Very emotional today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 27
Very emotional today
I have not drank since yesterday at 5am (why in the world would I get out of bed at 5 in the morning and drink the rest of my bottle of wine?).
I am going to give this my best effort. I can't do this to myself and my family anymore. I am feeling very sad. I am sad because I am deeply embarrassed, ashamed, and pretty humiliated. I cannot believe how bad I let myself get. I have lost so much precious time of my life to booze. I cannot go on wasted anymore. That Carrie Underwood song is playing in my head constantly. Maybe I am sad too because I am saying goodbye to my oldest pal alcohol. I am mostly sad about the time I will never get back. The times that are lost in a blackout forever. Half of my life is over and half of it has been spent wasted.
So...I know this is the best decision that I have ever made. I am scared though and feel very alone. I know everyone will tell me to go to AA. I am sure that is what I need to do.
How do you ever stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself for all the rotten, stupid, ridiculous, insane things you have said and done?
Part of me wants to crawl under a rock.
I am glad I found SR.
I am going to give this my best effort. I can't do this to myself and my family anymore. I am feeling very sad. I am sad because I am deeply embarrassed, ashamed, and pretty humiliated. I cannot believe how bad I let myself get. I have lost so much precious time of my life to booze. I cannot go on wasted anymore. That Carrie Underwood song is playing in my head constantly. Maybe I am sad too because I am saying goodbye to my oldest pal alcohol. I am mostly sad about the time I will never get back. The times that are lost in a blackout forever. Half of my life is over and half of it has been spent wasted.
So...I know this is the best decision that I have ever made. I am scared though and feel very alone. I know everyone will tell me to go to AA. I am sure that is what I need to do.
How do you ever stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself for all the rotten, stupid, ridiculous, insane things you have said and done?
Part of me wants to crawl under a rock.
I am glad I found SR.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Welcome, KatMitch. 
You aren't telling us anything we haven't heard before. And most, if not all of us, have been exactly where you are today. You're in the right place for support and understanding.
You don't HAVE to go to AA, but it has helped many of us. It is definitely worth a try. If you don't believe it is for you, there are other ways ... AVRT, SMART recovery, etc. You can check those out on the Secular methods on this site. What matters is that you do SOMETHING. Getting sober without a program can be done, but it's hard. It's wise to find and utilize tools that can help you during those tough early days.
As far as beating yourself up ... I did the same until I realized that my drinking was much more complicated than just making poor choices and being "stupid." Alcohol has a way of making us feel terrible about ourselves. Yes, we do horrible things when we're drunk but we are also in the throes of an addiction that wants us not only to do those horrible things, but it also wants us DEAD in the end. Worse, it makes us think that we can't live without it. But we can. And we do. There are many, many examples of that here on SR. And I think every one of them will tell you that there IS hope, there IS recovery, and there IS a better way to live. And that it IS possible to attain it.
We are so very glad you're here. Support is a huge part of recovery, and you will definitely find that here.
You aren't telling us anything we haven't heard before. And most, if not all of us, have been exactly where you are today. You're in the right place for support and understanding.
You don't HAVE to go to AA, but it has helped many of us. It is definitely worth a try. If you don't believe it is for you, there are other ways ... AVRT, SMART recovery, etc. You can check those out on the Secular methods on this site. What matters is that you do SOMETHING. Getting sober without a program can be done, but it's hard. It's wise to find and utilize tools that can help you during those tough early days.
As far as beating yourself up ... I did the same until I realized that my drinking was much more complicated than just making poor choices and being "stupid." Alcohol has a way of making us feel terrible about ourselves. Yes, we do horrible things when we're drunk but we are also in the throes of an addiction that wants us not only to do those horrible things, but it also wants us DEAD in the end. Worse, it makes us think that we can't live without it. But we can. And we do. There are many, many examples of that here on SR. And I think every one of them will tell you that there IS hope, there IS recovery, and there IS a better way to live. And that it IS possible to attain it.
We are so very glad you're here. Support is a huge part of recovery, and you will definitely find that here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
I'm glad you are here! Welcome! Today is a new day for you. Today you are better! As a family member of a few alcoholics, I can tell you, everyone understand what you have been dealing with and will only be so grateful that you are getting help. Not angry, just grateful for a chance to have the real you back in their lives.
Would you feel shame if you knew that you had acted badly because of a diabetic coma? Or because of a bout of mental illness like schizophrenia or something like that? It's really the same with alcoholism. It is a terrible disease that causes those suffering from it to act in the same, predictable, and terrible ways.
You are in the right place. And please don't be afraid of AA. I've gone to some AA meetings with friends, as well as tons of Al-anon and Ala-teen meetings, and they are full of loving, caring, friendly, real people. Most likely you will find friends there that will be your friends for life.
