hypochondriac

Ok, so I drank again tonight... Argh! I'm so incredibly disappointed in my self but I don't feel bad. I know I will get this eventually and maybe I just don't 'want' it enough yet (though I've been wanting this for far too long!). The thing is I survived 2 major social events without drinking and I realise entirely that my drinking is only a major problem when I'm home on my own. I had a few embarrassing events in my early years of drinking that has made me limit my drinking in public. But inevitably as the years pass it has become obvious that my public drinking is occasionally more than the acceptable limit (I'm known as a big drinker). But I can handle that, I can tell people I'm not drinking and they don't make too much of a fuss and I even if they do it makes my resolve stronger. The past few days I thought I had made my home a happy drink free place and with work as a distraction it is, but the weekends... I tried to tell myself that it was just my alcoholic voice but I felt like I couldn't make it... so pathetic! And a few days ago I thought that the concept that 'I love to drink' was ridiculous as I really didn't want to...then it hit me like a wall! I need to do more reading and conquer this... The thing is I know that my serious drinking started when I was 'forced' to stop self harming and I feel like this is a thing from my past which I should be conquering at the same time. Although I managed to control my drinking to an almost acceptable limit I have never dealt with the initial 'trigger'. Maybe I'm just lonely, but I have so much work to do on myself.

Sorry, this is a pathetic rant. I will be back on track tomorrow and make sure I commit more time to sorting this **** out!

Elisabeth888

Try to think the drink through. What has happened in the past as a result of drinking? Do you want to continue down the path? Does drinking REALLY make you feel all that good?

hypochondriac

I hate to say this but tonight it has made me feel better, but I do not want to continue down this path and I know that my attempts to control my drinking have been futile in the long term...

Elisabeth888

Be kind to yourself. You can start your day over as many times as you need to.

DayTrader

I like your choice of "futile." That resonates with me. Futility, frustration, and disappointment were my three closest "friends" for a LONG time (I didn't think of them was friends....but they sure seemed to think of me as their best buddy - lol)......when I was drinking and when I wasn't drinking. I came to understand that that's how untreated alcoholism feels.....drunk or dry.

Recovery is "not drinking" but it's also been vital to me because through recovery, I've learned better tools to apply to life. Used properly, those tools help prevent going back to those "old tools" even when I KNOW they won't work. Those old tools DID usually "work" in kicking me right back into futility, frustration and disappointment.......and I'm sick of living life that way. Recovery in AA has been a blessing because this it exactly the type of stuff that it was designed to work on.

InsertNameHere

Thanks for posting with so much honesty, hypocondriac. I just thought I would let you know that I am in the same boat, I spent this weekend drinking made a few stupid decisions the first of which was driving home with what I recognize now as a clear plan to drink. I told myself that it wasn't but I now I know it was there. I managed to be sober sunday night thankfully, but I completley understand what you mean when you say.

"I tried to tell myself that it was just my alcoholic voice but I felt like I couldn't make it... so pathetic! And a few days ago I thought that the concept that 'I love to drink' was ridiculous as I really didn't want to...then it hit me like a wall!"

Just letting you know you are not alone.

INH

instant

As long as we are learning we are progressing. Sometimes I made the same mistakes twice, hoping it would be different for some "reason" or other.

Keep trying and you get there.

hypochondriac

Thanks for your responses. I've ordered a few books and plan on doing homework on AVRT and CBT every night now as well as working on some coping strategies for when that wave of anxiety and panic hits me. Has anyone ever tried doing EFT? It's something I've heard is good for anxiety but I don't know much about it, I have a few books on their way though

2granddaughters

AA might just be the answer to your problem ....

All the best.

Bob R. (in the colonies)

vichloe

Nobody's perfect. Pick yourself up and get back on the right path!

DayTrader

I hear plenty of ppl with some time under their belts say "you don't want it bad enough" to newcomers at AA meetings and it reeeeeally rubs me the wrong way. I get what they're saying but I don't agree with the chosen phraseology.

1. How much is "enough?" What, you have to wait till alcohol damn near kills you to want it "sufficiently?" I don't buy it......and that wasn't my personal experience with getting sober.

2. If you've never really been truly "sober" (physically, mentally and spiritually), how do you know what it is you're missing?

3. I know plenty of ppl who reeeeeeally want it but don't have it..... so wanting it isn't a guarantee for GETTING it. It helps to WANT sobriety but I've found more value in DOING sober-related things than just wanting to do them.

.....#3 goes hand in hand with a lot of my old thinking. The thought of doing something I didn't WANT to do was absolutely foreign to me. I thought as a kid that when I grew up and became an adult, I wouldn't HAVE to take orders and do all those things I didn't want to do.....ever again (I'm exaggerating but you get the idea, I'm sure). I would take direction....up to a point.....but then I'd slam the door shut and the game was over.

As far as drinking was concerned....what I wanted was to drink with impunity. I wanted to continue to do what I wanted to do AND have no consequences for those actions. Life doesn't work that way....even though I wanted it to. I was a selfish, self-centered, emotionally immature, spoiled brat in a lot of ways.....but I couldn't see that at the time.

Early sobriety for me involved doing a lot of things I didn't WANT to do...and it still does today. The cool thing about it though, is that the more of the "right" things that I do......in spite of wanting to do them or not......the better I feel. The next time one of those things rolls around again, I'm a whole lot more willing to do them and a lot of the time I now want to do them......because I've experienced the joy, pleasure, relief from "right actions."

Hypo.....I bet you probably want it plenty......I bet you want it bad enough already. I wonder, though, if you're willing to do some things you DON'T want to do to get what it is you really already want.......

(LMFAO, and if that makes sense to you......you're probably an alcoholic!! ).

hypochondriac

Thanks Daytrader, that makes a lot of sense. Though in a way I have never wanted to drink. I was alarmed at my reaction to it from the outset and never liked being drunk, I just used it as a tool to escape other problems. In the end though alcohol has become the bigger problem. I've just got to figure out what my new tools are now.