YinYang

I really need to get this off my chest: I'm an alcoholic. I've known this for 9 years. I have never been in denial with myself but I try very hard to make sure no one else knows. I'm very high functioning. I graduated college, married a successful, awesome man. I had a great career going until I quit to be a stay-at-home mother. I've never been arrested or got into any trouble of any kind...ever! Also, I have never done anything mean or harmful to anyone else while drinking. I've been "managing" my drinking with varying success over the years. When I'm doing good, I hold myself to only drinking only on Saturdays. The worst it's ever been was drinking every other day before I had kids. Usually, I'm at least two days a week though.

I have been able to curb my drinking these last few years by getting into compulsive exercising. I found that the more I exercise, the less I feel like drinking. It's a very delicate balance to maintain. I also have figured out how to avoid hangovers by drinking massive amounts of water before bed and every time I wake up during the night. By morning, I'm fine. Aren't I clever?! (sarcasm) Recently, however, my house of cards had a big blow: I got injured and have been told that I have to take a few weeks off from exercise. It's amazing how quickly I have returned to every other day drinking.

Anytime I have a sip of alcohol, I can't stop. If I start one, I know I'm having at least 6-10 beers. I don't even try to control the number of beers anymore because it's futile. I only work on the number of days a week I drink. Usually, I crack the first one while cooking dinner when the kids are napping. Then my husband gets home and we all eat dinner and he plays with the kids while I continue to drink and do dishes. My children think they are pepsi's but I try to drink when they aren't looking and hide the cans behind other objects. How pathetic!? Then if I'm lucky, I'll quit and go to bed when the kids do.

Most of the time though, after kids are alseep I get on the phone or the internet and I embarrass myself. I tell everyone I know all my thoughts and feelings (everything except about my drinking). I say things I would never, ever, ever want to say when I'm sober. I over compliment people to the point that I imagine they must think I'm weird. I don't think people realize I'm drinking when I'm talking to them though, I think they just think I'm a very happy, over-sharer, talks too much person. No one has ever told me I have a problem or even asked me how much I drink. I have even mentioned to more than one friend that I want to give up alcohol one day and the friends are always confused. I guess they would be since I rarely drink in front of other people. Only my husband.

My husband is an enabler. He has been gladly picking me up 6 packs on his way home from work for the past 9 years. He doesn't drink with me but he doesn't have a problem with my drinking. Actually, I think he likes it because when I drink I'm happy. I told him about 6 years ago that I thought I had a drinking problem and at first he did not agree with me. Then he said I might need to cut back. Hmmmm. We generally just don't talk about it.

I have told no one how humiliating this problem is to me. I'm tired of feeling so embarrassed all the time.... the guilt and shame are so heavy on my chest. Lately, now that I'm hurt and I can't exercise, I also feel hopeless. I am so tired of the constant struggle to "manage" this alcoholism. My husband doesn't know how much effort I put into trying to keep the number of days I drink down. Also, he doesn't know how many times I have actually tried to quit but was unsuccessful. While pregnant I was able to quit for 9 months each time and I was determined to not resume drinking after the babies were born. However, within a month of babies being born, I was drinking again.

I don't know what to do next. All this time, I want to just quit without anyone ever finding out how bad I was or am. I couldn't handle anyone in my family finding out. I'm beginning to figure out that I can't do it alone though. However, I'm not sure I can go to AA. It scares me to admit this problem to so many people. I feel panicked just imagining myself walking into a meeting! I might not be opposed to admitting this to an alcohol counselor. I wonder if antabuse would be good for me. I wonder if it would affect my ability to exercise. I'm scared that if I don't do something, I won't be able to quit. Everytime that craving pops in my head, I feel like I have no control over it.

Jay1980

I'm probably honest to a fault. All my friend's and family know I'm an alcoholic. I don't hide it. I am who I am and I've accepted that. I've tried getting sober by myself more times than I can count. I'm back in AA but I'm not "working the program." I'm not doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I haven't got a sponsor yet. I'm going to 3-4 meetings a week and that's working for me so far.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I used to be able to manage a job, relationships, social life, etc. My disease got worse and slowly over time I stopped being able to manage. Lost jobs, my fiance, my car, my license, homes. I'm not saying this WILL happen to you but if you don't stop drinking it can definitely get worse.

And I was a blackout drinker and would call/text/Facebook people and lead them on, tell them things I didn't mean and then wouldn't remember a thing about it in the morning and had no idea how to "clear the air" with these people afterwards.

You could give AA a try. Maybe a substance abuse counselor. Therapist maybe? Definitely stick around here and get the support here.

Dee74

Hi YingYang

I tried desperately to fix this problem myself..it didnt work.

