I have to get away from him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I have to get away from him
Sorry for the early morning rant. I have been with my husband over 10 years. We both drink. He knows Im working on recovery. However he continues to drink. When I am at my weakest is when (I swear) he will walk in with a 30 pack of cold beer. He isnt going to quit. Trust me whe have had several talks about it. He says he isnt bad like me. Also he is working 6 days a week now (12 hour shifts) He only has Sunday off and he isnt going to put up with me dictating his one day off. I know my drinking problem isnt his fault. Im not trying to blame him for my problem. However I can only read/attend meetings/ read/attend meetings so much. Eventually with him getting wasted in front of my every single day Im going to go back to abusing again. Its like being allergic to the sun and living on the equator. Yesterday he was bitching at me about the same old stuff. I told him "you would be suprised at how much of those problems go away when you quit drinking" An hour later he came in with a 30 pack.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
There's a lot of people here who live with spouses who drink B - it's hard for sure...but it needn't a dealbreaker.
There are drinkers everywhere - we have to learn to live with that.
Only you know the situation and the people involved, but I always give the advice not to make any sudden moves in recovery - not until you know who sober you is.
Give it some thought - a lot of thought - 10 years is a long time...it deserves some careful and patient deliberation I think
D
There are drinkers everywhere - we have to learn to live with that.
Only you know the situation and the people involved, but I always give the advice not to make any sudden moves in recovery - not until you know who sober you is.
Give it some thought - a lot of thought - 10 years is a long time...it deserves some careful and patient deliberation I think
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
You know if you beat it while he continues on i can assure you it'll only make you stronger. You cant make his habit your crutch it sounds like you realize that already. Dont let it get to you or hinder your progress.
Relationships are tough we have a tendancy to be really good at being a team sharing the good and the bad that when it comes time to focus on ourselves as individuals we are to the point of being dependant on the other in order to solve problems. We almost need both we need to be able to work well with the partner shareing everything even being dependant when needed but we also need the ability to easily focus on ourselves as individuals. If half an apple rots the whole thing will rot. But if we in relationships can keep ourselves healthy since we do share with the other half its possible we can be beneficial to them as well. I dont advocate going into the quiting thing only if you can do it together etc. its irrelevant its a nice idea but bears little significance in the end. He'll quit when he's good and ready just as you will. Hang in there.
Relationships are tough we have a tendancy to be really good at being a team sharing the good and the bad that when it comes time to focus on ourselves as individuals we are to the point of being dependant on the other in order to solve problems. We almost need both we need to be able to work well with the partner shareing everything even being dependant when needed but we also need the ability to easily focus on ourselves as individuals. If half an apple rots the whole thing will rot. But if we in relationships can keep ourselves healthy since we do share with the other half its possible we can be beneficial to them as well. I dont advocate going into the quiting thing only if you can do it together etc. its irrelevant its a nice idea but bears little significance in the end. He'll quit when he's good and ready just as you will. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 690
[QUOTE=zjw;3480843]You know if you beat it while he continues on i can assure you it'll only make you stronger. You cant make his habit your crutch it sounds like you realize that already. Dont let it get to you or hinder your progress.
.[QUOTE]
That is some good advice right there! Keep those thoughts in your mind when you are having a rough time. I know I will!
.[QUOTE]
That is some good advice right there! Keep those thoughts in your mind when you are having a rough time. I know I will!
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I am just focusing on my side of the street, everything else will fall into place. I can't allow others to dictate what I am going to say or do. I just let others be who they want, keep up my connection with my Higher Power, and hopefully it will work out for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
You can lead a horse to water...
My wife drinks. I think she looks great but she wants to lose weight and she doesn't sleep well. Of course we all know that quitting drinking would make these non issues but bringing that up twice is a recipe for disaster. Most of my drinking buddies are the same way. I just try to stay sober and set an example.
I think ZJW is right about it making you stronger to not drink around drinking people. I just make sure to leave myself an exit strategy, not really because I'm worried about taking a drink as much as to avoid too much time in "drunk world".
My wife drinks. I think she looks great but she wants to lose weight and she doesn't sleep well. Of course we all know that quitting drinking would make these non issues but bringing that up twice is a recipe for disaster. Most of my drinking buddies are the same way. I just try to stay sober and set an example.
