I don't understand!?!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
I don't understand!?!
In my opinion my husband is an alcoholic. For many years he drank heavily. At first he just drank beer. Eventually his drink of choice was Yukon Jack. It got to the point where we fought over his drinking constantly. He would get violent (breaking furniture, kicking doors in, etc.) I would find his bottles stashed all over (in drawers, under furniture, in the basement, etc). Then one day he went to the doctor complaining about fatigue. The doctor did a bunch of tests and found that my husband had Hepatitis C. His doctor told him he needed to quit drinking immediately and completely. To my surprise he did. What a difference! I fell in love with him all over again! A month or two after he quit he went to the doctor again complaining of anxiety. His doctor gave him xanax. I didn't think much of it because I didn't know what it was. About nine months later he started drinking again. At first it was hardly even detectable. Within a few months it got to the point of him getting stumbling drunk every day off of work. Now he is drinking & taking xanax. I decided to leave him at this point. We have been separated for 5 months now and the divorce is in the works. All this time I have told him that I was willing to try and make it work if he quit drinking altogether. He claims he wants me back. He has gone to a few speratic AA meetings. He is definetly drinking a lot less. But he still is drinking. Sometimes maybe only 1 or 2 beers. He swears that he can control it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he can. If he can, then why drink the 1 or 2 at all?? He knows I won't take him back if he drinks at all. I'm afraid that it will eventually spiral out of control like it had in the past. At the same time I feel like I'm being rediculous to worry over a beer or 2. Any thoughts?? Thanks.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 23
Our2jz...at some point one must make a decision...what are you willing to accept in your life...the best and worse thing that ever happened to me was when my wife ask me to leave...and that was when I had 5 weeks of meetings...but boy was I miserable over the first 5 weeks...and darn miserable for the next 2 months as I tryed my level best to "make things ok"...it was being alone that forced me to see that this wasn't about the relationship per se...it was about me...how I walked through the world...I was put in a position where I was 'forced to change'...or go back to drinking...some years later and I am no longer married to her...but I appreciate the courage and conviction that she demonstrated...frankly, I don't know that I'd ever achieved what I have if she hadn't stopped the co-dependent behavior...if she hadn't stopped takeing me back every time I replapsed...one can only be responsible for their own search for happiness...we hope and pray that our loved ones in addiction will learn that they to are responsible for this part of their journey...whether he is an alcoholic or not--is not the question he will have to come to his own understanding...and only thru full comprehension of the 1st step of the 12-step program---I can only say that sometimes the relationship impedes the movement to recovery...we wake up and try to heal all that which lies outside us...when in truth we need to heal self first...this is what is called the selfish part of teh program...I could not be anything to my wife...until I understood the truth about myself...I wish you well...try some alanon meeting and maybe you'll discover a journey that will help you heal and understand these issues better...with respect--dr dave
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
I suggest you check out our Forum...Friends and Family.
As a recovered alcoholic...I think...
1 is too many and 1000 not enough.
Hope you can find answers that work for you..
I suggest you check out our Forum...Friends and Family.
As a recovered alcoholic...I think...
1 is too many and 1000 not enough.
Hope you can find answers that work for you..
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
There is no such thing as "controlled drinking" for an alcoholic and your fears of your husband drinking even one beer are genuine.
Xanax is itself a very addictive drug and combined with alcohol the effects can be serious.
Alcoholism is a continuing and progressive illness that will only continue to get worse. The only known treatment for alcoholism is complete abstinence.
I am an alcoholic and as long as was in the grips of my disease I was being driven by a force that was more powerful than my love of my family, friends, God or even myself....
Take care of you......go to Alanon meetings.......learn to recognize the things over which you are powerless and the things which you can change.......
Xanax is itself a very addictive drug and combined with alcohol the effects can be serious.
Alcoholism is a continuing and progressive illness that will only continue to get worse. The only known treatment for alcoholism is complete abstinence.
I am an alcoholic and as long as was in the grips of my disease I was being driven by a force that was more powerful than my love of my family, friends, God or even myself....
Take care of you......go to Alanon meetings.......learn to recognize the things over which you are powerless and the things which you can change.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
I think you are anything but ridiculous to worry over a beer or 2. There is no such thing as a couple being insignificant. I have learned that over the years I don't need to be drunk to be insanely consumed with the THOUGHT of drinking.
Sounds like your husband has won you over alittle on comprimise. 2 months is not that long at all for your hubby to live sober,....although I think it was great he got some relief and came back to you alittle after the diagnosis of Hepatitis C, his disease got the best of him and he began to comprimise. That is what alcholism does....he had a taste of sobriety but went back and now is trying to convince you it's no big deal.
First, how do YOU know he is only drinking one or two? It is very telling that he "hid" bottles, cans, etc. from you in the past. Alchoholics are EXPERTS at diversion.
Second, you had repeated fights about his drinking...obvious regretful behavior....how much more is too much? My favorite truth is "the definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome"? hmmmm
Third, I believe you are right to hold your husband accountable. As sad and hard it is for you to have to go through separation, lonliness...and believe me my heart goes out to you and if you have any children...you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family to have him face his demons.
Please don't excuse this. As my best buddy on this forum always says..."A loving kick in the Ass is better than a selfish pat on the back>>".... or in your case "a comprimising pat on the back"... You and your family have come to a crossroad with your husbands addictive, "comprimising" and yes, selfish behavior. He needs to own up to his issue and lose the love of the drink over his family!!!!!!!!!! But he needs to do it for him first...and that is to accept he can't drink again AT ALL!
