Someguy23

Was very tempted not to post this, but I said I would keep you guys up to date and that I'd be honest, so I will. Not sure wether this belongs here or in the Newcomers sub-forum, the mods can feel free to move it.

I've been doing alright for a pretty long time. Yesterday I screwed up. Big time.

I went back up to Montreal for a few days, e-mailed friends ahead of time and we went to our usual bar. I'd saved up my drinks for the week so I could get a bit wasted with them. I hadn't seen them in so long.

I was fine for awhile, pacing myself and staying hydrated, but my friends were drinking pretty heavily. One in particular was quite intent on oblivion, both for himself and others, and kept insisting I pick up the pace a little. Eventually, I gave in.

Nothing much happened, no missing time, no social missteps, not even much of a hangover... but nobody in his right mind would say I drank responsibly or in a controlled manner and I eventually had to throw up after I got back home because my stomach was very upset.

I'm not looking for excuses. It was my decision to meet heavy drinking friends in our favorite bar. It was my decision to stick around when everyone was drunk and pressuring me to go for it too. It was my decision to give in. I screwed up and I take full responsibility for it.

I'm not going to shrug my shoulders, call it a one time mistake and move on apace. Nothing much happened this time, but if I tolerate occasional heavy drinking like this, even if it's rare, something unpleasent will happen sooner or later.

I need to react to this somehow. I haven't decided how yet, but I need to. I'll let you guys know what I decide.

In the end, I'm glad I did post this. Felt good to get it off my chest.

suki44883

Lots of us did those types of things in the beginning. It isn't easy to quit drinking, but if that is what you truly want, the only thing you can do is just get back up on that horse and keep going. Don't spend too much time dwelling on it. It happened. You can't change it, but hopefully, you learned something from it.

It'll be okay.

Dee74

I agree with Suki.

It's nothing that hasn't happened to any of us before...examine with honesty....learn from it...make that decision about what to do next...and move on

D

CarolD

It never occured to me to "save up my drinks" so I could drink.
Not sure what that is about but I hope you got the required
number in and will now actually quit...

Someguy23

Work has been pretty crazy lately, but I've had time to mull things over.

To be honest, I really can't pretend I truly want to quit drinking forever. I've had my share of bad nights, including the one that prompted the above post, but the good times still completely outweigh the bad, and I've never had any medical or legal problems from drinking. I see no point in making any commitment to something until I can at least say it's what I want.

On the other hand, I can say that chugging cheap beer and throwing up when I get home is not something I want in my life anymore. I don't know how much I'm worth as a human being, but I do think I'm worth more than that.

Either way, it doesn't matter. To paraphrase someone much smarter than myself, in the long run, I'll be dead no matter what I do. There's no sense getting intimidated by "never" and "forever" which are really only words.

I've got a thesis to write right now. It's kind of a big deal for me. I won't drink until at least after I'm done. If nothing else, it couldn't hurt with the work...

It's only a temporary decision, but I'm not comfortable with anything more than that. Aside from which, I've always considered there's no such thing as a decision which isn't temporary. As for what happens after, I'll see how I feel. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'll keep you guys up to date.

Someguy23

Oh, forgot to add, I just received a bottle of high quality blackcurrant liqueur as a (belated) name day gift.

The universe sure has a perverted sense of humor sometimes...

Dee74

I know now Alcohol and I have a toxic relationship....always have always will.

I wasted a lot of years trying to have my cake and eat it too SG - I realise now the man I could have been and the life I could have living all those (many many) years.

Don't waste as long on a decision as I did.

D

hypochondriac

Most of us have problems committing to quitting Someguy, that's why many of us end up with medical/legal problems from drinking For most people that's what prompts us to actually quit in the end. I hope that isn't what you're waiting for.

If you are interested in that forever/never debate, look into the AVRT view around that, it's quite interesting. As someone who was always quitting tomorrow, this is an issue I had to jump over before I managed to quit. Or then there is always the AA 'one day at a time' method. These things are there to help us.

Good luck with your thesis x

p.s. Try using AVRT on your last post....

instant

On balance if you think it all worth it- it's your call to make. For me I wasn't happy with the balance but in the end decided there was only one way to change it. The only regret about the decision I now have after 14 months of sobriety is that it took me too many years to get there.......................because nothing bad happened.

