Mr. Hyde just won't quit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Mr. Hyde just won't quit
Hi folks,
I posted here some time ago regarding an effort to quit drinking and some withdrawal symptoms. I never followed up that post because my effort largely failed and I resurrected my elaborate system of excuses and alibis so I could keep self-medicating.
Now, I'm in that hellish place where I'm one person in the mornings and early afternoons ("tonight is the night—no alcohol, none!") and then I'm a different person by night ("nothing wrong with beer number six, right?!")
I spoke with a doctor about 4 weeks ago about my concerns with my drinking. I won't say I was 100% honest about the amount I drink, or about how depressed I am over it. Based on the info I did give him, he speculated that my withdrawal symptoms would be minimal and that, given my history of anxiety and depression, he was more worried about me having anxiety attacks over the potential of withdrawal. In any case, he gave me .5mg of Ativan and told me to take that instead of drinking. Sent me on my way.
That hasn't worked out so well. The last 4 weeks have been a real strange blend of stop-and-start. Here's how the days have gone:
1.) I take an Ativan between 3-4pm (usually when I'd be having my first drink.) Anxiety and nausea come on strong within two hours, so I take another Ativan. Generally I find that .5mg of Ativan does absolutely nothing, it's like taking a Tic-Tac. So I'll take two (possibly three), and then maybe have a drink or two with the rationale that I'm "tapering." These are good days.
2.) I don't take the Ativan and I just drink my usual amount, usually after telling myself all day that I won't drink at all, or that I'll have 2 or 3. These are depressing days.
3.) I take maybe 2mg of Ativan and still go to bed drunk. These are the worst days.
I suppose I need to follow up with my doctor and be honest about how this is going. I have, right at the core of my soul, a desperate, burning desire to stop drinking. But when 3pm rolls around, it's like I've been body-snatched. I'll also admit that I'm a hypochondriac and I have a paralyzing fear of withdrawal symptoms.
What it all boils down to is that I'm in a place where I have absolutely no fear or hesitation about living without alcohol. In fact I want nothing more. But I just can't seem to find my way from here to there.
I posted here some time ago regarding an effort to quit drinking and some withdrawal symptoms. I never followed up that post because my effort largely failed and I resurrected my elaborate system of excuses and alibis so I could keep self-medicating.
Now, I'm in that hellish place where I'm one person in the mornings and early afternoons ("tonight is the night—no alcohol, none!") and then I'm a different person by night ("nothing wrong with beer number six, right?!")
I spoke with a doctor about 4 weeks ago about my concerns with my drinking. I won't say I was 100% honest about the amount I drink, or about how depressed I am over it. Based on the info I did give him, he speculated that my withdrawal symptoms would be minimal and that, given my history of anxiety and depression, he was more worried about me having anxiety attacks over the potential of withdrawal. In any case, he gave me .5mg of Ativan and told me to take that instead of drinking. Sent me on my way.
That hasn't worked out so well. The last 4 weeks have been a real strange blend of stop-and-start. Here's how the days have gone:
1.) I take an Ativan between 3-4pm (usually when I'd be having my first drink.) Anxiety and nausea come on strong within two hours, so I take another Ativan. Generally I find that .5mg of Ativan does absolutely nothing, it's like taking a Tic-Tac. So I'll take two (possibly three), and then maybe have a drink or two with the rationale that I'm "tapering." These are good days.
2.) I don't take the Ativan and I just drink my usual amount, usually after telling myself all day that I won't drink at all, or that I'll have 2 or 3. These are depressing days.
3.) I take maybe 2mg of Ativan and still go to bed drunk. These are the worst days.
I suppose I need to follow up with my doctor and be honest about how this is going. I have, right at the core of my soul, a desperate, burning desire to stop drinking. But when 3pm rolls around, it's like I've been body-snatched. I'll also admit that I'm a hypochondriac and I have a paralyzing fear of withdrawal symptoms.
