Sudz No More

Alcohol wins again. Does every time, I can't beat it. I go headstrong each time and I always lose. I come in here and spout all my great happy thoughts like I am gonna save the world. It is like I am possessed at that moment when it comes. Nothing gets in my way, nothing.

I am lost. I wish I could stop but I just keeping doing it

I know this much, I am tired of coming here and making uplifting posts that I hope will help others when I can't do it for myself. Sucks

I was thinking today about scheduling a Doctor's visit to discuss things I can do. Whether it be AVRT or some prescribed medications but it is clear I cannot do this alone.

Dee74

I thought a lot of things when I was trying to get sober Sudz...

but in the end to get better thinking musing and planning weren't enough for me - I had to take action - I had to get help and I had to make real changes and move out of my comfort zone.

Sounds like you might be there at that point too

It's not nice getting to there - but I got better when I did.

tjhook

The fact that you keep coming here with uplifting posts is a good thing...shows you want to help yourself/others. Visiting the Dr in not a bad idea, but I would be careful with the medication thing.

bloss

Sounds familiar, everytime I'd be so positive I was done with it. Then, I drank again, and again. Hope you find what works for you to be done with it for good. I think anytime someone posts and trys to be helpful it is a great thing, thanks for doing so. I also hope you keep on posting and let everyone know how it's going. Be waiting to hear more from you, take care

OklaBH

Sudz, You are a good guy. Those positive posts are you. I love anything inspiring/uplifting and what your share helps me and many others.

This today..is not you. Alcohol is trying to steal your joy again.

I agree 100% you should goto the Dr. We all need a check-up form time to time

Sharing your struggle only shows you are getting stronger my friend!

Sudz No More

Thank You OklaBH, I just hate being a hypocrite. This whole Alcoholism thing is tearing me up inside. On my sober side, I so want to stay that way. That is the guy that comes here upbeat. I just can't stop the voice inside my head and I fear it is worse than that. There are times when I get euphoric thinking about it. I start to sweat and my pulse goes up, once the thought is in play I almost get a fever. Afterwards, I have nightmares of how I gave in to it and how I savored it. Oh I am sick damn it makes me cry

Zencat

I can relate! Its like a twist of the mind that latches onto having a drink and every counter thought to drinking that can come up, takes a vacation.

I'm practicing STOP THOUGHT. I'm being very attentive to any drinking thought that pops into my head and putting a stop to them right away.

Seeing a doctor is a wise move. There is non-habit forming medications that can reduce urges to drink.

ru12

Suds, it seems that you really want to stop drinking, but you give in to the cravings. Listen, cravings just are. You won't die from one. And they only last for a few minutes at a time. I'm not making light of this. I know how hard it is to not give in. Try stop thought. Try distraction. Heck, try profanity! I sometimes I would call my AV and its cravings all kinds of foul names. Somehow it made me feel better in the moment and got me past the craving.

You are not a hypocrite. You want to stop and you are trying. You are one of the valiant ones as you keep getting up even when alcohol kicks you in the teeth. You will get this.

Hevyn

Sudz - I was that way for many years, until I finally admitted I had no control. All my 'one or two's' turned into a 30-pack. I was a complete slave to it, and dangerous things happened every time I picked up. I was so tired of trying to control what I drank - it was no longer fun, just misery.

It sounds like you're getting nothing out of it any more. The relief you'll feel when you're finally free of it will be amazing. You don't need it the way you think you do - and life will be so much brighter when it's part of your past. You can do it, Sudz - sounds like you're fed up, and ready to try again. We're with you.

RobbyRobot

I'm saddened to hear this, Sudz. No upside to being drunk, as we all know, and its a hurting season when any of us pick up and get ourselves lost again. You know, Sudz, I could never beat my war against alcoholism either, and like you, I always lost. Just want you to know that losing the war is not the final play in the game. We still have a play to make. It means we take our experience with losing the war to winning the day by simply surrendering to the obvious: drinking gets us drunk sooner or later no if's, and's, or but's about it. Alcoholics drink to get drunk.

For me, I had to look at being drunk, and not just at drinking. Drinking was not my trouble, you see, because being drunk was really my go-to-solution, until it wasn't. I drank to be drunk was the truth behind my drinking.

Of course, when being drunk didn't work, and being un-drunk didn't work, the game was up, and the writing was on the wall. Existing between drunks was the worse.

I finally quit and stayed quit when I couldn't of cared less what sobriety was or wasn't, I just didn't want to die drunk, and I kept this ideal alive by surrendering to the fact that alcoholics drink to get drunk, and eventually, potentially, unfortunately, drunk alcoholics die drunk.

I turned it all around with that simple understanding of surrender to my inevitable alcoholism. Forget drinking. Forget sobriety. Think about being drunk and never being sober and dying drunk. It sobered me up enough to eventually care about being sober, not just want to care, but really care. It took real time in surrender mode sans-alcohol for me to heal enough to really care, you know? I was very sick and lost too. A real hot mess.

