blackoutgirl

So here I am. My first real sober day was 12/19/11. My friends and my boyfriend have been telling me for the last few years that I have a problem with alcohol. Deep down I knew it too, but wasn't ready to give it up. Now I am finally ready and I feel thankful that I've found this site as a means of support.
For the last year, every time I have drank, I have blacked out. Each time has become much more painfully embarrassing than the last. Embarrassing yourself is one thing, but I have managed to embarrass myself and my friends, as well as people that I didn't even know. Totally ashamed, but most of all scared.
The amount of alcohol that I can consume is sickening, especially for my size. I'm sure that I should have been hospitalized a few times, but wasn't. Being a healthcare worker, I have actually had patients who were brought in drunk and ended up in restraints..and thought...I think I was more drunk than him/her last weekend. How sad is that??
The people in my life that are the most important to me were starting to pull away. They were afraid to hang out with me because they knew if I was drinking that it would only be a matter of time before I blacked out and made a fool of myself. I've been told that I have said things, and done things, that are not only completely out of character, but totaly ridicuolous without any logic behind it.
I would wake up and think....when did we get home...how much money did I spend...how many people are mad at me...
I'm sick and tired of apologizing for my actions all the time. In fact, I'm sure the people that I apologize to probably don't even believe me half the time.
My boyfriend and I went to a hibachi grill tonight and everyone at the table had alcohol except me. Even the 6y/o at the table had a virgin pina colada with a colorful umbrella in it. I felt like my eyes were drawn to all the alcohol bottles and glasses wine, etc on the table and no matter where I looked it wouldn't leave my sight.
I was fine until my boyfriend stopped the waiter and asked for a beer. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears and I suddenly became hot with a huge lump in my throat...and then I started crying. Probably not the night out everyone was expecting when we joined the table. I felt like my number one supporter had just done the most inconsiderate thing. And then I thought, wow, I REALLY have a problem.
We have since talked about it this evening and he has agreed not to drink around me for a while. I have talked to him until I'm blue in the face about how serious I am about being sober. I think he gets it now. He doesn't have an addiction problem and I think that it is hard for him to understand that you can't just "put it down" and everything is going to come up roses. This is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life but I am determined to make things right with myself. No more apologies for me that start with, "I'm sorry that I got so drunk last night." The last person that I owe an apology to is myself.

2granddaughters

Find the AA meetings in your area and get out to them.
Don't hang around in "wet" places.
If you are a healthcare worker you know what to do .. you just gotta do it.
But you don't have to do it alone.

I'll tell you what I was told over 22 yrs ago."Don't drink and go to meetings".
It works. Good luck !!

Bob R

Dee74

Hi blackoutgirl

I remember when I gave up drinking I was very emotional too - not only was I feeling fragile because my mind and body were recovering from many years of hard drinking...
but I was also suddenly missing what had been, right or wrong, the main feature of my life for too many years - and that was a little scary...

It's probably going to be easier, for a while at least, not to go out where everyone else is going to be drinking or where alcohol is the main focus of the event.

You're not alone tho - there's a ton of support here
Welcome to SR!

D

Ghostly

Welcome to SR. Try to avoid places with alcohol for a while. I hope your boyfriend shows more support then he did. Find a support system. You can do this.

MsJax

Hi blackoutgirl~Welcome I can see so much of me in your post. By the end of my drinking, I was drunk to blackout almost every single night. So horrible.

I hope you read & post lots here, it is so helpful. It may sound odd, but it is such a comfort to come here at the end of the day & just read.

It is ok to break your patterns & not go out for a while. I had to. I didn't really socialize at all for about the first 5 months of sobriety. I don't much now either (9 mo). Support is good, but I think we have to be prepared to go it alone in recovery. I know I can only count on me. Recovery comes first in my life, it makes everything else I do possible.

Best wishes to you! A sober new year is a wonderful thing to give yourself.

