What Quitting Drinking Won't Do
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
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Originally Posted by Tobo 
Good thread!hat your sober.
Most people will counter with "you weren't sober long enough" or " you didn't work a program correctly." This reasoning to me sounds like easy all encompassing counter statements. Like when if aa didn't work it was your fault bc you didn't do it right. But if it did work, then aa gets all the credit.
I.
Most people will counter with "you weren't sober long enough" or " you didn't work a program correctly." This reasoning to me sounds like easy all encompassing counter statements. Like when if aa didn't work it was your fault bc you didn't do it right. But if it did work, then aa gets all the credit.
I.
However, i do think AA /NA can be compromising for their default "if you're clean today it was a successful day" That might work for initial recovery but has little to do with all the life skills i had to work on-
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Originally Posted by ODAT63
To those of you sober for a while, please explain to me:
After a year sobriety my husband of 16 years left me, was nasty about the divorce (he filed), left me just about everything (I did not ask for), he would not talk to me, (I was going to al-anon) tried to save my marriage, 3 months after the divorce he got drunk and finally he called me, I run to rescue him but refused to get back with him, I told him that only after a year of honest sobriety we can talk, he told me or either I take him back now or I never again will hear from him, I stood by my request and he left.
He moved to another town, few months later I contacted him about his daughter and he call the police on me saying I was harrassing him, that was last time I contacted him, It has been almost a year now, I feel I need closure with him and work my step 9, I am not sure if he is still drinking or not all I know is that he doesn't talk to our children anymore and he is dating a much younger woman.
Is he a dry drunk? What shoudl I do about my 9 step, I know my part in the relationship I just want to apologize to him and move on, I am already in a good relationship with a non adictive loving man.
Please advise.
Thank you!
After a year sobriety my husband of 16 years left me, was nasty about the divorce (he filed), left me just about everything (I did not ask for), he would not talk to me, (I was going to al-anon) tried to save my marriage, 3 months after the divorce he got drunk and finally he called me, I run to rescue him but refused to get back with him, I told him that only after a year of honest sobriety we can talk, he told me or either I take him back now or I never again will hear from him, I stood by my request and he left.
He moved to another town, few months later I contacted him about his daughter and he call the police on me saying I was harrassing him, that was last time I contacted him, It has been almost a year now, I feel I need closure with him and work my step 9, I am not sure if he is still drinking or not all I know is that he doesn't talk to our children anymore and he is dating a much younger woman.
Is he a dry drunk? What shoudl I do about my 9 step, I know my part in the relationship I just want to apologize to him and move on, I am already in a good relationship with a non adictive loving man.
Please advise.
Thank you!
That's a tough one ODAT63, why do people do the things they do? How a man could just leave and not want anything to do with his own children is beyond my realm of comprehension. I would ask one of the mods to move this to the Friends And Family Forum, the people there have much more experience in these matters. Maybe if an AA person comes along they'll have some insight into whats going on with him as far as the dry drunk issue and closure.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
Like Tobo said, drinking alcohol is only one part of the disease of alcoholism. Quiting drinking is the easy part. Doing the life changing behavior that causes the drinking is the tough part. I see to many people run back to their bottle because things aren't going their way.
It's not the life is going to change. Both the good, the bad, and the day to day existance will continue to happen. I had to change, not life.
It's not the life is going to change. Both the good, the bad, and the day to day existance will continue to happen. I had to change, not life.
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Quitting drinking won't transform you into a person of high character.
Initially, sobering up might simply "curse" you with the awareness of much character you lack.
But there is hope, because quitting drinking creates a hospitable space for the construction of character.
Initially, sobering up might simply "curse" you with the awareness of much character you lack.
But there is hope, because quitting drinking creates a hospitable space for the construction of character.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Originally Posted by JohnnyDetox
Quiting drinking doesn't guarantee forgiveness.
Quiting drinking alone can't always save a failing relationship.
Are these called the 'Un-Promises''?
