SamanthaIam

My Big Issue in my marriage has always been that he doesn't see me, hear me or respond to me as a human.

Since I quit drinking in October, he still frequently reverts to his old technique, which was to dodge me by saying "YOU'RE DRUNK!"

... even if he was ... he would say this as a dodge to get rid of me.

Now that I am sober, he still does this, and if "YOU'RE DRUNK" doesn't work he say YOU'RE INSANE! YOU'RE SICK or even just plain FFFCK YOU!

I agreed for many years that it was my fault for being drunk. Now what?? is going on?

sugarbear1

try al anon

Dee74

I think you need to embrace the idea now that his behaviour is not your fault, Samantha - and more to that, it's abusive.

I sent you a PM.

D

BASEjumper

The same thing that's always gone on. You just robbed him of his barrier to communication. You agreed that it was your fault for being drunk, but now that you're sober he has to look for another one. Sounds like he's not being very creative.

onlythetruth

Yeah, my first husband did something similar. When I quit drinking, he lost his most effective method of controlling me (in my case, guilt). He claimed that he supported my recovery, but in the end he simply did not like the fact that I could no longer be psychologically manipulated.

SASA

I had the same problem. He told me you are sick mentally or he called me you are drunk. Now that I have 10 motnh and I am more stable he sees he does not have this excuse. We stopped talking and I realize now it was not my fault to begin with.
We just are 2 people who disagree...... No need tot talk, just move on

flutter

I personally think I'd have to reevaluate a relationship with someone who treated me that way.

bmwcycle

Took the words right out of my mouth.

suki44883

He's an abusive jerk.

SamanthaIam

This is one of the Sober Hurdles. New ways of dealing with Old ****.

I have been beating my head against the wall with this guy.

I see now how I drank to be as BAd as he said. Lucid, I see that I am better than this.

= I can't blame myself now
= I am not drunk, so I can't feel bad about crazy behavior
= I am not so bad! Really now. I am not horrible or crazy or bitchy or any of the things he said about me. On alcohol, well, maybe I was. But I'm not now. In fact, I'm kind of sweet and lovable and totally non-threatening.

Have I mentioned that I ROCK? ha ha... welllll.... I am better now that I'm not drinking.

DayTrader

I've found that when I focus on CORE RECOVERY (which is a lot more than just not drinking), things like that straighten out rather quickly.

.....and I'm not even going to pretend to give someone marital advice on the internet....I'm no therapist, I don't know you, I don't know him, I don't know the situation.....etc etc etc. If you really want GOOD advice, seek out someone local that the two of you can sit down with who's qualified to assist you. We're alcoholics and hard drinkers, not marriage counselors, yanno?

SamanthaIam

I have spent tens of thousands on therapists over the years. I learned ONE thing: that marriage counseling is very bad, dangerous and destructive, with an abusive person. There is a lot of literature about this. I'll find the links if anyone wants.

ReadyAndAble

I am very sorry you're going through this. I have no experience with abuse, and therefore no advice. I guess maybe I'd just ask you, if someone you loved was in the situation you're in right now, what would you want them to do?

I am glad you're reclaiming your sobriety. There's a lot of strength and hope to be found in that.

ForeverDecember

I spent a few years in an abusive relationship, and it's not a cliche or old wives tale when they say the emotional scars take the longest to fade. My "flinch" reaction when someone gestured too quickly or raised a hand to point at something went away a lot earlier (I'm talking years earlier) than my reaction to accept the blame for things that weren't my fault, and to keep thinking "I'm a piece of ****".

Don't let this man treat you like this... it's exactly the same as him grabbing a sledge hammer and breaking your legs with it.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you. I know how hard it is to get out of those relationships, and especially if there are kids involved (I'm not sure if there are). I know you're a strong person because you are sober and because you know you're awesome. I'm glad you've got that self esteem - don't let him take it from you.

(((hugs)))

Miela

Please could you post the links Samantha?

Thanks

M

MsJax

I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older or what but I no longer believe we need to try to "work things out" or "get therapy" with people we are having serious issues with in relationships.

Get help, get protection if you need it, and LEAVE. They don't change, don't waste precious years of your life trying to work things out with some jerk. Walk through the wreckage and don't look back. Life is too short. Now you're sober, you can move on and have a beautiful life if you choose.

Nice work on your sober time.

MsCooterBrown

You know..the people that you draw near and dear should be supportive in all you do. Bring you up..not knock you down with words or actions. Time for a new life. I found some time alone to reflect on my new goals and changing who I was to be the best time I have ever spent on me. Once I did that..I started drawing the right people into my life. I wish you well.