Terminally Unique

Blackoutgirl,

I won't lecture you on withdrawal, since you may actually know more about it than I do. If you've been sober for almost a week, though, you are probably over the initial physical withdrawal. Right now, the reasons you have decided to quit are fresh in your mind, but in time, they may start to fade, even if the bottle still beckons, so that is something to watch out for. It may take about 90 days for your head to clear and your emotions to level out, but eventually they will. Hang in there.

TheOjibway84

Blackouts are very scary, even if sometimes you do silly things and not do anything bad. my blackouts always had my friends have a blast, but then I'd never know anything I'd done the night before and only when I looked at my bank records would I know how much I spent and where we went. As my addiction progressed the blackouts weren't doing my any good. I started getting into arguements with friends, then mood changes, I'd be happy then I'd get mad for no reason. Once I started hanging with a guy who had inside problems started ruining my fun I started turning into an ugly drunk. Recently I even broke into this friends window in his rented room and tried to have fun with him and he was freaking out and he was hammered too and he started attacking me and I never fought back so he bashed my face in and police were called and I was sent to the hospital luckily not the drunk tank and luckily no charges were laid for the simple fact of assault on his part so we both got off, and that didn't end my drinking. I went on a 4 day binger and I was on auto pilot the whole time, I called this friend of mine who beat me down and we got hammered together again but nothing bad happened but I was drinking so much I skipped work for 3 days and luckily my boss didn't fire me. Blackouts are so scary and when I think what could have happened when blacked out and my friend beating me without stopping until I was begging for him to stop he told me the next day he knew he'd never do that sober and he'd quietly ask me to leave and guide me out. But also when you mentioned you'd embarrass people you didn't know, I did that, my friend's girlfriend got an invite to someones house party after a hangout and we all went and I was plastered and my friend and girlfriend were a bit drunk. WE get to this house and this guy who owned the house started giving us drinks and then we played pool and he went into the kitchen and said "Anyone want to do shots of 95% alcohol?!" I instantly gave my friend my pool cue and went to do shots, which was very bad because I was plastered as it was and did shot after shot after shot. Then supposedly in a major blackout my friends said it was time to go and I got all mad at them yelling outside and their friend offered us to spend the night instead but they didn't want to and so I stayed and drank more and fell on the floor within 2 minutes after my friends left this total stranger I didn't know and his buddies had to carry me to the couch where I was passed out for the night, woke up the next morning not knowing where I was, ran to the kitchen sink and vomited for a few minutes, took some more to drink then I was plastered again and remembered where I was and within a few minutes I was at it again at the booze, this stranger of the house saw me pouring more and was like "what the hell are you doing? No more! It's time for you to leave." Luckily they drove me to a bar I wanted to go and so Id rank more.

VERY crazy life style. Im glad Im sobered today and finally back on track with my life again as a sober person. Sorry for the long story lol. Just wanted to share my craziness drinking.

topspin

Welcome to SR blackoutgirl,

Hitting that "finally ready" point for me was key. You'll find plenty of support and GREAT info here.

What a great way to get 2012 started !?!

ForeverDecember

Good on you, BG (I won't call you BOG lol).

Well done for being so self aware, and for doing the right thing and seeking out information and support.

You sound very much like me and so many others when they first came here - you're not alone, never feel that way Sometimes it is impossibly frustrating when the others in your life just don't 'get it'. My boyfriend was the same - he can drink 2 then not have another. He drinks about twice a year - he had no idea how difficult it was to "just stop".

Sing out if you need any advice. You'll get it here in bucket loads, and with plenty of support to boot.

Your initial post didn't ask for advice, but I'll throw a couple cents in your direction anyway I had trouble making my partner understand the gravity of the situation. Don't get too upset if he never does 'get it' - he probably can't unless he's been addicted to something himself (is he a smoker?). I tried to explain it like being starving hungry and being surrounded by food without being able to eat any. It still doesn't really hit the mark. It's not his fault for not understanding. But never forget - YOU are the most important person in this equation at the moment. You're saving your life right now If he doesn't completely understand it, that's OK, as long as he supports you anyway.

