Zee

Dee... please bring back floyd, that guy keeps winking at me

Someguy23

I see no point in debating this, but I would like to state it wasn't because of politeness or ease. I was genuinely curious what Becherovka tastes like and I know I don't fly off the handle from just a sip of alcohol.

I'm sorry to hear about your liver problems Zee. Thank you for the good wishes.

Incidentally, Seconded.

Someguy23

If I'm going to be posting regular updates, maybe I should start a new thread. One with a less depressing title. On the other hand, I've gotten pretty attached to this one...

Anyway, I've just gotten back from a bar. A couple I'm friends with dropped by NY for a few days and we went out to celebrate. I fell off the nicotine wagon but I didn't drink.

I drank water because (apparently) I'm on a diet.

It's pretty funny, I was never ashamed of my drinking. I regaled everyone with tales of my drunken screw-ups and frequently exaggerated how many I'd had to sound more hardcore.

On the other hand, wild horses wouldn't drag out of me an admission that I'm worried about my drinking or that I'm seriously thinking of quitting for good. It's my dirty little secret...

P.S.
...and, what do you suppose I got as a housewarming gift? A 750 of Jäger, of course. I have more booze in the house now than ever before, gonna have to figure out what to do with it...

hypochondriac

You know what I've learned about this in my relatively short sober time...no one cares whether I drink or not! If you want to keep it to yourself that is fine. If you came out about it people would be perhaps a bit defensive because they might see it as a criticism on themselves, whereas no one is going to complain about hearing your drunken screw ups because that makes them feel better about themselves. Depressing thought I know but really whatever decision you make about your drinking is your deal.

I was embarrassed even having to say that I have given up drinking initially because I didn't want to admit a 'weakness'. It's not a weakness though. Asking for help when you need it is one of the strongest things you can do, and facing up to a problem full on and tackling it takes guts. After feeling a bit stronger in my recovery I can handle social situations much better sober and I am still me, drinking or not drinking does not change that, I'm just able to walk in a straight line easier

Sudz No More

Too true! Nothing wrong with saying you just would like a Coke. When they ask why you aren't drinking Alcohol, if they are close friends just tell them you don't like it anymore. If you hardly know them, you just don't drink it, period.

Someguy23

Isn't it funny how quickly life can change from one day to the other.

Yesterday I was going out with friends, feeling fine and posting a semi-flippant update.

Today, a friend called me to tell me he's been diagnosed with a severe degenerative disease. One that will most probably kill him in a relatively short period of time.

I'm pretty bummed out as you can imagine. He's not even 5 years older than me, I got drunk at his wedding...

I won't get wasted because of it. If for no other reason than because I'm an emotional drinker and alcohol amplifies my feelings. I learned a very long time ago not to drink when I'm upset unless I want to turn the blues into weaponized super-depression. That's not to say I don't want to drink right now...

freshstart57

My point of view shifted when I stopped noticing reasons for not drinking, and instead found reasons to stay sober. Maybe this idea helped because it is easier for me to work at doing something (willpower) than it is to not do something (won't power?). Don't think about one elephant, for e.g. That's tough to do.

Dee74

Prayers/best wishes for your friend SG

D

Someguy23

If any of you noticed, the thread title changed. I wanted to use this thread more as an update one and the title and sad tag were a bit of a downer.

Thanks Dee for changing the title. Thanks for the wishes too. I appreciate both.

Anyway, I made a little tea (one bag chamomile, two bags regular green, my favorite). I feel better. Over-steeped it a little though, got some bitterness. Making a second pot now.

What I'm trying to do these days when a specific event makes me want to drink is to do a cost vs benefits analysis in my head. In this case, having a few drinks wouldn't have had any chance of positive consequences, for me or my friend, but would have had a non-zero chance of negative consequences.

It tends to work, I respond best to logic and practical thinking.

Someguy23

I've been meaning to post this for awhile, life gets in the way.

I suppose most of you assumed I was just preparing for an inevitable relapse. That's probably about 50% true, I'm not dumb enough not to realize it, but there's more to it than that.

I haven't taken a single permanent decision in my life, nor has anything really ever been permanent in my life.

I was born in one country and got citizenship there, moved to another as a teenager and got citizenship there and moved to a third one now. I'll probably be living here for the next two years, after that, God knows.

My record as far as relationships go is four months. Sure I would have preferred some to have lasted longer than they did, but I can't say I've ever even met a girl I'd consider a possible life-long partner.

Professionally, I started a B.Sc. in math expecting to switch to physics afterwards, decided towards the end I like it enough to do a master's and get a teaching position at a two-year college, decided after that to go for the whole hog and get a doc while I'm at it. I'm probably doing a post-doc now but no idea what I'll be doing two years from now, let alone where.

So indeed, any sort of permanent decision is as far as I'm concerned an animal I've read about but never even seen in a zoo...

hypochondriac

I'm sorry to hear about your friend Someguy.

You've got me thinking now...is there any such thing as a permanent decision anyway? Most decisions have some kind of get out clause, nothing has to be permanent, you can always change things.

But then most people making a life changing decision probably have to see it as a forever kind of deal to make it work...marriage, quitting drinking/smoking etc...

I guess a lot of people are plagued with doubt and can't make decisions. It doesn't sound like you are. It sounds like you are taking control of your own life. Not knowing what you'll be doing in a few years time isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's all part of living in the moment.

Glad you're keeping a thread going x

Someguy23

I agree with you there, but hastily made permanent decisions tend to be short lived. There's a reason few people propose marriage a few seconds after meeting someone (well, maybe more than one reason).

