Being tested BIG time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Being tested BIG time
Hi,
What a f***ing evening. My partner had one of his horrendous outbursts, but thankfully no violence I guess. He was shouting the most abusive, horrible things to mostly me, but also to my little boy (to a lesser extent). He does this thing where, if I try to remove my son and me from the situation, he'll grab my son and start doing/saying far worse things. If I walk out of the room, he'll say the most awful things to my son and shout stuff at me from their room. Tonight I just grabbed my keys, got into my car and drove away. I know, once I leave, he'll stop because the abuse towards me (and unfortunately my son) is designed only to hurt me. I dove around the town for about 30 minutes, arguing with myself so as not to buy alcohol. Then I would hit with a massive bout of guilt because of what my baby had just endured. Then anger. Then guilt. Then "I want a drink"..."No, that solves nothing"... "But I need a drink"... "No, you don't"... "But if I buy a bottle of wine, that will show him just how upset I am" etc. etc. You get the picture.
Anyway, I had to stop at the store as I needed cigarettes and toyed with the idea of buying alcohol but, to my surprise, only for a few seconds, and then I left. I feel absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have the most unbelievably stressful 3 weeks of work coming up, starting tomorrow, and feel completely out of resources. This time last year was the same in work and I ended up on Valium and Xanax for 2 weeks afterwards, completely burnt out (home sh*t was a contributing factor).
Man, am I being tested!!
Thanks for reading.
M x
***Warning: rant alert!***
What a f***ing evening. My partner had one of his horrendous outbursts, but thankfully no violence I guess. He was shouting the most abusive, horrible things to mostly me, but also to my little boy (to a lesser extent). He does this thing where, if I try to remove my son and me from the situation, he'll grab my son and start doing/saying far worse things. If I walk out of the room, he'll say the most awful things to my son and shout stuff at me from their room. Tonight I just grabbed my keys, got into my car and drove away. I know, once I leave, he'll stop because the abuse towards me (and unfortunately my son) is designed only to hurt me. I dove around the town for about 30 minutes, arguing with myself so as not to buy alcohol. Then I would hit with a massive bout of guilt because of what my baby had just endured. Then anger. Then guilt. Then "I want a drink"..."No, that solves nothing"... "But I need a drink"... "No, you don't"... "But if I buy a bottle of wine, that will show him just how upset I am" etc. etc. You get the picture.
Anyway, I had to stop at the store as I needed cigarettes and toyed with the idea of buying alcohol but, to my surprise, only for a few seconds, and then I left. I feel absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have the most unbelievably stressful 3 weeks of work coming up, starting tomorrow, and feel completely out of resources. This time last year was the same in work and I ended up on Valium and Xanax for 2 weeks afterwards, completely burnt out (home sh*t was a contributing factor).
Man, am I being tested!!
Thanks for reading.
M x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm glad you stayed true to yourself, but I really am sorry to hear you're still in that abusive relationship Miela.
There are some great stickies in the Friend and Family of Alcoholics forum to read if you would like to do something about that.
D
There are some great stickies in the Friend and Family of Alcoholics forum to read if you would like to do something about that.
D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Glad you didn't drink. Does your partner drink or is he just an abusive jerk? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but when I read about kids being abused, it really makes me angry. He does not deserve to live in an abusive home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thank you Dee. Interesting reading. I am still trying to get away. It's SO complicated so I won't go into details here. I have been trying for ages. On two occasions the police tried to get us into shelters but both times all the shelters were completely full 
Another area affected by the downturn in the economy (I'm not living in the US). The years of abuse have really worn me down and completely zapped my strength. I only recently realised that my self-esteem is basically non-existent anymore. I started working with a therapist a few weeks ago who specialises in DV. She is helping me get the strength, and resources, to get out.
Suki, yes, he does drink and is definitely an alcoholic, just doesn't realise/admit it. You're right, my little one does not deserve this. I hate myself for still being in this situation. I beat myself up so much for this but I realised, with the help of my therapist, that beating myself up just contributes to my feeling worn down and powerless. So I'm working with her to empower myself and to start believing that I can live without him. It's a bit like the alcohol - even though I know how damaging it is, I am still stuck in it
Thank you both.
M
Another area affected by the downturn in the economy (I'm not living in the US). The years of abuse have really worn me down and completely zapped my strength. I only recently realised that my self-esteem is basically non-existent anymore. I started working with a therapist a few weeks ago who specialises in DV. She is helping me get the strength, and resources, to get out.Suki, yes, he does drink and is definitely an alcoholic, just doesn't realise/admit it. You're right, my little one does not deserve this. I hate myself for still being in this situation. I beat myself up so much for this but I realised, with the help of my therapist, that beating myself up just contributes to my feeling worn down and powerless. So I'm working with her to empower myself and to start believing that I can live without him. It's a bit like the alcohol - even though I know how damaging it is, I am still stuck in it
Thank you both.
M
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
I am so sorry for the situation you are in but I am also so proud of you for taking steps to getting yourself out of there! You are seeing a therapist, not drinking, not drinking when many of us would have, thats all huge!
You and your child are in my thoughts and prayers and I truly hope you continue to move forward.
You and your child are in my thoughts and prayers and I truly hope you continue to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 20
My best wishes are going out to you, Miela.
I hope you find your home situation getting better. Congrats on holding strong through a tough period.
As far as your job...just don't let it stress you out. I know it's easier said than done but I was always stressing about work too. Finally a point came when I realized that it wasn't work that was stressing me out, it was ME letting work stress me out.
Best of luck.
I hope you find your home situation getting better. Congrats on holding strong through a tough period.
