bluelagune

I finished my last glass of cognac two hours ago! There are just so many things wrong with this: its still morning, it was a wine glass, most of this day is wasted, I feel like crap ... What is wrong with me? I've been trying to quit for some time now but instead my drinking turned into every other day habit. I am drowning myself in alcohol. I make excuses that I would cook with champagne but end up drinking the bottle within an hour. Last night bought a bottle of cognac "to relax" (always excuses) and it is now gone. I can't seem to stop. Seen a commercial for AA but I cannot join because I live in a small town and gossip travels like there is no tomorrow. That doesn't help because I am a very private person and any type of gossip just sends me to the bottle. Last week my coworker who I barely know send me an email with "angry drunk woman" jokes in reference to my last break up with a guy i told the meanest things to. It suppose to be a professional work place but everyone acts like a bunch of high school kids. I quit dressing nicely and don't wear any make up anymore because the jealousy from other women is killing me. I started keeping away from people and I have never been an antisocial before ... I gained 20lb since I started on this path of self distraction ... I'm scared I'll lose my job and end up going back to my parents house (I rather take a bullet) ... my stupid coworkers, my parents, no love life, weight gain .... I have lost control of my life.


Where do I start? What do I do? How do I regain control?

TheJungianThing

Sounds like you've already started.

What do you do ? Well I don't know. You seem content that the small town knows you're an angry drunk but yet somehow are afraid they'll find out you're working on not being an angry drunk by going to AA. I had a ton of excuses too before I went to AA. But going to AA and doing the AA program is what works for me. There are other ways, this place here is a great way to communicate with those who have incorporated them in their life. I've found that not taking that first drink has been extremely helpful in not getting drunk. So, avoid that first drink. AA, AVRT, S.M.A.R.T etc.. all appear to help one avoid that first drink. There's info and people willing to help right here. I can only speak from experience with AA. But prior to going to AA I tried a multitude of things.

How do you gain control ? Good question. Of what ?

2granddaughters

Well, I was going to suggest AA ......

Google and read AA's "How It Works" and "The Doctors Opinion", see if it rings a bell with you.

I find sobriety, sanity and serenity in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous but if you find that option more painful than where you are right now I wish you the best in your chosen program of recovery.

Bob R

tomsteve

welcome!! what worked for me was desperation.i was either getting help from others who have been where i was or kill myself. i hated myself, hated my life, was useless andworthless and the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality. i dodnt care what anyone in this small town i live in thought. i couldnt take it anymore and if AA didnt help, i was gonna kill myself.
that was a lil over 7 years ago. it started with making a decision i wanted what the people at the meetings of AA had and i was willing to go to any length to get it.

i am no longer useless,worthless, or suicidal. life has new meaning!!1
PLEASE!!! deflate yer EGO and go get the help ya want!!!

Big Book On Line

this is our book. if you read through the 1st 164 pages and find yourself and read through the personal stories and can relate, you just may find it to be the best place for ya!!

kpfinn

I am glad that you wrote here - it is a beginning. Please seek the support of AA.

No more excuses.

bluelagune

AA - I wish I could but for a few other reasons cannot. That is why I looked up this website for some type of support and guidance.

I have not had a drink in public in over two years.

What do you do with stressors in your life?

HelloWorld82

Welcome Bluelagune! This is a WONDERFUL place to start! It really helped me to read, read, read, and read more! A lot of MY fears were induced by ALCOHOL! Every hour and day without alcohol, I gain more strength, courage, and self worth. Be kind to yourself! I BELIEVE IN YOU! :ghug3

bluelagune

Thanks all

TheJungianThing

Well what you can't or won't do is attend meetings. That's one part of the AA program. The other two parts are just as important. If you want to explore the option of AA you can start with the Program of Recovery outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. There's support on this site for that in the subforum.

Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

If the AA Program of Recovery doesn't appeal to you there is support and help found in this subforum.

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Stress and stressors ? I've found prayer and meditation to be extremely helpful. I've found I make things more stressful due to my unwillingness to accept "that which is". So, I don't do that as much anymore.


Good luck. Don't be shy. Ask questions, seek, SEEK. By seeking you'll wake up one day and find - you're not thinking about drinking. Days become months, months become years, and a whole new host of experiences in life are opened up to you.

Don't miss out. Just get busy, seeking and doing.

