Scolova

Anger hitting VERY hard tonight, worst in many weeks.
Felt worthless and inferior.
Then started yelling at thin air\(memories of me being worthless & inferior).
Voice telling me; "all this is for nothing, you will fail, blah yada blah blah."


I think I'm calming down just from typing it now and forgiving myself plus those who have managed to 'live rent free' up in my brain for so many years\decades. I could really use some sleep, it's 2:30am here, but I know that's not gonna happen for now.

\vent

stillsleeping

Wanna yell at me? I'm very easy going and don't take offence very easily... it'll be like taking one for the team! It's 9:40am here, a beautiful cold sunny February day on the coast and the frost is already melted. What's it like over there?

Dee74

I know you well enough to know you're not worthless and inferior Scolova

I had a lot of that said to me too - comes a time you have to draw a line, shut the door on all that, and step out into the light...

Whatever happened or whatever was said in the past - you've accomplished a lot in year or so - you should be proud of that

D

Scolova

TY
My yelling\anger has always kicked-in out of the blue, just to make me look and feel like I'm completely mentally disturbed.
It's chilly here, has been a mild winter so it feels colder than it really is. I'm finally winding down enough to sleep.


....

Thank You Dee, I need to work on this part of my life\mind for certain, never thought of myself as 'good enough' or on par with others... and it always lead me back to the bottle. I do know better than to put myself through the sickness again, just gotta pace myself and work towards get my healing my mind.

stillsleeping

well it's an open invitation so just leave me a note if you need to bellow. Sleep well hon x

Fandy

you can always yell at me too....and i can yell back....then we can meet in gratitude and appreciate what we have.

hope you sleep well

macknacat

it takes awareness of my baggage before i can work on shedding that stuff- sounds like you are well on the way.

blackoutgirl

Scolova-
I hope you are feeling better today

"comes a time you have to draw a line, shut the door on all that, and step out into the light... "

Dee is so right about this. I don't know you personally, however, I view you as a strong individual. Your alcoholic brain would love nothing more than for you to fall back into your old habits. Imagine a little alcoholic on your shoulder with devil horns throwing a temper tantrum. Ignore him, Scolova.

You are 'good enough' and you proved that to yourself when you stopped drinking. Take in a deep breath of fresh air today and know that you are the one in control and far from worthless.

davaidavai

I'm starting to see those moments as invitations of a certain variety. I've never done AA, the 12 steps, etc., but a huge part of my recovery from depression has been understanding the past, my own behavior, taking inventory, seeing meaning, etc. At least my theory now is that the reason why I was beating myself up so much was because a part of me wanted that I finally figure something out about the stuff I have lived through. A part of me wanted the richer life experience that I was denying myself and seeking through alcohol, through dramatic emotional states. I find that it was never enough to merely forgive myself, to say -- never again -- but to understand fully how awful it has been, how I conspired with life and events to destroy myself. Allowing the full magnitude of a life wasted on sorrows to sink in, forgiveness then arrives with a total, thorough awareness of that past. Then, once the past is digested, once the rewards are so apparent for acceptance of the past, one can view these moments as invitations to really work on the present, to dialogue with your anger, to ask yourself where those illusions come from, how they limit your rich experience of life, how you seek self-medication to create an artificially rich experience. With this one realises that there is daily maintenance involved in being human: a maintenance job that we do everything we can to shirk by seeking a permanent happiness within conditions of denial or going through the motions of morality and recovery without really fully committing and thereby seeing how such a commitment can impact us positively almost immediately.

The catch is that you have to be totally committed to battling despair just as you are committed to quitting alcohol or cigarettes. The despair itself has a kind of addictive quality and cannot be indulged. Just like dialoging with your desire for a drink, but more complicated, importing memories, ideas about the universe, meaning, your imagination which allows you to view the world clearly.

Impurrfect

(((Scolova))) - I hope you are feeling better today. Coming up on 5 years, I can STILL get angry at "why aren't you..... by now?!??!" The words "worthless, hopeless, failure" all come up.