I've seen AA do miracles for people. My grandmother got and stayed sober for decades, for the rest of her life in fact, and my godmother has decades of sobriety under her belt now too due to AA.
She told me she thanked her higher power every single day that she never had to go back to the hell on earth that active alcholism is.
I wish you escape from that hell on earth, and better times in your future.
Welcome! You can do this!
Would you feel shame if you knew that you had acted badly because of a diabetic coma? Or because of a bout of mental illness like schizophrenia or something like that? It's really the same with alcoholism. It is a terrible disease that causes those suffering from it to act in the same, predictable, and terrible ways.
You are in the right place. And please don't be afraid of AA. I've gone to some AA meetings with friends, as well as tons of Al-anon and Ala-teen meetings, and they are full of loving, caring, friendly, real people. Most likely you will find friends there that will be your friends for life.
I've seen AA do miracles for people. My grandmother got and stayed sober for decades, for the rest of her life in fact, and my godmother has decades of sobriety under her belt now too due to AA.
She told me she thanked her higher power every single day that she never had to go back to the hell on earth that active alcholism is.
I wish you escape from that hell on earth, and better times in your future.
Welcome! You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Dear Kat, the thing that helped me to go forward is counting. One hour, one day. I measured my progress by how far away from the alcohol I was getting. I still do. For me, time helps so much. And each day working on healthy ways to deal with emotions and anxiety. Changing routines and habits. Gaining new ones that are more enjoyable. Think about what you are gaining. Think about what you like. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
You start building a better life for yourself by staying sober and building memories you can be proud of. I remember asking the same exact questions you did in early recovery. I felt such shame and guilt. The longer I stayed sober the less those memories hurt me. It's not me anymore...now that I have my pride and dignity back. You can do this KatMitch, put your heart and soul into your sobriety. You will find tons of support here.
Best Wishes To You!
Best Wishes To You!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 27
Thank You all. Yes, pride and dignity. I am glad you said that. I am a proud person by nature and wine has stripped that from me. How can a falling down drunk be proud?
I am sure I will go to a meeting. I am not against it in anyway. Just have the feeling I need to "keep this a secret". I went 3 years ago to a few, and the people were very nice. I need to find a friend anyway. I really don't have any because then they would know I'm just a drunk and not want to hang out with me. Now I can be a better friend to someone. Thank You.
I am sure I will go to a meeting. I am not against it in anyway. Just have the feeling I need to "keep this a secret". I went 3 years ago to a few, and the people were very nice. I need to find a friend anyway. I really don't have any because then they would know I'm just a drunk and not want to hang out with me. Now I can be a better friend to someone. Thank You.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I hope your de tox runs smoothly please don't hesitate to call
your doctor or get other professional help if you get scared.
For emotional balance prayer helps me immensley.
Try this one .....
This can be the last time you have to de tox..drink a lot of
water...Gateraide and juices are also good for flushing out toxins.
All my best as you move forward....
your doctor or get other professional help if you get scared.
For emotional balance prayer helps me immensley.
Try this one .....
The Serenity Prayer
.God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
.God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
This can be the last time you have to de tox..drink a lot of
water...Gateraide and juices are also good for flushing out toxins.
All my best as you move forward....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Kat, stay the course. It will feel better, and even that shame with lift.
I hated myself more than I can describe in the rare moments I was not drunk off my azz... so so guilty and ashamed and embarrassed.
But just a few days into not drinking, those feelings are easing off ... in fact, I have moments of feeling good that I am not repeating my drunken mistakes on the same endless loop.
best wishes
I hated myself more than I can describe in the rare moments I was not drunk off my azz... so so guilty and ashamed and embarrassed.
But just a few days into not drinking, those feelings are easing off ... in fact, I have moments of feeling good that I am not repeating my drunken mistakes on the same endless loop.
best wishes
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
another northern michigander here, but still a troll. in the last 7 years, i have been to AA meetings everywhere from about houghton lake on the south up to mackinac, tawas,oscoda, and alpena on the east over to petosky, TC and ludington on the west. great meetings everywhere in between and great people.
i walked in to my 1st meeting worthless, useless, hopeless, disgusted with me. now i have worth, use, hope, and dont hate myself. its a great way to live.
i walked in to my 1st meeting worthless, useless, hopeless, disgusted with me. now i have worth, use, hope, and dont hate myself. its a great way to live.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by KatMitch 
I know everyone will tell me to go to AA. I am sure that is what I need to do.
