GregMan

I've been around the fellowship long enough to "know better" than to engage in a new relationship so early in sobriety. I would have felt like I was on safe grounds had I not relapsed 3 weeks ago. Worst part? In this early phase of getting to know this woman, I don't have it in me to talk about my alcohol history. Shes younger than me, RARELY drinks, is gifted and intelligent. I feel like with her, I will never need to drink, we have allot in common other than my alcohol abuse. Am I being a fool? Should my past with alcohol be upfront and in her face from the get-go? I don't have enough confidence yet to beleive that anyone would want to get into a new relationship with someone who had such un-understood baggage. A persistent feeling of mine is loneliness and I'm tired of it.

Dee74

I don;t know if you're a fool but I know my priority had to be recovery - without a solid grounding in that everything else, including relationships, were pretty much doomed to failure anyway, in my experience

I was no good for any relationship until I learnt who sober me was, and until I learned to comfortable in my own company.

That took some time and some work.

Loneliness is not a really great reason to start a new relationship IMO, Greg. I was lonely too, for many years...I was far better dealing with the reasons why I was lonely, rather than trying to 'solve it' by bringing someone else into my chaos.

I was a far better partner for someone having done that work - I met someone at 6 months and over 4 years later we're still together

D

2granddaughters

Sounds like you are being selfish again, you fear that she'll drop you if she knows "the truth". It's all about YOU again.
The baggage isn't un-understood ... it's very well understood !! We are loose cannons !!

You are trying to pull the wool over her eyes and she should be advised. Just my $0.02 Canadian.

What does your sponsor say about this situation ??

Bob R.

Tuffgirl

GregMan, relationships are built on respect and trust. Tell her and give her the chance to decide for herself how she feels about it all. At worst, she will bow out, but you will know that you acted with integrity and respect toward her regardless of what she does with it.

kiki5711

Well, I think at the moment you are "infatuated" with her. I personally would not disclose about your alcoholism until you get to know her better, unless you want scare her away.

Why not just take time, date, don't rush and see how it evolves.

onlythetruth

I'll tell you what, if I got into a serious relationship with a guy and found out that he had withheld the fact that he had just quit drinking after a period of being addicted to alcohol, and that he had KEPT that from me, that would be an instant dealbreaker.

INSTANT.

Of course, there is no reason to start disclosing personal history on the first date, or even the second or third. But eventually, it must be addressed. And if it's something you can't handle discussing yet, it's probably best not to get into a relationship at all, until you are.

Sapling

Not real sure what being around the fellowship long enough means....Have you been around long enough to work the program??...The steps? Do you have a sponsor? I don't know...I'm pretty new in AA but I knew enough to get my own life together before bringing someone elses's into it. It would only be fair to her and to me if I had relapsed 3 weeks ago...To hold off on that. That will come in time for me...I've screwed up one marriage and enough relationships because of alcohol to drag another one down.

IrishHandcuffs

Man, it sounds like your in the position I was in when I found up marrying my wife. We have two kids with a third on the way now and it is getting better. But I was not able to live as a sober alcoholic with a wife naive to it, it was very hard to come clean after hiding it for so long, not fun and not healthy for a relationship. It's been very very hard for us but I knew she was the right one for me. Be careful and be honest.

heathersweeds

I want you to have fun with this but I also want to be honest and tell you to be careful!!! I was told once alcoholics, take hostages. So watch your motives. If youve been in program awhile do some soul searching to readjust. I so understand being lonely and the excitement of new!! As in any relationship the newness wears off and the drink will be calling again if you dont keep up your recovery. No one person on this earth could cure that. Good luck and keep us posted.

rws177

I would say this is a sticky situation. You say that with her around you will not feel the need to drink. Your probably right about this. Now fast forward 5 months and your still sober and dating her. Then something happens and she for whatever breaks up with you (hypathetically of course). Will you have the tools needed to stay sober? You could potenially feel hurt, crushed and angry because of the break up. That compounded with the fact that she was your "rock" or anchor in sobriety makes it so much harder.

Iv'e been down this road before and had to learn the hardway......I wish you the best.

ForeverDecember

I've thought about this a bit. I wasn't sure if I should reply or not, but you asked an honest question and are looking for honest feedback.

The biggest red flag was this line: "I feel like with her, I will never need to drink". What an incredibly unfair thing to say. For her and for you. Imagine you do stay together... after the honeymoon period is over you get into a fight. You want to punish her. She's the reason you stay sober, it's her fault you're not happy right now, you'll show her, you'll get so drunk that she'll realise how good you really are, you'll show her what she could've been getting and now she'll know to appreciate you more.

It also means that you're, in effect, giving her the key to your sobriety, which is so incredibly unfair. This woman is not here to make you a better person, you need to do that on your own. If you hadn't just relapsed, it might be a different story, but from how I see it - being a woman, a big sister, an alcoholic - I think it's a very selfish thing to do at this moment. It's not fair to dump such a big problem on this girl. She may stay with you because so many girls have a desire to save little wounded animals, but ulitimately - if she is really as special as you say then it's just not right to put her through this. I personally think it's unfair even to give her a choice to stay or go right now because even the question is so loaded - if she doesn't want to be with you anymore because of it then she will feel like the bad guy. If she stays with you and things go pear-shaped, she'll be miserable.

Personally I would bow out of this courtship, and focus on myself, if I were you. Alcoholics aren't fun to date, and if you want a good relationship you need it to be with yourself first. She may still be there when you are ready for a relationship, and if she's not then it was for a reason, and your true soul mate will be around the corner soon.

I don't envy your situation

GregMan

In the end, I went out with her twice. The first night we went bowling, and I ordered two non-alcoholic beers, despite better wisdom from a sponsor. The second night I hung out with her, we went to a movie, and then went to a restaurant/bar where her roomate was hanging out at. Her roomate and boyfriend were drinking, and my date ordered a glass of wine, but I held my composure. Soon after though her roomate's boyfriend got arrogant and pissed me off a bit, and I had a huge craving for a drink. His stupidity wasn't directed at me, but I craved an old offensive characteristic that I don't really feel passionate about anymore as a normal, sober person. I really don't feel like arguing or fighting with people anymore. If their idiots or cocky morons, I just wish them the best....... BIG difference from the egotistical drunk I was. As hard as it might be from reading my starting thread, I AM actually pretty honest.