Quiting drinking alone can't always save a failing relationship.
Are these called the 'Un-Promises''?
The aspect of forgiveness covers a lot of territory if you really stop and think about it. If you go past the whole host of people who just moved on with their lives and have no interest (nor should they) in forgiving you, what about the subliminal aspect of forgiving yourself? What about all the things that could have been that never came to pass because too much precious time was squandered away chasing cheap thrills. We don't really talk about these things but at one level or another I doubt that anyone escapes the occassional thoughts of all the "could have beens" that we never came to know. Comming to terms with all this baggage is often the hardest part of the whole process.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
To those of you sober for a while, please explain to me:
After a year sobriety my husband of 16 years left me, was nasty about the divorce (he filed), left me just about everything (I did not ask for), he would not talk to me, (I was going to al-anon) tried to save my marriage, 3 months after the divorce he got drunk and finally he called me, I run to rescue him but refused to get back with him, I told him that only after a year of honest sobriety we can talk, he told me or either I take him back now or I never again will hear from him, I stood by my request and he left.
He moved to another town, few months later I contacted him about his daughter and he call the police on me saying I was harrassing him, that was last time I contacted him, It has been almost a year now, I feel I need closure with him and work my step 9, I am not sure if he is still drinking or not all I know is that he doesn't talk to our children anymore and he is dating a much younger woman.
Is he a dry drunk? What shoudl I do about my 9 step, I know my part in the relationship I just want to apologize to him and move on, I am already in a good relationship with a non addictive loving man.Please advise. Thank you!
After a year sobriety my husband of 16 years left me, was nasty about the divorce (he filed), left me just about everything (I did not ask for), he would not talk to me, (I was going to al-anon) tried to save my marriage, 3 months after the divorce he got drunk and finally he called me, I run to rescue him but refused to get back with him, I told him that only after a year of honest sobriety we can talk, he told me or either I take him back now or I never again will hear from him, I stood by my request and he left.
He moved to another town, few months later I contacted him about his daughter and he call the police on me saying I was harrassing him, that was last time I contacted him, It has been almost a year now, I feel I need closure with him and work my step 9, I am not sure if he is still drinking or not all I know is that he doesn't talk to our children anymore and he is dating a much younger woman.
Is he a dry drunk? What shoudl I do about my 9 step, I know my part in the relationship I just want to apologize to him and move on, I am already in a good relationship with a non addictive loving man.Please advise. Thank you!
It helps to understand that alcoholism is a mental illness. In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says "alcohol is but a symptom ..." You stop drinking and then the really hard part begins: changing our character defects or we will drink again. This may help explain it: "if you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief". There are several options and probably more I don't know about. Cognitive therapy works great with recovering alcoholics and then there are the 12 Step program. But for most of us it's very important that we get into some program or therapy. People just don't change on their own.
Of course the most important part is the willingness of the alcoholic to stop drinking and work on changing. To begin the hard work of dealing with the self-centered fear, enormous ego coupled with low self-esteem, grandiosity, self-will and selfishness that characterize the disease of alcoholism.
I'm very happy you're building a good, solid life for yourself. I'm in recovery for 20 years and won't get involved with another alcoholic even if he is sober a long time.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Sobriety does not fix it all
Thank you so much for the reply, I am still heart broken but I know this shall come to pass, I guess is the feeling that he moves on, 16 years of our life and he just ignores his family, he dates and is "happy" doesn't makes amends, keeps going to AA, and I feel like I put the time and he leaves when gets sober?
I guess I am trying to rationalize crazy thinking? I have been so obsessed about trying to talk to him that I realized I am as obsessed to the alcoholic as the alcoolic is to the bottle.
I have been in al-anon for over two years now, so I know my part in it and I am working the 12 steps, I just need to give up trying to make sense of someone that makes no sense.
Thank you all.
I guess I am trying to rationalize crazy thinking? I have been so obsessed about trying to talk to him that I realized I am as obsessed to the alcoholic as the alcoolic is to the bottle.