Some will tell you that you can do this without going to AA and I wish you the best if you try.. but I think you hit the nail on the head in your post.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
Kat, I am wishing for some peace for you. I am still deeply ashamed of things I did drunk (like lose jobs) and I have had many relapses. I feel at peace with the fact that I can't drink. Today is day 36
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Today marks the beginning of a great new chapter in your life. Don't worry, be happy
This revelation you have had to yourself is an awesome start. Don't let yourself feel down about your past, look to your future sober and how great it can be.
This revelation you have had to yourself is an awesome start. Don't let yourself feel down about your past, look to your future sober and how great it can be.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Welcome to SR, Kat.
How do I stop beating myself up about stuff I did while I was drinking? Part of it is realising that me feeling guilty doesn't do anyone any good. It doesn't solve anything.
The people I've hurt, I'll try to make amends to where I can. Where I can't, because I don't have contact with them anymore... well. What can I do except put it behind me and move on.
The other thing was that no matter how I felt about me when I was sober, I always liked me when I was drunk. The fact that I was a much nicer, calmer, happier person when I was drunk didn't stop me doing stupid things, but being drunk stopped me worrying about them. Of course, when I sobered up... Bit of a vicious circle that.
You're in the right place. From here on, things will get better. It won't all be fluffy pink clouds, but it will get better. And don't forget, you're worth it.
How do I stop beating myself up about stuff I did while I was drinking? Part of it is realising that me feeling guilty doesn't do anyone any good. It doesn't solve anything.
The people I've hurt, I'll try to make amends to where I can. Where I can't, because I don't have contact with them anymore... well. What can I do except put it behind me and move on.
The other thing was that no matter how I felt about me when I was sober, I always liked me when I was drunk. The fact that I was a much nicer, calmer, happier person when I was drunk didn't stop me doing stupid things, but being drunk stopped me worrying about them. Of course, when I sobered up... Bit of a vicious circle that.
You're in the right place. From here on, things will get better. It won't all be fluffy pink clouds, but it will get better. And don't forget, you're worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 27
I am going to read all of these over and over. It makes me feel loved and cared about and supported. It gives me strength to get through another day. I am now into day 3.Thank You.
Kat
And....I am NOT hungover today and sick as a dog!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Welcome to SR!
Take a listen to these two people:
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
Your insight is wonderful! Today is a beautiful day to be sober!!
Glad you are here!
Take a listen to these two people:
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
Your insight is wonderful! Today is a beautiful day to be sober!!
Glad you are here!
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
If the writing of good fellow alcoholics can make you feel good, then imagine and I hope you will do more than just imagine, what men and women who know just what you are going through will be like face to face?
That is the AA I know and the one I walked into several years ago. I wish you the very best. It is out there you just have to want it badly enough and then do the work to get it!
Enjoy the trip,
Jon
That is the AA I know and the one I walked into several years ago. I wish you the very best. It is out there you just have to want it badly enough and then do the work to get it!
Enjoy the trip,
Jon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 27
I'm not hungover and into day 4! I went to a meeting yesterday and everyone was really nice. I bought Rational Recovery today and can't wait to get it in the mail.
I'm not sleeping well and am very irritable and emotional. I'm very tired from lack of sleep, but overall...I am doing pretty good!
Thanks everyone. I am on SR on and off day and night. Reading everyone's posts are a great help to me.
I'm not sleeping well and am very irritable and emotional. I'm very tired from lack of sleep, but overall...I am doing pretty good!
Thanks everyone. I am on SR on and off day and night. Reading everyone's posts are a great help to me.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Hey, KatMitch. Congratulations on your journey's progress so far. You must be so very pleased at how you have opened this door to the wonderful life that is waiting for you. Keep walking forward and through KatMitch.
I will not tell you that you can do this without AA, how the heck would I know? I will tell you that I did this without AA, and I did it by first deciding I would never drink again, and I would never change my mind.
Whichever way you choose to support yourself in your sobriety, make very sure about this. ANY program that you approach by saying, 'I'm going to give this a try' is doomed. You must approach this with a complete body and soul commitment and an iron clad determination to succeed.
As for the guilt and shame that are all too familiar, let that time go. Instead, focus on what you are doing and how you are feeling right now. You know that you never ever have to go back, you never have to feel that way again, you don't have to drink anymore now. You are off to a great start - stay the course!
I will not tell you that you can do this without AA, how the heck would I know? I will tell you that I did this without AA, and I did it by first deciding I would never drink again, and I would never change my mind.
Whichever way you choose to support yourself in your sobriety, make very sure about this. ANY program that you approach by saying, 'I'm going to give this a try' is doomed. You must approach this with a complete body and soul commitment and an iron clad determination to succeed.
As for the guilt and shame that are all too familiar, let that time go. Instead, focus on what you are doing and how you are feeling right now. You know that you never ever have to go back, you never have to feel that way again, you don't have to drink anymore now. You are off to a great start - stay the course!
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