Quitting alcohol is making me want to kill myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2
Quitting alcohol is making me want to kill myself.
Hello everyone. I've tried doing this once before, and it lasted about 12 hours, but this round I was able to last Around 1 day, and some hours. A little bit of a back-story. I am 22 and currently attending college. I live in my mother's house, and she has absolutely no idea I'm an alcoholic even though I drink roughly 1.5 pints a day. It's been this way for almost 3 years, and I am doing successful in college, and (until recently) enjoyed my life.
The problem comes with health. Since I started drinking, I have gained 50 pounds, from 120, to 170, and I am rising a little bit every day due to the drinking. I am also having these strange sharp heart pains that last 5-10 seconds every few hours or so. The heart pains got bad enough this time that I decided to quit, and I also wanted to quit for my mother, because I am afraid of dying before her. I couldn't give a damn less about my life, but the lady doesn't deserve to witness her son's death. In fact, pretty much everything I do is because I want her to see a successful son before she passes. My dad was an extreme functional alcoholic, and left quite a while ago. Won't get into that.
So, about my quitting attempt: I decided when I finished off my last handle that I was done on Sunday night at about 10 PM, and I lasted all through Monday, and all the way to today at 1PM (at the time of posting, it is 7PM). I was reading about withdrawals, and heard I could possibly die from them, or have a random unpredictable seizures, so I went out and got a half-pint, which I was planning on lasting for a few days in order to ween myself off. So if we skip two hours ahead, I slammed the whole thing down and realized how happy I was afterwords. I was so intent on quitting, but then I realized how grey the world looked when I was sober all of Monday... It was the worst experience I've had since before I started drinking... I hated my life before I picked up the bottle. I didn't like anyone. I didn't like my family, or any hobbies at all. I just sat around all day doing what everyone else told me I had to do. Then I'd go to bed. My lips never moved from a straight line unless I had to speak. When I picked up the bottle, and got heavy on it, I ended up making some friends. I became sociable, and I started being able to tolerate the world around me more than before. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I got intensely into astronomy, computer science, and biology. Now that I am trying to quit, I am realizing how unhappy I was, and why I picked up the addiction in the first place. So essentially, quitting makes me want to kill myself, and I don't know what to do. I can either go out downing a handle, or I can go out in many years after my mother dies without having another happy moment in my life.
So to sum it up, I've got a couple of questions:
Can I potentially have withdrawal seizures from 1.5 pints a day over 3 years?
If I have no good reason to quit except for my mother, should I live an existence I don't want to live until she passes, or should I continue my drinking, and find out exactly what these heart problems are after they get worse? I know of course you guys are probably not allowed to recommend the second option, but if you could try to see why I am seriously considering continuing my path.
I would rather not do AA, or anything like that, because I am a non-believer in any higher power, and I would find it difficult to sneak to AA meetings without my mother knowing. Also, there's nothing I hate more than people when I am sober. Doctors appointments would be difficult as well.
Thoughts or comments appreciated. Sorry about the wall of text. Please don't take my title seriously. I am not thinking about killing myself now that I have a half-pint in my tummy, and I'll just go back to alcohol full-time if it gets bad enough.
The problem comes with health. Since I started drinking, I have gained 50 pounds, from 120, to 170, and I am rising a little bit every day due to the drinking. I am also having these strange sharp heart pains that last 5-10 seconds every few hours or so. The heart pains got bad enough this time that I decided to quit, and I also wanted to quit for my mother, because I am afraid of dying before her. I couldn't give a damn less about my life, but the lady doesn't deserve to witness her son's death. In fact, pretty much everything I do is because I want her to see a successful son before she passes. My dad was an extreme functional alcoholic, and left quite a while ago. Won't get into that.
So, about my quitting attempt: I decided when I finished off my last handle that I was done on Sunday night at about 10 PM, and I lasted all through Monday, and all the way to today at 1PM (at the time of posting, it is 7PM). I was reading about withdrawals, and heard I could possibly die from them, or have a random unpredictable seizures, so I went out and got a half-pint, which I was planning on lasting for a few days in order to ween myself off. So if we skip two hours ahead, I slammed the whole thing down and realized how happy I was afterwords. I was so intent on quitting, but then I realized how grey the world looked when I was sober all of Monday... It was the worst experience I've had since before I started drinking... I hated my life before I picked up the bottle. I didn't like anyone. I didn't like my family, or any hobbies at all. I just sat around all day doing what everyone else told me I had to do. Then I'd go to bed. My lips never moved from a straight line unless I had to speak. When I picked up the bottle, and got heavy on it, I ended up making some friends. I became sociable, and I started being able to tolerate the world around me more than before. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I got intensely into astronomy, computer science, and biology. Now that I am trying to quit, I am realizing how unhappy I was, and why I picked up the addiction in the first place. So essentially, quitting makes me want to kill myself, and I don't know what to do. I can either go out downing a handle, or I can go out in many years after my mother dies without having another happy moment in my life.
