Relationships with non-alcoholics
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
Relationships with non-alcoholics
Hi all,
First post here. I'm coming up on 4 years sober but have been in a rut for a long time. I'm getting the feeling that non sober friends and family deliberately do not ask me to go out with them if because they drink. I confronted one person in particular and he admitted he doesn't ever invite me out because of this despite me telling him I don't have a problem with going out with people who drink.
More importantly, I stopped going to meetings so I don't associate with alcoholics either. Ever since I got this new job with long hours, I have been making excuses not to go and I am continuing to isolate. At this point I am getting suicidal again. I yearn to be with people but I am scared of the possibility of rejection. It's even worse with the people of the opposite sex.
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First post here. I'm coming up on 4 years sober but have been in a rut for a long time. I'm getting the feeling that non sober friends and family deliberately do not ask me to go out with them if because they drink. I confronted one person in particular and he admitted he doesn't ever invite me out because of this despite me telling him I don't have a problem with going out with people who drink.
More importantly, I stopped going to meetings so I don't associate with alcoholics either. Ever since I got this new job with long hours, I have been making excuses not to go and I am continuing to isolate. At this point I am getting suicidal again. I yearn to be with people but I am scared of the possibility of rejection. It's even worse with the people of the opposite sex.
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Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Bauer - welcome 
I'm sorry you feel so low.
All my friends were heavy drinkers - they all pretty much dropped me like a hot potato.
It hurt at the time but I moved on and I'm glad I did.
I made a new circle of friends - ones that didn't care whether I was drinking or not.
I think, ultimately, we have to face that fear, & put ourselves out there and risk being rejected - otherwise we just isolate more and more.
If you're having trouble making that leaps, and especially if you're thinking suicidally I really encourage you to think about seeing a Dr or some kind of counsellor - none of us are professionals, and it's always possible there may be more going on here than simple sober growing pains.
Either way, 4 years is a long time to feel bad about being sober.
I really hope the support & ideas you'll find here can help
D
I'm sorry you feel so low.
All my friends were heavy drinkers - they all pretty much dropped me like a hot potato.
It hurt at the time but I moved on and I'm glad I did.
I made a new circle of friends - ones that didn't care whether I was drinking or not.
I think, ultimately, we have to face that fear, & put ourselves out there and risk being rejected - otherwise we just isolate more and more.
If you're having trouble making that leaps, and especially if you're thinking suicidally I really encourage you to think about seeing a Dr or some kind of counsellor - none of us are professionals, and it's always possible there may be more going on here than simple sober growing pains.
Either way, 4 years is a long time to feel bad about being sober.
I really hope the support & ideas you'll find here can help
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 28
Hi bauer,
I have been about 2 1/4 years sober and can sympathize with you as far as feeling neglected by family and friends of yours who are drinkers. For years, I naturally gravitated to big drinkers to hang out with including work collegues. I have been out with some of them from time to time but it is not the same as it was in my drinking past. I have found that when the subject of my drinking comes up I have to pretend I'm envious of them and kind of imply to them that I wish I could still be drinking. I have learned to avoid conveying to them that not drinking is something I very much enjoy. In the back of my mind I am saying thank God I am not still repeating the same old embellished stories over drink after drink and waking up the following day with a paralyzing hangover. The last thing you want to do is come across with something they perceive as a holyier than thou attitude . Like you, they will have to make the cost/benefit analysis of drinking on their own and you will at least be in the picture down the road to offer your help if they ask for it.
Not sure exactly why it is that way but my guess would be that all drinkers who have crossed the path to alcoholism are continually looking for some type of afffirmation that they are "OK" and drinking gives them more benefits than costs even when you and possibly they know deep down that that is not the case. Most of these big drinkers are somewhere on the road to alcoholism and moving at different speeds down the road. I think I just starting on that road earlier and had a bigger and faster motor.
