paul1664

hi all,

well its been ages since i last posted, and since then i have been in a really bad place, i did try going to the aa, but just ended up feeling really angry whilst i was attending the meetings.

And since i stopped going - im finding life really hard and been hitting the bottle quite hard and on a daily bases and to be honest i hate it, and at the moment im hating my life and everything in it.

i do know that in the end its going to kill me - but i really cant see a way out at the mo.

sorry to put this burden onto people this early but just needed someone to chat to

thanks for reading anyway

soberbrooke

I kept relapsing also. It is normal to relapse. We relapse because we are an alcoholic!!

I just kept finding my way back to AA until it finally worked. You are on the right path, and only you can make it happen for yourself. I wanted it more than anything this time. I wanted sobriety more than I wanted to live even. Now I want to live in sobriety!!

navy0923

Thanks Brooke, you said it perfectly! I wish you the best paul1664.

tomsteve

anger was a major part of my life. when i got into recovery though AA and the fog started lifting, that anger came back. the program taught me what that anger was all about.

what i'm reading is the even though life may have been a lil hard while attending AA. it wasnt as hard as it is when yer not attending. sure hope ya find yer way back there.

Sudz No More

You are here because you care, that is huge. Never give up.

sugarbear1

I felt a dis-ease with my self and with my emotions. Anger is just another emotion.

I didn't drink while going to a meeting or sitting in a meeting or when I went out for coffee after a meeting. Then I went to another meeting. I hit a lot of meetings in early recovery as I didn't want to sit alone, that would lead me back to drinking and isolating. One day at a time I didn't drink, got to a meeting and finally met a sponsor to guide me through the steps, which is where I found a change take place in me.

There is no quick fix to our drinking. It's doable, but there is work to be done and feelings to feel. Eventually, it all evens out.

Whatever works for you to stay stopped, do it. Lots of options available. Detox, rehab, AA, Rational Recovery, SMART, AVRT, Women for Sobriety, Life Ring, maybe another (I don't suggest moderation management, that moderation never worked for me, it was all or nothing!).

Find something that will help you and stick with it like you did with the drinking. You can do this. Keep trying!

neferkamichael

There is a way out of it Paul, you'll figure it out. Keep hangin here, sooner or later somebody will post something that will ring true in your mind.

sugarbear1

(I don't suggest women for sobriety for you, paul, but maybe a female could be helped by reading this!)

mecanix

Anger can be a way of coping with difficult emotions just as much as getting hammerd , When we stop blotting emotion out with drink all this suff can come to the surface .

Repressed memories, all kinds of things. AA step work is one way of working through it all and turning it round, there are also other theraputic avenues you can try .

The anger might be fear of change or fear of loosing control, it's unusual to just be angry for no reason .....

best wishes M

Stevie1

Hi Paul.
Most of us have been where you are...I understand and it's not a good place for sure. That you are here sharing is excellent because the healthy, strong part of you knows there IS a way out. You just haven't found it yet.

The anger (one of my traits too) especially at AA meetings is your addictive voice fighting your healthy self. Look up AVRT here.

And keep coming back. You CAN do this.

MetalChick

Yep, that was the kicker for me

2granddaughters

I think the way out is AA.

It takes most of us a while to settle in to AA as everything that AA wants us to do is very un-natural, uncomfortable and scary for an alcoholic.

Go back to the meetings and hook up with some other newcomers and work together. You can do it.

All the best.

Bob R

paul1664

thanks for the replies everybody - there greatly appreciated and sort of understood - ill keep reading through the post on this site and as u have said hopefully something in here will help me "click"

i am scared though and have spent the whole day lying on my bed crying - and thats something i never do.

i also find the thought of asking people for help very difficult as im a very singular person, but i no that im going to have to stop it soon

once again thank you for your kind words of support :-)

LitBit

Hang in there Paul. We are all here for you and all face the same struggle.
Hugs, Lit

mfsteve1

It had occurred to me that there was a peaceful place to be found if I could just hold on and let the emotional storm pass.

Today, today, today. There is only today.

Remember that when you're at an AA meeting you are helping others recover. You've gone out of your way to help someone so give yourself props!

CarolD

Welcome back Paul...

calmernow

Brooke you put it perfectly! I also relapsed three times in my first year of attempting to stay sober. I also struggled with AA meetings in the beginning but kept going and trying different meetings until I found ones where I connected with people and that made all the difference. It does take time though. Paul I can almost hear the alcohol in your voice through your written word. It makes us feel sooo depressed, alone and trapped. I feel for you and your struggle - many of us have been exactly where you are now. The feelings are so bad you think I need another sip just to get rid of them. But if you can just ride that part out and remember everything you are feeling now only gets worse with more alcohol. The relief it offers is so short lived and we pay for it dearly. You will get there. Try to find a meeting you like , talk to the people there who will tell you about other good meetings. I did an evening outpatient program at a local hospital where I met some amazing people and we meet up at meetings. Remember no alcohol things can get better with alcohol there is no chance of that.

awuh1

In the past, when I would first get sober, the best description of me was anger-in-search-of-a-target.

That anger, and the sadness that often alternated with it, were opposite sides of the same coin. Both often seemed to be externally caused, but the “causes” were disproportionately small when compared to my reactions.

Keep going to the meetings. Tell people it’s just been a few days separation from alcohol. Most will understand. It WILL get better.

paul1664

well i did it - i went to a meeting tonight - and surprisingly for me i wasnt angry at the end of the meeting, i actually feel pretty good mentally - physically my body feels like poo - but my heads in a good place.

i have my next one again on friday - so whilst im waiting till then im going to curl up on my bed - have a read through this site and bury myself in my BB

Hevyn

You can do it, Paul. You can leave that miserable old life behind. A new world is waiting for you.