forabetterlife

I'm so nervous to post. I've been reading SR alot lately, and off and on through the years since I discovered it. I can relate so much to what people say here, it's like I could be saying it, but have never out loud. I can't even say that I've been battling the addiction for years, because I really haven't successful quit enough times or for long enough to deserve any credit. So, yes I am addicted and I drink daily, but "battling" to me implies an effort not to, and rarely even give it an effort. As you can see, I am mad at myself for allowing alcohol to become a part of my life and a part of me, when I have so many other wonderful things to live for...my children first and foremost.

When I do stop drinking (and again maybe only a few times a year) I can barely get past a week. What's interesting is, I feel lucky that I almost immediately feel wonderful, after only one day. It's like I feel my body healing, I think more clearly, I sleep great, I'm happier...and I think, "this is life! Why do I waste so much time and money drinking, when this is how I can feel?!" I don't feel any detox symptoms at all, unless I am hugely hungover that first day. And even then, it only lasts one day. Mentally, I struggle with cravings, and getting past my triggers...that time of day, stress, money, kids, etc.. But usually once I get past it, it's gone for the day. Anyway, I want to quit again. There are times when I consider not drinking for a day, a week, a month, or more, and it literally scares me. I try to understand why I drink..it started as just a social thing for me years ago and then I think I drank out of lonliness, sadness, regret...but at this point, there isn't even reason anymore.
I know I can be better, inside and outside...I know I live a more fulfilled life and take advantage of the wonderful life that I have been given, if only I can get this alcohol thing out of my life.
It is so helpful for me to read other people going through the same struggles as I am, because I often feel so alone in this battle. Its something I can't admit to anyone. I know AA is an option but right now I find this website so supportive and inspiring. I am a single mother with a demanding job, financial worries, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. I want to stop...for me and for my kids. They deserve the best, and I am not my best right now. I hide it to an extent, but I know how intuitive kids are, and it just kills me with guilt inside that I am hurting the most important people in my life in any way, shape or form.
I rarely drink outside of my home, and usually alone. It's almost like I don't want to drink with others because I'm afraid they will see right through me, by how fast I drink or whatever.
I would appreciate any support, links, suggestions, recovery stories, anything. I want to do this. I'm tired of telling myself I won't drink, giving in, having a bad night's sleep, waking up feeling awful and guilty, bloated, and tired. I love those days waking up with a clear head and a positive frame of mind, proud of myself, being organized, and ready for the day. I want that every day.
Like many others, when I do manage to quit for a few days, I begin to rationalize to myself that I deserve a few glasses of wine, I just need to learn to moderate, I talk myself into it, and slowly but surely the cycle continues.
Thank you for reading this, I didn't intend for it to be so long )

CarolD

I'm glad you did decide to post and it was not too long....we have plenty of room for anyone interested in becomeing a non drinker...

Welcome to the posting side of our recovery community....

why not begin with keeping a journal? You could do it on here...or in private with pen and paper.
write down all the pros and cons around your drinking....and see exactly where you are.

The book that actually convinced me to quit was "Under The Influence" by Mialam & Ketcham
while not everything pertained to my drinking ..it certainly was an eye opener.

We do have excerpts as a sticky post...here is the link...you may have missed it before

[url]http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/138571-excerpts-under-influence.html[/url

Please do keep in touch and post often...we have lots of info and we are here to support you

SSIL75

Welcome! I'm glad you posted today

I too was very scared at the thought of quitting and it took me a long time (years) to really commit to 'never again'. After that though it was relatively easy. I have a year now and life is great. Paradoxically, living a sober life is 'no big deal' and a huge deal. A huge deal b/c it has improved my life so much. No big deal because I'm seeing that real life does not revolve around drinking... so I just slipped right in.

Beebizzy

Hi there forabetterlife,

Welcome! Never be nervous to post... You are definitely not alone with this.

SOOOO much in your post reminded me of myself (minus the kids, I don't have any - but almost everything else).

The final, final thing that made me stop was seeing a doctor. I really, REALLY wanted to stop anyway, but somehow being accountable to this guy, having the meds, the time off work and the 'stop date' acted as a sort of concrete 'break' in the pattern. Rather than me just constantly telling myself I would stop and either never doing it, or doing it for a day or so and talking myself into going right back.

I do not do AA or any other recovery programme (yet - I've not ruled anything out - it's early days). But as SSIL75 says, once the decision was firmly made, it was not too difficult at all (for me, so far).

Don't vacillate - there's nothing worse. You are right to say that things can be WAY better when you quit - you've even experienced it. The mental battle when 'the witching hour' comes around passed for me in one week. It wasn't even really a battle - more a case of getting used to something new.

Books that helped me were the one Carol referenced and also 'Drinking, a love story' by Caroline Knapp.

Good luck to you, and please keep posting - you'll find LOADS of support here,

BB

checkmate1

Hi and welcome, I joined up in 2008 to this site and it took me until April 2011 to get sober. I had no physical indications that I was dependent but had many other tell tale signs of alcoholism. The thread you started "want to stop" indicates also that you have a desire to quit drinking and that you have a problem and that is a big step. Good luck and keep posting as this site is fundamental in keeping me sober.

dawnrunner

I had the exact same drinking pattern as you - solitary, hiding it from the world. Drinking in public always made me sort of edgy, as in 'how can they make one drink last so long?' and 'how can that guy walk away from a half-full glass?' Because of course the proper way to drink is at speed, in huge quantities, and to the last little drop.