I think ZJW is right about it making you stronger to not drink around drinking people. I just make sure to leave myself an exit strategy, not really because I'm worried about taking a drink as much as to avoid too much time in "drunk world".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Sadly I havent developed the tough skin others have. Some divine intervention came through today. He isnt drinking tonight & there is beer in the fridge. On top of that its over 100 degrees outside and our air conditioner is broke.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
okla, i am sorry to hear ya goin through this. now i'm gonna ask a few questions( you may already know what they are gonna be):
1) where's yer God in all this?
2) whats yer sponsor gotta say about this?
3) have ya read the chapters "to wives" and " the family afterwards"
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know its me.
when i got into recovery, i decided i wanted what them people in AA had. the man who was my 1st sponsor told me," if you want what we have you'll follow in our footsteps, being careful not to trip over the ones who fall by the wayside, and some of them are very close to us."
prayers yer way tonight my friend!
1) where's yer God in all this?
2) whats yer sponsor gotta say about this?
3) have ya read the chapters "to wives" and " the family afterwards"
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know its me.
when i got into recovery, i decided i wanted what them people in AA had. the man who was my 1st sponsor told me," if you want what we have you'll follow in our footsteps, being careful not to trip over the ones who fall by the wayside, and some of them are very close to us."
prayers yer way tonight my friend!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
hi OklaBH!
I cannot design your plan, only my own. This is what I do. I have 2 roommates who drink - and they keep it in the house. I also serve alcohol at work. So, its all around me. I literally look at it differently now. I picture the label as if it says Clorox or some type of liquid that I would unclog the toilet with. I have no business drinking toilet cleaner or bleach - blech! I imagine a time when I did drink this poison, and remember the terrible effects - it makes me sick to my stomach to think of my reaction to this crap! And, I do not drink it nor want it anymore. Its a simple program that works for me.
Good luck to you, keep us all posted!
I cannot design your plan, only my own. This is what I do. I have 2 roommates who drink - and they keep it in the house. I also serve alcohol at work. So, its all around me. I literally look at it differently now. I picture the label as if it says Clorox or some type of liquid that I would unclog the toilet with. I have no business drinking toilet cleaner or bleach - blech! I imagine a time when I did drink this poison, and remember the terrible effects - it makes me sick to my stomach to think of my reaction to this crap! And, I do not drink it nor want it anymore. Its a simple program that works for me.
Good luck to you, keep us all posted!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Quote tomsteve:
1) where's yer God in all this? hmmm obviously right beside me or i would be locked up somewhere by now
2) whats yer sponsor gotta say about this? no sponsor tom. 1st said it wasnt working, 2nd one(she was temporary) is in a salvation army in Okla City (i really liked her I wonder if she got out) and 3rd and one of the most awesome people I have ever met wont do it again. She said "it didnt work the 1st time we arent trying it again" The right one will come along. I did ask one girl. Shes about my age and has it down. She is sponsoring to many right now so had to say no. It will happen.
3) have ya read the chapters "to wives" and " the family afterwards"--yes in Big Book study several times. Will read it again. That is a good idea my friend.
1) where's yer God in all this? hmmm obviously right beside me or i would be locked up somewhere by now
2) whats yer sponsor gotta say about this? no sponsor tom. 1st said it wasnt working, 2nd one(she was temporary) is in a salvation army in Okla City (i really liked her I wonder if she got out) and 3rd and one of the most awesome people I have ever met wont do it again. She said "it didnt work the 1st time we arent trying it again" The right one will come along. I did ask one girl. Shes about my age and has it down. She is sponsoring to many right now so had to say no. It will happen.
3) have ya read the chapters "to wives" and " the family afterwards"--yes in Big Book study several times. Will read it again. That is a good idea my friend.
nooooowwww, ya know that was only a joke.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
Hey Oak! My husband drinks and I used that as an excuse for far too long. Not saying that you are, but I did. It is disturbing for me to see him drink more than two beers a night, but that is because I know where that took me. DON'T monitor his drinking, that is not good for us.
If you really want to be sober, you wil be so in spite of everything.
Keep working your program and sharing here and you will be okay.
If you really want to be sober, you wil be so in spite of everything.
Keep working your program and sharing here and you will be okay.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I was worried for me that a few friends that i have who also have drinking problems would no longer wanna deal with me. Or that i'd find there habits so repulsive or tempting that i'd want to steer clear of them.
