Justfor1

I have always felt lost in life. I feel as if I never received the handbook of "how to be happy & productive in life" that others received. I have never been happy even before I ever picked up a drink. At least when I'm drinking I have some kind of purpose. I have been trying to get sober for nearly 10 years now & at this point I'm not sure if it's possible. I accept that I'm a chronic alcoholic/addict & at this stage I don't know if I care anymore. I'm not even a good alcoholic anymore. I recently slipped and only managed to drink for one day. I guess it's a good thing as I usually go on horrible benders lastly anywhere from 4days to months. I hope that means I'm making progress?

Boleo

Abstinence is not-drinking and feeling bad about it.

Recovery is not-drinking and feeling good about it.

I used to use alcohol to feel good about not dealing with life.

Now I use life to feel good about not dealing with alcohol.

http://www.addictionsearch.com/forum...read.php?t=708

Zencat

When I was in active addiction I had no purpose. Now by living an alcohol free life, I can create a purposeful life. Newly sober I created a positive attitude. From there the rest just naturally evolved into a life with positive momentum.

Its never to late to change up until the end.

Sugah

You've described the way I felt much of my life, trying everything (it seemed) to find some sort of Purpose, some reason to get up in the morning. I kept trying to figure it out, and I kept failing. When I was at my most desperate, not even sure if I wanted to live or die anymore, the real problem was revealed to me -- all that time, trying to find something that would make me happy, my "I"s were too close together.

A happy, productive life isn't about me, or at least, not all about me. My happiness today is the product of my participation in life -- not some list of individual accomplishments and accolades, not of having what I want for myself, but of what I'm able to give to others.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

bellakeller

I don't know if there is a point to life and thus a point to staying sober for it. But really, we're not given any choice but to work with the lives we have.

I mean, I can't really choose to go be a Martian and go live on another planet. Nor was I born a dog (though some days I wish I was) or other entity. All we've got to work with is our humanity.

You can choose to show up for it or not. But if you choose not to by drinking, you're running the large risk of killing yourself anyway since alcohol deteriorates your health, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

LosingmyMisery

There's a handbook? I didn't receive it either. I think we have to find our own way in life. If you truly want something you have to go out and get it. Make it happen. I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel the same way about happiness and sobriety. Today, I have both.

laurie6781

You know for almost 36 years I knew I DID NOT FIT. I knew I walked to a different drummer, and I used lots and lots of alcohol and other stuff, just so I could fit, and I still didn't fit.

When my end came, I resigned myself to the fact that I was dying, (it felt like every swig I took off the bottle was coming out of my pores as fast as I took it in). I knew I was dying and I knew if I tried to quit I would die in detox. But, something came over me, and the thought in my heas was very strong that I wanted to die SOBER. I cannot explain it, but it was so strong, I put the cap back on that Thunderbird fifth and threw it in the back seat full of empties in my old clunker of a car.

I've told the what happened after that many times, including dying in the ER.

What I can tell you is that, back then AA was the only game in town and for some reason I stuck with it, EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO. Somehow AA gave me a teeny spark to live.

With the help of a sponsor, I started writing very early in recovery. When read later it really was a bunch of gibberish, as I really wasn't coherent enough to even start 'working' the steps until about 6 months, I had so much MUSH in my head. I was too sick not to follow directions.

What happened as time went on and I worked on me through those steps is I started to realized that YES I did walk to a 'different drummer' but that it was alright. I didn't have to be a carbon copy of everyone else.

My first 9 years were pretty rough, having some good days, lots of bad days, but I never picked up, because in my mind it was still better than when I had been drinking and using. I did have a 'gratitude list.' At 9 years sober, I went totally insane sober. Turns out I am Bi Polar. It took another 5 years to find the correct combination of medications so that I did not and do not today constantly 'cycle.' I also came to find out that BiPolars process thoughts differently. Oh we can come to the same answer, we just don't do it the way the majority of society does.

So in fact, I did and do walk to a different drummer.

Now to the good part. I kept that first year of my journals. At 25 years sober, I burned year 2 through 24. I now have an additional 5 years of journals, lol But I kept that first year bunch so I could go back and read them, and read what my hopes and dreams were for my sobriety.

I SOLD MYSELF SHORT, WAY SHORT. What has happened to me in recovery is far far greater than I could ever have imagined. Went back to school, got my degree, had my own company, helping others as I always thought I would someday do (when I was in my early teens, lol). I have traveled to other countries and all around the States, and plan on doing more.

Most important, I have made some very dear dear friends. I have learned how to take joy in 'simple' things, watching a litter of pups being born, or kittens. Helping a mare birth her foal. Raising meat lambs, watching sunsets and sunrises from different parts of the world.

I can go on and on, (((((Just))))) give it a shot. Really listen, find a sponsor that will 'kick your butt' and LISTEN to that sponsor and follow the directions.

There is a WHOLE WORLD out here waiting for you to join in.

Love and hugs,

GettingStronger2

The point to me, on both accounts, is to be available to help others.

I never received that book either, until I received my first copy of the Big Book of AA. I didn't understand that book until someone who was living a happy and sober life took me through it. Now I live that happy and sober life.

zorilla

Wow glad you posted this.this was me but for 42yrs..I now like myself.i like being different..

Hooped

I never got a handbook either but when faced with continuing to drink and likely being dead in 2 years.. or chosing life... it was time for ME to finally take the helm.