I know its popular to make the drink the problem, and make early sobriety the everything answer, but that was not my experience. I surrendered to my drunken alcoholism, and the more I did, the more I understood the many choices and paths before me to choose my journey into sobriety and a life of living sans-alcohol.

I could never make the choice from a positive place, and then try to live up to my choice. I always failed. When I accepted my failures, and from that place of failure, honestly review my many choices, I now have unlimited success never ending. You can too.

Many ways work, so choices are important. Its like anything else with choices, we sometimes make wrong choices. You have a new opportunity to make some correct choices, Sudz.

I have every hope for you, and wish you every success. You're a good man, Sudz, for sharing what you have shared. Good on you.

foodie1

You're not a hypocrite Sudz, you're an alcoholic, nothing wrong with that!! Your positive posts are reflections of where you are in that moment, and have probably helped more people than you know.

It sounds like you've been battling this on your own, pure willpower, so far. I only lasted 2 weeks that way, I don't know about you but I needed support, understanding, somewhere to go where I felt I belonged and a way to deal with life's ups and downs that didn't lead me back to the bottle. Personally I found that all in AA. Whichever path to recovery you take, imho, help along the way is instrumental.

Hang in there Sudz, this too shall pass!!

neferkamichael

It hasn't made me happy to be sober, but I'm better off financial and my health is good. Being sober will give me the time to accomplish some dreams I have if I would get off my procrastinaing arse and get started.

Tyl3r

I don't think any one else has commented on a particular part of your post, which was consulting your doctor. I found that to be a good decision, and I was lucky enough to find a doctor who is understands the alcoholic condition. When I had a relapse the doc was understanding and helped with some additional options beyond what we had initially discussed.

I still have lingering fears about being "diagnosed" on paper as alcohol dependent or creating documentation of alcohol abuse, but in expressing those fears my doctor and my (referred) therapist were able to tailor my care to help me get the help I needed.

There's a wide spectrum of pharmacological and psychological tools available that qualified professionals can help you find. The phone book has several entries for addiction specialists who can help or provide a referral.

SSIL75

Sudz when you have one you hand the steering wheel to the alcohol. You KNOW this. You can wrestle it back but can you do it before you crash?

So happy you are reaching out for help. You have a lot of support here!

lifewithoutbooz

[QUOTE=Sudz No More]I know this much, I am tired of coming here and making uplifting posts that I hope will help others when I can't do it for myself. Sucks[QUOTE]

I felt the same way last week. Writing all these positive posts and then not following my own advice. I guess as long as we want to quit, there will always be hope for us. NOT wanting to quit would be scary.

TheEnd

If you can't, then you won't do it.....If you think you can, then you will do it....Never give up hope!!

MetalChick

Sudz,

I get that excited feeling thinking about buying some beer, but it is followed by the sick feelings and thoughts about the bad stuff that happens almost every time I drink, an how bad I feel about myself. That is what is keeping me going right now.

I was thinking about what you said about alcohol winning every time, and it doesn't seem true. Aren't there a lot of times when you got all excited about stopping on the way home from work to buy alcohol and did not?

I don't know about you, or how this works for most people, but i think it is better that you have some set backs then to go full blown and give up.

And...

I am new to giving up drinking, so i can't say what all the phases are that a person goes through with regards to staying sober over a long period of time, but I know when I finally quit smoking (4 years now) I had quit before around 50 times. I still can't say i will never smoke again, but I am not going to beet myself up if I ever have a cig. I now that is different, but I think there are some similarities.

About being a hypocrite Aren't we all? At least you care about that, and are not full of yourself.

I like you Sudz, and glad you are here(well, not glad, but you know what I mean)

Take care

AB1111

Sudz,
Have you noticed how many alcoholics you have helped stay sober today by sharing your experience? Just curious. Hang in there brother.

AWOL

Sudz
I've also had that feeling of being unable to stop the cycle. It's like being in a washing machine, and there's no way to turn it off because you're inside! Two important people, both doctors, helped me stop the cycle: They both told me I was an end-stage alcoholic who had an excellent chance of developing cirrhosis of the liver and esophegeal varices, both of which can be the prelude to an early death. My addiction doctor was totally up front with me and didn't spare the gory details of both conditions. I mention this only because researching these subjects and reading Under the Influence did, in fact, convince me that I needed to break the cycle and that I could. It made me want to be sober more than I wanted another drink. I think if you want sobriety strong enough you can become sober. All the best.

FBL

Sudz, I can't count the number of times I tried to quit over nearly 30 years of drinking. I always found an excuse to go back and everytime it got worse and worse until I finally ended up in the emergency room, questioning my own sanity. That was finally the wake-up call I needed to get and stay sober. No amount of lectures from friends and family, no amount of self-loathing, nothing made me stop until I was ready. That was a little over three years ago and I've never been happier since that fateful day. You CAN do this!