I would stay in contact with them to whatever extent you can and try to make new connections with either normal drinkers or ex drinkers like yourself. I have never attended AA meetings or the like but perhaps you should try to attend some more simply for the comraderie and conversations. For myself, at my age of 51, I find that I am comfortable spending time with my wife and myself and a few friends here and there. I like people, but after about 2 hours of socializing I am more than satisfied for awhile.
I have been about 2 1/4 years sober and can sympathize with you as far as feeling neglected by family and friends of yours who are drinkers. For years, I naturally gravitated to big drinkers to hang out with including work collegues. I have been out with some of them from time to time but it is not the same as it was in my drinking past. I have found that when the subject of my drinking comes up I have to pretend I'm envious of them and kind of imply to them that I wish I could still be drinking. I have learned to avoid conveying to them that not drinking is something I very much enjoy. In the back of my mind I am saying thank God I am not still repeating the same old embellished stories over drink after drink and waking up the following day with a paralyzing hangover. The last thing you want to do is come across with something they perceive as a holyier than thou attitude . Like you, they will have to make the cost/benefit analysis of drinking on their own and you will at least be in the picture down the road to offer your help if they ask for it.
Not sure exactly why it is that way but my guess would be that all drinkers who have crossed the path to alcoholism are continually looking for some type of afffirmation that they are "OK" and drinking gives them more benefits than costs even when you and possibly they know deep down that that is not the case. Most of these big drinkers are somewhere on the road to alcoholism and moving at different speeds down the road. I think I just starting on that road earlier and had a bigger and faster motor.
I would stay in contact with them to whatever extent you can and try to make new connections with either normal drinkers or ex drinkers like yourself. I have never attended AA meetings or the like but perhaps you should try to attend some more simply for the comraderie and conversations. For myself, at my age of 51, I find that I am comfortable spending time with my wife and myself and a few friends here and there. I like people, but after about 2 hours of socializing I am more than satisfied for awhile.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you both for responding. I am fairly young at 27 though, and even at work everyone gets together in the bar. Last time I was really uncomfortable, and alcohol wasn't even my "drug of choice"(I go to AA cause I didn't like the other fellowships). I don't plan on going to this Friday for a co-workers going away get together.
That fear of rejection for me really is a bitch, but I think I need to man up and at least go to a meeting and make a phone call or 2. The camaraderie was nice for a long time actually(~2 years), but going back to my old AA friends always feels out of place since I am inconsistent and don't see them regularly. I do have "other issues" that I'm taking care of with a doctor. More than half of Alcoholics do suffer from some type of mental health issue and I know I am not alone in regards to that based on my experience with other alcoholics.
That fear of rejection for me really is a bitch, but I think I need to man up and at least go to a meeting and make a phone call or 2. The camaraderie was nice for a long time actually(~2 years), but going back to my old AA friends always feels out of place since I am inconsistent and don't see them regularly. I do have "other issues" that I'm taking care of with a doctor. More than half of Alcoholics do suffer from some type of mental health issue and I know I am not alone in regards to that based on my experience with other alcoholics.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Firstly, I commend you for your 4 years. (2 months myself, and I'm 23 years old) People come and go frequently in AA, so if you do go back nobody is going to judge you. They just say "welcome back" and that's that.
I lost a lot of "friends" (more like drinking buddies) when I quit, and for a while I was pretty sad about it but now I try to look at the positive things in life. I'm alive and healthy for one thing, and I ask myself "Do I really want to put myself in a position to be tempted again?" Once in a while it's unavoidable and I can handle it but I know better than to put myself in that position too often.
Hang around here a while, talk to people, get your feelings out.
I lost a lot of "friends" (more like drinking buddies) when I quit, and for a while I was pretty sad about it but now I try to look at the positive things in life. I'm alive and healthy for one thing, and I ask myself "Do I really want to put myself in a position to be tempted again?" Once in a while it's unavoidable and I can handle it but I know better than to put myself in that position too often.
Hang around here a while, talk to people, get your feelings out.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Most of us, "us" being the human race, are motivated to socialize by the "me" factor. That is, what's in it for me? We choose our social groups because we like what being a part of that group gives us. A "group" can be one other person, or a gathering of many people.
