Recovery VS Relationship
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I think that the balance of power in a relationship changes with sobriety. Perpetually drunk people are easily manipulated, intentionally or not. Habits get formed without question or reason.
Figuring out my relationship with my wife as a sober person has actually turned out to be the biggest challenge "in" (not "to") my sobriety. We've had some giant fights that I hate. I don't have a choice--getting drunk isn't and really never was a solution. I'm only a hundred days in. I'm just trying to be good and have faith that it will get better.
Figuring out my relationship with my wife as a sober person has actually turned out to be the biggest challenge "in" (not "to") my sobriety. We've had some giant fights that I hate. I don't have a choice--getting drunk isn't and really never was a solution. I'm only a hundred days in. I'm just trying to be good and have faith that it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
From my own experience in recovery, I can say that a recovering alcoholic can be pretty self-involved. This is important for the whole change process, but can be ghastly hard on a partner.
It's easy to get lost in the enthusiasm of the "I have experienced a spiritual transformation! I am reborn! I am all about my own new beginning!" when the partner has been there through the vomit and stained sheets and cruelty.
I was the alcoholic in my marriage, and my (ex) husband was pretty sober. And I know I was obnoxious about my new found ideas. He was the one who had been scared when I passed out and breathing slowed down etc. There is a healing process that takes time - perhaps years.
Give her that time if you love her. Be generous, and don't be all about your own recovery all the time. Ego is a disease which promotes addiction. Generosity is a medicine for that disease.
It's easy to get lost in the enthusiasm of the "I have experienced a spiritual transformation! I am reborn! I am all about my own new beginning!" when the partner has been there through the vomit and stained sheets and cruelty.
I was the alcoholic in my marriage, and my (ex) husband was pretty sober. And I know I was obnoxious about my new found ideas. He was the one who had been scared when I passed out and breathing slowed down etc. There is a healing process that takes time - perhaps years.
Give her that time if you love her. Be generous, and don't be all about your own recovery all the time. Ego is a disease which promotes addiction. Generosity is a medicine for that disease.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Thank you for posting this. Selfishly, it's a helpful perspective for me to think about.
From my own personal recovery experience, I totally can see what Adipsia is saying. I went to counseling, dealt with demons I never knew I had, became 'enlightened', and my entire life changed. My husband was never really 'codependent' or an enabler. Maybe a 'tolerator'. His life really didn't have to change when mine did. My entire being, inside and out went through such a transformation I doubt I could ever come close to explaining it to him. I hold my recovery journey very dear and close to my soul. I don't even want anyone (spouse included) to 'get it', because how could they? That sure doesn't fix the day to day relationship issues that can pop up, but hopefully there's a foundation to help you two stick together long enough for the wrinkles to start smoothing out for you.
Very interesting thoughts.. thank you everyone for contributing to this with such introspection and thoughtfulness.
From my own personal recovery experience, I totally can see what Adipsia is saying. I went to counseling, dealt with demons I never knew I had, became 'enlightened', and my entire life changed. My husband was never really 'codependent' or an enabler. Maybe a 'tolerator'. His life really didn't have to change when mine did. My entire being, inside and out went through such a transformation I doubt I could ever come close to explaining it to him. I hold my recovery journey very dear and close to my soul. I don't even want anyone (spouse included) to 'get it', because how could they? That sure doesn't fix the day to day relationship issues that can pop up, but hopefully there's a foundation to help you two stick together long enough for the wrinkles to start smoothing out for you.
Very interesting thoughts.. thank you everyone for contributing to this with such introspection and thoughtfulness.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
I obviously am not you, but I relate to your sense of disconnect with your wife though I am a wife of an AH. I knew my AH and I lost our *connection*, and when he went into recovery, I knew it would be a journey to regain it; though I never doubted it could/would happen in time as long as he kept working on his own recovery. Unfortunately my AH was so determined to get me into Al-Anon that it seemed to affect his own recovery. The more determined he was that I would do that, the more certain I was that it wasn't going to happen simply on principal. I had done plenty of reading, had seen several counselors, and had been to al-anon well before he ever attempted to recover. Not too long thereafter, he gave up on his own recovery. He is now back to square one...he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. 
Focus on your own recovery. If my marriage was repairable, my AH's focus on his own recovery was the key to discovering this.
...and be thankful she is still with you. I had many reasons to be gone, but choose to give him this chance.
Focus on your own recovery. If my marriage was repairable, my AH's focus on his own recovery was the key to discovering this.
