New here. Need some opinions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: western wisconsin
Posts: 2
New here. Need some opinions.
Hello there,
I need some opinions out there. I have been married for 11 years have 2 boys 9&11 years old. My wife and I are no strangers to partying.Drinking never used to interfear with our lives until the stresses of parenthood turned drinking from a fun social event to a way of medicating ourselves to deal with the daily problems of life. Back in October I recieved my first dui. Since then I have become serious about changing our habbits. A bit to serious for my wife to handle. I think we both have seperate issues. I can go a month without a drink. I dont need it but when I do have it I cant seem to stop. A typical binge drinker. My wife on the other hand on average does not have the much but cant go without it even for a week. She will have 2-3 drinks at least 4-5 days a week. When she does have just a few her personality changes to someone I do not like. She says stupid things, becomes tiried ang groggy, and is just not the vibrant person I fell in love with. We both quit smoking for the longest time and now she has decided to start again. She is accusing me of trying to control her but I just want us to live happy and healthier lives. I feel like we are heading down seperate paths and soon we wont be able to turn back. The thought of having my boys grow up in a broken home is horrifying but something has to give.
Am I trying to be to controlling?
I need some opinions out there. I have been married for 11 years have 2 boys 9&11 years old. My wife and I are no strangers to partying.Drinking never used to interfear with our lives until the stresses of parenthood turned drinking from a fun social event to a way of medicating ourselves to deal with the daily problems of life. Back in October I recieved my first dui. Since then I have become serious about changing our habbits. A bit to serious for my wife to handle. I think we both have seperate issues. I can go a month without a drink. I dont need it but when I do have it I cant seem to stop. A typical binge drinker. My wife on the other hand on average does not have the much but cant go without it even for a week. She will have 2-3 drinks at least 4-5 days a week. When she does have just a few her personality changes to someone I do not like. She says stupid things, becomes tiried ang groggy, and is just not the vibrant person I fell in love with. We both quit smoking for the longest time and now she has decided to start again. She is accusing me of trying to control her but I just want us to live happy and healthier lives. I feel like we are heading down seperate paths and soon we wont be able to turn back. The thought of having my boys grow up in a broken home is horrifying but something has to give.
Am I trying to be to controlling?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome peartfan2!
It sounds to me like you just want the best for both of you and have seen some things in your wife's drinking that bother you. If you've expressed that to her, I'm not sure what else you can do. It's pretty tough to get someone to quit drinking when they don't want to. On the other hand, you might be an inspiration to her by focusing on your own health and happiness.
Glad you're here!
(You might also want to check out the Family & Friends section).
It sounds to me like you just want the best for both of you and have seen some things in your wife's drinking that bother you. If you've expressed that to her, I'm not sure what else you can do. It's pretty tough to get someone to quit drinking when they don't want to. On the other hand, you might be an inspiration to her by focusing on your own health and happiness.
Glad you're here!
(You might also want to check out the Family & Friends section).
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
The national institute of health advises one drink per 24 hours for a female and no more than 2 for a male in 24 hours. It doesn't mean to wait until Saturday to have 7-14 drinks. A drink is one 12 ounce beer or 1.5 ounces of liquor.
I wish you both well,
I wish you both well,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
My advice - you can't control anyone's behavior but your own. If you haven't yet, express your concerns you have for your wife's health in terms of how it makes YOU feel. But she is the one who needs to make the change and you need to decide what you'll do no matter what she does. It sounds like you've both dealt with addictions, so you must understand her resistance to change 
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Pan.....you getting that craving for more once you start is a classic sign for alcoholism. Your wife sounds like she's in a similar albeit slightly different boat. I don't say that for any reason other than to say when I'm talking to someone who's sure they're alcoholic, my antennas for control, selfishness, self-centeredness, and abuse go on high alert.
I don't sense you being overly controlling. Maybe more "awake" than she is.......maybe more wiling to address a problem than she is.
Like what was said above my post - you can encourage but don't push. working on your issues will likely yield results.......results she may not be able to pretend don't exist and, hopefully, want for herself as well.
I don't sense you being overly controlling. Maybe more "awake" than she is.......maybe more wiling to address a problem than she is.