God bless you. Reading your post reminds me of how hideous my behavior was to my loved ones. All the insane excuses at their expense. I don't ever want to deal with losing my family over a temporary buzz. It only wreaks heartache and no light at end of tunnel.
Sounds like your husband has won you over alittle on comprimise. 2 months is not that long at all for your hubby to live sober,....although I think it was great he got some relief and came back to you alittle after the diagnosis of Hepatitis C, his disease got the best of him and he began to comprimise. That is what alcholism does....he had a taste of sobriety but went back and now is trying to convince you it's no big deal.
First, how do YOU know he is only drinking one or two? It is very telling that he "hid" bottles, cans, etc. from you in the past. Alchoholics are EXPERTS at diversion.
Second, you had repeated fights about his drinking...obvious regretful behavior....how much more is too much? My favorite truth is "the definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome"? hmmmm
Third, I believe you are right to hold your husband accountable. As sad and hard it is for you to have to go through separation, lonliness...and believe me my heart goes out to you and if you have any children...you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family to have him face his demons.
Please don't excuse this. As my best buddy on this forum always says..."A loving kick in the Ass is better than a selfish pat on the back>>".... or in your case "a comprimising pat on the back"... You and your family have come to a crossroad with your husbands addictive, "comprimising" and yes, selfish behavior. He needs to own up to his issue and lose the love of the drink over his family!!!!!!!!!! But he needs to do it for him first...and that is to accept he can't drink again AT ALL!
God bless you. Reading your post reminds me of how hideous my behavior was to my loved ones. All the insane excuses at their expense. I don't ever want to deal with losing my family over a temporary buzz. It only wreaks heartache and no light at end of tunnel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
Thank you for the responses. Like always, Everyones input is very helpful!
Bradley ~ You're right that I don't know that it is only a couple of beers, but what I do know is it is much less than what he was drinking before. I know he is not stumbling around and I know that the smell of alcohol doesn't consume the room when he walks in.
You are right though, a beer or two is too much. If I take him back now, what have I gained by the separation? Nothing. He is still a drinker...I just have to be reminded of that from time to time! Thanks again.
Bradley ~ You're right that I don't know that it is only a couple of beers, but what I do know is it is much less than what he was drinking before. I know he is not stumbling around and I know that the smell of alcohol doesn't consume the room when he walks in.
You are right though, a beer or two is too much. If I take him back now, what have I gained by the separation? Nothing. He is still a drinker...I just have to be reminded of that from time to time! Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Our2jz, again my heart goes out to you. I have no place telling you what to do. I am a strong believer in marriage so by no means I am recommending divorce. I do however agree with you that what gain do you have accepting his drinking no matter how "small". Why was he hiding bottles before if it was not an issue? Who hides bottles that is in control?
He may not be stumbling around but I never did that and still had a problem. Hopefully he will own up to himself what is best for HIM. It may take several more years ...just hopefully will not be a tragic turnaround like losing you, his job or God forbid hurting someone in a car or something like that.
Eventually it will rule his life if it has not done that yet. Seems to me he more than likely is trying out his best behavior around you because he realizes it IS an issue. Now let me end with this very important FACT.....WHY DOES HE DRINK ONE OR TWO STILL IF HE KNOWS YOU WANT HIM TO STOP ENTIRELY?????? If he doesn't have a problem he would not be ending his marriage over a couple "controlled" drinks.
It's because he can't stop for now for what ever reason he has told himself. He is trying to see if you will accept this so he can have his cake and eat it too. My boyfriend was/is too accomodating to me. If I only drink one or two around him he could care less if i stop. I, unfortuaately am alot different than I was 10 years ago...shoot one year ago...I have physical issues that have just come on in the last 6 months that really upset me when I drink only one or two. And the constant DESIRE to drink more is a prison. I had to come to terms with myself to stop and stop completely. Not for him but ME.
Most people have never seen me drunk or would ever suspect me as having a problem. But if I don't stop now I'll lose it..trust me. So you have a right to be concerned in my book AND have even more rights to give him an ultimatum on no alchohol.
He may not be stumbling around but I never did that and still had a problem. Hopefully he will own up to himself what is best for HIM. It may take several more years ...just hopefully will not be a tragic turnaround like losing you, his job or God forbid hurting someone in a car or something like that.
Eventually it will rule his life if it has not done that yet. Seems to me he more than likely is trying out his best behavior around you because he realizes it IS an issue. Now let me end with this very important FACT.....WHY DOES HE DRINK ONE OR TWO STILL IF HE KNOWS YOU WANT HIM TO STOP ENTIRELY?????? If he doesn't have a problem he would not be ending his marriage over a couple "controlled" drinks.
It's because he can't stop for now for what ever reason he has told himself. He is trying to see if you will accept this so he can have his cake and eat it too. My boyfriend was/is too accomodating to me. If I only drink one or two around him he could care less if i stop. I, unfortuaately am alot different than I was 10 years ago...shoot one year ago...I have physical issues that have just come on in the last 6 months that really upset me when I drink only one or two. And the constant DESIRE to drink more is a prison. I had to come to terms with myself to stop and stop completely. Not for him but ME.
Most people have never seen me drunk or would ever suspect me as having a problem. But if I don't stop now I'll lose it..trust me. So you have a right to be concerned in my book AND have even more rights to give him an ultimatum on no alchohol.
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