What it all boils down to is that I'm in a place where I have absolutely no fear or hesitation about living without alcohol. In fact I want nothing more. But I just can't seem to find my way from here to there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I felt the same as you for years although I never told a Dr. about anything. I don't take pills of any kind because I am afraid of alcohol/drug interactions. When I went to high school a local girl named Terry Schiavo went into a coma from such an interaction and it scared me. Now I don't drink at all and I still don't know about pills. I'm not a Dr. but I wonder about taking mood altering drugs while drinking/quitting drinking. Alcohol is such a powerful mood altering drug by itself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
The last several weeks of my drinking are a muffled mess of memories of going in and out of blackouts due to mixing benzos and booze. I had this idea that if I could just take my meds one day and then drink the next and keep alternating I wouldnt become addicted to either. Genius thinking, right? I could go a day with just booze, but I always ended up drinknig on the days when I decided only to take my meds. It was a mess.
After a couple of psych ward vacations I ended up in rehab. Upon leaving there I got into AA. That was july of 2008. I've been sober since. I learned that by putting down the booze, I wasnt putting down the problem, I was putting down the only answer I ever had. I needed a new answer otherwise I was just gonna go right back to my old ways. Sound familiar?
AA was my answer. Other people have gotten sober in other ways, but the common thread seems to be that we need to have program of recovery in place. We need a new answer otherwise we relapse again and again.
Be careful with the benzos and booze. If youve been doing them long enough the withdrawal can be very dangerous. Youd be wise to seek treatment.
After a couple of psych ward vacations I ended up in rehab. Upon leaving there I got into AA. That was july of 2008. I've been sober since. I learned that by putting down the booze, I wasnt putting down the problem, I was putting down the only answer I ever had. I needed a new answer otherwise I was just gonna go right back to my old ways. Sound familiar?
AA was my answer. Other people have gotten sober in other ways, but the common thread seems to be that we need to have program of recovery in place. We need a new answer otherwise we relapse again and again.
Be careful with the benzos and booze. If youve been doing them long enough the withdrawal can be very dangerous. Youd be wise to seek treatment.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
Yep, the worst blackouts I ever had where on Xanies and booze. Very bad combo, and probably dangerous. it makes me wonder why doctors prescribe benzos to people with drinking issues(didn't get mine from a doc) but then again you didn't tell the doc everything.
Ben you mentioned that,
"I'll also admit that I'm a hypochondriac and I have a paralyzing fear of withdrawal symptoms."
You are perhaps too much of a hypochondriac to stop drinking, but not enough of a hypochondriac to stop taking Ativan with alcohol? *jk I just want you to see the contradiction. I do that myself.
Like you said, just be up front with the doc to make sure you can detox safely.
I can relate to being a Jekyll and Hyde, my friends used to call me the "other person" after all the beer.
Anyways, What helps me on a daily is this room, My BF, AA, AVRT, and first and foremost my desire to be healthy and sober is stronger then my desire to be a drunk. It really does hurt more to drink than to not.
Ben you mentioned that,
"I'll also admit that I'm a hypochondriac and I have a paralyzing fear of withdrawal symptoms."
You are perhaps too much of a hypochondriac to stop drinking, but not enough of a hypochondriac to stop taking Ativan with alcohol? *jk I just want you to see the contradiction. I do that myself.
Like you said, just be up front with the doc to make sure you can detox safely.
I can relate to being a Jekyll and Hyde, my friends used to call me the "other person" after all the beer.
Anyways, What helps me on a daily is this room, My BF, AA, AVRT, and first and foremost my desire to be healthy and sober is stronger then my desire to be a drunk. It really does hurt more to drink than to not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Thank you so, so much for the replies everyone.
Benzos and booze I am going to stay away from, every one who mentioned that is exactly right. In fact, I have no idea why I so meekly took the Ativan 'script from the doctor. I spent about two years on klonipin and about a year and a half ago, I quit cold turkey and went through a nightmare withdrawal (in fact, I would say that was when my drinking took a serious upswing, to compensate for the absence of benzos.) The absolute last thing I want to do is reinvolve those in my life, but I've been so desperate to quit drinking that I guess I folded.
I've got more hope today than I have in a while, largely from reading these boards (instead of working
)
Benzos and booze I am going to stay away from, every one who mentioned that is exactly right. In fact, I have no idea why I so meekly took the Ativan 'script from the doctor. I spent about two years on klonipin and about a year and a half ago, I quit cold turkey and went through a nightmare withdrawal (in fact, I would say that was when my drinking took a serious upswing, to compensate for the absence of benzos.) The absolute last thing I want to do is reinvolve those in my life, but I've been so desperate to quit drinking that I guess I folded.
I've got more hope today than I have in a while, largely from reading these boards (instead of working
)
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