phoenix632

Hello there,
I literally googled "I'm struggling with alcohol and need help" and this site popped up. So, I'm struggling with alcohol and need help. I hope this is where I'm supposed to be. I'm new to this so I don't really know what I'm supposed to say. I guess I can say that every single morning I wake up and I tell myself that today is the day and I'm never going to drink again. I repeat this battle cry all day long to myself that I'm not going to drink, but then at about 4:00, some urge/voice/feeling/compulsion inside me takes over and regardless of what I've been telling myself all day, at about 6:00 I drive straight to the bar and start drinking, get drunk and go home. It's the same story every day. The thing that takes over in the late afternoon is something I don't understand and it's hard to describe, but it's in control when it comes to what I do after work. Anyway, I wish I could feel just as resolute about not drinking at 4:00-6:00 in the afternoon as I do in the mornings. Like I feel right now.

This has been going on for 3 years (to a lesser degree for 15 years, but these last 3 have been hard core.)
I'm 39.
I'm male.
I'm married with kids.
I have a good job and am financially stable.
I have every reason in the world to be happy, but I'm not.
I feel like a loser.
I feel guilty.

If I'm supposed to post a question, I guess mine is- is there something I can do to break the late afternoon spell that I fall prey to everyday? Is there some trick, hack, shot, pill or antidote that I can take to break out of it? Is there anyone willing to wait by my car around 6:00 to slap me in the face and tell me to go home every night for a week?

Maybe there are some questions that I'm not asking out loud that can help me? I'm pretty lost if you can't tell.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and for your thoughts!

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

I wish I could say yes, there is an easy way to quit drinking. There isn't. As I often see posted, quitting is simple, but it isn't easy. As you are finding out, vows to quit, promises, sheer will power doesn't hold much weight against addiction.

I would suggest you read through these threads, see how common your story is and what people did to succeed at what you are trying to do. Start reseaching recovery methods, pick one, and start doing the work to get sober. You can do this. It starts by NOT DRINKING, no matter what. Ignore the voice of your addiction telling you it is OK to drink. As long as you resist that first drink, you can do the hard work of staying sober.

Good luck.

Impurrfect

(((phoenix))) - Welcome to SR!! When I first got here, I read a lot of posts and was amazed to hear "my story" being told by so many other people, with maybe some variation.

There's no magic fix for alcoholism/addiction, but there is a ton of experience, strength, and hope.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

justanothrdrunk

Phoenix-

You're right where I was a few years ago. We're the same age even. Married with kids, work a job during the day, and I couldn't resist the bottle every night after work either.

Unfortunately, the only thing that worked for me was rehab - followed up with AA, getting a sponsor, all that stuff. I'm not saying that's what you have to do, just that it seemed it was the only thing that worked for me.

If you're like me, you're in for a tough road. But it CAN be done. Best of luck to you.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR Phoenix!

Great News! You can get off this treadmill and never have to feel this way again.

It's going to take some work, and it's not going to happen overnight (damn, but hey, you didn't develop a drinking problem overnight did you?).

Stick around SR and read a lot, that's a good first step. Some people (myself included) benefit from face to face support. I eventually found my way to AA after trying to quit by myself about a zillion times.

freshstart57

Phoenix632, you are asking There most certainly is a way, and only one way that I know, to break this cycle of drink, drank, drunk, self loathing, repeat. You need to stop. Quit. It really is that simple - after several days or a week of not drinking, my mind had cleared to the point that I was able to make some choices about how I was going to remain sober.

Now, I said it was a simple solution, I did not say it was easy. Not by a long shot.

At first, I made myself believe that I could quit and that I would quit.

Next, I separated my thinking from my desire to get buzzed. That desire didn't come from me, but instead from a base or primitive desire that I could overcome.

Finally, I put even more distance between me and my bottle by realizing that by watching myself, as if I were a third person, as I got the urge to drink, I could expose this urge for what it is. It is an urge that will kill me and cause me to lose everything that is important in my life.