So to sum it up, I've got a couple of questions:
Can I potentially have withdrawal seizures from 1.5 pints a day over 3 years?
If I have no good reason to quit except for my mother, should I live an existence I don't want to live until she passes, or should I continue my drinking, and find out exactly what these heart problems are after they get worse? I know of course you guys are probably not allowed to recommend the second option, but if you could try to see why I am seriously considering continuing my path.
I would rather not do AA, or anything like that, because I am a non-believer in any higher power, and I would find it difficult to sneak to AA meetings without my mother knowing. Also, there's nothing I hate more than people when I am sober. Doctors appointments would be difficult as well.
Thoughts or comments appreciated. Sorry about the wall of text. Please don't take my title seriously. I am not thinking about killing myself now that I have a half-pint in my tummy, and I'll just go back to alcohol full-time if it gets bad enough.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi and welcome bpinskleypop
If you want to quit, I'd recommend at least seeing a Dr, if not exploring local detox programmes and facilities.
Trying to detox on our own can be dangerous - it's not an urban myth or anything.
I realise you'd rather not let other people know...but sometimes we just don't have that luxury if we want to change things, and be safe doing it.
As for social problems and booze making you happy...I most of us identify with that - in the beginning anyway.
But what happens when the booze stops working that way? (and it will).
I spent maybe 2 years happily drinking and the rest of two decades with growing disquiet, then outright despair...I ended up drinking to simply function. By that stage everybody knows about you whether you like it or not.
It is hard to face life and face the things we tried to run away from by drinking in the first place - but it wasn't as impossible as I'd feared & I'd rather do that, than lose another 20 years of my life to booze.
There is support - and you're not alone. Most of us find it will get better, if we give it a chance to.
If it seriously makes you despair that much you think of self harm though? thats another good reason to go see your Dr and discuss that too.
But you need to decide whether you want to quit - and yeah, I think it does need to be for you, not your mom.
I know there's a lot here to chew on, but I hope you think about it.
It won't get better, and it's likely to get a whole lot worse, the longer you don't do something about it.
D
If you want to quit, I'd recommend at least seeing a Dr, if not exploring local detox programmes and facilities.
Trying to detox on our own can be dangerous - it's not an urban myth or anything.
I realise you'd rather not let other people know...but sometimes we just don't have that luxury if we want to change things, and be safe doing it.
As for social problems and booze making you happy...I most of us identify with that - in the beginning anyway.
But what happens when the booze stops working that way? (and it will).
I spent maybe 2 years happily drinking and the rest of two decades with growing disquiet, then outright despair...I ended up drinking to simply function. By that stage everybody knows about you whether you like it or not.
It is hard to face life and face the things we tried to run away from by drinking in the first place - but it wasn't as impossible as I'd feared & I'd rather do that, than lose another 20 years of my life to booze.
There is support - and you're not alone. Most of us find it will get better, if we give it a chance to.
If it seriously makes you despair that much you think of self harm though? thats another good reason to go see your Dr and discuss that too.
But you need to decide whether you want to quit - and yeah, I think it does need to be for you, not your mom.
I know there's a lot here to chew on, but I hope you think about it.
It won't get better, and it's likely to get a whole lot worse, the longer you don't do something about it.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Trying to detox on our own can be dangerous - it's not an urban myth or anything.
I am wondering though, I don't know you, and it seems like you may have drank quite a while, which is incomparable to my short 3 year history of a relatively small amount (congrats by the way, that's amazing to hear), which is why I figure that since I am not exactly a long-time drinker, I didn't think things like horrible seizures would be an issue for me. I am wondering at what level of drinking someone has the threat of such seizures.
Either way, I know you guys probably don't want to tell me to not worry about seizures, but if someone could point me to a case where someone had a seizure on such a small amount of alcohol over a not-so-long time period instead of the very long-time alcoholic cases, I'd really appreciate it.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome to SR!
I agree with everything Dee said.
