Conflicting self-identity and drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 140
Conflicting self-identity and drinking.
Although I was feeling terribly tense last night I am happy to say I stayed sober and I am hangover free this morning. I went to bed early mostly to lay in the dark and have a thought, and the reason I am posting this is because perhaps it may be insightful to others who may or may not have felt the same way.
I'm feeling terribly conflicted on how I want to or how I should convey myself to the world. Most importantly I want to stay healthy and continue to pursue positive actions and thoughts. But I've always had a bit of trouble figuring out the concept of "being yourself". I don't doubt that I do this "being yourself" thing all of the time. I look at myself in my adolescence where I wanted to pursue some edgy Bukowski-esque dive-bar kind of life. Now I'm pursuing a double major in college and living on the straight and narrow or so they say.
By no means am I trying to glorify my changes or put myself on a pedestal, I always had this in me. I feel like perhaps I've thrown away some of the things I once believed in and I feel like there's a part of me I can't regain or there's still some sort of void of personality that needs filled by something other than drinking. I don't think I've really wrapped my head around the fact that college is a high percentage of my life at this moment, and maybe that's just it. I am doing very well in school, and I really enjoy the experience.
But has anyone else ever felt like although they've changed for the better, there are some fragments of their life that are still under-developed?
I'm feeling terribly conflicted on how I want to or how I should convey myself to the world. Most importantly I want to stay healthy and continue to pursue positive actions and thoughts. But I've always had a bit of trouble figuring out the concept of "being yourself". I don't doubt that I do this "being yourself" thing all of the time. I look at myself in my adolescence where I wanted to pursue some edgy Bukowski-esque dive-bar kind of life. Now I'm pursuing a double major in college and living on the straight and narrow or so they say.
By no means am I trying to glorify my changes or put myself on a pedestal, I always had this in me. I feel like perhaps I've thrown away some of the things I once believed in and I feel like there's a part of me I can't regain or there's still some sort of void of personality that needs filled by something other than drinking. I don't think I've really wrapped my head around the fact that college is a high percentage of my life at this moment, and maybe that's just it. I am doing very well in school, and I really enjoy the experience.
But has anyone else ever felt like although they've changed for the better, there are some fragments of their life that are still under-developed?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
yes, yes, yes and yes.
Part of my difficulty in getting sober was that I had aspects of identity wrapped up in being an addict.
So, I got the substances out and then there are these holes, spaces etc. Now, I can choose to experience them as dark empty caves of existential chaos (and I've done plenty of that) or I can choose to experience them as wide open soul space where amazing new things can grow and take place. Or I can wonder if they are wells that yet unexpected things may bubble up from, or mines where gems of my soul might be harvested.
There is a great unknown inside of me.
I was going through a deep existential crisis in the past few months. Part of it due to making further steps to shed my identity of addict, then recovering addict, and now moving towards identifying as something/someone without relating to addiction at all.
I felt like I was totally disintegrating. Disappearing. Turning to dust and blowing away. I mean, if I wasn't an addict, and I wasn't even a "recovering addict" , and I wasn't a wife, and I didn't want to go around calling myself a divorcee...and etc etc etc..in so many aspects of my life...
I freaked, then I googled...and ran across an interesting article on positive disintegration, and a psychologist who, rather than looking at disintegrating self esteem as merely a horrible crisis some patients go through, sees it as an amazing opportunity for rebirth.
existential crisis reframed as existential opportunity.
I have no idea if any of this is what YOU are talking about, but it is what your post triggered in my mind.
So, reframed, I am moving forward a great deal more comfortable with the holes and chaos in my soul. Even feeling interested and excited at times about the whole process.
The best part is, having gotten into recovery, lost jobs, marriage, home etc etc etc over the past few years I realize that I don't have to rush to fill in the empty spaces, or to redefine myself. It will happen in time. It will most likely be more fulfilling if I don't force it or rush it, and I am intentional about my choices.
Who do I want to be in relationship with? Who do I want to spend time with? What do I put my efforts toward? Which ideas and perspectives do I use to address my life? Which food and substances and Rx drugs do I choose to use?