I also don't get sick from quitting, which has enabled me to quit and restart frequently, sometimes multiple times a week.

What has finally put me into a quit-forever frame of mind is a badly painful conversation with one of my sons, about which I am still too ashamed to write. Suffice it to say that your children do know, far more than you suspect. All that trouble to hide and sneak, and nobody was even fooled.

Well, it is a new day. Best wishes to you!

forabetterlife

Thank you so much already! Just reading your replies has motivated me. I have read so many books on the subject through the years, I'm jam packed with information, the hard part is doing something with it. Thank you for the suggestions though, I think it's time to read some again.
I agree with the idea of just making the decision just not to drink anymore...in the past, when I"ve done that, often I would feel like, ok, I'm not drinking, now what? The "now what" should be ..real life, the good stuff and the bad stuff without the complications of -where do I get it, when do I get it, do I have enough, how do I hide it, and, the inevitable, feeling awful and guilty the next day. I can relate to not even being able to fathom what your children might think, feel or say. My older daughter asked me years ago to stop drinking. Now, sadly, I think she has given up and just turns her head the other way. Just typing that makes me cry, because I love to think of myself of this great mother who just gives her all, and I do in so many ways, but then in the end, I end up so selfish making them see and feel the things they obviously do.
I have this mental conversation with myself when I am tempted...I think of how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. I always wake up happy that I didn't drink. I never, ever wake up and say, "oh, I wish so much that I drank last night!" Duh. Its so obvious, why is it so difficult?

ru12

Hi there Forabetterlife!

It looks like you are at the cusp of a huge decision that could affect the rest of your life. I know it feels scary from your vantage point . . . pondering giving up your old "friend" alcohol. It isn't really much of a friend if you think of all the things it has taken from you, but I know you know that. For me the decision to quit, the decision to not drink anymore and the decision not to ever change my mind was very hard for me to do. It was harder than the actual not drinking. I was certainly afraid of letting it all go.

Short but sweet. . . it was THE BEST DECISION I ever made. I don't drink now, no matter what. I am free to live my life as a normally functioning human that just doesn't drink. How cool is that?

ljames103

Oh wow... I could have written your post! I'm also a mom, and I go through the same type of back and forth nonsense. I drink a lot, but every time I stop (like you, not very often), I feel great almost from the get-go. It feels amazing, from the very moment I wake up sober the first morning. What a feeling, not to be sick, tired, or hung over!

But once I go a few days not drinking, something in me says "it's ok to drink again". I don't know why. But then I have "just one more drink" and it turns into many. And I'm back at it again...

You're definitely not alone...

Dee74

Welcome to the gang forabetterlife

D

HuskyPup

I'm happy you posted, it takes courage to get all that stuff out there so you can start dealing with it. I also had a ton of one week stops and starts, but have finally moved on to a month and a half...so still very new, but it has gotten better. One thing to look at are all the positives...the money you save, the lack of hangovers, looking younger/less tired, not having to worry about what you said or did...or I should say, this is in my own case, but there have been a lot of benefits already.

Glad to see you here, and wish you great success,

H. pup

raindancer11

Welcome! I'm also a mom. You'll find many here who could have written your post. Like you, I would feel great when I quit and then after a few days, weeks, even months, forget I had a problem and think I could only have one glass of wine. I have a little over 2 months. I've stopped and started so many times but this round I have some solid tools and support. It makes all the difference. Keep reading and posting. The people here are extremely knowledgeable and helpful. You don't ever have to be back in that cycle. You can do this!

forabetterlife

It makes me feel better to know that there are other people out there struggling with this in the same way that I am. It's such a secret for me, that its like my own private demon, but when I actually admit it and see I'm not alone, I feel validated and stronger. I have told a few (very few) good friends over the years about my concerns about my drinking...and I guess because I manage to hold it all together, they pretty much have told me that I'm being too hard on myself..basically that it's not a problem, that I'm allowed to drink some wine at night after the pressures of my day. But, truthfully, I have never told them the WHOLE truth..how much I drink, inappropriate times that I have drank in the past, hiding it, etc..
I want to focus on just not drinking, just erase it from my life. It seems so simple, it will eliminate so many problems in my life, and I already have enough of those!
I'm going to start keeping a journal, as one suggested and read to get some ideas of what to do to get through those tough times. It's easier for me at 8am, oh I just won't drink today. But by 4:00, it's becomes a distant memory.

instant

After many years of struggling, self criticism and anguish I am now 114 days or there abouts. Living sober is so worth it. It is a challenge to get started. I now think of it as embracing sobriety rather than giving up alcohol. Good luck.

foodie1

You've definitely chosen the right place to begin your serious journey, everybody here is so supportive and helpful.

To this I would say: at 4:00 get on this site and read or post. Or go to a meeting. I made an anti-boredom (back away slowly from the wine and nobody gets hurt) list of 100 things to do instead of drinking. When 5:00 rolls around and looks me in the eye, it's helpful to have that list to go to. It's all things I like to do, some take 5 minutes, some take 5 hours.

You can do this, and everyone here will be an amazing support for you! There are so many ideas and tips, books, songs, experiences, it's a wealth of "sober gold."

Best of luck to you!

sark

When I read your post it reminded me of myself. I struggle and am still struggling with drinking. I too am a single mother and sometimes blame my drinking on that, or the loss of my husband. I am slowly learning that I cant always blame something so I can drink. It is really hard though. Someone recommended a book called the Betty Bedford story. Its about women who struggle with alchohol. You might want to read it. Any ways good luck and I hope you find your way into sobriety.