I will suggest that instead of defining yourself as a non-drinker take a look at who you are in total. Your hobbies, your interests, what you read, the sports that you enjoy, your skills at work etc. After doing this decide what those attributes offer those around you. In other words, who is attracted to you because of who you are?
I suspect that you were invited to the co-worker's going away party because people felt since you had worked with the individual that you would want to be there to wish them well as they left the company.
Rarely do people try and include us because they don't want us there; on the contrary they feel our presence adds to the gathering. Stop being one dimensional in your mind, that is "a person who doesn't drink" look at what you offer, not what you don't do and then share that with the group. We alcoholics seem to develop tunnel vision after we stop drinking and all we focus on is the self-applied description of "recovering alcoholic, or other substances."
I stopped drinking because among other reasons, I isolated when I drank. I really haven't gained much if I isolate in sobriety. I decided to get out and be me as a whole person and soon after that I was at gatherings, in and out of places where alcohol was served, because I added to the occasion. It can be difficult at first, but then so was getting sober.
My suggestion, be a whole person and not just an alcoholic and the world gets a great deal bigger.
Just my experience,
Jon
I will suggest that instead of defining yourself as a non-drinker take a look at who you are in total. Your hobbies, your interests, what you read, the sports that you enjoy, your skills at work etc. After doing this decide what those attributes offer those around you. In other words, who is attracted to you because of who you are?
I suspect that you were invited to the co-worker's going away party because people felt since you had worked with the individual that you would want to be there to wish them well as they left the company.
Rarely do people try and include us because they don't want us there; on the contrary they feel our presence adds to the gathering. Stop being one dimensional in your mind, that is "a person who doesn't drink" look at what you offer, not what you don't do and then share that with the group. We alcoholics seem to develop tunnel vision after we stop drinking and all we focus on is the self-applied description of "recovering alcoholic, or other substances."
I stopped drinking because among other reasons, I isolated when I drank. I really haven't gained much if I isolate in sobriety. I decided to get out and be me as a whole person and soon after that I was at gatherings, in and out of places where alcohol was served, because I added to the occasion. It can be difficult at first, but then so was getting sober.
My suggestion, be a whole person and not just an alcoholic and the world gets a great deal bigger.
Just my experience,
Jon
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You are taking a big chance with your recovery. Over 20 years everyone "coming back" and counting days says the reason they went out was because they stopped going to meetings.
I'm with non-alcoholics all the time and have no problems. Perhaps YOU can invite someone out to dinner. Talk to your family and tell them you have no problem if others drink (non-alcoholically, of course).
I'm with non-alcoholics all the time and have no problems. Perhaps YOU can invite someone out to dinner. Talk to your family and tell them you have no problem if others drink (non-alcoholically, of course).
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by bauer 
alcohol wasn't even my "drug of choice"(I go to AA cause I didn't like the other fellowships).
Are you working the program (ie continually working and applying the steps) or mostly just going to meetings for support?
Actually.....you mentioned you weren't going to meetings anymore. Are you working with any other alkies/addicts? ......carrying the message and giving back?
I'll pretty much tell you.....if you're not doing that stuff.....you're in flirting with trouble. A loose quote: Nothing so much insured our sobriety as continual work with other alcoholics - it worked when other things failed...... Get reingaged with AA (or maybe NA really....if you're not an alkie) and I'm SURE that stuff you posted will clear up.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Here's what I get from your first post.
I quit going to meetings.
Now I don't associate with many people. I'm isolating. I'm suicidal.
What's changed?
Glad that you're getting help with your other issues (you're right btw, most of us has LOTS of issues besides alcohol). That will help but ....
What were you doing when you were happy and sober and more social?
Was it meetings?
Figure that out and start doing it again.
I quit going to meetings.
Now I don't associate with many people. I'm isolating. I'm suicidal.
What's changed?
Glad that you're getting help with your other issues (you're right btw, most of us has LOTS of issues besides alcohol). That will help but ....
What were you doing when you were happy and sober and more social?
Was it meetings?
Figure that out and start doing it again.
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