I used to experience my life as a sinking ship, and I would grab whatever was nearby and try to stuff the leak with it. I would "bail" out anything around me, thinking it would keep me afloat, not paying attention to what I was throwing overboard.
Kazimierz Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration
Part of my difficulty in getting sober was that I had aspects of identity wrapped up in being an addict.
So, I got the substances out and then there are these holes, spaces etc. Now, I can choose to experience them as dark empty caves of existential chaos (and I've done plenty of that) or I can choose to experience them as wide open soul space where amazing new things can grow and take place. Or I can wonder if they are wells that yet unexpected things may bubble up from, or mines where gems of my soul might be harvested.
There is a great unknown inside of me.
I was going through a deep existential crisis in the past few months. Part of it due to making further steps to shed my identity of addict, then recovering addict, and now moving towards identifying as something/someone without relating to addiction at all.
I felt like I was totally disintegrating. Disappearing. Turning to dust and blowing away. I mean, if I wasn't an addict, and I wasn't even a "recovering addict" , and I wasn't a wife, and I didn't want to go around calling myself a divorcee...and etc etc etc..in so many aspects of my life...
I freaked, then I googled...and ran across an interesting article on positive disintegration, and a psychologist who, rather than looking at disintegrating self esteem as merely a horrible crisis some patients go through, sees it as an amazing opportunity for rebirth.
existential crisis reframed as existential opportunity.
I have no idea if any of this is what YOU are talking about, but it is what your post triggered in my mind.
So, reframed, I am moving forward a great deal more comfortable with the holes and chaos in my soul. Even feeling interested and excited at times about the whole process.
The best part is, having gotten into recovery, lost jobs, marriage, home etc etc etc over the past few years I realize that I don't have to rush to fill in the empty spaces, or to redefine myself. It will happen in time. It will most likely be more fulfilling if I don't force it or rush it, and I am intentional about my choices.
Who do I want to be in relationship with? Who do I want to spend time with? What do I put my efforts toward? Which ideas and perspectives do I use to address my life? Which food and substances and Rx drugs do I choose to use?
I used to experience my life as a sinking ship, and I would grab whatever was nearby and try to stuff the leak with it. I would "bail" out anything around me, thinking it would keep me afloat, not paying attention to what I was throwing overboard.
Kazimierz Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
For me,a lot of the foundation of how I used to look at things revolved around drinking. Not sure how old you are,but I lived most of my life where the 5 oclock buzz was automatic for a long long time. And stopping that was like I say,"a foundation change"
I have been sober quite a while now,and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. But when I was drinking I knew who I was. I was a 5 oclock drunk. Work all day,get off and race to the beer store. Get up next day,say I'm not drinking today,till 5 oclock.And do it all over again.That's it.
I was laid off a couple months ago,and that has compounded the problem. I did my line of work most of my life.And I loved my job. So I now have a double identity problem,because I am looking at changing occupations.
All I know is if I was still drinking,I would really have a problem. But without booze,this stuff is really only minor obstacles for me.
Fred
I have been sober quite a while now,and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. But when I was drinking I knew who I was. I was a 5 oclock drunk. Work all day,get off and race to the beer store. Get up next day,say I'm not drinking today,till 5 oclock.And do it all over again.That's it.
I was laid off a couple months ago,and that has compounded the problem. I did my line of work most of my life.And I loved my job. So I now have a double identity problem,because I am looking at changing occupations.
All I know is if I was still drinking,I would really have a problem. But without booze,this stuff is really only minor obstacles for me.
Fred
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
RaiseAnchor: I do relate to what you're talking about and the need to "be yourself". That was one of the themes of my first few years of abstinence. The problem for me, at first, was that I didn't know who I was. I didn't even really know who I wanted to be. I started drinking at age 13 and, well, I just didn't have a clue; all I had was a bunch of rambling, disjointed thoughts.
I was also reasonably bright, had done well in school and had a professional degree I wasn't using. So it wasn't as though I was totally down for the count...kind of like you.
