geordieincanada

thanks in advance for the phenomenal help on this board.

I'm 27, been in Canada 5 years from England, and am 7 months clean and sober. I went through treatment in Guelph and have made strides to transform my life since. Recovery-wise, I feel fantastic.

I went into treatment wanting to kick a drink and drugs habit that worsened at a frightening pace, and address my clinical Depression. I've worked steps 1-12, and continue to apply them to my daily life at to the best of my ability. I have a great sponsor and a Home Group, am working with a sponsee and attend 3-5 meetings a week.

I separated from my spouse for the last year of my using. She knows everything that happened though did not witness it first hand, I hurt her immensely with my behaviour. 3 months after treatment, we decided to try in earnest to make the relationship work. We have 2 daughters, 3 and 5, and they love having Daddy back home. I am accountable, I prioritize my kids and family life right after my recovery, and I actually step up to the plate and HELP, doing my share with the kids, chores, working full-time, etc. In her mind, things are great...

But, they're not. Emotionally, I'm lost, completely disconnected. We're on different wavelengths, if that makes any sense.
Now that I am growing my Spirituality, I need communication, connection, an emotional bond, in my relationships. I have a spiritual mentor who is an Anglican Minister, and my sponsor, who both are an absolute God-send. I don't know where I'd be without them.
But my partner...sigh. She is reluctant to acknowledge the damage that my behaviour caused. She will not go anywhere near Al-anon or even speak to my sponsor's wife, as their previous conversation made her bitter, listening to the work she'd had to do and her enthusiasm regarding Al-Anon.

My wife did have Psychotherapy when I was drinking and using, but my life has changed dramatically since. She puts her work first and I see a lot of my old behaviour in her...but I feel unable to confront or question most things due to the guilt and shame I still feel at times through what I have done.

Sorry for the length here...but one example: She gets promoted next weekend at a ceremony in Ottawa, 6 hours from us. There's an open bar at the hotel. I advised I didn't feel comfortable attending, and she blew up, accusing me of being unsupportive.

I've noticed ladies in my CA group wanting to talk to me about it...but I should be able to talk to MY WIFE! She seems to hear, but not listen.

But who am I to say anything?!? We're looking to arrange counselling. I don't know what else to do.

Mark75

Hmmmmmmmm....

Seems you have a pretty good idea about what it is she should be doing regarding your recovery.



My wife is a card carrying member of alaNOT (on your life!!), LOL. And that's fine with me... whatever, you know? Bad enough I screwed the pooch some with my self will run riot... I sure as hell shouldn't tell her what she needs to do now... We have a strong relationship and we are happily married 28 years this fall. My recovery is just that, my recovery... she is not involved in any serious active way.

Go support your wife. Clearly it is important to her. You are seven months sober, you have a sponsor... and there are bound to be some meetings in Ottawa.

Just some thoughts...

geordieincanada

If I go to Ottawa, I don't expect to slip, but I'd miss my home group and Church, which are the foundation of my week. And as soon as the ceremonies are done Friday and Saturday, it's a big party. she won't be happy if i go to a meeting alone either, when we're supposed to be 'together', and she'd NOT come with.

Music

This is a good start. My wife was sober almost a year before me. She was advised to not make any major changes in the first year. When I came to AA, we were told to go to counselling, one on one and family, as well as together. We did!! It worked! We were married 15 years when AA came into our lives. We'll be married 50 years this coming December. Work your program first. Invite her to counseling just to try it. Don't harp on her about what she understands or not, or what she's feeling. Nagging doesn't help. Set the example for her that AA works and show some visible improvment. Remember, attraction rather than promotion.

geordieincanada

I've not confronted, suggested, or requested anything in relation to what I WANT her to do in support of my recovery. I meant it when I said I feel unable to bring up these things because she's been to hell and back through MY behaviour, and who the hell am i to say what I think would improve the relationship!? My thoughts and best intentions got me into treatment, and almost to the grave.

It's hard to address an issue, when one party won't even acknowledge it's there. She sees recovery as my thing, I'm doing what I'm supposed to, I'm having more good days than bad, so let's just be nice to eachother and everything's going to be just fine.