...and be thankful she is still with you. I had many reasons to be gone, but choose to give him this chance.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Great thread, I'm going to come back and read this again. A couple of quick thoughts come to mind.
The first is, go to Ottawa and be there to celebrate your wife's promotion. It means a lot to her, be honored that she wants to share it with you. (She could have kicked your ass out to the curb when you were drinking, she didn't, you owe her one (at least)).
The second thing is, recovery takes time. There is your recovery from alcohol and then there is the recovery of your marriage. You don't get to decide how quickly your marriage recovers, you were separated for a year, it's going to take time. Unfortunately, we alcoholics are an impatient bunch.
The first is, go to Ottawa and be there to celebrate your wife's promotion. It means a lot to her, be honored that she wants to share it with you. (She could have kicked your ass out to the curb when you were drinking, she didn't, you owe her one (at least)).
The second thing is, recovery takes time. There is your recovery from alcohol and then there is the recovery of your marriage. You don't get to decide how quickly your marriage recovers, you were separated for a year, it's going to take time. Unfortunately, we alcoholics are an impatient bunch.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
I'm the wife of a somewhat recovering alcholic, or just an alcholic that has quit drinking, no recovery plan in place or being worked.
Reading about how some of you realize that it takes years, and hearing the frustration of those whom are newer in to sobriety have a hard time with - why isn't or spouse on board with my program yet and things should be better! Makes me feel relieved that what I see in my STBXAH is dealing with.
We/I tried talking to him about the divorce last night and in a real quick sum up of the converstation - the divorce is my fault - he has done no wrong - I have all the issues - I haven't really tried to make a marriage work after he quit drinking. Its so frustrating to hear those words. I feel like I have been there, I have let him have his space to recover, only once he asked me to participate possibly in counseling, and that was only when he was a month sober and made to go to counseling via the courts. I of course was no where ready or wanting to go at that point.
It is very hard for me as the sober wife to understand why you the recovering A's want us to forget all the hurt, to just move on and be happy, don't we the sober spouses have a right to heal in our on time! If you are truly in recovery do they teach you that or help you learn that. That months of not drinking, but actions and thoughts that we observed while you were drinking just makes us not want to be apart of it.
Maybe someone can shed some light on something for me. Do I love my husband, yes some where I probably do. Do I blame him for all the things that have been horrible in our marriage, to an extent but yet do have some sort of grasp that because of his alcholism he was unable to control these things and for that somewhere I know I have forgiven him. Why else did I stay for 12 years. But really can someone tell me after 2 Owi's, jail time, the financial burden of drinking and fines and lawyers. That after his last one, I filed, then decided not to divorce him, maybe it was really his bottom, he maintained sobriety for around 7 monthsish, went back drinking and driving, did not have a plan to help to stay sober or find AA or anything. and so after he went back drinking, I said it was enough... I filed. Where in that, did I do wrong that he turns it all around on me.
Thanks so much for any insight!
Reading about how some of you realize that it takes years, and hearing the frustration of those whom are newer in to sobriety have a hard time with - why isn't or spouse on board with my program yet and things should be better! Makes me feel relieved that what I see in my STBXAH is dealing with.
We/I tried talking to him about the divorce last night and in a real quick sum up of the converstation - the divorce is my fault - he has done no wrong - I have all the issues - I haven't really tried to make a marriage work after he quit drinking. Its so frustrating to hear those words. I feel like I have been there, I have let him have his space to recover, only once he asked me to participate possibly in counseling, and that was only when he was a month sober and made to go to counseling via the courts. I of course was no where ready or wanting to go at that point.
It is very hard for me as the sober wife to understand why you the recovering A's want us to forget all the hurt, to just move on and be happy, don't we the sober spouses have a right to heal in our on time! If you are truly in recovery do they teach you that or help you learn that. That months of not drinking, but actions and thoughts that we observed while you were drinking just makes us not want to be apart of it.
Maybe someone can shed some light on something for me. Do I love my husband, yes some where I probably do. Do I blame him for all the things that have been horrible in our marriage, to an extent but yet do have some sort of grasp that because of his alcholism he was unable to control these things and for that somewhere I know I have forgiven him. Why else did I stay for 12 years. But really can someone tell me after 2 Owi's, jail time, the financial burden of drinking and fines and lawyers. That after his last one, I filed, then decided not to divorce him, maybe it was really his bottom, he maintained sobriety for around 7 monthsish, went back drinking and driving, did not have a plan to help to stay sober or find AA or anything. and so after he went back drinking, I said it was enough... I filed. Where in that, did I do wrong that he turns it all around on me.
Thanks so much for any insight!
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