We are all captains of our own ship and you are the one setting the course.
The only place alcohol was steering me to was toward the rocks.
Every time.

enlightment

I think the world would be boring if we all "fit in"...LOL Being different is what makes us...individuals...creative, interesting.lovable...But I understand your meaning when you say it...I dont think anyone REALLY feels they "fit in" ....creating your own song to dance to is what you need to do...dont we teach our children to think on their own, and NOT follow the crowd? to make choices that are best for them? we as adults need to do the same...I think we all fit very nicely right here on this site...and each one of us is at the point of thier lives, right now, this very second ...for a reason.....whether we fit or not by whomevers rules is nuts...its absurd!! I believe things happen for a reason, we may not know what that reason is ...but someday it may be reveiled to us....

vinepest

Quitting drinking is definitely a great start, but if you want to have a fulfilling life you'll need to do a lot more than that. What do you want in life, anyway ? Answer that question, and then try to figure out what you need to do to get it. Typically I would expect you to want a certain kind of vocation. Of course it takes a lot of hard work to reach your vocational goals, but additionally you will require a plan of action.

First figure that out, and then put it into practice !

newwings

This post makes me feel incredibly emotional. Yes......you ARE making progress.

Six months ago, I felt exactly the way you do right now. What was the point of being sober? My life sucked. My marriage sucked. My only sister died of cancer three years ago at the age of 33. I had the reverse Midas Touch - everything I touched turned to sh!t. I didn't really care whether I lived or died. I smoked and drank myself to oblivion regularly, I put on a fake persona around people and my laughs were hollow and fleeting. I was an empty shell - and a bloody angry one at that, too. The only feeling I had were self loathing, resentment, and despair. I felt I never fit in.

Now I'm sober nearly six months, and I have to ask myself, 'do I still fit?'. No, probably not, but that's because I'm sober and no one else in my life is. Am I happy with this? Yes, I am. I was once a raging alcoholic, and I didn't fit. Now I'm discovering amazing things about myself I never knew existed. I have found I have an inner athlete that was never there before. I can cherish my body and mind and treat it with the respect it had been yearning for. I can now feel genuine joy. I no longer blame everyone else for the dark moments in my life. I feel FREE. Is there any point in sobriety? For me, yes.

Absolutely.

It's not like this for everyone, I understand that. But I have to echo the posts here that 'recovery' is essential. Working on yourself in the aftermath of your total self destruction is the key to moving forward, and is the ONLY way to make sense of it all. I don't do AA, so I'm proof that there are many different paths to success. It takes time and effort to find that path, but it's there.

Hugs and hope.

sugarbear1

AA saved my life. Today, I feel more comfortable in my own skin and in the world.

Just try not to drink for a day. Then maybe add another, in a row. Find a meeting & listen with an open mind. We need you!

Justfor1

I know this sounds strange but when I am actively drinking I feel that is my purpose. I don't care if it's killing me or not. I don't care that I hurt family/friends. I don't believe that I have a disease anymore. I think I'm just a selfish person who continues to self-destruct. After being to detox probably over 20+ times and rehab almost 10, I'm tired of it all. I don't want to die yet I don't think I want to live anymore either.

Threshold

Just, what you just said, I totally get that. I've been saying that, nearly word for word, to a couple of my friends this week. And my boyfriend, clean for 17 weeks says the same. I think it takes time to get our "land legs" when we've been bobbing around at sea for so long.

Sailors commit to danger, and get bored with life on land, itchy to "go back out" on the open water. Sometimes I feel that way, I was one helluva good addict, but I'm sorta average sober. I get clean, and do the recovery thing for a time, then hunt up some new excuse to use. It's easier than learning how to live on dry land.

Somehow, I feel recovery is a trap, which is insane, because being on a boat at sea....active addiction...is the real trap. just the boat, out at the mercy of the sea, whereas on dry land, I have options galore. Lots of places to go and lots of ways to get there. But I haven't been clean for very long, and my thinkin isn't straight and when I get real honest, my clean days are better than my using days, except like a sailor, I have a tendency to spin yarns about my glorious days at sea, and leave out the parts about blisters, storms, wretching my guts out overboard, sharks, and the stinking cabin with no light that I lived in.

TheEnd

I hate to sound terribly cliche, but life is what you make of it. If you can't find a meaning to your life, then your life will have no meaning. Attitude determines altitude.

BackToSquareOne

Justfor1, dealing with depression in the best of circumstances is tough duty. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are hard to overcome but it can be done. People with severe ongoing depression can't just "pick themselves up by their bootstraps", contrary to popular belief. You said in other posts that you had depression issues so I hope you're putting a lot of focus on getting the proper treatment for that. It can take a lot of work to change your outlook on life but it will be worth the effort. Stay strong J41, with the proper treatment you can get through this.

BP44

Being a complete failure at living and a complete failure at dying is a hell of a spot. It's the kind of spot that usually either ends up with death or complete and total surrender. It's the kind of spot where I'm willing to go anywhere anyone says and do anything anyone says if I don't have to be me anymore. And that's exactly what I was promised. I was told I could be changed. Had I been told that I would be shown how to cope with life, I would have walked away. I was told I could be shown a way of living that would make me useful and whole, that my life would have meaning depth and purpose. And that's exactly what's happened to me.

artsoul

justfor1 - All those things you said (not caring about anyone, life, etc.) are really coming from your addiction. Drink long enough and anyone would be saying the same things. I decided it was my fate to be an alcoholic too, which of course is insane.

I don't know that I've ever found a way to be consistently "happy" (which to me is an illusion where people run after money, love, and all kinds of escape).... but I can say that I have had moments of joy. Those moments have only come when I've been sober, though, never when I was drinking. I have no control over them - they come at random times, out of the blue and often for no reason at all. To me, it feels like a spiritual force at work.

Rather than seeking happiness today, I try to accept myself, do the best I can, and give a little to others. It turned out that this is much more satisfying than drinking, although it took some time to change my thinking.

You're a worthwhile person, justfor1, whether you're drinking or not. I hope you come to see this for yourself........:ghug3