OceanSize

i feel really lonely right now, and might be isolating too much, but right now i feel like it's ok to do.

I'm going to meetings, but mostly what i do every day is: meetings, fellowship, my apartment, repeat.

i'm on day 42 and i kind of feel like i'm going insane.

the disease is insane - i get it. But i feel crazy, which i know is not a feeling.



Here are the feelings i have today: Lonely
this morning i went through some anger, too. resentments. revenge fantasies.

right now i feel profoundly profoundly ......lonely.

i'm ignoring work, which is also giving me reasons to feel shame, resentments etc. i need to catch up on overdue work.

This morning i admitted to my home group that I am in a state of mind that in the past was a great reason to take a pain pill, which i mostly had on deck because it woke me up, made me feel more awake, not tired (it makes most people sleepy) - but here's the crazy truth: I MOSTLY liked it because when i took it, i could drink more.

That's nuts! those two things together can and will kill me. I would have horrible occasions of black outs and wretching and acting out and shame and yet i would do that. for almost 20 years.

and of course it is exactly how my last drunk happened. The Kicker: I am just now admitting this pill popping issue to myself. (and now SR)

I've lied about it for years. Years!

faked migraines, or created them. the whole nine yards. And the effed up reality is that i did that not just for the pills but because knowing that i had the pills in case i "needed" to go out with friends and drink was a relief - because i took them so i could drink more. That's insane!

I cannot let this stuff touch my lips. I have a disease. It's scary. Every day i realize something new that qualifies me but i'm still in some kind of denial, yet really working this program, willing but still knee deep in the first step. YEARS of denial about this are freaking me out. Normally by now i'd have some wine in my hand. I'm even craving it right this second. it sucks so bad. this craving. where did it come from? why doesn't it go away?



Plan of action today to get out of house and my head:
1. next 30 minutes: listen to a speaker tape. start day over
2. after that: spend 1 hour working on work-document that's overdue
3. after that: conference call for work to discuss document
4. then: get ready to go to a meeting, walk to bus stop, txt friend who is meeting me there, go to meeting
5. followed by fellowship.

Canceling Plans for Tonight: I made plans with a normal drinker tonight but canceled - i don't want to do that at all. I made those plans a few days ago and i'm confident i did that in an attempt to dare myself to party. I don't know this girl well and she will want to drink with me, it will probably be a weird to tell her that i don't drink, as i sorta lead her to believe that i do and that we will drink. I can't believe i did that!!!!!!! rephrase: I hate my disease!

Proof that I'm in my head: I'm afraid that canceling makes me a bad person because i'm a consummate canceler or schedule-obligation-ignorer. My friends have always written me off in advance as a no-show. I'm that person.


I am not unhappy with recovery - but is it normal to feel this....CRAZY?!?!

ok now on to a speaker tape.

gotta get out of my head!!!!!!!!

tryingtolive

I don't think there is a single alcoholic who doesn't know what its like to be lonley.

You are not alone. I am very lonely right now. I don't know what I am doing or how to describe my feelings.

Right now, I am putting faith in my sponsor and the twelve steps to relieve me of the desire to use chemicals for pleasure.

I see you have a home group. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps?

If the answer is no to either of the above, its possible that is the problem. If they answer is yes, then keep pushing through my friend.

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has throughly followed our path..."

OceanSize

Thank you

Yep - I have sponsor and am working the steps....

I gave her my check in on voice mail as she has me do daily and she texted me back:

"do you believe aa will restore you to sanity? Help with all this stuff?"

my answer is yes. I do!

i'm going to kick back for 30 minutes, listen to a speaker and start the day again, as has been suggested.

boy, that thing between my ears is a really selfish place to be. today is a "three meeting day" for me. I love suggestions. there are good days too but i am really really starting to sense the disease, now that i'm free of alcohol. and pills. (holy moly i took pills to help me drink more?! i dont understand that behavior of mine, it's insanity)

and now i will read page 552 in the BB then page 83, and continue the speaker tape. because I do believe in this program. I do I do I do.

tryingtolive

Hell, I only liked cocaine because I could drink more and not be sluring words, passing out, etc.

YouAndTequila

OceanSize, coincidently I was just about to start a thread about loneliness. It's awful, isn't it? I'm discovering different reasons now for my drinking, and loneliness was one of them. My problem is that I'm lonely in a crowded room, it's not even about being alone. I hope you feel better soon, hang in there!

instant

I assume on our road to being at peace we will be tested.

You are making great inroads into dealing with your struggle with yourself.

Getting friends you can work on.

Take care.

OceanSize

YES! that is also what i liked about cocaine. it was ALL about being able to drink more.

checking in: I took it easy, listened to a tape, got that document done (very last minute but needs were met), had work phone-call and am now headed to an afternoon meeting with another AA from my home group.

i actually managed to restart the day. still lonely, but feeling more comfortable about it, not freaking out. less in my head.

It's really uncomfortable in my head today, and in my skin. I'm so glad SR is here.

YouAndTequila - maybe we can meet up on chat? i'll be here later....

eJoshua

Hey OS -

Glad things got a little better. Loneliness comes and goes, but the bottle (and pills) will only take you down.

Here's hoping for a less lonely tomorrow.

OceanSize

good morning! grateful for the support, and proud to report I woke up sober!

attended 3 meetings yesterday. so glad i did. it changed everything. this is all very new.

Opivotal

I remember early recovery as a time of conflicted feelings, loneliness, sadness and HOPE. Seems like every emotion I'd been drinking away surfaced. For me it was the exact place I needed to be. I had to learn to deal with my behavior and all the insanity I put myself through. I can relate to your post and questioning the why's of my actions.

I learned to live in today, stop obsessing about the past and work on Recovery. My answers came as I progressed.... to cope and change my way of thinking.

Keep up the good work Ocean ....have faith in yourself....forgive yourself and move forward. You will gain strength and empowerment. You will look in the mirror and be proud of the person you see.




Best Wishes To You!

sugarbear1

That was me at 42 days. I also slept a lot and stayed here for company. I am now staying in closer contact with my network. You're ok. Try some window shopping or take yourself out to eat for a change of scenery!