RobbyRobot

Ego-centric selfish thinking, yeah? Also, seems to show you have little use for objective abstract thinking re: about drinking alcohol

Again here, as example, its what you really want which takes precedent. You may not 'want' to be throwing up, but it sounds like you'll 'settle' for throwing up nonetheless, as otherwise you would have to re-visit not quitting. You know, its not 'cheap' beer making you throwup, either, imo. Throwing money at drinking isn't less alcoholic. I'm not entirely sure either that you know how much you're worth. How sad, yeah? I remember my own struggles with self-worth.


Only words?

'Never' and 'forever' are certainly relative terms, and we each have our own respective experiences. I do know for myself, they have more meaning then 'just words'. Whatever my views, time is always experienced as a flowing continuum of now moments into infinity never ending. So yeah, I can get my head around 'forever'.

How hopeless is the phrase "I'll be dead no matter what I do." ??

I'm not convinced you don't have some serious doubts of, and about your life, moving forward, with or without alcohol, you know?

I hope things work out as you want, Someguy, even as I doubt that they will, you know? And I hope so because being who we are is the ultimate experience, and who am I to say who you are?

Live and let live comes to mind.

thisisme

Name day?
Jeez that one really got me. You must be an historian or reading some very old books.
I hope you find the desire to remain sober.


edit-Game of Thrones

Someguy23

Arguably, I quit two days ago. I just don't know how long it will last.

Re-reading my post, I think I didn't make one thing clear. When I said that I don't want to quit forever, that wasn't meant to imply that I want to keep drinking or that I want to start drinking again in the future either, just that I don't know what I want in the long run, especially since I really haven't enough bad experiences to feel obligated to quit.

More precisely:

If you ask me if I want to start drinking again at some point in the next ten years, I'll answer I'm not even sure I'll be alive ten years from now, let alone whether I'll be drinking or not.

If you ask me if I want to start drinking again at some point in the next year, I'll answer maybe but not right now.

If you ask me if I want to start drinking again at some point in the next two months (probable time for me to finish my thesis), I'll answer I don't want to. It's not impossible I will, but it will be out of weakness, not desire.

And indeed, I see no reason to make a lifetime commitment until I'm fairly sure I want a lifetime commitment. It doesn't preclude me from doing what I think is right for now and letting the future fend for itself. Same reason I've never proposed to any girl yet...

P.S.
I meant perverse, not perverted. Note to self: refrain from posting at 3AM after a five hours LaTeX binge from now on.

P.P.S.
No, the name day is kind of a big deal in my country, it's like a second birthday (and since both of my small names are names of major saints, I get two of them a year).

hypochondriac

I understood what you meant with the commitment thing...mainly because I think I must have been the same myself, I think we all were (hands up who 'wasn't sure' if they wanted to make a lifetime commitment to abstinence...?)...I just meant that for some of us (read most) our hand ends up being forced, either by health reasons, social misconduct while drunk, court order...and I for one am really, really embarrassed by that fact, that even though I 'knew' I was an alcoholic in my early 20's I left it til I past 30 and had a medical professional tell me I had to quit. It doesn't do ones self esteem any good to feel that helpless. (Btw I made it all worse by continuing to drink for another year after that! Funny how things turn out).

I no longer leave things to fate. No I don't know what will happen in a few months or years time, but I know I won't be drinking, because if I am I would have made a conscious decision to destroy my health. So I just make a conscious decision to not drink instead. (really, look into AVRT, I'm not sure what I would have done without that...)

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough again. You need to find your own path, but know that you do have control over how long your sobriety lasts. Some of us have to work hard to keep our sobriety because the alternative is unacceptable. I pray that you don't have to reach that point. You seem like a nice person x

oinobares

Someguy, this is why "one day at a time" is a wise and helpful saying (at least in AA and for me). I have a huge writing project to finish as well, which has been delayed again and again for years because of my drinking. I could say, "I will quit at least until I get that thing finished." I could fantasize about making it some thirty years into my seventies, and kicking back with a fine single malt or an exquisite Pomerol, or maybe just a Bud. I could say I'll make it six months and try having a few civilized drinks then. I could say I'll never drink again. But none of this helps me today, because it is irrelevant. Seems to me you understand this pretty well.