Like what was said above my post - you can encourage but don't push. working on your issues will likely yield results.......results she may not be able to pretend don't exist and, hopefully, want for herself as well.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Once I got a bit older I had to (finally) acknowledge alcohol is not a performance enhancing drug. Coming to terms with it all is hard and we all have our own ways of struggling. I can't give relationship advice but I think re-evaluating the role of alcohol in your own life is a good idea, or for any heavy drinker who is over partying a lot.
My wife still drinks but she is not really a big drinker. I try to keep her informed as to what I am doing and where it is at for me.
My wife still drinks but she is not really a big drinker. I try to keep her informed as to what I am doing and where it is at for me.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
A close friend of mine always says "It's better to be from a broken home than it is to live in one" (no idea who said that first), I believe that.
My parents were active alcoholics growing up. They weren't abusive, never got in trouble, but they were absent in an alcohol fog/hangover 100% of my childhood (they got sober for good when I was about 19). My dad didn't drink as much as my mom towards the end.. I remember just begging him to DO SOMETHING (I didn't know what, but something!) as she'd sit there at the dinner table all stupid and groggy. He'd just kick me under the table and tell me to be quiet. It was hell.
ALL that being said, I'm also an alcoholic. I've been sober for a little over 3 years now. My husband and I were drinking buddies, totally. He's not an alcoholic, so he'll never understand what it was like for me. He tried everything he could to get me to stop.. threats, pleading, begging.. until I was done, nothing could have stopped me.
Focus on your recovery. It's a waste of time trying to change an alcoholic who doesn't want to change. You're the healthy parent now, embrace and enhance that in your life.
My parents were active alcoholics growing up. They weren't abusive, never got in trouble, but they were absent in an alcohol fog/hangover 100% of my childhood (they got sober for good when I was about 19). My dad didn't drink as much as my mom towards the end.. I remember just begging him to DO SOMETHING (I didn't know what, but something!) as she'd sit there at the dinner table all stupid and groggy. He'd just kick me under the table and tell me to be quiet. It was hell.
ALL that being said
, I'm also an alcoholic. I've been sober for a little over 3 years now. My husband and I were drinking buddies, totally. He's not an alcoholic, so he'll never understand what it was like for me. He tried everything he could to get me to stop.. threats, pleading, begging.. until I was done, nothing could have stopped me.Focus on your recovery. It's a waste of time trying to change an alcoholic who doesn't want to change. You're the healthy parent now, embrace and enhance that in your life.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome....
It's my experience...I can't get anyone else drunk or sober.
I do use AA for my successful recovery from active alcoholism
Why not check out your local AA....see how they remain sober?.
It's my experience...I can't get anyone else drunk or sober.
I do use AA for my successful recovery from active alcoholism
Why not check out your local AA....see how they remain sober?.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, which you've experienced first hand. You can only get sober for yourself, by yourself. To attach your sobriety to another person can lead right back to the bottle. I suggest keeping the focus on your disease and letting your wife deal with hers. AA's first step: "powerless over alcohol" I call myself an alcoholic because when I have a drink I can't stop and have no control over what happens and what I do. We're also basically powerless over people (except children) as well. Where our real power lies is in our words and actions.
You might want to check out Al-anon. It's a 12 Step program for people involved with an alcoholic (both active and sober). It helped me reel my brain in and deal with my own problems instead of pointing my finger at someone else.
You might want to check out Al-anon. It's a 12 Step program for people involved with an alcoholic (both active and sober). It helped me reel my brain in and deal with my own problems instead of pointing my finger at someone else.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: nc
Posts: 62
Ive seen it happen more than one time alcohol becomes the boss and it gets harder and harder to communicate. And the kids are caught in the middle. The sooner you get help for you the better for your kids you can not control anyone else your spouse has to want to get better without alcohol. blessing to the family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Why dont you stop totally, maybe that would encourage you wife more.?
See how you go trying to stop..Total.
Then see what happens ?........i have a strong desire to stop smoking at the moment, the main reason for that is, im encouraged by people around me stopping .
See how you go trying to stop..Total.
Then see what happens ?........i have a strong desire to stop smoking at the moment, the main reason for that is, im encouraged by people around me stopping .
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