk to your family. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me gain the confidence to talk to him. It really is easy to make a mountain out of nothing.

Dee74

I'm really glad you talked it out Zanzibar
It's really good both sides are happy with the outcome

D