After I quit drinking, I realized one day that I didn't have a life. All I did was sit at home and drink. If alcohol wasn't involved, I didn't really want a part of it. If a restaurant didn't have alcohol, I didn't want to eat there, etc.
When I quit, I thought removing alcohol from my life would be the only thing that changed. Wow, was I wrong!! It's like I am having to rebuild myself from the ground up. I think alcohol used to define me. Now I have to define myself, but first I have to find out who I really am first.
Who the heck am I? How do others really perceive me? I've caught myself thinking about these things. Really trying to find myself again. It's almost like a clean slate, because alcohol not only made me alienate friends and family, but myself as well.
In a way, I was just ambivalant to everything, and life in general. Nothing really mattered when I drank.
I think that realization of these things can definitely make someone want to turn back and start drinking. It takes effort to reinvent yourself. I'm amazed at how alcohol controlled every aspect of my life.
And all that time I thought I was "relaxing and taking the edge off." I really fooled myself for a while.