I don't think anyone here will recommend that you keep drinking, lol.
Sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain and you've already thrown in the towel when it comes to your happiness. I'm sorry to hear that you don't think that you are worth keeping alive.
I do know this though: If you're not willing to fight for your life then you won't be able to quit drinking. If there's even the slightest inkling of hope for your life then I would cling to it and do whatever you can to change your life for the better, but until you're ready to try to save yourself then you won't have much success.
I've spent most of my life dealing with depression and bipolar, dealt with abuse issues, survived a few suicide attempts, etc. I found that I had given up on my life because I had given into the lies that my disease was telling me: that life wasn't worht living, that I wasn't worth keeping alive, that if my parents weren't alive I'd be just as pleased to drink myself to death (yes I've thought that too).
The truth for me was that I was copping out. I just didn't want to put in the work that was needed to make my life worth living. I'm not going to pretend that everything is perfect now, but at 8 months sober I now deal with my issues differently. If I'm lonely I don't despair and feel sorry for myself and get drunk, I try to think of ways I can connect with people and be less lonely. If I'm sad I don't try to bury my emotions under booze, I try to work through my emotions and find out what is making me sad and deal with it. I look back now and wonder how I could have ever seriously considered suicide -- it just seems like I was a different person back then.
Anyways, I'm not trying to be preachy, but I do feel for you. I hope you stick around.
I agree with everything Dee said.
I don't think anyone here will recommend that you keep drinking, lol.
Sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain and you've already thrown in the towel when it comes to your happiness. I'm sorry to hear that you don't think that you are worth keeping alive.
I do know this though: If you're not willing to fight for your life then you won't be able to quit drinking. If there's even the slightest inkling of hope for your life then I would cling to it and do whatever you can to change your life for the better, but until you're ready to try to save yourself then you won't have much success.
I've spent most of my life dealing with depression and bipolar, dealt with abuse issues, survived a few suicide attempts, etc. I found that I had given up on my life because I had given into the lies that my disease was telling me: that life wasn't worht living, that I wasn't worth keeping alive, that if my parents weren't alive I'd be just as pleased to drink myself to death (yes I've thought that too).
The truth for me was that I was copping out. I just didn't want to put in the work that was needed to make my life worth living. I'm not going to pretend that everything is perfect now, but at 8 months sober I now deal with my issues differently. If I'm lonely I don't despair and feel sorry for myself and get drunk, I try to think of ways I can connect with people and be less lonely. If I'm sad I don't try to bury my emotions under booze, I try to work through my emotions and find out what is making me sad and deal with it. I look back now and wonder how I could have ever seriously considered suicide -- it just seems like I was a different person back then.
Anyways, I'm not trying to be preachy, but I do feel for you. I hope you stick around.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I can't give you any references, bpinksley - maybe someone else will...but I think you're kidding yourself if you think you're immune to things like seizures etc because you've only been drinking 3 years....I can remember several cases over the last few years of teenagers having alcoholic seizures...they obviously weren't hardened drinkers....and some of those kids didn't make it.
The truth is detox is unpredictable, for everybody - I detoxed on my own literally hundreds of times, with no apparent ill effect...the last time, with no change in my drinking behaviour or routine, I nearly died.
Not trying to scare you, simply presenting the case for it's always better to be safe than sorry
D
The truth is detox is unpredictable, for everybody - I detoxed on my own literally hundreds of times, with no apparent ill effect...the last time, with no change in my drinking behaviour or routine, I nearly died.
Not trying to scare you, simply presenting the case for it's always better to be safe than sorry
D
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
Don't be afraid of being bored, or of being boring, or of being sad, as you get sober. You have to be patient and "know" things WILL get better. You won't be bored anyway, but it feels that way sometimes as you transition into a sober lifestyle. Just go with it, and things will come around. You have to be patient. You may be depressed .. there are meds to help with that .. Doctors are there to help us.
You are only 22. How you are now, and your life as it is now, WILL change as time goes along, with or without alcohol...
I can guarantee you that the "with alcohol" scenario will become worse. Alcohol will hold you down, and the changes that will take place as time goes on will be very very ugly. "Without alcohol" will take you anywhere you want to go. You will be in control. You just have to be patient at first. Just because your dad was an alcoholic, it doesn't mean that you have to be. You know better than that.
