What's with some meetings?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
What's with some meetings?
I returned to AA 2 months ago after 25 years, which I made clear during my first meeting back. 3 or 4 people smiled, nodded and murmured "welcome back," and that was it! No "newcomer's packet" with the mens' phone numbers, nobody approached me afterward and said, "hey, here's my number if you want to talk," and their cliquishness was blatantly obvious outside post-meeting.
Forward to this past Saturday night, when I went to a "club" meeting for the first time. During my turn, I stated succintly that I hadn't worked the Eighth Step (that meeting's subject) yet, and had returned just 2 months ago after a 25-year hiatus. The young chair of the group immediately interjected, "do you have any phone numbers?" "Yes." "Do you want some more -- and we'll give you a Big Book, as well, if you don't have your own!" Is THAT not supposed to be the outreach offered a newcomer (or "returner" like myself)?? I was so grateful, and began reading the BB that night. It helped so much, since I don't even have the money to buy one.
As far as the first group, I kept going back for 5 more weekly meetings. Same prevalent cliquishness. During my final visit, pre-meeting, I told the chair privately that I found the group cagey and cliquish -- she paused, looked skyward, then said "yes -- they can be." What insight. I stayed for the meeting, but promptly found another -- far more civil -- Monday night meeting!
As an aside, another member I've befriended had his anonymity broken by a "regular" in the cliquish group. She was always very well-spoken during meetings, a licensed counselor or therapist of some sort, and in her mid fifties! Unbelievable!!
Complacency kills, as they say.
Forward to this past Saturday night, when I went to a "club" meeting for the first time. During my turn, I stated succintly that I hadn't worked the Eighth Step (that meeting's subject) yet, and had returned just 2 months ago after a 25-year hiatus. The young chair of the group immediately interjected, "do you have any phone numbers?" "Yes." "Do you want some more -- and we'll give you a Big Book, as well, if you don't have your own!" Is THAT not supposed to be the outreach offered a newcomer (or "returner" like myself)?? I was so grateful, and began reading the BB that night. It helped so much, since I don't even have the money to buy one.
As far as the first group, I kept going back for 5 more weekly meetings. Same prevalent cliquishness. During my final visit, pre-meeting, I told the chair privately that I found the group cagey and cliquish -- she paused, looked skyward, then said "yes -- they can be." What insight. I stayed for the meeting, but promptly found another -- far more civil -- Monday night meeting!
As an aside, another member I've befriended had his anonymity broken by a "regular" in the cliquish group. She was always very well-spoken during meetings, a licensed counselor or therapist of some sort, and in her mid fifties! Unbelievable!!
Complacency kills, as they say.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I does amaze me that newcomers or those returning to the rooms are treated with a little arms-length approach, and it also amazes me that newcomers expect groups to just grab them them and do the program for them.
I've seen both happen, and feel bad for the newcomer that isn't welcomed with open arms, invited to coffee after the meet, given phone numbers.
I think those with significant time often shy away from newcomers. They have seen too many come in, leave, and never come back.
I am glad you found a new meeting where a chairman latched on, made you feel welcome, gave you phone numbers. That's the way the program is supposed to work.
Cliches kill AA, such as the "welcome back" you received. The beauty is that most locales have multiple meetings.
I've seen both happen, and feel bad for the newcomer that isn't welcomed with open arms, invited to coffee after the meet, given phone numbers.
I think those with significant time often shy away from newcomers. They have seen too many come in, leave, and never come back.
I am glad you found a new meeting where a chairman latched on, made you feel welcome, gave you phone numbers. That's the way the program is supposed to work.
Cliches kill AA, such as the "welcome back" you received. The beauty is that most locales have multiple meetings.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Meetings are as different and variable as are the people who attend meetings. In AA, members can organise or not organise how they treat members in their meetings. Each meeting decides for itself. No one meeting "type" can satisfy everbody. That being said, not all meetings are the best of what AA has to offer...
I'm glad you discovered a meeting more to your liking, CowboyTim. Good to know you have a BB in your hands too -- awesome!
And welcome to SR too!
I'm glad you discovered a meeting more to your liking, CowboyTim. Good to know you have a BB in your hands too -- awesome!
And welcome to SR too!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
im glad ya found yer way back.
each group is autonomous. instead of lookin for the faults of meetings and poeple, look at the qualities and do your part to make the meting better.
i am willing to guess that taking others inventory is something that led ya back to AA?
each group is autonomous. instead of lookin for the faults of meetings and poeple, look at the qualities and do your part to make the meting better.
i am willing to guess that taking others inventory is something that led ya back to AA?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
so many things have changed in the past 25 years, and it's a new generation. a different crowd. and along with change there is good and not so good...it's so easy for me to detect the not so good, because it is different than what i am used to, and sometimes i have to make a point to seek out the good. best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by CowboyTim 
I returned to AA 2 months ago after 25 years, which I made clear during my first meeting back. 3 or 4 people smiled, nodded and murmured "welcome back," and that was it! No "newcomer's packet" with the mens' phone numbers, nobody approached me afterward and said, "hey, here's my number if you want to talk," and their cliquishness was blatantly obvious outside post-meeting.
