BlueMoon

My husband of 20 yrs is in jail for alcohol-related reasons. He’s been there since Thanksgiving.
He’ll be there til Jan. 2nd. Because of a No Contact Order, we weren’t allowed to talk for the last 3.5 weeks. (Can y'all relate?)
(I should mention at this point that I am sober in AA.)

Earlier today, out of the blue (no pun intended) this marvelous idea came to me.

“When he gets out, I am going to SHOW HIM EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS to have someone you love so much
be so destructively + stupidly DRUNK.
I am going to get SO DRUNK, I am going to be IN HIS FACE, I am going to MAKE HIM SEE ME
try to destroy myself the same as I have had to watch him.

WHEN HE GETS OUT, I AM GOING TO GET F’ING DRUNK!”

God help me – for a period of time there – 15 minutes? 30? longer?? – it made TOTAL SENSE –
I swear I could TASTE the Southern Comfort – and it was GOOOD – I wanted to GET DRUNK AT HIM –

Yeah – that’ll show him – like getting drunk at someone ever worked in the past . . .

THANK GOD for my phone list (on speed dial!) and my AA peeps who love me!
They’re why I plan on picking up my XX chip in February.

This disease is f’ing scary. I’m grateful you’re all here with me!
Blue

TheJungianThing

The circumstances were different but "suddenly" showed up about a year ago during an argument with my mother in a very stress filled, scary and emotional time for us all. Like a shot the thought and - my muscle memory kicked in and my mouth could feel the burn and tase of a good stiff shot of whiskey - entered me. I felt that dude in the Matrix, time slowed down a bit it seemed and a part of me detached from my mind and witnessed this - I remember surrendering the argument immediately and being almost in shock. "where the **** did that come from"

I had been listening to Mark H, Don P, and Peter M a lot prior to that and had just been inspired to complete a round of 1-9 and was taking 10 and 11 more seriously than ever. Found some newbie meditation videos on YouTube and started a daily meditative practice. My sponsor was already on his way for our Tuesday night meeting. Protected would be an understatement. The victory is God's working through the AA fellowship and the program far more than mine. I picked up my IX chip a few months ago.

Did some inventory on my mom some days later. Wow. What a process, what a program. Anyway, that's how I relate currently.

Taking5

Anne Smith, Dr. Bob's wife, tried this once. It made Dr. Bob really uncomfortable but he still got drunk. That's what we do. Eventually of course, Dr. Bob found sobriety, as it sounds like you have. Don't throw it away. Talk to yur sponsor or other AA people about it, or come here to vent.

Sally1009

Er.. No! TERRIBLE idea! You'll throw away your sobriety, teach him nothing, and both end up in an awful fight that may lead him him to drinking too. Talk about your resentment to your sponsor. I can understand your fantasy, but getting deliberately drunk to get back at him will just be hurting yourself.

FoundmySelf

One of the first things I heard when I walked in to the rooms of AA was

"it's like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die"

BlueMoon

Quote:

Like a shot the thought and - my muscle memory kicked in and my mouth could feel the burn and tase of a good stiff shot of whiskey - entered me. I felt that dude in the Matrix, time slowed down a bit it seemed and a part of me detached from my mind and witnessed this - I remember surrendering the argument immediately and being almost in shock. "where the **** did that come from" . . .

OMFG That is it EXACTLY!
It just seemed to come out of NOWHERE - yes it's been rough going lately but thought I was coping very well . . . then BAM!

It was surreal, time slowed, my chest tightened, my face went all numb but tingly, but the weirdest thing was that I could TASTE the alcohol, feel the burn that always turned me into SUPERWOMAN! And I could FEEL the old insanity jumping right back into my brain as if it had never, ever left.

In writing this, I guess I realize that the "old insanity" might not ever be totally OUT of my brain . . .?
I'm an alcoholic after all (DUH!) . . .
and I have the scars, the stories, a program, the friends, the phone lists, the books + the chips to prove it!

For some silly alcoholic reason, I think that at almost XX years, I SHOULD BE IMMUNE! (ya da ya da ya da)
(and the moon is made of green cheese!)

Thank goodness for speed-dial!

Quote:

"it's like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die"

LOL Thank you for that! I haven't heard it for a while and it's VERY fitting!
Blue

Sally1009

So sorry, Bluemoon. I had thought your post was serious, that you really were going to go and get deliberately drunk-didnt realise it was a momentary fantasy. Congrats on coming through. Happy Holidays

FT

Quote:
"it's like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die"

Some suicides are undertaken in that brief moment when it appears all so sensible, that "I'll show them" mentality, that leads to the irreversible act that the perpetrator really had no idea was that.

It is when that string of "brief moments" becomes a plan that the dominoes begin to fall.

BlueMoon

oh goodness! i forgot one of the most important reasons!

hubby + i met right AFTER i got sober - he's never seen me drunk!
and because i AM all-powerful + can read minds,
sometimes i think that HE thinks i am NOT REALLY an alcoholic.
Ahhhh - yet another reason . . . .

tonite's my women's step meeting - and we're doing Step One!
ROTF - how appropriate!

how's that go again?
cunning, baffling, powerful
Blue