endlesspatience

First of all, I am always enormously grateful for the support and encouragement I receive on this Forum. It really makes a big difference to me. I hope that I don’t make a habit of only sharing my frustrations and anxieties here but on this occasion I want to talk about what I see as being a big problem for me – loneliness.

My background is that I am 44 and I have not been in a relationship for a couple of years. I was divorced nearly ten years ago and I don’t have any contact with my ex-wife. We didn’t have any children.

I would very much like to find a new partner and I have recently been trying different approaches. This links very closely to my drinking so let me try to be frank about this. On the days I am being “good” I look for opportunities to meet women in coffee shops, markets or other “dry” places. For example, on Sunday I went to a fashionable area in the afternoon and made an effort to speak to three attractive women. Each was in a different location and on her own. I must have been doing OK, because I got all their names and numbers after a few minutes of conversation! That was partly because I had studied techniques in how to talk to women using books I had ordered from the internet. I also dressed nicely, had a good haircut and chose people who I thought would have something in common with me, ie: art or music. One of the women, it turned out, was married. The second didn’t live in my city. The third did seem available and gave off a lot of classic flirtation signs when I spoke to her. But when I texted her on Monday to ask if she’d like to meet up later this week, she took 10 hours to reply and then told me she was busy.

This makes me feel enormously frustrated although I feel it was not an unsuccessful expedition and I want to go out again and try to get some more women’s numbers. The option which of course presents itself is to go to bars or clubs which are seen as more natural environments for men to approach women. Certainly, the majority of girlfriends I have had in the past were people I met in bars and clubs. But of course, the great danger there is that hanging around in bars will jeopardise my recovery. Although it used to be easy to take a couple of beers and see who’s around, it now often turns into a drinking session, often with me finishing the drink at home alone after the bars have closed.

The other places I meet people regularly are at work, at church and in AA meetings. None of these places ever seem to present suitable opportunities to meet similar, single people. But I know that the city’s bars and pubs are full of people who are open to hooking up.

One last important note. The frustration of being “let down” over a date with a potential girlfriend (even if it’s someone I barely know) makes me feel incredibly disappointed. But if I know I’ve got a date lined up, I can be very disciplined in terms of preparing for the night out; avoiding drinking, cleaning up my home, dressing extra nicely etc. Basically, when there’s a date in the diary I am OK. But when I don’t have a date lined up, I feel intensely lonely and sorely tempted to go back into the bars in order to try to find someone.

I’d be interested to hear people’s thoughts on this. If I can manage my romantic adventures effectively, I am sure I can abstain from drink.

TwelveSteps

Online is a great way (for me) to meet people, because you can make sure in advance that they live in your city and that they know you don't drink (it's in my profile). Most guys I date drink occasionally but don't consider it that important, and don't drink around me. Most of my non-AA friends drink socially, so I'm used to that. But being supportive of my sobriety is a base requirement for me. It's not that hard to find, as I was surprised to learn. We've all got our quirks!

GG

CarolD

WEll....the people I know in AA who did finish their Steps and
live them seem to have a smoother time in relationships

Yes the outward appearance is important...dresing in clean clothes..
hair done attractively....smileing and listening to others counts a lot.

But hwere is your mind and what are your motives?.

PaperDolls

May be I'm not following you.
Are you suggesting that if you could just find the right girl, you could quit drinking?

hirsty

I'm 24 and really can't help but feel i've thrown away any chances for future relationships... every single girl i've ever gotten with i've met as a result of drinking.. And not really sure where to go/what to do to find a women anymore :/ .... I can't really go to bars to pick up chicks (well I could), but i think there's something wrong with trying to pick up drunk girls when you're sober....

I know i'm bound to get flamed for this comment as it probably comes across that i'm just after sex, but i'm really not,, well half not ..

The town I live in everyone my age goes out and gets smashed,, there's not really alot to do round here so meeting girls at "clubs"/"non alcoholic social events", doesn't really seem to be an option..

Thinking about it, i don't know a single person my age that has met a girl through any other means than meeting them in a bar/club etc

Freedom1990

That's putting the horse before the cart unfortunately.

omegasupreme

I operated under this morality for some time...however, it did not keep me sober. It was a neat deal going to make amends to them.

BryanS

When I became able to manage my recovery effectively (through AA), I learned I didn't need to be in a relationship to feel whole.

sugarbear1

Try being sober for a long period of time so your eyes can shine...........

Kellye C

I was single when I got sober and like you, was used to meeting people in clubs or bars. I was lonely and didn't have a clue about meeting men any other way so I can relate to how you feel.

I was fortunate that I live in a major metropolitan area with hundreds of AA groups plus my home group has a large group of members who enjoy getting together and socializing outside of meetings. They attend sober dances, conferences, go out to eat, get together to play games and go out on the river together just to name a few. By joining in with my group in these activities I was able to have a social life in safe environments, got better acquainted group members and felt more of a part of the group early on. I also met other sober people from other groups who routinely attended the same activities I did. I learned how to relax and enjoy fellowship for the sake of fellowship and not with a goal of meeting someone.

When I was about seven months sober my first sponsor's son got sober and started attending meetings at our group. Over time we became friends and he started attending the sober functions with the rest of our group. Eventually we started dating, got engaged and have now been married for four years. In short, I found a sober partner with similar interests, goals and lifestyle without really looking for one.

As someone in recovery, I think that rather than searching for a partner in bars or other places where alcohol is a significant feature, it would be better to engage in activities where alcohol is NOT a focal point. AA, church, mutual friends or other sober activities would be much safer bets, IMHO.

Good luck!
Kellye

ForeverDecember

Remember, you're looking for a partner who wants to be with you, not a technique from a book.

Personally I'd go internet dating. There isn't a stigma attached to it any more, and you can easily specify that you are not interested in women who drink.

I love whoever it was who made the comment about when we go out to buy a toaster we look at all the options, decide on the best value, research... we wouldn't buy a toaster when drunk. And yet that's how most of us chose the people we spend a great deal of our life with!