Forward to this past Saturday night, when I went to a "club" meeting for the first time. During my turn, I stated succintly that I hadn't worked the Eighth Step (that meeting's subject) yet, and had returned just 2 months ago after a 25-year hiatus. The young chair of the group immediately interjected, "do you have any phone numbers?" "Yes." "Do you want some more -- and we'll give you a Big Book, as well, if you don't have your own!" Is THAT not supposed to be the outreach offered a newcomer (or "returner" like myself)?? I was so grateful, and began reading the BB that night. It helped so much, since I don't even have the money to buy one.
As far as the first group, I kept going back for 5 more weekly meetings. Same prevalent cliquishness. During my final visit, pre-meeting, I told the chair privately that I found the group cagey and cliquish -- she paused, looked skyward, then said "yes -- they can be." What insight. I stayed for the meeting, but promptly found another -- far more civil -- Monday night meeting!
As an aside, another member I've befriended had his anonymity broken by a "regular" in the cliquish group. She was always very well-spoken during meetings, a licensed counselor or therapist of some sort, and in her mid fifties! Unbelievable!!
Complacency kills, as they say.
Forward to this past Saturday night, when I went to a "club" meeting for the first time. During my turn, I stated succintly that I hadn't worked the Eighth Step (that meeting's subject) yet, and had returned just 2 months ago after a 25-year hiatus. The young chair of the group immediately interjected, "do you have any phone numbers?" "Yes." "Do you want some more -- and we'll give you a Big Book, as well, if you don't have your own!" Is THAT not supposed to be the outreach offered a newcomer (or "returner" like myself)?? I was so grateful, and began reading the BB that night. It helped so much, since I don't even have the money to buy one.
As far as the first group, I kept going back for 5 more weekly meetings. Same prevalent cliquishness. During my final visit, pre-meeting, I told the chair privately that I found the group cagey and cliquish -- she paused, looked skyward, then said "yes -- they can be." What insight. I stayed for the meeting, but promptly found another -- far more civil -- Monday night meeting!
As an aside, another member I've befriended had his anonymity broken by a "regular" in the cliquish group. She was always very well-spoken during meetings, a licensed counselor or therapist of some sort, and in her mid fifties! Unbelievable!!
Complacency kills, as they say.
All the best.
Bob R
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Not every AA member is working the program......there are, IMO, more ppl in the meetings who are "taking what they want/leaving the rest" or working "their version" of the program than ppl actually working the 12 steps.
Remember, the only requirement to be in a meeting is to have a desire to stop drinking. On the flip side of that, there's no "requirement" to recover from the damn disease that gave you that desire to stop in the first place. Ppl are welcome to come to meetings and do nothing, think only of themselves, and not practice the AA program ......continue to die from untreated alcoholism.....if that's what they want/choose to do. And yanno........THOSE are the ppl who need our help......they're the ones "we enlightened ones" (lol-sarcasm) damn well better be trying to work with......and pray for. Frankly, it seems to me that even a "crappy" meeting is doing more to help another alcoholic recover than sitting at home getting loaded was doing...... just sayin'
So I'll ask ya......what have you done to help that group out? You're sobriety is as contingent on helping others as theirs is......so are you applying the knowledge you have? Or are you just complaining that the world doesn't suit you - yet not doing anything to fix the broken stuff you see right in front of you?
........with that said, let's move on.
Even the strongest members I know, the ppl who seem to be more "connected" to their HP than anyone else I know....... even they can have a spiritually bad hair day. God knows I have 'em all the time....so who am I to sit and judge someone else? Heck, I can't live my own darn life by the principles I know and understand so well. From my glass house, there's no room for stone-throwing - and whenever I'm judging a group.......or some other person......I'm not just throwing stones - I'm sniping them with a rifle. (heh......which, by the way, we weak/scared/insecure types like me tend to do when we're far removed {ie - on the internet} from the person/situation that was supposedly bothering us so much)
Remember, the only requirement to be in a meeting is to have a desire to stop drinking. On the flip side of that, there's no "requirement" to recover from the damn disease that gave you that desire to stop in the first place. Ppl are welcome to come to meetings and do nothing, think only of themselves, and not practice the AA program ......continue to die from untreated alcoholism.....if that's what they want/choose to do. And yanno........THOSE are the ppl who need our help......they're the ones "we enlightened ones" (lol-sarcasm) damn well better be trying to work with......and pray for. Frankly, it seems to me that even a "crappy" meeting is doing more to help another alcoholic recover than sitting at home getting loaded was doing...... just sayin'
So I'll ask ya......what have you done to help that group out? You're sobriety is as contingent on helping others as theirs is......so are you applying the knowledge you have? Or are you just complaining that the world doesn't suit you - yet not doing anything to fix the broken stuff you see right in front of you?