1.5 pints a day is enough to be concerned about with regard to withdrawal. Please chat with your doctor about that and about your feelings on life in general. He/she will be proud of you for wanting to turn this around and can steer you in the right direction, perhaps also refer you to a therapist to help you through. You have a great advantage on nipping this in the bud, because you're so young.
Stop it now before it takes over. There is so much to learn .. so much excitement .. in sobriety. You just have to start .. and be patient.
Good luck. Btw, I have a 22 year old .. and these are things I would say to her if she was an alcoholic.. like her mom is.
You are only 22. How you are now, and your life as it is now, WILL change as time goes along, with or without alcohol...
I can guarantee you that the "with alcohol" scenario will become worse. Alcohol will hold you down, and the changes that will take place as time goes on will be very very ugly. "Without alcohol" will take you anywhere you want to go. You will be in control. You just have to be patient at first. Just because your dad was an alcoholic, it doesn't mean that you have to be. You know better than that.
1.5 pints a day is enough to be concerned about with regard to withdrawal. Please chat with your doctor about that and about your feelings on life in general. He/she will be proud of you for wanting to turn this around and can steer you in the right direction, perhaps also refer you to a therapist to help you through. You have a great advantage on nipping this in the bud, because you're so young.
Stop it now before it takes over. There is so much to learn .. so much excitement .. in sobriety. You just have to start .. and be patient.
Good luck. Btw, I have a 22 year old .. and these are things I would say to her if she was an alcoholic.. like her mom is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi BP. You've got a lot going on - good for you to reach out, SR is a good place to do it. Lots of folks here have been where you find yourself, and have become sober. I personally had no clue what my life would be like sober, but had run out of other options. Two years later, I can say without reservation that my life without alcohol is far better than I dared hope. So - on to a couple of the things that jumped out in your post:
Yes, you can. Trust me, if you have any concern for what your drinking might do to your mother, you should have medical supervision when you stop drinking. Alcohol can be extremely dangerous to withdraw from. Seizures and strokes are potential outcomes, and if you have heart trouble, withdrawal can cause serious swings in blood pressure and heart rate. Not something you want to screw around with.
BP - what you are describing is a predictable part of withdrawal. Prolonged alcohol abuse actually affects your brain chemistry and neurophysiology (one of the causes of strokes and seizures in withdrawal), and the sensation that you experienced is pretty common.
For a little background on where you are and what alcohol is/has done to you I strongly recommend you get a copy of Under the Influence by Milam. I believe there are excerpts from that book posted on SR - ask one of the moderators and they can point you in the right direction.
You don't have to "do" AA, but most people who quit drinking do so with the help of others who are on the same journey. Initially I struggled with the whole AA thing, and now am extremely grateful I stuck with it, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it without help. Plus - I've made more friends in 2 years of AA than in the previous 25 years. Not acquiantences - friends worth having. But most of all, it helps to knw you are not alone in this. SR helps, and for many it is enough. There are other groups for sobriety such as AVRT, but I have no experience so I can't say much about what they are about - ask about other options and I'm sure you'll get plenty of replies.
Most of all, I cannot emphasize this enough: what you feel right now and the way your life seems right now is tainted by alcohol. It's not that your feelings aren't real, its just that they don't reflect reality. Thats hard to believe, but that's how it is where you are at right now. So, whatever reservations you might have, please get help. Your addiction isn't going to go away, and it will only get worse with time. You deserve to live a sober life, but it's not going to fall into your lap, you have to work for it.
Good luck & keep posting.
Can I potentially have withdrawal seizures from 1.5 pints a day over 3 years?
Yes, you can. Trust me, if you have any concern for what your drinking might do to your mother, you should have medical supervision when you stop drinking. Alcohol can be extremely dangerous to withdraw from. Seizures and strokes are potential outcomes, and if you have heart trouble, withdrawal can cause serious swings in blood pressure and heart rate. Not something you want to screw around with.
I realized how grey the world looked when I was sober all of Monday...
BP - what you are describing is a predictable part of withdrawal. Prolonged alcohol abuse actually affects your brain chemistry and neurophysiology (one of the causes of strokes and seizures in withdrawal), and the sensation that you experienced is pretty common.
For a little background on where you are and what alcohol is/has done to you I strongly recommend you get a copy of Under the Influence by Milam. I believe there are excerpts from that book posted on SR - ask one of the moderators and they can point you in the right direction.