Take care! I'm looking forward to sharing your journey.

sugarbear1

Congratulations on a week of sobriety!

FT

Hi BG,

It is possible to feel elated, even excited, about being the non-drinker in the group. I wish I had realized that during my tortured time of feeling like I couldn't, or didn't want to, "deprive" myself of the "fun" of drinking, until it became so bad it was NEVER fun anymore. Instead, it plagued me for probably 20 years.

The elation comes from the pure sense of freedom you get when you no longer feel some sort of inner "obligation" to drink. It's been a long time for me now, but I still feel free, feel good, feel no sadness about not drinking. It's natural to feel that way at first, because it is almost like an old friend you think you are saying goodbye to. You aren't really saying goodby to anything -- it is still there, you can see it any time you want, but why would you want it polluting your veins? For me it was a pollutant, anyway.

Just be a non-drinker. It's that simple. Once you've decided that, all decisions about alcohol become easy ones. Don't worry about drinking urges, they are only thoughts and can't hurt you. Observe them for the thoughts and whims they are, then let them go. Don't try to fight them off, because they are normal. Just don't act on them.

I hope you figure this out before you let years go by, tortured by drinking, always wanting to quit, wrestling with yourself.

The sense of freedom and exhilaration you will feel from not having that ball and chain weighing you down is amazing. Never worrying about that cop car in the rear view mirror, never waking up hung any more, never waking up on "day one" again, hoping you won't cave that day... again.

Good luck. It feels great not drinking. It really does. And there is no where you can't go and nothing you can't do that you because you aren't drinking. I have yet to find a place where drinking is "required". Except maybe a drinking club, which is full of old smoking men and you wouldn't want to be there anyway. Ha! (hope I didn't offend anyone there)

FT

DayTrader

Girl...... I pulled some parts of your post that I want to comment on.

I can totally identify with everything you said but that first group of quotes hit home especially hard for me. It was obvious to even ME that I was becoming a type of person I couldn't stand. And that's a killer, yanno....when you can't stand yourself - lol. Where can you go to get away from YOURSELF?

The compulsion to drink, as you described in part 2 was a shocker to me as well. I remember thinking I could take it or leave it (drinking) and that all I had to do was make up my mind. The horrible reality was that even when I'd make up my mind to "no drink," the thoughts of drinking, when they hit (and they WERE NOT continuous......just occasional) were often so strong that more often than not, I'd end up drinking again - seemingly "against my will."

As for the last part I quoted, I felt like that for a while but my mind changed. It occurred to me that I'd likely be around drinking, temptations, restaurants that serve beer....wine......drinks, and people who drink..... likely, for the rest of my life. Wouldn't it be preferable to get to the state of being "recovered" that I'd heard about? The state of being where those things are simply non-issues? I mean, I believed (or, was sure) that I could fight the urges for a while.....but could I fight them FOREVER? And even if I could, was that a happy & content way to live? I sure don't think so. Was it fair of me to expect everyone in my life to change their habits just to suit me? again, I didn't think so.

Worst of all, I'd find that when I was "not drinking" it was like a slow and steady pressure was building inside of me.... little things....here and there....I'd get frustrated, irritated, angry, or hurt. As these things built up, eventually, I'd manufacture an excuse to get drunk again - maybe just to "let off some steam." Then guilt and shame would come rushing back in and I'd repeat the cycle.....again. It became increasingly apparent to me that my problem wasn't drinking so much as all the stuff that led TO the drinking. Turns out that "stuff" was really just one thing - untreated alcoholism. Alcoholism, ya see, gets you when you're NOT drinking.....it's that thing that makes "not drinking" so uncomfortable. It's the thing that leads to all those pressures building up in the first place. Non-alcoholics don't experience that......not like an alcoholic does.

The enormity of the task of completely overhauling my thinking......of just getting all/most of it to simply "change," scared the hell out of me. Could I do it? Would it stick? How long would it take me? Big questions, yanno?

