klbutcher

My partner is an alcoholic, I am not but am T-Total to support him into recovery.

In May 2011 my AH admitted himself into rehab, unfortunately he relapsed in December. January wasn't too bad but in February he was drunk every weekend from Thursday (pay day) to Saturday (no money left!).

I can't deny I was heartbroken initially (who wouldn't be) but I managed to pick myself up very quickly. We'd been here before, everything I learned in Al-Anon sprung into action. It is second nature to me now and I just keep on living. I suppose it is my own defense mechanism really.

He has now been sober since 27th Feb. So he broke the cycle/pattern. Of course I am pleased for him but I can't help but be acutely aware that he ''still' isn't getting much help. He did go to AA last Thursday but nothing since, I have offered to help financially with counselling should he want it. He said he'd think about it and then didn't mention it again so neither have I.

My AH thinks when he is sober that he is fine ... I know better, but his denial tells him otherwise I suppose and he has to find that out for himself.

My question is this... ''We couldn't do it alone''
Does that mean that whilst he is trying to do it alone he is can't possibly succeed?

Whatever happens my priority is me. I will always be there to support him should he want to get help but I never enable him.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Wishing each and every one of you, All The Best.

totfit

My experience is that when a person is ready to quit, going to meetings or not is not necessarily an indication of whether or not they will be successful. Personally, I went to meetings and lapsed of and on for years, but now I go to none and stay sober. A person does not necessarily need outside help, but typically one has to change. What I am saying is likely contrary to what you may hear, but it is my experience and supported by statistics. I wish you both well. The best thing that you can do is let him find his way and be supportive. On the other hand certainly don't enable "bad" decisions.

klbutcher

Hi Totfit,
Thank you so much for posting a reply. I really value other peoples opinions and experiences. It gives you hope.

I think I am of the same opinion, that when he is really ready to change, he will, regardless of any outside influence.
What does concern me though is the denial aspect of his illness.. Before he went to rehab, he honestly believed when he got sober after a binge and felt OK again, that he was good to drink again. That the last time he drank had just gone ''wrong'' .
It was only after intense therapy for 28 days, that denial was broken.

I still remember collecting him from hospital. All the way home he was full of his experience, it was like his eye's had finally been opened. Something he said sticks in my mind to date ''I am the problem, not alcohol, not cocaine or anything else, the addict lives in me''. 6 months later, when I discovered he was doing cocaine he said '' I don't have a problem with cocaine''. Which I might add he did have a cocaine addiction before alcohol, he replaced one with the other. I realised then in an instant that he was very poorly again.

His denial certainly isn't the brick wall it once was mind, within the space of 2 months he is no longer adimant he can do drugs, just defensive but I do wonder if he needs therapy again for that.

Both myself and his family will support him fully into recovery, he knows that without doubt. He also knows we will not enable him. We learned from our mistakes the first time round. For example if he doesn't work, or drinks at work, his wages are deducted (family business). If he spends his wages on drugs and alcohol then he goes without, we don't bail him out or lend him money.

He absolutely has to find his own way and I have faith that he will eventually. Leaving with alcoholism is pretty tough for all involved so for now I will take care of myself until he is ready to change.

Anna

I believe that recovery is about motivation, rather than the choice of program. If your brother wants to recover, he will.

I was sober for a couple of years on my own before I found this place. I have been here for many years and continue to find inspiration and support.

klbutcher

Hi Anna,
Thank you. I think these are all things that I know deep down but the strains of this illness tend to make me doubt myself. It certainly tries to make you wallow in self pity!

I know it is pointless me hoping he find clarity soon but I so wish that he does...

Have a good day.