doingwellaussie

Hi

I was a very severe alcoholic for 15 plus years.

I stopped 7 years ago and have not had a drink since.

I was in a relationship for 12 years and we grew apart and my partner left me 8 months ago.

It has been hard but I still didn't turn to alcohol.

But I want to meet a woman. But almost everything in Australia revolves around drinking unfortunately.

I can easily find a date with a drinker and although I would not drink, it would make it painful to be around a partner who drinks often or trying to kiss them with taste of alcohol.

Does anyone have ideas? Can I be with someone who drinks? Or better not to be?

I'm sure many of you have been thru this?

Thanks

Doing well

doingwellaussie

Oh and thanks for the good forum.

Ps my ex partner drank maybe once a year.

CarolD

I've given up dating and I too have been sober for years.

Why? I'm simply too old now to be interested...but I would not be
looking for companions who drink I find the smell repulsive

My options are limited now that I am 75....but I do enjoy meeting new sober friends in AA...church and the local Senior Center...:

I checked out on line dating....but it was not for me. My son married a woman he met on line and they have been miserable for 15 years.
I'd much rather be alone than wish I were ..

Congratulations on your recovery and Welcome ....

ReadyAndAble

Hi, and glad you're doing well!
Welcome to SR.

Hmmmm. Well, why not look into places to go and things to do that don't involve drinking on a Friday or Saturday evening, and see who shows up? When I was drinking—even before I was drinking alcoholically—the last place you'd find me one Saturday night would be a book reading, art gallery, coffee shop, photography class, etc.

Also, online dating would give you a way to specifically seek out non-drinkers who are looking to expand their social lives, just like you.

Congrats on 7 years—that's terrific!

Beebizzy

Hi DWAussie,

Welcome.

Well, put it this way - you have 7 years, I have 9 days LOL.

FWIW, I would date a drinker - but a 'normie' not an alcoholic. I cannot say whether it would jeopardise your sobriety, being so new to it myself. But I would like to think that I will be indifferent to who does what after some years. In fact, I already am. But I wouldn't (knowingly) enter into a relationship with an alcoholic for love nor money.

But there are in-betweens, right?

And I know we're talking about Australia here, but I come from Ireland - and even there there are people who don't drink at all, or who drink moderately - believe it or not :-)

If you feel solid in your sobriety then I am completely sure you can find and date a lady in Australia who drinks in a genteel manner.

Good luck in your quest! And congrats on your 7 years!

BB

Beebizzy

What ReadyAnd Able said.

soberlicious

I have been struggling with this myself. I have no problem dating a social drinker...a true social drinker, not just someone who calls themselves that when in reality they are hammered much of the time. I have dated those too. I have also dated sober people who were, for lack of a more mature and intellectual phrase, "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs". I have been sober for 5 years, and really just want "healthy" relationships, but because of some of my issues they have eluded me. I posted about something similiar in the relationship forum and the member onlythetruth had some great advice for me. Not sure if it would help but maybe check it out. Thanks for posting DWaussie. peace and best to you.

onlythetruth

Yes, I've been through this, and in addition to the thoughts I shared with soberlicious on the relationship forum I'll comment on the issue of dating drinkers.

There is a huge difference between dating someone who drinks normally and dating a heavy drinker/alcoholic. I'm now remarried, but my rule, when dating, was that I would date the former but not the latter. I have no issue with someone having the occasional beer or glass of wine, but I'm not about to watch my date get messed up, or God Forbid, enter into an alcohol-fueled mess of a relationship. Been there, done that!

Anyway, I did quite a bit of online dating and met my husband online (we have been very happily married for 5 years) and I quickly learned not to trust the "check the box" categories on the dating sites. Nearly everyone who drinks categorizes themselves as a social or moderate drinker. Instead, I'd look at their preferred activities and read their profiles. If their preferred activities included "bar hopping", "happy hours", "tailgating", or even "wine tastings" I'd pass, because I knew that drinking was more than just a casual thing for them.

