Justfor1

Well I have decided that part of the reason I continue to relapse is the fact that I don't actively seek a real life. I don't agree with making my sobriety my whole life. So I joined this internet dating thing & find myself constantly telling lies. On one hand I think who the heck is going to date me and on the other hand I think I'm God's gift to women. I'm not sure if this is the Bi-polar in me or what. I get the sense that everyone lies on these sites though? I even told one women that I was a "social drinker". I think normal drinkers would be shocked at the rate I consume alcohol. My recent 4 day relapse included an overdose and staggering around the city in a blackout. I just want a normal life and am tired of the lifestyle of alcoholism.

TheEnd

While I believe that you shouldn't make sobriety your whole life, I really don't think this is a good idea. I think you should get a handle on your sobriety first, then try to date.

Justfor1

Sometimes I think whatever I decide to do, I should do the opposite.

MycoolFitz

I have started an online friendship with a women recently. I don't lie because for the first time in my life I have nothing I feel I need to lie about. I also don't just burst out with my whole life story. I have reconizable boundaries and respect them. After a period of sobriety I can relate to myself, and therefore, others, more clearly and honestly. If I were still drinking or struggling with my sobriety, for me new relationships would just be throwing fuel on an already out of control wildfire.

CarolD

When I started dating....way back as a teen....the idea was to find a guy
who was cute and had a car.....

Perhaps there is some merit to the idea that we stunt our emotional growth when we are slid into active addicts?

I know from experience and observation that I'd much rather live alone than wish I were.....
I have a full social life....and playing "Let's Pretend" has nothing to do with how I live.

jamdls

Just41, I've had years of experience with online dating both pre and post sobriety and in my experience the majority of people do lie; some are just "little white lies" regarding their age/height/weight and some are way off the charts in their lying; but I also believe that there are some wonderful people on those sites you just have to be willing to wade through the b.s. I think you should be honest and say you don't drink otherwise you're setting yourself up for continual lying, you don't need to give any detail about why you don't drink though. I also think you need to be fully comfortable and confident in your sobriety before you pursue a new relationship. When I did the online dating post sobriety I put that I didn't drink and yes that seemed to have kept some people from connecting with me, I remember when I was drinking and doing the online dating I wouldn't respond to anyone that said that didn't drink; but I put I didn't mind if others were social drinkers and those that really are casual drinkers and drinking is not a "way of life" for them didn't seem to have any problem with my not drinking.

GettingStronger2

Well, my sobriety is my life. They are intertwined. Without my sobriety, what life do i have? What do i have to offer to anyone else if i am living in active alcoholism? At the same time, i have a real life. I live daily, doing the things i need to do and enjoying life as it happens. I try not to rush or force things to happen, all in time. Rather than looking ahead at what i want somewhere in the future, i live today, and let those things happen as they will.

If you don't take charge of your sobriety, you will not be sober. And if you continue to sit in your house, on the computer, lying to the people you talk to there, you are not taking charge of your sobriety. You are not doing anything different than when drinking. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I would suggest making sobriety your priority for now. The rest will follow. Without it, what life do you have?

Justfor1

Gettingstronger, I disagree the problem is I only went to meetings and lived the program. I failed to seek legit work, a relationship, my license back ect....I want material stuff. I want a car, an apartment, a girlfriend, a career ect... I think this is normal. I have absolutely nothing. I have been homeless, incarcerated and hospitalized because of addiction.
I never drank when things were going good in my life.

BackToSquareOne

I think it's important to face reality, the simple fact is that recovery has to be one hell of a lot harder when you don't have the career and financial resources to fall back on. I couldn't imagine trying to recover with no assets to speak of but by the same token you can only work with what you have. You really need to get it right this time Justfor1, the older we get the tougher the whole starting over from scratch gets. How many starting over tries do you have left in you?

SOBARweasel

You don't need to make it "your life" you just need to make it your priority and find a balance.

Without your sobriety all that other stuff's gonna go away anyway.

You mentioned "the program", what does your sponsor have to say about it?

yeahgr8

The AA program is supposed to be a bridge to normal living, how did you work the program without attaining all the normal stuff e.g. job, place to live etc? I'd go back and question what program you were working and then ask did i get a sponsor, work the steps and get my spiritual awakening? If the answer is no then fo back and do that this time...then think about dating:-)

Justfor1

backtosquare, thank you for your post. Without resources battling an addiction is harder. When I was briefly homeless the most important thing in my life was to get a stable place to live. I would not go to homeless shelters or sleep in the park sober. I had to be drunk as a skunk to deal with those places. If anyone thinks shelters are safe, guess what they are not. I do have some support now living with family members. I believe it helped me stop my 4 day bender. I normally relapse for months at a time & only stop when I am locked up in some way. My next relapse I will out the door and Chicago is getting cold already. I am being 80% honest with the women I am dealing with now. She says I'm interesting & I can't argue with that.

NYCDoglvr

There's no reason one can't be sober and have a normal life. I don't drink but that's the only thing I do differently from everyone else. It was a while before I started dating and find it's one of the hardest things to do sober. Not because no one will date me (I don't tell people I'm in recovery until the second date), but because it can be emotionally volatile. But that's part of recovery as well....

soberlicious

justfor1... I have found that as a non-drinker who has reclaimed her life, I have grown as a person in so many ways. The idea of what I am looking for in a partner has changed dramatically. The way that I feel about myself sends out a vibe that attracts specific people. When I was a hot mess, that vibe attracted people that wanted to help me, control me, or were as just as much of a mess as I was. That is not what I wanted to build a relationship on, but I didn't even know enough about myself to know what I wanted. I have been sober for awhile, even so I have been in relationships that over time I found I did not want to be in. There were many times it was unfair and hurtful to the other person to put them in the position of thinking I was who I said I was, when I wasn't really sure who I was (LOL still don't, but that's another post).

and I also know what you mean about not making recovery work your whole life...I am the same way. Certainly not drinking ever is #1, because without that I have nothing, but for me, life does not revolve around meetings or anything like that. I agree with NYCdoglvr. I don't live any differently than anyone else. I just don't drink people find me quite interesting despite and sometimes even because of that.

IMHO, there is nothing more attractive than a sort of humble confidence.

DayTrader

Those things tend to go hand in hand. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I've found recovery (and most true happiness) tends to come from doing what I need to/should do vs. doing what I want to do.

indakut

This is exactly how I feel! I am on an internet dating site and am looking for someone who is a non drinker. When I have talked to gentlemen who bring up going out for a drink I tell them that I don't drink. If they ask I will admit why.