THEOjibway

Hello. I am an alcoholic as some of you know. My question is.... my girlfriend of 4 months now doesn't have a clue that I'm in AA. Whats the best way to bring it up to her? I want to tell her because I care for her so much now. I'm 8 months sober and my life has changed for the better.

I went to tell her this past monday and got too nervous to say anything. So whats the best way to bring it in the conversation instead of making it an ackward moment?

Gottalife

Caution is the watchword here. I remember a similar situation at about three years going out with the lovely girl. She was so hot I even gave up smoking for her. So one day at the beach I tell her I am an alcoholic. She says "Oh, I could never marry an alcoholic" quite hurtful, quite shallow, but maybe she wasn't old enough and didn't know me well enough to understand at that time. Anyway, I ended the relationship shortly after. She never did find "the one" she is still single 30 years later.
Why tell someone about a problem that isn't a problem. My advice is to wait until the time is right, perhaps when some good purpose can be served, like helping someone else. Then you can anlounce that you have some experience in this area and it is more likely to be positively received. Best of luck with this.

sugarbear1

It also depends on how close you two are now. How much does she really know about you? How much do you know about her? Are you in AA? Pray and meditate on it and talk with your sponsor. If you are using another program, maybe find a book on honest relationships in the self-help section of the book store or library or do an internet search.

I feel you want to be honest with her and this is a good thing. Don't rush into anything just yet, keep doing some research on it. You will know what to do when you are ready.

Relax. Stay stopped! Maybe wait until you have 6 months, I know I felt so much better about myself at that point (and it keeps getting better!).

Hugs,

MarkstheSpot

I think she'll be less concerned by the AA and more by the gory details that got you there in the first place.

stairs

Well IMHO you might as well just tell her now and find out how she feels about it and get it over with.
If she's cool with it, great. If not, isn't it better to know now before going any further, for both of your sakes?
Whatever you do, best of everything to you and congratulations on your soberiety!!

TigerLili

I don't think it's 'shallow' to now want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. It's automatically a relationship with potential obstacles and problems. I completely understand people not wanting to be with someone with addiction problems and I don't judge them for it.

I don't have any ideas of how you go about telling her though. Maybe just a very gentle mention at an appropriate time of how you used to have a drinking problem but now you're in AA and enjoy life so much more no that you don't drink. Then stop talking and see what she says. Don't make a big, giant deal out of it or an 'announcement', or 'we have to talk'. Very gently, in just a few words, at an appropriate time. Put the information out there and wait to see what she comes back with. If it was me in her shoes, I probably would run a mile if you disclosed your entire drinking history at that time. She may never need to know how much you drank and what problems you had, just that now you're in AA, not drinking and enjoying your life without alcohol.

bmwcycle

I echo and ampilfy these statements.

onlythetruth

I agree with the above too.

I spent some time dating after I quit drinking. My rule was not to tell people on the first few dates, but if things looked promising I told them that I had made a commitment not to drink ever again in my life. And I told them why.

If that was a problem for someone, I wanted to know that right away. (For some guys, the fact that they are never going to have champagne in front of the fire with you is a dealbreaker, believe it or not.)

Well, I found that honesty was indeed the best policy. I met Mr. Right, never kept anything from him, and we've been happily married now for 6 years. Trust and openness is crucial in any good relationship.

TigerLili

I dated a few guys who had a real issue with me not drinking and went on about it all the time. I never told them I was in AA, just that I didn't drink. Some people feel judged by non-drinkers if they drink in front of them, or feel like you can't have fun together without alcohol.

The fact that you've made it to 8 months being a non drinker in the relationship suggests she doesn't have a problem with you not drinking though.

THEOjibway

thanks for the advice! Well we are coming up to 6 months in May. I talked to my mother even about it. And my sponsor already told me I should tell her but all the same end result.... you tell her when you feel ready to. Thank you

THEOjibway

Just how I feel. I wanted to see where this relationship went first and not rush into things. I'll take everyones advice into consideration.

ceponatia

This struck me because there was a period about 4 years ago where I wasn't drinking and I went to meet some friends at a bar and they were giving away free beer at the door and I was like "No thanks, I don't drink." and the girl said "Oh are you an alcoholic?"

I mean yeah, I was... just weird to jump to that conclusion immediately. I do know some people who just plain don't drink. lol

THEOjibway

Yeah. Your right about that. I have friends who don't drink because they aren't interested in it at all. One tried once and he got plastered and he hated the feeling the next day of a hangover followed by puking. He didn't like it at all and said he isn't in trying that again, he supports me the whole way when I told him my secret of going to AA, he was asking me why I had to keep going out at 8pm every thursday and he kept asking and asking and I told him and he wasn't like "get away from me drunk!" He then told me the story I just mentioned how he got very drunk once for the first time and didn't like it really.

My other friend on the other hand. Has never taken a sip of alcohol in his life. Though he's only 21 I warned him not to assume it won't happen where he'll be curious to try one day and may like it. He told me that his other friends who like to drink already tried to get him to drink everytime they got together but again he never showed any interest. They stopped pressuring him after they realized he just wasn't going to drink. He said it just didn't interest him. I laughed and said "Well it's good you're not into drinking because then our friendship would be a strained one. Also I'm a live example of what happens if you get into it and then abuse alcohol." He looked at me straight and said "Nahhhh. I never think of you that way Chris. You're my friend and a good guy thats all I think." Which touched me alot.

So yeah the verdicts in. I have taken all advice and I was told basically let her know when I feel the time is right. Tomorrow evening her and I are just going to enjoy the night out together. Go for dinner and a movie. My parents feel the best time to talk to her about it is when we are in the privacy of our own home so that way theres no one listening in who might be sitting in the next booth from us or the waitress comes on in at the wrong time. Sounds good to me I don't want her to feel the world is listening to something I want to share personally and keep it between us two. So don't worry, I'm not holding on out of nervousness. Just so more as to be in private and make it her feel more at ease and to know I want to share this with her and keep it between us, it'll make her feel good that I'm willing to share some more things with her and that I trust her alot. And that I feel more deeply connected with her.