Try thinking along these lines, and keep posting here. There is lots of experience and willingness to help here. Take advantage of us, ok?

sugarbear1

try listening to aa speakers online.


welcome home!

Philo34

Phoenix- I'm a little older and I wasn't a bar drinker... Sounds like I had progressed more than you when I gave up , but other than that, sounds like my story. I ended up detoxing for 5 days and finding an AA meeting the day I got out. I'm coming up on six months - but have to disagree with Dog and Just a little. This has been EASY compared to what I was putting myself through before I finally quit.

When I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about it, wondering how much inventory I had left, how many hours I would have to drink when I got home, wondering if I needed to stop for more on the way home, trying to remember if I'd hidden the empties good enough so my wife wouldn't find them and wondering if I needed to change my spot. How to consume without her knowing, and praying that when she was on call in the evenings, she'd get called in so I could consume without hiding it. Lying got easy but remembering my stories was a bitch. Forgot to mention I have two kids that cramped my drinking too. Having to pick up a kid after a sporting event or school really messed with my plans. I was a complete mental wreck.

I can't even begin to tell you how miserable I was physically. When I wasn't drunk or hungover, I could really get in some good work outs, hundreds of pushups, lots of hill running, mountain bike for hours, etc. In the end, I didn't have the strength to drive myself to the ER.

Now I'm smilin' and enjoying things. I'm learning to deal with life without vodka. Some things have come my way that weren't exactly good, but would have been so much worse if I'd still been drinking. Life is fun again.

Everyone is different and has different struggles, but when I quit, there was no question in my mind that I'd had enough, I knew I was an alcoholic, and I desperately needed help. When I made that step, the rest was easy. good luck

dawnrunner

It is great that you looked for help and found this board - it is a fabulous resource.

One thing I discovered on coming here is that there are many roads to Rome. The phenomenon you describe (feeling like something alien takes over at around 4:00) reminds me of the Rational Recovery program which many on this board have found effective. You will find it if you google rational recovery or AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique). I like this very much.

Many others here have found AA to be a life-saver. I have been an in and out AA person and found the steps very beneficial, but never quite settled in a particular meeting.

I benefited from out-patient rehab at a very good treatment center in the next town from me. I went for sessions at first daily and then twice a week, and the sessions were scheduled around my work hours so no huge work-life interruption. I made friends with my groupies and learned a ton from them, and our counselor was a character and a half, really great guy.

I would also strongly recommend an appointment with your doctor or any doctor, with a frank discussion of your drinking and your overall health including blood work. Talk about a beneficial reality check!

Best wishes to you in your journey back to health, sanity, and joy!! Keep posting no matter what happens, promise.

Pete55

I had issue mainly with alcohol, never done rehabs etc.
At age 50, eventually AA fellowship and AA 12 Steps is what keeps me sober.
If you get to an AA meeting, look for the 12 steps, and read Step 1.
There are 2 halfs to step 1.
Powerless over alcohol, and life unmanageable.

AA may not be your cup of tea, but I can only speak from my own experiences.

If you discover that you are alcoholic, then abstinence may be something to consider. That means, a "surrender" to those thoughts of taking at drink at 4.pm or 6pm or when ever..
It's only a thought and immediately pray for a right thought, what have you got to lose?

But, the restlessness etc may still be there, and you are used to the fact a drink will calm things down.
That is a lie for the alcoholic, delusional lie for the real alcoholic.
Surrendering to the fact that you may never need a drink of alcohol ever again is only a beginning, the rest is learning to live without alcohol.
This is a life long process, but it's well worth it.
No more bars for the sake of drinking....consider it...many here have and are here to tell the story...,

Welcome

Dee74

Hi Phoenix
some great advice here already

My advice is - find support. Noone does this alone - change the parameters of your situation and get some help

I drank for 20 years, all day everyday for five - I remember the despair, the self loathing the disgust - and the way I'd throw my hands up and just drink anyway....but if I can do this sober thing you can too.

My aha moment was when I realised I could be the person I wanted to be, or I could drink...but I couldn't do both.

