Heavy heart, sober mind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Wheat Ridge, CO
Posts: 7
Heavy heart, sober mind.
I am a recovering alcoholic, I have been on and off of SoberRecovery for years.* During some of my darkest hours, I was lurking and taking stabs at sobriety by posting on SR and begging for help.* Finally, I got there, but it took many painful years, a lot of broken hearts and bad memories, a few broken bones and a lot of damage done to myself and those around.* I am sober 14 months by the grace of my higher power, a lot of support from my loved ones and the rewards of a sober life.* I am still, every day, in awe of my sobriety.* At how my quality of life has increased 10-fold, at how my relationships are beginning to truly heal, at how I am slowly slowly, understanding my addiction and what a crafty ******* it is.
Some in the program would call me a dry drunk.* I haven't been to a meeting in ages, I simply haven't felt the need to, though I do not doubt the power of meetings.* I wholeheartedly account the first 3 months of my sobriety to meetings, I went every day, sometimes twice a day and they saved my life.* Meetings are amazing, but I guess I have found a way - through sober friends and a sober life, to carry on.* I practice what I have/am learning regularly, read my Daily Reflections and spend time every day focusing on this new me, this me that I can never imagine trading in again for the ugly, awful me.*
For the first time in my sobriety, I am faced with a situation that I simply do not feel I have the tools to manage.* I have no interest in even thinking about drinking, but I feel lost, my heart is heavy, my mind is racing.* A little back story:
My mother is an active alcoholic, she has been for a very, very long time and is very deep into her addiction.* We've had a very difficult relationship since my childhood, sometimes we are stuck together like glue and others - we can't get far enough away from each other.* I've hurt her and she's hurt me, our relationship is truly damaged in a way I've not yet been able to identify a way out of.* I've had to cut ties with her a number of times throughout my life, but this last time around, was very hard.* I knew, I could no longer have a relationship with her while she was drinking.* At least, she can't be drinking while her and I are interacting - though I know it's not enough, when you drink every day, your mind just doesn't function at it's peak performance, neither does your heart.
In any event, we haven't spoken more than 2x in the past 2x years and those communications were very damaging, which I know a lot of that is her addiction talking - but she can be truly hateful.* To her child, something I can't understand.* I love my son to the depths of the earth and haven't always been perfect, but would never, in a million years, tell him that I hate him and he isn't part of my future plans.
I've been fearful that something may occur during this time period, that would be so damaging that we may not be able to repair it.* It has.* Her husband of 20 years passed away in a car accident very suddenly, about a week ago.* I have been agonizing about what to do.* My instinct is to run to her, to save her.* I now know that is what co-dependant children of alcholics do.* I have been "saving" her for years, since I was a child myself.* I am so conflicted about what to do, that I can't do anything.* We've talked a few times, she is understandably overwhelmed and in a lot of pain - but she's made no notion of wanting me to be by her side, in any way.* Again, we've hurt one another very deeply, it goes both ways.* I acknowledge that now after years of playing the victim and blaming her for everything.* Alcohol is an evil, evil drug.* It destroys people and she is a shell of her former self now, but I've definatley played a role in the situation as a whole.* It's not ever, all one persons "fault."* So, this is one piece.* I'm feeling terrible conflicted, I don't know what to do or how to handle any of this.
The other piece, is that the husband was also an alcoholic.* We had a great relationship for many years, he was a big part of my life and my son's when he was small.* But as time went on and they both got deeper and deeper into their addiction and more secluded, he became increasingly hostile and violent.* So much so that my mother was staying with me at some point to get away from him.* She eventually went back to him and as far as I know, they worked a lot of it out, but I am greatly struggling with my feelings toward him.* I am so saddened by his death, I just can't seem to get my head straight.* He was so young.* I think it's reinforcing to me what a horrible, horrible disease alcoholism is.* I do not know if alcohol was a factor in his death, but it was a late Friday night - so it's hard for me to believe otherwise.* And does it really matter?* He's gone, my mother is suffering greatly and my heart aches over the situation as a while.
I've become increasingly depressed these past several days, ranging from a lot of anger to pure sobbing.* I could use any advice, thoughts or prayers anyone might have.