I have been in al-anon for over two years now, so I know my part in it and I am working the 12 steps, I just need to give up trying to make sense of someone that makes no sense.
Thank you all.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
After I quit drinking, I realized one day that I didn't have a life. All I did was sit at home and drink. If alcohol wasn't involved, I didn't really want a part of it. If a restaurant didn't have alcohol, I didn't want to eat there, etc.
When I quit, I thought removing alcohol from my life would be the only thing that changed. Wow, was I wrong!! It's like I am having to rebuild myself from the ground up. I think alcohol used to define me. Now I have to define myself, but first I have to find out who I really am first.
Who the heck am I? How do others really perceive me? I've caught myself thinking about these things. Really trying to find myself again. It's almost like a clean slate, because alcohol not only made me alienate friends and family, but myself as well.
In a way, I was just ambivalant to everything, and life in general. Nothing really mattered when I drank.
I think that realization of these things can definitely make someone want to turn back and start drinking. It takes effort to reinvent yourself. I'm amazed at how alcohol controlled every aspect of my life.
And all that time I thought I was "relaxing and taking the edge off." I really fooled myself for a while.
When I quit, I thought removing alcohol from my life would be the only thing that changed. Wow, was I wrong!! It's like I am having to rebuild myself from the ground up. I think alcohol used to define me. Now I have to define myself, but first I have to find out who I really am first.
Who the heck am I? How do others really perceive me? I've caught myself thinking about these things. Really trying to find myself again. It's almost like a clean slate, because alcohol not only made me alienate friends and family, but myself as well.
In a way, I was just ambivalant to everything, and life in general. Nothing really mattered when I drank.
I think that realization of these things can definitely make someone want to turn back and start drinking. It takes effort to reinvent yourself. I'm amazed at how alcohol controlled every aspect of my life.
And all that time I thought I was "relaxing and taking the edge off." I really fooled myself for a while.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by ODAT63
To those of you sober for a while, please explain to me:
After a year sobriety my husband of 16 years left me, was nasty about the divorce (he filed), left me just about everything (I did not ask for), he would not talk to me, (I was going to al-anon) tried to save my marriage, 3 months after the divorce he got drunk and finally he called me, I run to rescue him but refused to get back with him, I told him that only after a year of honest sobriety we can talk, he told me or either I take him back now or I never again will hear from him, I stood by my request and he left.
He moved to another town, few months later I contacted him about his daughter and he call the police on me saying I was harrassing him, that was last time I contacted him, It has been almost a year now, I feel I need closure with him and work my step 9, I am not sure if he is still drinking or not all I know is that he doesn't talk to our children anymore and he is dating a much younger woman.
Is he a dry drunk? What shoudl I do about my 9 step, I know my part in the relationship I just want to apologize to him and move on, I am already in a good relationship with a non adictive loving man.
Please advise.
Thank you!
After a year sobriety my husband of 16 years left me, was nasty about the divorce (he filed), left me just about everything (I did not ask for), he would not talk to me, (I was going to al-anon) tried to save my marriage, 3 months after the divorce he got drunk and finally he called me, I run to rescue him but refused to get back with him, I told him that only after a year of honest sobriety we can talk, he told me or either I take him back now or I never again will hear from him, I stood by my request and he left.
He moved to another town, few months later I contacted him about his daughter and he call the police on me saying I was harrassing him, that was last time I contacted him, It has been almost a year now, I feel I need closure with him and work my step 9, I am not sure if he is still drinking or not all I know is that he doesn't talk to our children anymore and he is dating a much younger woman.
Is he a dry drunk? What shoudl I do about my 9 step, I know my part in the relationship I just want to apologize to him and move on, I am already in a good relationship with a non adictive loving man.
Please advise.
Thank you!
As far as your 9th step is concerned......hopefully you have a sponsor to talk it over with - someone who's intimately familiar with you, the whole situation and who's got the wisdom and experience to advise you. (you might get more experienced replies in the 12step sections of this message board).
