LifeBlows

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post about self sabotage. It made me feel a lot better to realize that there are other people who did this and have been able to overcome it.

I want to call the man up and try again but I'm afraid that he'll say no or that he'll not be going out today or that I'll put in the effort and come out empty handed.

When I look at the last vaguely professional job that I had, there is no reason why I shouldn't have succeeded and moved on up. Even my direct supervisor told me that I am intelligent. But I did things that were guaranteed to make me fail or make me appear in a bad light to my colleagues. After this job I've taken the kinds of jobs where you don't need to submit a resume, bring ID or provide references. I'm aiming really low here folks, no? Things like this happen so often that I am now afraid to try. I find myself really really wanting to accomplish something and when self sabotage the resulting emotional distress makes me retreat even further.

On the other hand I am deeply dissatisfied with the way that my life is right now. I feel like Eddie Murphy in the nutty professor with a psychotic twin who shows up when I least expect it and can least afford to have her running around causing chaos. This in addition to the ambivalence that I still feel about quitting drinking is contributing to my mental exhaustion. My mind feels fogged up for lack of a better way to explain it. Oh and I also have ADD which makes it hard for me to have a coherent chain of thoughts some times.

To be frank my beliefs about myself are as follows: I am stupid, worthless, ugly, gross, failure. Intellectually I know this isn't true. I know that having some success will make me feel better but with those thoughts my evil twin comes out of hiding and b*tch smacks me into failure land to prevent that success.

For people that have been sober for a while how did you get past this?

BASEjumper

I think you need to get to the bottom of why it is you want to fail. It may be that failing is in your comfort zone, and you don't want to move outside of it. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help you. You're in charge of your pain. Try getting outside of your comfort zone, do things that makes you feel uncomfortable. I think bellaker said he used to do the opposite of what he felt like doing, and things got better. When I first started getting sober, I did the same thing for a while, and I got good results. Try calling the guy, and hold yourself accountable for your actions. Are you getting treatment for your ADD?

LifeBlows

I don't feel sorry for myself at all. I'm just frustrated with myself. I honestly want to do better and want to overcome this.

gravity

Knowing that your beliefs are wrong is a good start. I did a lot of reading and thinking about the ego, self pity, etc. Exploring/practicing my spirituality put me on a solid foundation. My self-confidence, for the most part, is right where it should be.

Eddiebuckle

LB,

One of the most significant lessons I have learned in twenty months of sobriety is that how I perceive aspects of my self has a far greater impact than I ever understood previously. I was born with moderate hearing loss and growing up had a few negative experiences with classmates as a result. The pain of those situations shaped my actions in an effort to avoid repeating those experiences. Those actions became habits, and the habits became so instictive that over the years they occurred to me as aspects of my self, my personality. I now understand that in reality my hearing never was the handicap that caused the pain. It was my perception of my hearing, my efforts to appear "normal" and to hide my loss of hearing (which of course failed, only making me want to hide it more), and all the stories that I created about my hearing that really held me back. My perception was the handicap, not the hearing itself. I reluctantly wore hearing aids, but felt self-loathing because it only made me more conscious of my "defect", it became a vicious circle.

It's similar to the first step and the serenity prayer. Initially I cringed every time it was my turn to identify myself in AA meetings. The term "alcoholic" stuck like a bone in my throat. I didn't want to be what that term meant: I didn't want to be all the images and stories that I attached to the term. But as much as I wanted to be something else, I couldn't deny that alcohol was my master. It wasn't until I simply accepted it, and ceased to fight it on any level, that I was able to move on and muster the courage to work on those things that I did in fact have control over.

One book that gave me some of the above insights was "The Spirituality of Imperfection." There are some really profound insights in it, well worth the time it takes to read.

Good luck LB.

Boleo

This has been my experience as well. And I would add to that, perceiving myself as a victim has never helped me. Perceiving myself as a student of the school of hard knocks made all the difference in the world.

Humiliation is 100% pain. Humility is 50% pain and 50% gain.

BASEjumper

What's your plan?