It's probably also worth mentioning that even if a culture seems to revolve around drinking activities, that doesn't mean that the people involved place the actual activity of drinking at a high value. It may take some time and effort to become good at figuring out what a particular person values but it is worth the trouble!

anicky

Hi I have 10 yrs and my wife (who i drank with in the days) left me 6yrs ago. I now have a beautiful girlfriend whom I love more than i knew it was possible to do. she doesn't drink ... never has.
when my wife left i at first i sort of obsessed about getting another partner... i listened to my sponser but i didn't hear him or anyone else who told me to take it easy... etc... life's to short and i didn't like being alone and and and....
so internetdating, well it's good and bad, but like everything else, you get out of it what you put in to it. i mean if you obsess... or are desperate... or are in any way dishonest with yourself about, why you are there and what you are doing, well you'll probably get a kick in the ass... but if you are willing to do whatever you have to do (sound familiar?) then it might work.
eventually i gave up on the internet and concentrated on my newly started studies i'd given up trying desperatley to get a g/f and thats when I meet Nadia and we got on but, i didn't expect she'd like me (my ideas of what a cool dude was hadn't caught up to my ideas of what a good (sober) life is) so i thought she'd be looking for a funky guy who was the life and soul of the party but not an alcy'.
actualy she was looking for a guy like me (don't that sound corny?) but it was true. took me a while to realise, I think I seemed pretty thick sometimes but i didn't know how to do datting and stuff as a sober guy. i thought sobriety even got in the way, not so!
as a sober person you have so much to offer that you might not realise it.
noone wants to compete with the local bar and a bunch of drinking buddies.
noone wants to see thier loved on make a fool of themselves (even if it's only once a year a xmas party)
etc etc
and as a sober person you understand what comes first, what your priorities are and the place a loved one should have in your heart.
so my advice is, to do something you've wanted to do for a while, that reflects your charecter and involes other people, go back to school, join a walking group, nature studies, learn to sew, comunity care program etc... and the rest will take care of it's self.
easy said I know, but trust yourself, it will happen.

soberlicious

I agree! I love listening to bands and dancing. An obvious place to do this is at a bar. I have met some very cool people who drink socially or not at all in such places. I know everyone doesn't agree with this...this is just me talkin'...but it's another great point OTT.

soberlicious

doesn't sound corny to me at all...actually sounds like the mark of a pretty "cool" person.

SweetCityWoman

I am dealing with this exact issue about meeting someone - or not. I was married many years ago and have been OK living alone with my dogs for many years now. I have a great career but limited friends to do things with so basically I do things alone or with my dogs - don't go out much anyways.

So I have not wanted to meet anyone until recently. However, after being sober for 1 year now I have been thinking it might be nice to meet someone. So I looked online and see almost everyone is at least a "social drinker" and those who say they never drink might be recovering. So I thought for the first time in months that if I met someone I liked maybe, just maybe I could moderate - just a couple wines with dinner (I was also ready to straighten my hair)!! But I found myself feeling lost with these thoughts because it was difficult to give-up the idea of moderation and deep down I know it won't work. So am I crazy - thinking of risking my soberity to try to become one of the "normal" ones who have a significant other and can drink wine by the fire on a cold day or over a romantic dinner???? I long ago gave up caring what others think so why suddenly now??

So I am not sure how to handle dating - if it happens - or if I even want it. I have never been in a relationship where I had to deal with NOT drinking and haven't been in a relationship for many years!! I get that I don't want to be with a heavy drinker and I am not sure anyone wants to be with someone who doesn't drink at all (and I'd never say I have a problem - I'd just say it was for health). But I am not sure I want to be with someone who had a drinking problem either!!

So I am now just finding myself and becoming content with my sobriety and just not sure I want to complicate it with a relationship. But anything worth it takes some work and since I am not drinking I have a new energy and interest and more time to explore things and people outside of me. This all feels very complicated to me and when I feel that I just think - forget meeting someone and just stay safe - esp. because I let the thought of moderation enter my head when it came to meeting someone I liked. It wasn't doing it for me but to just be "normal" in their eyes. Now something wrong with this picture - I know what it is but not sure I have an answer.

Maybe as others have said, just be open to doing activities not centered around drinking where I might meet someone. I know I avoid some obvious opportunitites for this and hide behind my dogs, e.g., don't participate in the open dancing near my home because I walk down and only watch because I have my dogs with me!!

simplex

If you do find someone that drinks, try and pay attention early on how much they actually drink. I just got out of a relationship (met online) where drinking was THE center of her social life. Even family life in a lot of ways. My gf's drinking after a while sort got my head twisted in that I went from more than a year sober to, "wow she drinks as much as I did somewhat often, but doesn't get too crazy, just quiet and passes out/pukes. " To "omg EVERYBODY with a social life drinks" to "why not me?" to a relapse. Looking back I remember someone telling me that, "a person can get me drunk long before I get them sober." True indeed!