HelloWorld82

I am not the best person for advice being that I am new, but I make a list of the things that I want more than alcohol and I put them on my fridge, mirrors, etc. What is more important than the escape of alcohol? To me alcohol gets in the way of the things that I want because my drinking delays my progress and productivity. My stressors are resolved more efficiently when I am not drinking. Drinking only delays me dealing with those things... they will still be there and unresolved... If they are unable to be resolved, I can put that energy and time into something else that will make me feel better, productive, less stressed.

P.S. decaf tea at night is my friend

Mark75

So... uh, A coworker you barely know, knows you are a drunk, but you can't go to AA because you are afraid it will get out that you are doing something about it?



Look, I have been where you are, small town, I have a high profile job and presence in my community, all that... Lived here 26 years... I was terrified of going through those doors the first time.

AA is not the only game in town, but it's a darn good program of recovery, worth checking out. If you want to get sober, get over yourself, go to an AA meeting in the next town over, whatever you have to do, just get recovered.

Welcome to SR!!!

bluelagune

Thanks

MsJax

Hi Bluelagune. Alcohol controlled my life too. I was an everyday drinker drinking to blackout multiple times per week. Anyhow, the thing is, people talk. That's what they do. And the talkers are going to do it whether you're a drunk or solidly sober. So, just let them go about their own damn business. Throughout all my changes~drunk, separation, sober I have learned to just let people go. I know it is very hard but you can do that. Remember, when people gossip, it tells a story about them, not about you.

I too had gained a ton of weight from booze. Was 178 when I quit, 140 right now. It feels really good to get all that toxicity out of the body, takes a long time, but you'll see results in your face almost immediately I bet.

Regarding gaining control in your life, sometimes fighting something gives it even more power. That's how I was with alcohol. One day I knew alcohol was stronger than me, once I picked up a drink, I already had lost. I admitted it, I had battled it for years, it won, fight over. I don't have to fight it anymore. Days can be hard, and at times it's not one day at a time, it's one second at a time. But that sober time builds and it gets easier. I do not attend AA, I have over 14 months now sober. I used a ton of different info from different methods, including Women For Sobriety, AA, miscellaneous online readings, Sober Recovery, and recently due to some old deep anxiety/depression issues I started seeing a therapist who specializes in addictions and anxiety.

Best wishes to you, I hope you get what you need.

sugarbear1

If the town gossips, who is in AA that you already know and what did you hear?

I'm curious as the word "anonymous" DOES have meaning in the rooms of AA.

Just badgering you. AA saved my life with it's 12 steps. Without it, I'd be drunk right now.

I hope you find a program of recovery. Rational Recovery and others exist, if you search for them.

Peace & love,

bluelagune

Thanks MSJax. You just gave me hope. Totally thank you. I just looked into a psychology forum website and see what I can find there.

I hate gossip and jealousy. These things stress me out so bad ....
My so called ex-friend from work knows that when I'm stressed out, I drink (she does the same) but in order to get me fired she needed to find someone to stress me out. the good thing this guy is the last straw. I've cut everyone from communication that I know in any way associated to her.

tomsteve

I hate gossip and jealousy. These things stress me out so bad ....
My so called ex-friend from work knows that when I'm stressed out, I drink (she does the same) but in order to get me fired she needed to find someone to stress me out. the good thing this guy is the last straw. I've cut everyone from communication that I know in any way associated to her

Gossip- speaking of the faults and failings of others.... isnt this what you just indulged in?

bluelagune

Tom I would agree with you 100% on this. However, this is not fb and we don't know each other. I did not post the persons name or work address. I posted here because i have drinking problem and need help. Not just quitting but to determine what my stressors are and from others experiences maybe learn how to isolate or avoid them.

CarolD

Welcome...

By joining us...and expressing your feelings/ situation ..you have made a good start...

My drinking made me into a woman I detested...depressed and
it was indeed a dark time for me.

Rather quickly....when I actually quit drinking...the depression lifted
has not returned in over 23 years

I had no idea that alcohol was a toxic liquid depressant at that time...

Glad you are here....Yes! you too can win over alcohol.

Hevyn

Welcome bluelagune. I'm glad you've decided to reach out for help. I think many of your negative feelings will diminish once the fog clears and you get some sober days behind you. I felt so much better when I gave myself a chance to think things through with a clear head. I hope you'll stay and keep talking to us.

bluelagune

Thanks Carol and Havyn.