In my case they tend to play down there habit now to me. I used to hear stuff like "hahah i was so drunk i drank 23982 cases hahahhaha" now i hear "i have my habit under control i only have a couple a night etc.."
We get along just the same now as we did then. I'm not tempted and I find these people just as enjoyable. I can still tell when they've had a bit too many and i'm in conversation with them and there sluring and repeating themselves etc.. (and it reminds me of stuff i did) but it also doesnt bother me. I smile i'm nice I'm supportive of them I dont preach. they know I'm doing AA and about my successes. But I dont want to alienate them.
The point is I appreciate there friendship and companionship above all else. I dont let there habit bother me. I have to remember i was once a drunk too i'm not a whole lot better then they are I just happen to have it in check right now. I'm not preaching. I guess I'm setting an example for them and showing them it can be done. I do hope one day they come to me and say hey I'd like to quit can you help me? But until then I'm not going to let it get to me or put them down over it.
In my case they tend to play down there habit now to me. I used to hear stuff like "hahah i was so drunk i drank 23982 cases hahahhaha" now i hear "i have my habit under control i only have a couple a night etc.."
We get along just the same now as we did then. I'm not tempted and I find these people just as enjoyable. I can still tell when they've had a bit too many and i'm in conversation with them and there sluring and repeating themselves etc.. (and it reminds me of stuff i did) but it also doesnt bother me. I smile i'm nice I'm supportive of them I dont preach. they know I'm doing AA and about my successes. But I dont want to alienate them.
The point is I appreciate there friendship and companionship above all else. I dont let there habit bother me. I have to remember i was once a drunk too i'm not a whole lot better then they are I just happen to have it in check right now. I'm not preaching. I guess I'm setting an example for them and showing them it can be done. I do hope one day they come to me and say hey I'd like to quit can you help me? But until then I'm not going to let it get to me or put them down over it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 248
Okla- My long-term BF also drinks. He is a functional alcoholic for sure - binge drinks 1-3 times a week. I used to crave it, but now I only feel disgust when he drinks. Most people act like idiots when they are drunk and he is no exception. I just avoid him when he is drinking. It isn't a perfect solution, but we have been together on and off for 19 years, so it is a lot to think about - just like your situation.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Okla, my husband is an active alcoholic and believe me, I understand how hard it is to stay sober around someone who still drinks. But the truth is ... it's not our problem. Our only concern is to keep ourselves sober. Nobody could get us sober and nobody could get us drunk either ... that was our responsibility alone. It's the same for the ones we love. Try to remember where you used to be when you were drinking ... nobody could tell you to stop, nobody could influence you ... if you wanted to drink, you were going to drink no matter what anybody did/said, right?
The thing is, once we get sober, we expect our alcoholic SO's to do the same, and it just doesn't work that way. They have to find their own path just as we did. I admit, I get really ticked when my husband leaves his liquor lying around in plain sight of me; it's a temptation that I really don't need. But what I do about it is on ME, not him. Our sobriety is our own responsibility, not theirs. It definitely makes having a sober life a LOT more difficult having another active alky around, but we can do it. We used to be where they are ... they haven't gotten to where we are yet, so we have to have tolerance and compassion, not judgment. I know for myself that when someone got in my face about my drinking, I pushed them away and only drank more. All we can do is hope and pray that they will find their way to a better, sober life too.
Just keep your focus on YOU no matter what he does. Your sobriety is not dependent on anyone but you. You might want to check out the Friends and Family section of SR ... it has helped me a lot. Hang in there and whatever you do, don't let his drinking make YOU want to drink.
The thing is, once we get sober, we expect our alcoholic SO's to do the same, and it just doesn't work that way. They have to find their own path just as we did. I admit, I get really ticked when my husband leaves his liquor lying around in plain sight of me; it's a temptation that I really don't need. But what I do about it is on ME, not him. Our sobriety is our own responsibility, not theirs. It definitely makes having a sober life a LOT more difficult having another active alky around, but we can do it. We used to be where they are ... they haven't gotten to where we are yet, so we have to have tolerance and compassion, not judgment. I know for myself that when someone got in my face about my drinking, I pushed them away and only drank more. All we can do is hope and pray that they will find their way to a better, sober life too.
Just keep your focus on YOU no matter what he does. Your sobriety is not dependent on anyone but you. You might want to check out the Friends and Family section of SR ... it has helped me a lot. Hang in there and whatever you do, don't let his drinking make YOU want to drink.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