What I CAN tell you is that all of the above ARE possible......and they're simply accomplished to boot. For me, I got to the place where I could see that I simply didn't have what it took to do it on my own though. It was also apparent that nobody around me was able to change my thinking and change my life FOR me. Sure, there were tricks and what-not like going to meetings......hanging out with sober ppl.......avoiding my old hang-outs.....avoiding picking up that first drink.....etc. Those things helped me stay dry.....for a while....but they didn't really "work." Nothing had really changed INSIDE me.

That's where the AA PROGRAM comes in - working the steps and applying the principles to my life. That had a profooooooooound effect. It's the cool thing about the AA solution...... it tells you in the first step that 'not drinking' as a solution will not work, that exercising willpower will be insufficient, that working on fixing yourself and your life will not be something you can pull off......... but then there's step two that reminds you that, even though all that bad stuff in step 1 is still out there, that there IS still a way....that there IS still a way to recover from all that junk......but that it's, by process of elimination, going to have to come from something outside of yourself, your thinking, your ideas, and your plans.

What I'll tell you is that a better life is not only possible....it's downright guaranteed......and it's simply achieved. The kicker is.....are you willing to do some things that you don't necessarily want to do to get it? I don't know ONE person in recovery who hit the doors of AA and WANTED to do everything the steps ask us to do - myself included. The deal however is that IF you'll do them anyway....in spite of not understanding them, in spite of not wanting to do them, and in spite of maybe believing they'll work........ the program and the steps DO work.... 100%..... but they have to be taken, yanno?

Best of luck to you....... would be great to see you get free from that stuff that's knocking you around. I've seen it 100's of times and it's absolutely possible.....and it's absoluuuuuutely available to you....... all you have to do is walk the same path we do - and we'll be more than happy to point you in the right direction, help you out, and support you along the way.

NYCDoglvr

As I've said elsewhere on this forum, in a blackout I took a massive number of pills and just by luck, a friend came into my apartment. Came out of the blackout strapped to a stretcher, my stomach pumped and half my face black from a fall. I had to stay three days in the hospital. To this day I have no idea why I tried to kill myself!! That was my bottom, I crawled on my hands and knees to AA and got sober because of the incredible support of other recovering alcoholics. Fear keeps me going to meetings because I know that if I don't stay sober I'll die.

I hope you get the help you need.

blackoutgirl

Thanks for all of your messages! It feels great to know that I can get on here at any time and express how I feel. I really appreciate all of you sharing your experiences with me. As far as asking for advice, I guess I'm at the point where I don't really know what to ask yet, but I'm sure it will come. Today is the start of my work week. I can't wait until New Years Eve is over. I'm scheduled to work that night (I work night shift.) I haven't tried to trade with anyone just because New Years Eve is usually a drunk fest no matter where you go. I can't wait to start the New Year. Being at work on that night will be hard. I've allready thought about how all my friends will be out partying. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that they will most likely be glad that I'm NOT there. Especially after my last black out experience. It was a a fancy Christmas party, thrown by my boyfriends boss at an expensive restaurant. I started the "in and out" thing throughout dinner and afterwards we all went bar hopping. I couldn't tell you the names of the bars/clubs we were in, or even what I drank. I made a total fool of myself ( and that's putting it lightly) in front of my friends and his co-workers. It was so bad that people were apologizing to my best friend for the embarrassment that I was causing her at the time. Such a sad and unwarranted situation. That was my low point and when I KNEW that I needed to change. Thank you all for being so supportive. I'll be on in a few days! Talk to you guys soon!

sugarbear1

Welcome | Indianapolis Intergroup Inc.

langkah

Many of us need to try our very best to not drink a few times, figuring that as we've decided to not drink it will mean something. I notice you're already imagining yourself struggling mightily at NYE.

See how that goes for you.

If you find yourself drinking after deciding you were not going to drink because you've got perfectly sound reasons not to do that and it would be illogical for you to do something you had made an ironclad decision not to do, then that may inform you a little further about what you're up against.

Welcome here, you're off to a decent start.