A few things about my own drinking that I have had to honestly accept with no equivocation: One, I no longer get hangovers--I get withdrawal, and that is some seriously monumental physical and mental suffering. Two, I get withdrawal because if I have one drink, even if I maintain control for one evening or two, eventually that flimsy control will evaporate, and I will be powerless to stop imbibing. I'll get sick and rather than repeatedly dry-heave and freak out with anxiety, I will down whatever alcohol is at hand, or possibly walk a couple miles for some pints of irish whiskey which I did this past year much to my own horror.

Thus, the price I found myself paying for a "couple drinks" came to be unmanageably high. So, I just don't pick up a drink today. I read and post here and go to AA meetings. I'm not going to pick up a drink today, and neither have I picked up a drink in the past 39 days. I'm going to go to bed sober, and the only thing I can say about tomorrow is that I know I can get up and do the same thing again. I may not know for certain if I will never drink again, but I no longer have any doubt as to what will happen if I do drink. I keep that knowledge ready to hand every day. One day at a time.

I'm sorry as well for rambling and getting very self-referential. Your situation and your thinking are very familiar to me. And as Hypochondriac kindly pointed out, you do have to find your own path, and you have my best wishes!

Someguy23

Spot absolutely on!

I've never had any desire or tendency for long-term planning. About anything. I don't see that changing anytime soon. I think you're right, "one day at a time" is a perspective I can adopt.

I didn't set the limit at when I finish my thesis arbitrarily. I know what will happen when I get my D, my advisor will bring a bottle of triple refined russian vodka, my friends will take me out to kill pitchers and my parents will buy a bottle of good wine.

If that was happening now, I can't pretend I wouldn't drink. I can't even pretend I wouldn't want to. But it's not today and it's no reason for me to drink today. I don't want to drink today, so I won't.

And what happens in two months happens in two months. Who knows, maybe two months from now, I'll just look at it at another "today"...

Quitting while you're more or less ahead might be smarter, but it is harder. It's human nature for hard decisions to be reactive rather than active. I think nobody here would argue that quitting is an easy decision.

I'm trying to psych myself up by finding reasons not to drink anymore. I've made a little list. Maybe I'll post it someday.

You seem like a nice person too hypo. In fact, everybody here has been very nice to me.

P.S.
Neither of you should worry about rambling, I'm a rambler too (unless I make an effort not to).

hypochondriac

Live2Run25

Why wait until your life is complete crap before quitting? That's not really good thinking. I wish the best for you what ever decision you make.

Someguy23

Well, it's been something like a week (the binge that prompted this thread was on a thursday) so I figured I would let you guys know how I'm doing.

I'm fine. Didn't drink at all this week.

Two days ago, my advisor offered me a shot of Becherovka. I'd never had it before so I told him I didn't feel like a drink but to put me a nail on the bottom of the glass for tasting and so we can knock glasses. I don't consider that drinking, it was barely a sip. For what it's worth, I didn't like it. Tasted like Jager but without the sweet and with a lot of bitter instead, not to my liking...

I was afraid about friday night seeing as how friday night is beer night, but I didn't even feel like drinking. I had promised myself a bit more tea tonight and surprised myself by looked forward to it as much as I did to a 12. Right now, I'm waiting for my last pot to cool down (I like it warm but not hot) and chilling out.

Not much else, I've had a good week. Just wanted to check in here and let you guys know I'm doing fine. I hope you all are the same.

Dee74

I guess we differ on that respect SG.

I found I had to respect my sobriety if I wanted to stay sober

I've had people offer drinks to me too - it would probably have been less hassle, easier & more politic to accept, but I didn't and don't.

I respect myself and my sobriety too much now. Every sip leaves the door open a crack to going back to ground zero.

I understand it's your life, your recovery, your rules...but I wanted to put this out here for other people who might be reading this thread.

D

Zee

I don't have an option to drink.
My liver will, quite literally explode and I will die. (My Mantra)
That might sound bonkers, but since I have been ill last year with liver disease (not recommended folks) I have been abstainant completely. In the last couple of months, I have been feeling really well. In fact, I feel and look better than I have in ages. For some people, this could be the green light to drink a 'sip'... but I won't. A 'sip' can easily become 750ml a day again. I can safely say, I hit my bottom, and I ain't going back. I hope you don't hit yours, its not nice. Good luck to you x