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Originally Posted by blackoutgirl
After I quit drinking, I realized one day that I didn't have a life. All I did was sit at home and drink. If alcohol wasn't involved, I didn't really want a part of it. If a restaurant didn't have alcohol, I didn't want to eat there, etc.
When I quit, I thought removing alcohol from my life would be the only thing that changed. Wow, was I wrong!! It's like I am having to rebuild myself from the ground up. I think alcohol used to define me. Now I have to define myself, but first I have to find out who I really am first.
Who the heck am I? How do others really perceive me? I've caught myself thinking about these things. Really trying to find myself again. It's almost like a clean slate, because alcohol not only made me alienate friends and family, but myself as well.
In a way, I was just ambivalant to everything, and life in general. Nothing really mattered when I drank.
I think that realization of these things can definitely make someone want to turn back and start drinking. It takes effort to reinvent yourself. I'm amazed at how alcohol controlled every aspect of my life.
And all that time I thought I was "relaxing and taking the edge off." I really fooled myself for a while.
When I quit, I thought removing alcohol from my life would be the only thing that changed. Wow, was I wrong!! It's like I am having to rebuild myself from the ground up. I think alcohol used to define me. Now I have to define myself, but first I have to find out who I really am first.
Who the heck am I? How do others really perceive me? I've caught myself thinking about these things. Really trying to find myself again. It's almost like a clean slate, because alcohol not only made me alienate friends and family, but myself as well.
In a way, I was just ambivalant to everything, and life in general. Nothing really mattered when I drank.
I think that realization of these things can definitely make someone want to turn back and start drinking. It takes effort to reinvent yourself. I'm amazed at how alcohol controlled every aspect of my life.
And all that time I thought I was "relaxing and taking the edge off." I really fooled myself for a while.
Blackoutgirl, your post made me think about the early days of recovery, it was kind of a period of feeling like a fish out of water. Over the years I stopped spending time with relatives and friends who were not drinkers to the extent that when I quit my whole social circle was made up of people who were into celebrating everything with alcohol or substances.
I know that some people will say that sobriety has not kept them from going to places where there is a lot of drinking going on but that wasn't the case for me. I tried stopping at the bars after work with the drinking crowd and drinking soda while everyone else was getting plastered but it just wasn't fun any longer. The blaring music on DJ nights became annoying as opposed to the the old "rock on" and get as wasted as you possibly can attitude. Considering that everyone thought nothing of driving drunk at the end of the night it all began to seem kind of silly from a sober point of view.
There is a tremendous upside to sobriety though and it seems to be all about learning how to deal with everything life has to throw at you, the good, the bad and the ugly without needing to alter your state of consciousness. For me it is more of a long transition period as opposed to an instant transformation.
In a sense we all need to have some semblance of happiness and peace of mind in our lives or we will want to go back to your old ways. At a snails pace I began to figure out what needed to be added to my life and what needed to be subtracted. I had a lot that needed to be subtracted and I find myself adding new things all the time. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is that there is a world full of new things to choose from. I guess what it all boils down to is that quitting the substances is only the beginning of the journey, change and self improvement are an ongoing process.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
When I went to my first AA meeting this guy walked up to me and said "honey, this is going to sound rude, but to be quite frank.....just because you've stopped drinking, that don't mean the world won't still be just as f----d up when you're sober!"
And he was right.
And he was right.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I agree with all but #8.
Peace of mind/joy/sense of purpose is available immediately if one learns to pray and meditate properly. The key is to pray only for unselfish forms of prosperity.
Peace of mind/joy/sense of purpose is available immediately if one learns to pray and meditate properly. The key is to pray only for unselfish forms of prosperity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 729
After six years I have found that sobriety gave me the key to my cell. Once free I had the tools to find happiness and live life to the fullest because I choose to use those tools. One of those tools forced me to face life's demons and finally deal with them.
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