Thank you,
S
Some in the program would call me a dry drunk.* I haven't been to a meeting in ages, I simply haven't felt the need to, though I do not doubt the power of meetings.* I wholeheartedly account the first 3 months of my sobriety to meetings, I went every day, sometimes twice a day and they saved my life.* Meetings are amazing, but I guess I have found a way - through sober friends and a sober life, to carry on.* I practice what I have/am learning regularly, read my Daily Reflections and spend time every day focusing on this new me, this me that I can never imagine trading in again for the ugly, awful me.*
For the first time in my sobriety, I am faced with a situation that I simply do not feel I have the tools to manage.* I have no interest in even thinking about drinking, but I feel lost, my heart is heavy, my mind is racing.* A little back story:
My mother is an active alcoholic, she has been for a very, very long time and is very deep into her addiction.* We've had a very difficult relationship since my childhood, sometimes we are stuck together like glue and others - we can't get far enough away from each other.* I've hurt her and she's hurt me, our relationship is truly damaged in a way I've not yet been able to identify a way out of.* I've had to cut ties with her a number of times throughout my life, but this last time around, was very hard.* I knew, I could no longer have a relationship with her while she was drinking.* At least, she can't be drinking while her and I are interacting - though I know it's not enough, when you drink every day, your mind just doesn't function at it's peak performance, neither does your heart.
In any event, we haven't spoken more than 2x in the past 2x years and those communications were very damaging, which I know a lot of that is her addiction talking - but she can be truly hateful.* To her child, something I can't understand.* I love my son to the depths of the earth and haven't always been perfect, but would never, in a million years, tell him that I hate him and he isn't part of my future plans.
I've been fearful that something may occur during this time period, that would be so damaging that we may not be able to repair it.* It has.* Her husband of 20 years passed away in a car accident very suddenly, about a week ago.* I have been agonizing about what to do.* My instinct is to run to her, to save her.* I now know that is what co-dependant children of alcholics do.* I have been "saving" her for years, since I was a child myself.* I am so conflicted about what to do, that I can't do anything.* We've talked a few times, she is understandably overwhelmed and in a lot of pain - but she's made no notion of wanting me to be by her side, in any way.* Again, we've hurt one another very deeply, it goes both ways.* I acknowledge that now after years of playing the victim and blaming her for everything.* Alcohol is an evil, evil drug.* It destroys people and she is a shell of her former self now, but I've definatley played a role in the situation as a whole.* It's not ever, all one persons "fault."* So, this is one piece.* I'm feeling terrible conflicted, I don't know what to do or how to handle any of this.
The other piece, is that the husband was also an alcoholic.* We had a great relationship for many years, he was a big part of my life and my son's when he was small.* But as time went on and they both got deeper and deeper into their addiction and more secluded, he became increasingly hostile and violent.* So much so that my mother was staying with me at some point to get away from him.* She eventually went back to him and as far as I know, they worked a lot of it out, but I am greatly struggling with my feelings toward him.* I am so saddened by his death, I just can't seem to get my head straight.* He was so young.* I think it's reinforcing to me what a horrible, horrible disease alcoholism is.* I do not know if alcohol was a factor in his death, but it was a late Friday night - so it's hard for me to believe otherwise.* And does it really matter?* He's gone, my mother is suffering greatly and my heart aches over the situation as a while.
I've become increasingly depressed these past several days, ranging from a lot of anger to pure sobbing.* I could use any advice, thoughts or prayers anyone might have.
Thank you,
S
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Get back to the meetings..
I attend AA meetings regularly. In the beginning I needed them badly.
Today I still find they keep me in balance and I am there to greet the newcomers..
Alcoholism is a horrible disease, there is no cure, only a daily reprieve for an alcoholic of my sort.
All the best.
Bob R
I attend AA meetings regularly. In the beginning I needed them badly.
Today I still find they keep me in balance and I am there to greet the newcomers..
Alcoholism is a horrible disease, there is no cure, only a daily reprieve for an alcoholic of my sort.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Hi scsmiles, I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through at the moment, the pain in your post is apparent.
I doubt anybody would have the tools ready to cope with such a sudden loss, which has raised not only grief but painful background memories and issues.
You speak of the confusion of wanting to be by your mothers side and wanting to help her, yet she hasn't shown any indication of wanting the same. Do you think this could be a communication issue - she wants help but can't and won't ask, or do you think it is a case of she wants to be shut away with her own grief and maybe drowning her sorrows? Isolating when she needs help the most... hey it's what 'we' do best isn't it? For your own peace of mind I think you need to make a difficult decision as to whether you want to offer her your hand, and be prepared to accept the rejection if you do. It may be false rejection, spoken only through booze, but at least you have reached out and offered and in a moment of clarity your mother will realise this and then whether she acts upon it is up to her.