Or is this just me being selfish, unreasonable, impatient and arrogant, and resulting to old ways of thinking? I can't connect to my WIFE in anything other than superficial conversation or in relation to her daily life. It's like the more i delve into my recovery, the the greater distance between us. Or do I just expect to trudge this part of the road alone?

Mark75

I can relate. That is how it was for us at seven months. Still is sometimes. Music said it better then I did... "Set the example..."

You know, this is huge for us, recovery. To non alcoholics/addicts... we are just doing what we should have been doing all along. That "dark night of the soul" thing... we go there alone, and with God. Not necessarily with our spouse.

geordieincanada

I don't nag, I've given up even trying to approach the issue. I DO work my program, I'm immersed in my recovery, the changes in my life are remarkable. We have date nights, we spend time together, I ask her about her life, her work, her day, anything I can do to help...

AA and God has changed my life and she sees it, she believes it. I am full of hope, serenity and belief. But I feel completely disconnected at home. We've been together 6 years.

Mark75

BTW... This is an awesome topic you bring to the forum, thank you. I've yet to see this particular issue brought here with the finesse you have.

geordieincanada

I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, remember! I didn't get up with the intention of writing this post, I was guided. I don't know what the plan is, but I know it's good.

Music

Look....don't take what I say personally. You don't need to defend yourself here. I'm just sharing my experience. I kept drinking for a year while my wife got sober. I just didn't drink in the house. I felt disconnected too and the prospect of her calling it quits was very real. I had to make my own decision in my own time whether or not I wanted our relationship to continue. Give it time and continue to concentrate on yourself so that no matter what happens, you won't throw yourself under the bus.

2granddaughters

It will all work out as time goes by. Keep working your program and things will progressively get better (perfect, maybe not).
You addressed your problems when it was time to do so and your wife will do the same. Be there for the kids.
Maybe see you at a meeting one day. I worked with some good Newcastle tradesmen in years past. Keep "on the beam" and life will improve.

Best to you.

Bob R. (from near Windsor)

Mark75

There was something in "the family afterwards" chapter of the big book... about our spiritual awakening... and how we somehow want that to happen right now for everyone else... Maybe it applies?

geordieincanada

Can't thank you all enough. Thing is...I thought once I approached my recovery with the focus it requires, everything would be brilliant. Maybe I am expecting too much from this too soon...7 months is a drop in the ocean, she put up with 6 years of pure self-seeking on my part.

I just pray it works. I've already left her once, albeit clouded by my disease. I couldn't bear to do it again.

Adipsia

Way-aye !

I usually spend my time around the Friends and Family board, as my ex-partner was a chronic alcoholic and I can easily see things from the perspective of those affected, but there is something that I've noticed about alcoholics that have literally seen "the light". This dis-ease has the potential to turn people who were a menace to their families and society into incredibly aware people who live their lives in the present moment.

Conversely, I see non-alcoholic family members, who initially come across as the sane parties in these situations, seemingly take a backward step or be overtaken from a spiritual level by addicts who have learned a lesson that their partners will never even approach understanding. And without wanting to project too much on to your relationship as you've portrayed it, my gut-feel is that your growth may well be the issue.

Quite how much of this is fundamentally down to her resentment over what you put her through when you were drinking, and how much of it is perceived as a threat by someone who has effectively had a "head transplant", is probably the big question. I'm not sure but if I were a betting man, I'd be prepared to wager that it's around 50:50.

When you're living with an alcoholic partner, more than anything else you want the same person back, but clean and sober. The problem is that once sobriety sets in - even leaving aside any kind "enlightenment" - the person you get back is not the same and that's potentially very threatening. Not everyone is ready for a relationship with Superman, not that I ever envisaged one being created in the NE of England.

All joking aside, I think you need to find some way to sit down with your wife and address these issues in a non-confrontational way. Leaving aside counselling for the moment, do you have any impartial close-friends or family members that could - and would be prepared to - be brought in to help smooth things ?

Best wishes,

Peter

geordieincanada

Thanks Adipsia. Truth hurts but subconsciously, I know.