As far as your job...just don't let it stress you out. I know it's easier said than done but I was always stressing about work too. Finally a point came when I realized that it wasn't work that was stressing me out, it was ME letting work stress me out.
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Riverside Ca
Posts: 117
Ouch...tough situation. Congrats on your continued restraint. It must be terribly hard to stay sober while living with an alcoholic.
Keep in your mind that your son learns from his surroundings...
Maybe being busy at work is just what the doctor ordered.
Keep in your mind that your son learns from his surroundings...
Maybe being busy at work is just what the doctor ordered.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 617
You should be proud that you didn't drink! What an accomplishment! So sorry to hear of your situation and so glad to hear that you're working with a therapist to get help. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I will say many prayers for you and your son. Please let us know how you're doing. Sounds like you're on the right track.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Proud but frustrated
Thank you all for your replies - it's means a lot.
Yesterday was day 7 for me. I had an insane day at work and when I got home there was nothing for dinner so I had to go out to the store. He asked me was I going to have a drink and I said no. He was annoyed and said he presumed I'd only stopped drinking during the week, but would be drinking on Saturday nights. I tried to explain that I was quitting completely. I reminded him I was having liver and pancreatic pain and that's not normal! It was like having my addict voice in stereo. He kept saying things like, "it's only one night", or "a couple of drinks won't kill you". I kept saying no and in the end he just got angry, saying "why did you have to ruin it for yourself" (read: "why did you have to run it for me").
Anyway, as I was leaving the house to go to the store, he told me to get him a bottle of wine. I said I didn't think it was fair of him to ask me to get him alcohol but when I was in the store I did buy it for him because a) he would've had to go out again and the main grocery store would have been closed by then so he would've gone to the off-licence which is twice as expensive, and b) it isn't worth his temper if I didn't do it.
So, I went to the store and walked around and around, contemplating whether to get myself some wine too. I had a million (addict) reasons why I should buy it - he's drinking so why shouldn't I?/I've had a rotten day at work/He's going to be angry if I don't drink (true), etc. etc. It felt unfair that I couldn't drink but he was going to. Then I tried to turn it around; instead of feeling hard done by, I decided to try and feel proud for not giving in.
So, I brought his wine home and as I was unpacking it, he asked where mine was. He really thought I would have caved in the store and bought some for myself. He was so angry when he realised I hadn't and it took him about an hour to calm down. Again, it was tempting to go back out and get myself some, to stop him getting angry but I didn't.
So, this morning I woke up to day 8 and I honestly don't know how I did it!
M
Yesterday was day 7 for me. I had an insane day at work and when I got home there was nothing for dinner so I had to go out to the store. He asked me was I going to have a drink and I said no. He was annoyed and said he presumed I'd only stopped drinking during the week, but would be drinking on Saturday nights. I tried to explain that I was quitting completely. I reminded him I was having liver and pancreatic pain and that's not normal! It was like having my addict voice in stereo. He kept saying things like, "it's only one night", or "a couple of drinks won't kill you". I kept saying no and in the end he just got angry, saying "why did you have to ruin it for yourself" (read: "why did you have to run it for me").
Anyway, as I was leaving the house to go to the store, he told me to get him a bottle of wine. I said I didn't think it was fair of him to ask me to get him alcohol but when I was in the store I did buy it for him because a) he would've had to go out again and the main grocery store would have been closed by then so he would've gone to the off-licence which is twice as expensive, and b) it isn't worth his temper if I didn't do it.
So, I went to the store and walked around and around, contemplating whether to get myself some wine too. I had a million (addict) reasons why I should buy it - he's drinking so why shouldn't I?/I've had a rotten day at work/He's going to be angry if I don't drink (true), etc. etc. It felt unfair that I couldn't drink but he was going to. Then I tried to turn it around; instead of feeling hard done by, I decided to try and feel proud for not giving in.
So, I brought his wine home and as I was unpacking it, he asked where mine was. He really thought I would have caved in the store and bought some for myself. He was so angry when he realised I hadn't and it took him about an hour to calm down. Again, it was tempting to go back out and get myself some, to stop him getting angry but I didn't.
So, this morning I woke up to day 8 and I honestly don't know how I did it!
M
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Glad you are still sober. I don't know how you're going to get out unless you stay sober. I don't know how your son is going to have a happy, safe life unless you leave. His life is in your hands. Every day you stay sober is a step closer to the door out. Every time you choose to drink you're prolonging your child's agony of being terrorized and watching his mother endure the same. This is life changing stuff.
These are the truths I had to remind myself as I got sober even though my details were different. I had to constantly remind myself that the luxury of 'someday...' was gone for me the days I gave birth.
Stay safe.
These are the truths I had to remind myself as I got sober even though my details were different. I had to constantly remind myself that the luxury of 'someday...' was gone for me the days I gave birth.
Stay safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 445
Thank you MsJax and SSIL74 
They are powerful words, but so very true. For some reason I never actually thought about my drinking as being part of the reason why I'm still here but it makes sense that it is a contributing factor. I guess it stops me facing things/being responsible.
Thank you all again.
M
Originally Posted by SSIL75 
...I don't know how you're going to get out unless you stay sober. I don't know how your son is going to have a happy, safe life unless you leave. His life is in your hands. Every day you stay sober is a step closer to the door out. Every time you choose to drink you're prolonging your child's agony of being terrorized and watching his mother endure the same. This is life changing stuff.
These are the truths I had to remind myself as I got sober even though my details were different. I had to constantly remind myself that the luxury of 'someday...' was gone for me the days I gave birth...
These are the truths I had to remind myself as I got sober even though my details were different. I had to constantly remind myself that the luxury of 'someday...' was gone for me the days I gave birth...
Thank you all again.
M
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