What I found was that the (for want of a better term) reconstructive period following my decision to quit drinking took some time and a lot of careful thought. It was a LOT slower than I thought it should be. I started on this road with a lot of impulsivity and many "aha"! moments that seemed like the end, but were really just small pieces of the puzzle. So yes, many times I thought there were underdeveloped fragments...because there WERE. I had to be patient and allow myself the time to figure things out. I guess what I am trying to say is the same thing I find myself saying over and over again: this thing we call "recovery" is really nothing more than growing up...and that takes time and effort.
I was also reasonably bright, had done well in school and had a professional degree I wasn't using. So it wasn't as though I was totally down for the count...kind of like you.
What I found was that the (for want of a better term) reconstructive period following my decision to quit drinking took some time and a lot of careful thought. It was a LOT slower than I thought it should be. I started on this road with a lot of impulsivity and many "aha"! moments that seemed like the end, but were really just small pieces of the puzzle. So yes, many times I thought there were underdeveloped fragments...because there WERE. I had to be patient and allow myself the time to figure things out. I guess what I am trying to say is the same thing I find myself saying over and over again: this thing we call "recovery" is really nothing more than growing up...and that takes time and effort.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
RaiseAnchor, I am still struggling with that myself.
I find that when I talk to old friends now, they seem to think
I am being sarcastic about everything, when in truth I am being the most honest I've ever been.
I feel like they don't understand the new me, and that makes me question myself.
I find that when I talk to old friends now, they seem to think
I am being sarcastic about everything, when in truth I am being the most honest I've ever been.
I feel like they don't understand the new me, and that makes me question myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
I identified a lot with Bukowski's edgy/careless attitude a lot when I was drinking, and would read his stories and novels when I'm knocking back booze. Even though he's probably my favorite writer, I tend not to read him when I'm trying to stay sober. In a way, his attitude and lifestyle (at least in his Chinaski character) felt cathartic and relieving to admire and embody. Basically, getting drunk 24/7 and doing nothing with my life, accepting depression and just living existentially. That didn't sit too well after a while, and now I'm left with a gap that the drinking and the carelessness used to "fill" (and I use quotation marks because I was still empty, it was an illusion of having been complete).
I think we all, as complex humans, have different facets to our identity, self-perception, and personality. I feel like it's best to choose our actions, words and general lifestyle based on what's truly good for us and the people around us, and let that speak for itself. Whenever I've tried to pursue a preconceived sort of lifestyle or identity, I end up feeling counterfeit, yet when I make a real effort to "be myself," that also doesn't feel quite right. Sometimes, though, it just seems easier to emulate a predetermined or "prepared" lifestyle/identity (even when self-destructive), instead of that feeling of having your true self exposed.
I feel like it's best to throw that all away and see what I make out of each present moment. And maybe, if I just make decisions day by day to do what's best and be the best person I can for those around me, then I ought to be satisfied with that. There are times that, without some precise "identity" to portray, I'll feel almost naked; left to my own devices, insecure and unsure of myself. But to find the strength to face that head on, maybe that's when character is truly built. And maybe that's exactly what we need.
I think we all, as complex humans, have different facets to our identity, self-perception, and personality. I feel like it's best to choose our actions, words and general lifestyle based on what's truly good for us and the people around us, and let that speak for itself. Whenever I've tried to pursue a preconceived sort of lifestyle or identity, I end up feeling counterfeit, yet when I make a real effort to "be myself," that also doesn't feel quite right. Sometimes, though, it just seems easier to emulate a predetermined or "prepared" lifestyle/identity (even when self-destructive), instead of that feeling of having your true self exposed.
I feel like it's best to throw that all away and see what I make out of each present moment. And maybe, if I just make decisions day by day to do what's best and be the best person I can for those around me, then I ought to be satisfied with that. There are times that, without some precise "identity" to portray, I'll feel almost naked; left to my own devices, insecure and unsure of myself. But to find the strength to face that head on, maybe that's when character is truly built. And maybe that's exactly what we need.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