I would rather not do AA, or anything like that,
You don't have to "do" AA, but most people who quit drinking do so with the help of others who are on the same journey. Initially I struggled with the whole AA thing, and now am extremely grateful I stuck with it, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it without help. Plus - I've made more friends in 2 years of AA than in the previous 25 years. Not acquiantences - friends worth having. But most of all, it helps to knw you are not alone in this. SR helps, and for many it is enough. There are other groups for sobriety such as AVRT, but I have no experience so I can't say much about what they are about - ask about other options and I'm sure you'll get plenty of replies.
Most of all, I cannot emphasize this enough: what you feel right now and the way your life seems right now is tainted by alcohol. It's not that your feelings aren't real, its just that they don't reflect reality. Thats hard to believe, but that's how it is where you are at right now. So, whatever reservations you might have, please get help. Your addiction isn't going to go away, and it will only get worse with time. You deserve to live a sober life, but it's not going to fall into your lap, you have to work for it.
Good luck & keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 166
I don't think you ever know who is going to have a bad withdrawal. Best to play it safe and talk to a doctor. Also, maybe you suffer from depression. Have you ever tried anti-depressants? Many people that drink too much also have underlying problems like anxiety or depression.
It is worth looking into. Your outlook on life without alcohol screams depression to me. But, then again I am not a doctor. All the more reason to talk to someone. Also, you say you are a student. How about looking for alcohol help through your school? Might not be a bad idea.
It is worth looking into. Your outlook on life without alcohol screams depression to me. But, then again I am not a doctor. All the more reason to talk to someone. Also, you say you are a student. How about looking for alcohol help through your school? Might not be a bad idea.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
I have to be honest here I was reading your post and when I read well I feel better now that I have a pint in me and that you were only kidding about killing yourself. You are killing your self with booze and the sad thing is you don't even get it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR! I can tell you that there are members here who's family members died in their 20's because of drinking. I used to be a nurse. Alcohol withdrawal affects different people in different ways, but it's serious so I really do hope you see a doctor.
It's hard to see what life can be when we're used to drowning it out, but it can, and does get better. I think if you read around here, you aren't going to find people who are grateful for their drinking years - you'll find people who enjoyed it for a while, then couldn't live without it and they've quit or are trying to.
This place is great for support and experience of those who have been-there-done-that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's hard to see what life can be when we're used to drowning it out, but it can, and does get better. I think if you read around here, you aren't going to find people who are grateful for their drinking years - you'll find people who enjoyed it for a while, then couldn't live without it and they've quit or are trying to.
This place is great for support and experience of those who have been-there-done-that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hello and welcome to SR.
I'm no expert, but Amy Winehouse experienced seizures from periodic detoxes in the years before she died from alcohol poisoning. My understanding is some people get them and others don't. I wouldn't take the chance that you will be one of the lucky ones.
I'm no expert, but Amy Winehouse experienced seizures from periodic detoxes in the years before she died from alcohol poisoning. My understanding is some people get them and others don't. I wouldn't take the chance that you will be one of the lucky ones.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
AA steps saved my life. Sober for 14 days, wishing I were dead-was going to drink & do it, but I was taken through the steps. I had a profound change in myself, not a craving since. I came to AA at 25 years of age. I spent 25 years continuing alcoholic abuse. "High functioning" - you bet! Graduated with honors, etc.
I'm 50 now, had to lose it all then drink another 10 years.....
Today, life is fabulous! I wish I had surrendered at 25 instead of 50. What's your choice?
I'm 50 now, had to lose it all then drink another 10 years.....
Today, life is fabulous! I wish I had surrendered at 25 instead of 50. What's your choice?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Hi and welcome!
I would like to address the question about whether or not 1.5 pints a day for a shorter time period of just three years can cause seizures or bad withdrawal. I'm going to preface this by saying that I can't predict how you will react nor can anyone else here. A doctor would be your best bet.
I don't often talk much about how long I drank because most here drank much more but I feel compelled to tell you my story. I guess you could say that I took the fast track to alcoholism. My "drinking career" was "only" 3.5 years but in that time I almost drank myself to death repeatedly and qualify as an alcoholic just as much as someone who drank 35 years or more. As far as age, I'm older than you (in fact my kids would be your peers LOL!) BUT I didn't drink much in my younger years.
In 3.5 years I went from someone who very rarely drank and would freak out if I thought I was getting a buzz (couldn't dare lose control of myself!) to someone who routinely drank a pint a night to sleep. Weekends were worse and I was known to kill a 1.75 liter bottle over a day and a gallon over two in a total blackout. If it was there then once I was drinking I would drink it all even though I told myself that it was meant to last xx amount of days.