Adipsia

You're welcome, I wish you all the best. As an aside, I notice that someone mentioned the word "finesse" above... it's not often that the words "finesse" and "Newcastle" appear in the same posting. ;-)

Programmatic

My wife and I are both in recovery.

My observation has been that things are changing, both of us are changing and we are learning how to live together all over again (we've been married 12 years).

Change is unfamiliar and largely unpleasant for both of us. I tend to look at the unpleasantness of changing as the same level of pain experienced while working out at a gym. No pain no gain and the pain is an indicator that you're gaining. She seems to really balk hard at this discomfort and characterize it as if it doesn't feel good then it must not be good and vocalizes that the relationship feels as if it were growing apart.

I figure I'm lucky to have my perspective and I figure that she has some things working for her that I don't with regards to being in touch with emotion and communicating feelings. In short, I focus on accepting that we are both growing and changing at different paces in different ways. Our recoveries are independent of one another, something neither of us is historically comfortable with.

Thus, I accept that as things change things will be uncomfortable and that the other person will likely behave in ways I do not like. I just remember she has to live with me too. I'm equally difficult to understand and relate to. The only requirement for a relationship is a desire to be in it. We're both still present so that indicates some desire to stay. I've found that I can still participate in a relationship even when the other person isn't. It's entirely about my behavior and attitude regardless of the other person's ability to relate, honor or even acknowledge the existence of the relationship.

TheJungianThing

There's so much in this thread that resonates with my experience and has been said.

I think the most intimate discussion my wife and I had about my drinking days came around 6-7 years sober. She's only been to 1 Anniversary meeting, my first. Other than that AA is my deal and she knows that the life AA has given me benfits her too. But she's not been to an Al-Anon meeting, won't go. It isn't stubborn as much she doesn't think she needs it. I don't think she does either. Of the two of us my wife is much more well balanced. I used to think she stayed with me because of my job, she actually stayed because chose to and because she loves me. How humbling is that ?

At this point I've been sober and married to her longer than I was drunk and married to her. It was the point at which my sponsor said I could leave if I wanted to do so. Single guys are told to wait a year, I was told that as long as she doesn't leave - I"m not to leave her for as long as she stayed with me while drinking. As Fate/God would have it right around that mark at 6 years our relationship took off in a new dimension. Our first child was born. At 8 years our twins were born. We're closer than ever and I secretly cry tears of joy when I see her with our children. All she ever wanted to do was be a mommy. My drinking and some issues of hers postponed that for over half our marriage. I'll leave it to your imagination what I said to her when she tried to implicate my drinking as a possible cause for not being able to get her pregnant.

Thank God I'm out of the business of determining what I deserve. Working on my relationship with her just meant - pursuing my spiritual growth and not foisting it upon her. Waiting as Adipsia intimated for the right times, the right words, with tact, finesse, and only when she was open to a discussion about those years or had questions about those years. I don't get to "feel better" about us by making demands of her. I get to adapt, learn, rediscover her for who she is and fall in love all over again.

That's how it's been going on my end. If I were to write a book as to how to have a good relationship it'd be a very short book. One page, three words - "I don't know".

:rotfxko

Good luck.

BASEjumper

Will missing one weekend of church and a meeting have such an impact on your sobriety that you can't attend your wife's promotion ceremony?

NYCDoglvr

You're correct, seven months is very little time. I know nothing about your wife, but when I came in (20 years ago) I was told "change or die" and that the person who walked in these doors will drink again. I had to work like a demon on my character defects, some I didn't even see for a decade or so. Alcohol is the tip of the iceberg ... as Bill W says in the Big Book "alcohol was but a symptom. Sobriety is its own reward.

Practice accepting that your wife doesn't understand anything about sobriety and she doesn't need to either. Only fellow alcoholics understand. If she wants to go to an event where alcohol is served then fine, she can go. Her feelings about it are her problem. You just don't go.

Now that you're sober of course your relationship has changed. I suggest getting to 365 days and talking with your sponsor about it. "Life on life's terms" can be a real bitch, I know.

Congrats on seven months!