I liken being addicted to being alone in the middle of the night, in the middle of an vast ocean..

we need someone, someone with a outside perspective, to help guide us back into shore.

I found a lot of ideas and support here. I know you will too.
Good to have you join us

D

Deserto

Welcome YinYang.

First off, thank you for posting your story! It is good to get things off your chest, I think, and starting a dialogue with others is a big step to recovery.

You mentioned AA: I know lots of people are scared to go to AA meetings, but you don't have to speak if you choose to go to one. You can just listen, and that can sometimes be very helpful too.

A counselor might be a great first step, too -- he or she might be able to help you with your feelings and help you come up with a plan.

It's very hard to do this alone, but you don't have to do it alone. You'll find lots of support and inspiration here on SR -- I know I have.

Keep posting and reading -- and once again, welcome!

dawnrunner

YY: Thanks for posting your thoughts.

Please think about talking to your husband re: your drinking. You need him on your side.

Here's the phrase that stood out to me most from your post:

the guilt and shame are so heavy on my chest

You need to get out from under this weight. You can!! Your children and your husband will be thrilled when you do. But most importantly, you will be thrilled.

Best wishes for a new life that is more clear and more honest!!

freshstart57

YinYang, you said yourself that you have had no problem giving up the alcohol for long uninterrupted periods, so you know that you can do this with no qualms or fears. What was different then? How did you accomplish this, what tools did you use?

Anna

I understand how you feel burdened by the guilt and shame. I did too, until I could almost not move or breathe. And, the harder I tried to control it or to stop, the worse it got. What I realized was that I had to let go of the notion of ever drinking again. Once I knew that drinking was no longer an option, my mind began to find different and better ways to cope. Know for sure that you can do this and you will feel so much better about yourself and your life.

One thing I would ask you - when you stopped drinking for 9 months during pregnancy, did you make other changes in your life to help you recover? Did you avoid seeing certain people, take up different social activities, begin to exercise more? There is so much more to recovery than not drinking.

I have used SR as a support for many years. People here understand alcoholism in a way that most other people don't.

least

I see an addiction counselor once a week and she's been tremendously helpful to me, not just in getting and staying sober, but in many aspects of my life. Why don't you look into counseling? It's a one on one thing with no one else listening. I find it very reassuring.

Welcome to our recovery family.

gaffo

For me one of the first benefits of stopping drinking, in the first week, was the end of the dread/guilt feelings. I would wake up feeling senselessly worried and/or guilty. I attributed it to self employment stress when I was still lying to myself about drinking. It went away like turning off a switch. I hope this happens for you.

TwelveSteps

Welcome! We have so much in common, I too was a "high-functioning" alcoholic -- highly educated, great career, did a great job of hiding my drinking... and I, too, started drinking even more heavily when I stopped working (I got laid off). My thinking was, if I don't have to wait until I get home at 8 to have that first glass of wine, why not have one at 5? or 4? etc. I drank at home to help me "relax" and "sleep," I wasn't a "go out and get drunk and act crazy" sort of drinker -- in fact, when I was out with friends, I was always very conscious of other people noticing my level of drinking, so I'd be careful to only have 2-3 drinks over the course of the night -- knowing that when I got home I could drink my usual 2 bottles of wine. Almost everyone in my life was shocked when I told them I had stopped drinking and started getting involved in AA because I am an alcoholic.

It's great that you recognize your problem. The next step is to start talking about it to other people so that they can help you devise plans of action for changing your behavior. As others have mentioned, therapy has been really important for me, and the social support I have found through AA has been incredible. You can do this!

GG

ReadyAndAble

Hi, YinYang. I'm really glad you found SR. You've already received some great advice.

I just want to add that you should not beat yourself up too much over past mistakes. I think most of us have a lot of regrets when we reach the end of our drinking careers. But one day in the near future you can look back at this time, and the steps you're taking now, as the beginning of a healthier, happier future. Be proud of yourself for that.

I'd encourage you to spend some time here. I found it really inspiring to discover how many people had similar experiences.

GregMan

Books, self reflection, research, little bouts of clarity... This was my game for years. Always, these bouts of honest reflection on my problem would consume me for weeks at a time, especially when they were at the end of some horribly embarrassing drinking spree I'd embarked on. But once I recovered, and felt strong and confident again, the disease was fully charged and ready to strike again. Scary part?! You can quit for the next 20 years, not having a sip, and if you go back and have a drink, the disease will hit you like you NEVER LEFT. At the meetings, you hear words like "Cunning, baffling". It is not a joke. IF you return to the alcoholic Russian roulette, your much more likely to lose than you were the first time you played. This is a PROGRESSIVE DISEASE! Nothing else. Love and support to you friend. Theres a MUCH better life, full of clarity, and respect, and good lovin ahead.