It crept up on me, silently and swiftly and at the end of that relatively short drinking career I was so physically dependent on the stuff that if I didn't have some sort of alcohol in my system then I could only last about two hours before withdrawals set in. Shaking uncontrollably and so hard that my VOICE vibrated from it, throwing my guts up, anxiety including chest pain and feeling like I was going to die accompanied by disgust and terror at how alcohol affected. I was in my own personal Hell and felt that I was doomed and couldn't stop.
I didn't know at the time how dangerous alcohol withdrawal can be so I ended up doing it at home with my mom and family around. They knew about my drinking because I ended up confessing it during an alcohol induced crying jag but were really shocked when it started escalating and they started to realize the magnitude of the problem. They loved me though and supported me completely in getting sober. So, with the help of A.A., family around and a determination to break the bonds of addiction I took my last drink on August 7 and have been sober since August 8, 2004.
Since you are wondering about people who drank a shorter time I hope you don't mind me writing a book on my experience with it but I do hope that you can find ways to relate to it. I sincerely wish you the best and I urge you to stop sooner rather than later. It does NOT get better, only worse. Also, I hope you will stick around here, and really consider seeking medical help. Also,think about letting your mom know that you have a problem and need support to stop drinking and to get your mental health to normal so you feel like LIVING instead of just existing. It does happen, all the time, I promise. If you two have a good and close relationship you may be surprised to find that she might be your biggest source of encouragement and support. I know that was the case for me anyway.
Take care,
Kellye
I would like to address the question about whether or not 1.5 pints a day for a shorter time period of just three years can cause seizures or bad withdrawal. I'm going to preface this by saying that I can't predict how you will react nor can anyone else here. A doctor would be your best bet.
I don't often talk much about how long I drank because most here drank much more but I feel compelled to tell you my story. I guess you could say that I took the fast track to alcoholism. My "drinking career" was "only" 3.5 years but in that time I almost drank myself to death repeatedly and qualify as an alcoholic just as much as someone who drank 35 years or more. As far as age, I'm older than you (in fact my kids would be your peers LOL!) BUT I didn't drink much in my younger years.
In 3.5 years I went from someone who very rarely drank and would freak out if I thought I was getting a buzz (couldn't dare lose control of myself!) to someone who routinely drank a pint a night to sleep. Weekends were worse and I was known to kill a 1.75 liter bottle over a day and a gallon over two in a total blackout. If it was there then once I was drinking I would drink it all even though I told myself that it was meant to last xx amount of days.
It crept up on me, silently and swiftly and at the end of that relatively short drinking career I was so physically dependent on the stuff that if I didn't have some sort of alcohol in my system then I could only last about two hours before withdrawals set in. Shaking uncontrollably and so hard that my VOICE vibrated from it, throwing my guts up, anxiety including chest pain and feeling like I was going to die accompanied by disgust and terror at how alcohol affected. I was in my own personal Hell and felt that I was doomed and couldn't stop.
I didn't know at the time how dangerous alcohol withdrawal can be so I ended up doing it at home with my mom and family around. They knew about my drinking because I ended up confessing it during an alcohol induced crying jag but were really shocked when it started escalating and they started to realize the magnitude of the problem. They loved me though and supported me completely in getting sober. So, with the help of A.A., family around and a determination to break the bonds of addiction I took my last drink on August 7 and have been sober since August 8, 2004.
Since you are wondering about people who drank a shorter time I hope you don't mind me writing a book on my experience with it but I do hope that you can find ways to relate to it. I sincerely wish you the best and I urge you to stop sooner rather than later. It does NOT get better, only worse. Also, I hope you will stick around here, and really consider seeking medical help. Also,think about letting your mom know that you have a problem and need support to stop drinking and to get your mental health to normal so you feel like LIVING instead of just existing. It does happen, all the time, I promise. If you two have a good and close relationship you may be surprised to find that she might be your biggest source of encouragement and support. I know that was the case for me anyway.
Take care,
Kellye
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
I would strongly encourage you to talk to your mother about everything you wrote here.
Odds are she knows about your drinking already. Odds are she can offer help and support. And living in her house while sneaking around pretending to be someone you are not is quite dishonest, as I'm sure you feel already.
Odds are she knows about your drinking already. Odds are she can offer help and support. And living in her house while sneaking around pretending to be someone you are not is quite dishonest, as I'm sure you feel already.
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