This is why I preferred to have an update thread instead of joining the class of July. The people there made a lifelong commitment not to drink anymore, I'm not willing to commit to anything yet.

For now, I rather like it.

I'm a lot more relaxed since I've stopped drinking to relax (funny that). I've also started getting back into shape. I wasn't too far gone but I'm a beer drinker and a hungry drunk, which resulted in a little pot belly and some budding man-breasts. Nice to see them losing ground.

I'm a bit worried about sunday though, I mentioned there's some friends of mine out here, well they leave monday and they want to go to a bar before they leave. It's been too easy so far, the only times I've even wanted a drink were in a bar with a pitcher in front of me and after getting very bad news. Anyway, I said I'd take it day by day...

Someguy23

I was worried with good reason as it turns out...

We didn't go out to bars but we had dinner and then we went to their hotel room to hang out a little before they left. They opened a bottle of wine and I felt a little silly saying I wouldn't have any, no one ever got drunk from a third of a bottle, so we split it three ways.

For what it's worth, it was a nice little wine. I'm not a wine drinker, and prefer dry reds anyway, but as far as semi-sweet whites go I rather liked it.

I'm not excessively bummed about it, I didn't get drunk, didn't lose control, didn't want more and won't drink today... but I'd still have preferred not to have had any.

I did briefly entertain the thought of stopping by at a bar on the way back for a beer or a shot of vodka (I'm a beer&vodka man) but didn't feel like it and the thought went away quickly.

Anyway, my social calendar is empty till late august now so that should give me plenty of time without much temptation. Just wanted this on record.

Someguy23

I just finished the last of my smokes (I payed good money for them so at least I'll use them).

I'm not buying more so I'm back on the wagon for that as well.

aeo1313

Looks like we are both in a similar place of confused.

Someguy23

I think we're the babies of this forum, the ones who never realized our potential as drunks, never wound up in jail or hospital because of booze (though I did all I could to make it happen, I was prone to reckless and/or aggressive behaviour when drunk).

It's bound to create more confusion, plenty of that in this thread and all my other ones for sure, but I think there's some up sides to it as well

Personally, I'm finding I like myself a lot better when I'm not drinking. There's only so many times you can make an ass of yourself, or needlessly put yourself in danger, or just knowingly erode your health and reputation... and still keep your self-respect.

I had run almost completely out. I hate posting emo bs but the truth is I knew perfectly well what I was doing to myself and what I was becoming, and I was liking myself less and less each time I'd get drunk. I wasn't depressed or anything like that, but I think I was wearing myself down.

In any case, I've had a good week. No drinking or sipping or anything else. I've splurged on a new kettle, it was 20$... but that's what, 1.5 12-packs on sale? I can afford it. I spent the day walking around NY, there's so much to see: girls... probably other stuff as well, wasn't paying attention...

For tonight, I'm making some tea, eating pizza and watching a dumb horror movie. Hope next week will be good as well.

aeo1313

I agree- I could have been a much better drunk! I'm serious...I can see where I was headed and I can't help but wonder what would have happened. I hate the "what if" game bc this isn't a game. I have 2 kids and it's not fair to them to experiment with my drinking to see if I can handle it again.

Last night I was seriously thinking of drinking. Two years agao that would have meant having a beer at the restraunt where I work after my shift. Last night I wanted a vodka soda in a kid cup during my shift. That's not "social" drinking. Went over to my neighbor's after work who had a bonfire and he offered me a beer but I said no. I didn't want one stupid beer...I wanted a 12 pack sitting next to me. I know in my heart I have passed the "normal" drinking stage but it's so hard to admit this to myself.

Someguy23

Having two kids is a very good reason not to drink aeo. Also, congratulations on them.

I've had the chance to have very good parents and they're part of why I don't really want to drink anymore. I know they'd expect more from me.

Someguy23

I had a bit of insomnia last night and, among other things, I thought over this thing with alcohol. To be honest, I have no idea if I'm an alcoholic or just an idiot who drank too much for awhile (yes, I know those two options aren't mutually exclusive). I don't think it matters though.

What matters is that drinking heavily wasn't making me happy. I'm starting to realize it was quite the opposite. Is abstaining from alcohol going to be a better lifestyle for me? I don't know, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

I binge drank for about two years before accepting it's not working out for me, so it's only fair to give sobriety the same chance. So, I'm in for two years, starting as it is from August 2012. I figure by August 2014, I'll be able to make an informed decision about what is best for me.

My plan is, as before, to take it day by day. Not drinking+updating on SR will be my program. I don't believe I need more for now.

If I have a slip, I'll report it here. By a slip, I mean an incident like two sundays ago when I had a drink in a social setting, but no more than one and no drinking in the two weeks since. I really hope it won't happen much, but it's not a big deal.

If I binge drink or start having regular "slips", I'll consider it a relapse and take more drastic action. Maybe I'll try AA.

As for what happens two years for now, it strikes me as ridiculous to make a decision about that considering I could get run over by a truck tomorrow morning. I'm comfortable with this decision and I think I can do it, so let's rock and roll.

As for this week, it was fine. Thesis work not going too well, probably the reason for the insomnia, but that is neither here nor now. Hope everyone else had a good week.

Someguy23

I haven't updated this thread in a long while.

I just realized that this: was exactly one month ago today.

So that makes it one month since my last drink. Also, one month and 17 days since I last got drunk and during which time I had exactly one glass of wine. If I'd realized earlier, I would have ordered pizza.

It's been pretty smooth sailing so far. I think the hard part from now on will be remaining resolved and motivated. I'm already getting the "see, it wasn't so bad" thoughts quite often.

On a completely unrelated note, irish breakfast and linden leaves make for the best relaxation tea ever.