Pilgrim

Most of you won't know me. I was here five years ago. I found AA and did the steps with a Big Book thumper and have had a wonderful life in recovery. I have my family back, a good job, a lovely home and a loving husband.

But something seems to be missing. I know it's probably step 1..lol. but I know deep down that I am alcoholic. I know the allergy and I know the mental obsession. I work with others tirelessly in my group and I do my inventory and morning meditation.

I have been in recovery 5 years - I have long periods of happy sobriety but I simply don't seem to be able to not go back to it when I am in deep pain. I seem to lose the will to live sometimes. I stop caring and I just want some relief.

I am drinking tonight. My husband is away on business. I have some terrible issues around abandonment from losing my Mother as a baby. I was so looking forward to talking to him on skype tonight but he was tired and drunk. He has been drinking a lot. It hurts me deeply. I was hoping it would get less painful in time but no...it still turns me into an insane sick insecure psycho in a heartbeat.

I have given up tonight. My HP is amazing - what wonders I have seen. The insecurity I feel sometimes feels as strong as it ever was and I still only seem to have one solution in this stupid sick brain of mine.

I am thinking of not saying anything to anyone about tonight and picking myself up tomorrow and trying again. I fear I won't be able to. I am very frightened.

NewBeginning010

Hi Pilgrim, I completely understand your feelings of pain. I found that meditation & exercise helped me tremendously. Learning to love myself again & living in the "Now" has also improved my life greatly.

You don't need this poison, it never solves anything...

Take care & keep posting.

Dee74

Hi S

I'm sorry you're in pain.

I think you definitely shouldn't sweep this under the carpet. It's not about pride or ego or embarrassment, it's about getting help, and dealing with your demons - and finally laying them to to rest.

I know you've done the steps but have you thought about therapy as well?

It sounds to me like you have a few long established deep unresolved issues - and only one way to deal with them when the terror strikes.

You deserve a lot better.

Thinking of you and sending you good wishes - I know you and I know you can pick yourself up tomorrow and try again.

Take care
D

freethinking

Most of us have pain from our past I think - I don't think that is unique to just you. Like you, I have had the most happiness while sober but just kept "falling off the wagon". For me, anti-depressants and therapy have been a big help. I don't do the therapy anymore, but still take the antidepressants. Would you be willing to see someone? It should be warming up in NZ this time of year....try and get out today and absorb some sun if you can.

LaFemme

Hi Pilgrim

Big hugs to you. I am going to jump on the therapy bandwagon and say I don't think I would be sobertoday without it. Losing your Mom as a baby is a big deal, I am sure she would want you to get whatever help you need in order to be happy.

Xoxo, tina

loveon2legs

Big Hugs to you Pilgrim.....the emptiness you feel as you know, will never be filled by the bottle...I recognize your pain, and have walked that path for many many years...I can't offer you a quick release, I can offer you my prayers, with hopes that for today, you find some comfort in knowing others care.....xo