Whether it's seeing your Dr, or posting here regularly, or going to AA or whatever - Find the support you need to get yourself out of that cycle

welcome aboard
D

ForeverDecember

I can attest to this... I spent the best years of my life in the cycle you mentioned, Phoenix. It was like a ritual in the shower the next morning "Why do I do this? I hate this, I am not going to drink again. I need to stop." etc etc. By knock off (end of work) time, feeling human again, "I might go have a couple drinks at the bar, just a couple". Black out. Next morning in the shower, head against the wall "Why do I DO this to myself?!" Ad nauseum.

I tried to quit with will power, and that failed. I tried to quit by making pacts with people, signing up to all the "sober" social events - Dry July, Octsober. I drunkenly told all my family that I had a problem, and hoped that would solve it. All I was doing was trying to shift the responsibility - there now you know I've got a drinking problem, it's your fault if I'm drinking around you.

I couldn't quit without my sessions with a counsellor (which I did over Skype, not face-to-face), and (the biggest thing) talking to my GP. And not just any random GP, the one I've been seeing since I was 10. I can't describe the feeling of telling him about my problem and instead of seeing him look at me through my eyes, with shame and disappointment, he looked at me proudly because I was actually taking the steps to sort it out. As my counsellor said, you're not a bad person because you drink. You're a good person, who drank for a reason... it's not healthy and it needs to change, but it doesn't make you a bad person. Also, the doctor gave me a course of meds to take both for withdrawal (which can literally kill you, by the way), and to stop cravings afterwards.

A lot of people will rave about AA, and if you're open to it I see fantastic results around here so maybe give it a shot? It's not the only way to get sober though. A lot of people use that as an excuse to keep drinking "Oh, I'm not religious, I don't like AA I guess I'll never be cured."

I haven't been inspired to write a reply this long in a while. I am very glad to see you here, you're making the best decision of your life. It's not easy, it's not even rewarding in the first couple of weeks - too much misery to be any shade of good - BUT you've just got to stick to it and things will get better. Heck, I didn't drink today Time to rise from those ashes....

phoenix632

FD, thanks for your response. Your description of my (your old) daily ritual is so dead on it's scary! You mentioned counseling, which I'm totally open to at this point- how do you go about finding a counselor? Any tips of what to look for or avoid? If you don't mind my asking- what meds were you prescribed? Did they help? Someone told me to take milk thistle and fish oil.
thanks!

Alana1

Hi I am new here also . I have been sober for 14 days and googled help the same as you. The advice here is so good and supportive. I am just taking 1 day at a time. Baby steps .
A .

seanmichael

Hello, Congrats on wanting to quit that really is an important step. And registering on this site just solidifies to yourself that you want to quit. Im recently sober myself and this site has done wonders instead of coming home and drinking I come home and check out the threads on this site. I know exactly how you feel there would be times where i would be at home telling myself i wouldn't drink, then id kind of black out and next thing i know im in my car on the way to the liquor store. Its a two-headed dragon your simultaneously fighting addiction and routine, you should incorporate something else into your life to break the routine and that would help. But the main thing that helped me as everyone on here will tell you is i found someone else (by the grace of god just happened to get hired at my job) who was in aa and understood what i was going through. I told him i wanted to quit drinking and his advice was priceless. And more than that he kept me honest by asking every day how i was doing with it. Like i said im new to it too and going to my first meeting this week. But theres really no substitute for talking in person to another human who has been there and gotten back.

raindancer11

Welcome. Learning about how addiction works made all the difference for me. That, and knowing that alcohol would eventually destroy me, my family and possibly others. You can definitely quit and stay that way.

blackoutgirl

Dawnrunner is so right. There are many different ways to go about this, it will just be a matter of doing some research and finding out which way is best for you.

The best advice that I've followed, is that when you take something away, i.e. alcohol, you should add something to your life as well. Taking alcohol out of the picture may not be enough. Try changing your routine to help fight off the urge, since you are having cravings at the same time every day. I realize this may be difficult since you have children and a routine is basically a way of life. However, you can do this!!