With regards to your feelings towards him, of course nobody wants to see their mother in pain, emotionally or physically abused, and will harbour some resentment regardless of the good times in the past. I know this all too well with my own dad (alcoholic now deceased and my alcoholic ex-stepdad) However your mum chose the relationship she did, returned to it and it seemed to be working out. She forgave (maybe didn't forget) but forgave enough and let it go enough to give their relationship another try, so maybe you need to put that period to rest in your own mind too and let it go. I've blamed my mum an awful lot over the years for her relationship choices and how it has messed up my own head, she went from a violent nasty piece of work (my dad!) who I suffered at the hands of, to my stepdad who was just a mental bully instead. After many years and many tears we now have a great relationship. There are still areas where it is still strained and it does stem from that, but somehow we have managed to put it behind us and move on.
Can I ask - has there been a funeral already? Would this be an opportunity for you to find some peace do you think? Maybe start to slowly slowly build some bridges? If the funeral has already passed and he is buried, I strongly recommend going to the grave and saying your piece there, just get everything out. It's weird yes, but it did work for me in making amends some with my dad.
I'm not going to mention meetings or anything as I don't know about that side of things. I'm just talking to you as a fellow human being who has also experienced loss and the pain and confusion it brings with it.
You're probably still in shock and certainly still grieving so cut yourself some slack on that front and let it all out. Keep posting if it helps.
If I've missed the point and my post is way of kilter then I apologise in advance. I hope you regain peace of mind very soon, your heart will tell you the best way in which to proceed. Mine would tell me to offer that hand of support even if I suspect it faces being broken again. I'll know I've done my best.
Don't be afraid to grieve. Thinking of you and take good care of yourself.
I doubt anybody would have the tools ready to cope with such a sudden loss, which has raised not only grief but painful background memories and issues.
You speak of the confusion of wanting to be by your mothers side and wanting to help her, yet she hasn't shown any indication of wanting the same. Do you think this could be a communication issue - she wants help but can't and won't ask, or do you think it is a case of she wants to be shut away with her own grief and maybe drowning her sorrows? Isolating when she needs help the most... hey it's what 'we' do best isn't it? For your own peace of mind I think you need to make a difficult decision as to whether you want to offer her your hand, and be prepared to accept the rejection if you do. It may be false rejection, spoken only through booze, but at least you have reached out and offered and in a moment of clarity your mother will realise this and then whether she acts upon it is up to her.
With regards to your feelings towards him, of course nobody wants to see their mother in pain, emotionally or physically abused, and will harbour some resentment regardless of the good times in the past. I know this all too well with my own dad (alcoholic now deceased and my alcoholic ex-stepdad) However your mum chose the relationship she did, returned to it and it seemed to be working out. She forgave (maybe didn't forget) but forgave enough and let it go enough to give their relationship another try, so maybe you need to put that period to rest in your own mind too and let it go. I've blamed my mum an awful lot over the years for her relationship choices and how it has messed up my own head, she went from a violent nasty piece of work (my dad!) who I suffered at the hands of, to my stepdad who was just a mental bully instead. After many years and many tears we now have a great relationship. There are still areas where it is still strained and it does stem from that, but somehow we have managed to put it behind us and move on.
Can I ask - has there been a funeral already? Would this be an opportunity for you to find some peace do you think? Maybe start to slowly slowly build some bridges? If the funeral has already passed and he is buried, I strongly recommend going to the grave and saying your piece there, just get everything out. It's weird yes, but it did work for me in making amends some with my dad.
I'm not going to mention meetings or anything as I don't know about that side of things. I'm just talking to you as a fellow human being who has also experienced loss and the pain and confusion it brings with it.
You're probably still in shock and certainly still grieving so cut yourself some slack on that front and let it all out. Keep posting if it helps.
If I've missed the point and my post is way of kilter then I apologise in advance. I hope you regain peace of mind very soon, your heart will tell you the best way in which to proceed. Mine would tell me to offer that hand of support even if I suspect it faces being broken again. I'll know I've done my best.
Don't be afraid to grieve. Thinking of you and take good care of yourself.
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