Good thing is, they quickly fade. All I have to do is start thinking of things I HAVE accomplished, and it can be really minor stuff...like being thrilled at seeing the baby goats in a field I often drive by (old days, wouldn't have even noticed), to bigger stuff (I was there for my family when my 43-year-old cousin died...Hep C from doing drugs decades ago).

You've been through a rough time lately with your mom. Give yourself a break...you've been there for her and other family members, that is HUGE.

Right now I'd really like to beat myself up over the fact that my statistics class is kicking my butt. Really? It's the ONLY class of 4 that I don't have an A in, and I'm only 2 points away from an A. I only need a C average to graduate.

A lot of my anger at me is because I'm not living up to MY standards...have a tendency to think I have to do everything perfect.....sigh. Luckily, recovery is teaching me that anger is just a feeling and it's not going to kill me. I can say "pfffft" to the voices telling me I'm a failure, I can come here and vent, talk it out, and then move on.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

macknacat

Gotta try to remember who sang these lyrics [or some words close]- took me 50 long years to realize that just because i was angry didn't mean i was right"

F355

I have enjoyed reading your posts thus far, Scolova, and admire your determination to stay sober. I hope your anger issues resolve soon, man.

Scolova

Thank you all, has helped very much.
I was on the verge of smashing s**t up all over the house last night. Grateful I thought through that, no fun at all having to clean-up and repair more stuff than I already am. I have been running back and forth to the hospital\facilities for a month and a half and this house is so full of crap, sitting in front of other crap, sitting in front of the walls... (may have been I bit off more than I could chew last night with cleaning up around this old house) I get pissed about clutter and that may have (probably was) the anger\worthless trigger. I'm unemployed, which is a double-edged sword; I have the time to deal with all of this and not freak-out on coworkers, but not bringing in any money feels pretty pathetic.
Anyway,
I have run my course with weed and alcohol and am thankful I do not crave it during those times. What worries me most when those moments pass are the things I have not tried, drugs which I have not used might temped me, if available (but it's good I kicked my old doper friends out a long time ago).

I am going to watch some of the Oscars and do 'a little' cleaning up around here...
(Have the City public works coming tomorrow to rip up the backyard\fence to repair our poop tube, but that's then & this is now.) :-)

BackToSquareOne

Scolova, I've come to terms with the issues you describe by acceptance of the fact that I can not change the past. When I feel anger I look at the thoughts behind the anger and if it's about things from the past I turn it over to acceptance.

There is a certain reality to life that can't be denied and that is the fact that we can only play the cards we are holding. Comparing ourselves to others is pointless as we are not holding their cards. To find any semblance of happiness you must be at peace with yourself. This means that you must drop the expectations and accept that what is, is and that's OK.

The baggage from our past can be an anchor that drags us down to the depths of despair. It can also also be rocket fuel to a better life born of a deeper understanding of the thought process that caused us to go astray. We don't have to keep driving in the wrong direction on lifes highway, we can make a u-turn and go the right way.

Try looking at the thoughts behind the feelings, change what you can and accept the rest.

Impurrfect

(((Scolova))) - there are very few drugs I have NOT tried (um, acid?..think I've done the rest). Trust me....not worth it.

I've seriously considered getting a punching bag in the basement to work out my anger, at times. Been dealing with a LOT of anger, lately, but lo and behold, tonight? I found compassion, I helped another RA who just happens to be my stepsister, and she helped me.

Walking, "car dancing" - my version of dancing in my car with music I love...a lot of it with a recovery message in it..work wonders at getting past the anger. If that doesn't work? I beat the hell out of a pillow

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Scolova

Thank you both again.
I am trying to pinpoint which thoughts are the ones which cause this, it's very hard when the mind is racing from one to another, but living without the drink & drugs is helping me focus more on it.

I've done acid about 5 times, just out of high school, thankfully never had a bad trip and was able to turn it down after that. I knew how bad it was\could be after a friend's trip went very bad... I did not want to be 'that crying dude' or to turn suicidal (which is what weed began to do to me). I doubt I would give into the drugs again unless I were to truly give up on myself completely.

I have a punching bag mounted out back, should have gotten out there a beaten the hell out of it. lol. I've actually hurt myself a few times in the past going all-out on it (broken pinky-finger and pinch a nerve that gave me pain for a month.) It does help when I remember.