........with that said, let's move on.
Even the strongest members I know, the ppl who seem to be more "connected" to their HP than anyone else I know....... even they can have a spiritually bad hair day. God knows I have 'em all the time....so who am I to sit and judge someone else? Heck, I can't live my own darn life by the principles I know and understand so well. From my glass house, there's no room for stone-throwing - and whenever I'm judging a group.......or some other person......I'm not just throwing stones - I'm sniping them with a rifle. (heh......which, by the way, we weak/scared/insecure types like me tend to do when we're far removed {ie - on the internet} from the person/situation that was supposedly bothering us so much)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Some meetings unfortunately seem not to be based in the solution. THey seem to meet once a week to talk about all sorts of outside issues and no one seems to get well despite the psychoanalyzing from everyone. Ive had to leave a few meetings behind like that. Stick to the meetings where people seem to be enthusiastic about helping a newcomer. That's a tell tale sign of 12 step sobriety. Glad you decided to come back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
In think a lot of this is about expectations. I have been to dozens of meetings and never heard of a "newcomer packet" or any of the fuss you describe.
What you are talking about at the second meeting seems great and extraordinary, but the first meeting seems more ordinary. What you describe in the second meeting sounds a lot like what I have been advocating for here. I am no longer in any 12-step fellowship, but I send people to AA, and they always come back so I can explain the program and what they are supposed to do. I always think that the AA ought to do that in the meetings.
What you are talking about at the second meeting seems great and extraordinary, but the first meeting seems more ordinary. What you describe in the second meeting sounds a lot like what I have been advocating for here. I am no longer in any 12-step fellowship, but I send people to AA, and they always come back so I can explain the program and what they are supposed to do. I always think that the AA ought to do that in the meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by miamifella
In think a lot of this is about expectations. I have been to dozens of meetings and never heard of a "newcomer packet" or any of the fuss you describe.
What you are talking about at the second meeting seems great and extraordinary, but the first meeting seems more ordinary. What you describe in the second meeting sounds a lot like what I have been advocating for here. I am no longer in any 12-step fellowship, but I send people to AA, and they always come back so I can explain the program and what they are supposed to do. I always think that the AA ought to do that in the meetings.
What you are talking about at the second meeting seems great and extraordinary, but the first meeting seems more ordinary. What you describe in the second meeting sounds a lot like what I have been advocating for here. I am no longer in any 12-step fellowship, but I send people to AA, and they always come back so I can explain the program and what they are supposed to do. I always think that the AA ought to do that in the meetings.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back....glad you found a positive meeting
and hope you will make it your HG.....
In my county we have 7 different AA groups and
they all have a different ambience
I prefer my HG or it would not be the one for me.
and hope you will make it your HG.....
In my county we have 7 different AA groups and
they all have a different ambience
I prefer my HG or it would not be the one for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
I remember my first AA meeting. I was scared ******** to walk in that door. I sat in my car looking at people outside. I saw two women sitting together on a bench. I got up all my courage to get out of my car and walk up to them. I said this was my first meeting but I am afraid to go in, would they walk in with me and could I sit with them. One woman said "No, we are busy here working on our steps, find someone else". Well needless to say I left.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I love AA meetings. I go to the Step study, and discussion. I was completely clueless and didn't really have any expectations. I just figure if they can put up with my BS they are amazing- HA! What a bunch of alkies! I love them.
I am not saying I will never have a bad experience, but so far so good
I feel bad for the old timers that have to deal with me, the newbie, but they seem pretty cool about it and patient with my trillion questions.
Thanks for the thread CowboyTim
I am not saying I will never have a bad experience, but so far so good
I feel bad for the old timers that have to deal with me, the newbie, but they seem pretty cool about it and patient with my trillion questions.Thanks for the thread CowboyTim
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
During my drinking career I went to a lot of bars. I was more than willing to try several before I found the ones that gave me what I wanted and then I kept going back to those. I was more than willing to repeat the process until I found those I liked.
AA meetings can have some striking similarities. I found if I put the same effort into AA meetings that I put into bars I got what I wanted, in fact in the case of meetings, just what I needed.
Best wishes,
Jon
AA meetings can have some striking similarities. I found if I put the same effort into AA meetings that I put into bars I got what I wanted, in fact in the case of meetings, just what I needed.
Best wishes,
Jon
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by Jfanagle
During my drinking career I went to a lot of bars. I was more than willing to try several before I found the ones that gave me what I wanted and then I kept going back to those. I was more than willing to repeat the process until I found those I liked.
AA meetings can have some striking similarities. I found if I put the same effort into AA meetings that I put into bars I got what I wanted, in fact in the case of meetings, just what I needed.
Best wishes,
Jon
AA meetings can have some striking similarities. I found if I put the same effort into AA meetings that I put into bars I got what I wanted, in fact in the case of meetings, just what I needed.
Best wishes,
Jon
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