This was only my second relationship in sobriety (the first was also in recovery) but I guess what I'm saying is to be careful. It can be a slippery slope if the person truly is a moderate to heavy drinker. The slippery part comes in because you develop feelings for that person before you realize that their drinking habits are not purely social. From there it gets tougher and tougher to let go once you realize their choices don't really follow what you want from recovery/life.

But I'm actually in a similar position trying to find out how to meet new people sober etc. and I wish you the best of luck friend! It's out there, we just have to keep an open mind and a humble attitude I think. The right woman is out there that will accept you for the true you! (At least that's what I've been told recently and I'm desperately clinging to this

anicky

as substance abusers we come to believe that everything centers around that enviroment. everyone drinks? a lot of people dont but say they do because of social presure to be normal... the thing is i think that we alcoholics are very bad judges of "normal drinking" we don't understand the basic idea of it... maybe there is no such thing as normal drinking. i was told that normal drinking is "oh i am begining to feel the effects of that drink, I'd better not have anymore!" like w.t.f???
... be honest, don't hide that you don't drink and don't hide why. don't glorify the dingy alcoholic days of the past either.
and don't go to a bar to find the new future love of your life even if they are a "normal" drinker, YOU are not!
New times new ways.... ask your self, what would your ideal person be doing right now instead of going to a bar?
oh ... finding some one to share your life with is not a goal took me a long time to let go of that....

TwelveSteps

LOL, what a generalization! I normally never reply to Australians, because I met an Australian once and he was a jerk. (KIDDING!)

Dating sites are a great way not only to find people who you know don't drink (much or at all), but also to give potential dates a heads-up that you don't drink. Plus it gives you the added benefit that if someone sends me a message and invites me to meet up for a drink, he hasn't actually put much effort into reading my profile.

When I first started dating sober after being married for many years, it seemed impossible -- doesn't EVERYBODY drink? I found out that there are a lot more people out there who are sober, or just don't drink very much because they don't like it, or are perfectly comfortable hanging out and not drinking because it's not an important part of their lives.

Congrats on your sober time -- I'm sorry for your loss.

GG

onlythetruth

Soberlicious: I agree totally! I too have met a lot of people who don't drink much or anything at all, at bars and other places where there is alcohol. They are there for something else: the music, the dancing, the companionship, the food--something other than alcohol. Just like me!

soberlicious

I respectfully disagree. I fully understand the difference between my drinking and that of a social drinker. I have witnessed it first hand. Here nor there though...

I don't drink. period. I am proud of that fact. I have no problem sharing that with anyone or the reasons why I don't drink if I deem it appropriate. I have dated people who are "sober" that were very troubled indeed...jealous, controlling, insecure, fearful, angry, overbearing, etc. I have also been involved with people who, as it turns out, did have problems with alcohol. Never has that compromised my sobriety. As I stated before, I don't drink. period. It has, however, compromised my serenity and my emotional well being... I don't want alcoholic behavior in my life...I've already gotten off the crazy train...lol not reboarding it sober to ride along with someone else. At this point for me, it seems less a question of whether one actually imbibes or not and more a question of how emotionally healthy they are. Reasoning follows, IMO, if they are a healthy, honest, introspective individual, being numbed out will just not be something they are into. Just sayin...

good thread!!

doingwellaussie

Wow

Such volume of replies.

I will reply with some details when I get a chance

Thank you all

Dee74

Welcome doingwellaussie

I'm an Aussie too - I guess the drinking stereotype is pervasive - but in my experience, there's actually a lot of Australians who don't either drink to excess, or don't drink at all...

Where have you been looking so far DWA?

D

tooling

Great job not drinking all them years.

I'm gonna speak only from my experiences.

I have only been sober a year but had avoided alcohol while dating in the past and found it to be a pain in the 'you know what' if the women drinks.

I was dating this really hot girl that really did it for me. I loved her. But I wanted to quit and she didn't. She would go to the bar usually a couple times a week and i would pic her up from the bar and bring her to my house. She wanted to know why I wouldn't come and hang out with her and kinda 'claim my stake' in her to the other guys if you know what I mean. I refused because this would mean she has now dragged me into their world and that I didn't want. We broke up on my watch.

Now I am talking to a girl who doesn't drink or go to bars. It's a world of difference. When I call her on the weekends she isn't at the bar or salivating over the idea. She is watching a movie with her girlfriend or getting something to eat.

That's how it needs to be. You need a women disconnected with the alcoholic world UNLESS you desire pain and agony,