I've read many threads on here...some people take a different way home and avoid driving past their favorite liquor store, some work-out or go to AA meetings. It's totally up to you and what you find works best.

Sober Recovery has definitely influenced me and helped me through the last 19 days. I found this site just as you did and find it very informative and helpful.

Let us know how you are doing! Take care

stepping

phoenix - great advice from everyone. in my opinion i think you have to change your routine somehow....make sure you are busy at 4:00 maybe eat dinner then (that always helps me cause when i am stuffed i dont care to drink for the most oart), take a walk..walk anywhere just keep walking til the urge is gone, AA i promise it will help, watch a movie, read a book, come to SR and just read or post.

good luck in your recovery and just know it is up to you. ignore those voices. that is just your addiction (the devil), you control every choice you make! show it who is boss. take your life back and run!!!!

Jfanagle

Phoenix632-
I measured my alcoholism by what I hadn't lost when I was still drinking and I determined over and over again, that "I had a problem, but not so bad that I needed AA or an equivalent."

AA to me was TOO DRASTIC, and after all, that entire place was full of drunks, not "my kind of people." Surely there was "some trick, hack, shot, pill or antidote that I can take to break out of it?" I am not so bad that I need AA!

I finally found myself sitting on the diving board of my pool as my live in girlfriend was out on a "date" with her Doctor, it seems that she was sick and tired of my coming home drunk every night. I still had all the stuff, big house, my own business, exotic cars, etc.... Only had lost one thing, MY SELF RESPECT!

I called my insurance agent and golfing buddy the next day, he always drank diet coke at the 19TH hole and I knew he had some secret that had helped him stop drinking. He invited me to his AA meeting. I hated being there and realized that where I had been a "heavy drinker" once I walked into those damn meetings I became an alcoholic. I was desperate to get back to moderate drinking so I made a promise to myself that I would go to meetings for about 90 days and "learn to drink better" and get past the every night stop at the bar.

I followed the advice I got in AA and got a sponsor, took all 12 of the steps and I found after awhile that I stopped telling myself "that today is the day and I'm never going to drink again." Instead I am still telling myself that "I am not going to drink today."

Fast forward to today, I still wake up knowing that I may decide to drink tomorrow, but so far for the last 4500+ days I haven't needed to. I still see lots of folks in AA, who aren't like me in so many ways, but they are like me in at least one way, they are working towards dealing with an alcohol problem just for today.

AA isn't the only answer; it has worked for me because I was; as is often said, "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I still have “stuff”, I have lost some things over these past 13 years and have got other stuff. The live in is a great friend today, but not "my live in" anymore. My kids respect me and more importantly, I like who I shave every morning.

That is my story, I saw a great many similarities in your story and thought I would share my experience with you.

Best wishes,
Jon

KarrieJay

Pheonix - welcome to SR.

Thank you for your post. Posts like yours are one of the reasons I come to this forum, because they remind me of why I quit drinking. And I do need to be reminded from time to time.

Many of us here have lived through the cycle that you describe. Like others here have already said, the best advice I can offer you is to seek some help and support. I struggled for years own my own to quit drinking, and I never managed to do it until I sought some help. For me, AA was the venue that worked, but there is a wealth of alternative help and support out there.

The bit in your post that I identified most strongly with was the 4pm demon voice and one trick that I used in the early days was to "postpone" the visit to the bar. When the 4pm voice came, I wouldn't actually say to myself "No, I'm not drinking tonight". Instead I'd say "I won't drink for the next hour". Then, when the hour passed, I'd repeat that resolve and so on. Before I knew it, it was 9pm and I hadn't had a drink. For some reason, I could cope mentally with the idea of not drinking for an hour, whereas the idea of not drinking for a whole night seemed completely unmanageable. I don't need to do that any more, but in the first few days of sobriety I found that it helped me cope.

I don't if that will help you at all, but I thought I'd throw it out there as a suggestion. Either way, I hope you seek some help and coming here was a good starting point. It's good to have you here.