youngun

Hiya everyone :-)

I just wanted to say I'm really glad I joined and I've found it really helpful to read different people's experiences of drinking. Even just talking about my problems has been extremely cathartic for me. So... thanks for sharing! :-)

I guess I was just wondering if you guys lost many friends when you stopped drinking? Or any friend in particular? Did/do you drink on your own or did you have a group of friends who you drank/drink with?

I have a best friend who I've known for a very long time, and we both have alcohol problems which probably stem from anxiety and depression. We often go out drinking just the two of us (and drink extremely heavily). Our relationship doesn't revolve around drink, but we always have a great time when we do have a drink (which is becoming more frequent). I'm desperately trying to quit these ridiculous binges as I know it is a matter of time before it becomes completely uncontrollable or I find myself in serious trouble. I guess I am worried how our friendship will change though. Does anyone have any similar experiences of this?

Beebizzy

Hi youngun,

Welcome :-)

I always drank alone or with my boyfriend. Over the years I isolated WAY too much. I have a couple of friends but they don't know anything about my alcohol problem. Only my boyfriend and doctors do. My boyfriend quit drinking 2 weeks ago, and me 1 week ago.

Do you ever discuss this with your friend? Maybe s/he feels the same as you, and has the same concerns?

In any case, you know what they say, if s/he's really a good friend...

If you quit bingeing and s/he doesn't - things will change and might be a bit weird for a while, but not necessarily in a bad way. You might inspire!

And indeed - if you get out of control and/or in serious trouble - there will be no friendship to have anyway.

Good luck,
BB

SSIL75

The person I drank most with was my sister I'd say. I mean we don't live in the same city so I guess I mostly drank alone but definitely my partner in crime was my sister.

She continues to drink but less around me. I think she feels awkward. But other than that it really hasn't changed our relationship. In fact I'm much less likely to 'go to ground' so I'd say we're more in touch now than we were when I was drinking.

I recently went to see her (first time since I got sober and was not pregnant). It was a different kind of trip but wonderful. We ate out a lot!

CarolD

Hi again...

I was a very outgoing drinker...loved the bar/club/lounge ambience and had worked in them for years. I did not stay sober until
I made a job change and many other things too.


By the time I quit...all my social circle were at best...excessive drinkers. they thought I had lost my mind when I declared I quit
had joined AA and my apartment was now a non drinking zone..

So I found new sober friends in AA and we did all sorts of interestinh things outside of meetings ...it was a blast!

My best friend from those days is now living away from me but when we visit she does not drink and I don't smoke ...it's a matter of mutual respect for us.

BTW that old social circle? since I quit 22 years ago...36 have died from various alcohol related causes Some were sober most were not.
Not a one lived past 55 or enjoyed a productive healthy life ...how tragic!

youngun

Beebizzy - (nice name!) congrats on your 1 week by the way :-) I have mentioned to my friend that I am concerned about my drinking, but he always says that it's fine and that it won't do much harm to have a blowout every once in a while. He isn't the best person to listen to when it comes to that though as he is a much worse drinker than me (every day for several years now) and is reluctant to change, but is aware that it is probably necessary!

SSIL75 - I can relate to that as this friend I am talking about is very much like a brother to me. I'm glad to hear your relationship hasn't changed for the worse :-)

CarolD - Hi again! Crikey that is tragic that so many of your old scene couldn't beat the drink. That must have been pretty tough to stop in those circumstances, very brave of you!

Hopefully I can go on and find some other sober friends who I won't feel so tempted to binge with. It's very hard to been around somebody who drinks heavily and not drink myself! I think the main problem is that I equate getting hammered with having fun and being happy. Perhaps if I can change this mentality then I can stop drinking...

Mad4Chaos

Like Beebizzy, I isolated myself. I isolated to the point that apparently my wife didn't know I had a problem. For the most part, by the time I was drunk, she was in bed & never saw it. So really, the only thing that's changed is that I go to bed when she does on the weekends. How's that for dramatic change? (kidding, of course)

Beebizzy

Hi youngun,

Thanks a lot!

I reflected a bit more on your posts and I'm wondering if maybe you need to somehow separate the two issues...? If YOU really want to stop the binges for YOURSELF then I would say that is key and comes first.

In your first post you say that you 'often' go on the tear with this guy, and in your second post you say this guy counters your concerns by saying it's OK 'once in a while'. If it's OK for YOU 'once in a while', then fine. But based on the fact that you are posting here I am guessing you are not finding it ideal and you seem concerned where it could lead for YOU. That seems to me the most important thing.

He doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy. Totally normal. I felt the same when I contemplated quitting - if my bf had not also quit this would have been extremely weird and uneasy (and frankly boring for me to hang with someone drunk - I wasn't going to wait for him to quit, I was doing it anyway - but I got lucky that he felt exactly the same). But it would have passed and we would have got through it.

But it doesn't have to be either/or, as SSIL75 has described. Your friendship will change if you quit and he doesn't, but it doesn't have to be in a bad way. You say it doesn't necessarily revolve around drinking anyway - so maybe you guys can focus on the other activities for a while.

What I am trying to say is: figure out for yourself if you want to quit these binges and if yes, do it - without factoring in your friend in the decision. I mean - you cannot turn into a raging alcoholic just so that you don't lose a friend or to avoid things being weird - know what I mean? You come first.

In any case, you say he likely realises he should rein it in too (he might even be giving this way more thought than he's 'fessed up to).

Make a decision for yourself first, then talk it over with him (but don't get talked out of it). They are really two separate things. But they can co-exist (you easing off the sauce, and still being his friend).

I hope this makes some kind of sense :-)

Good luck with whatever you decide - I'd love to know how you proceed, if you feel like sharing.

BB

MattM316

My relationship with friends stayed more or less the same. But I haven't really gone out much since I came out of hospital last November and most of my closest friends don't live in my city, so in a way that's a good thing because it means i'm not out every weekend being tempted by alcohol so much.

My relationship with girlfriends had already broken down way before my drinking stopped!
Alcohol really didn't have much to do with those relationships breaking down, it was because of other things, altho looking back I don't think alcohol helped my state of mind in certain situations.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

I lost some friends before I got sober and then lost some more after I got sober. Finally, I chose to lose a few others after I got sober

I do get lonely from time to time, but I also have new relationships I'm building with friends who are in recovery and have gotten to spend a lot of time with my family since I got sober.

Oh, and I also had a best friend that I've known for 20+ years, since we were kids. He and I used to binge a ton when we were younger together, but somehow I ended up with the drinking problem whereas he was able to rein it in and now drinks moderately. He's one of the friends I have kept around and has been very supportive.

youngun

I am definitely sure that I want to stop these outrageous binges. It varies how often they are, and how long they last. But I've often drunk over 100 units in a weekend with this guy, for several years, and I'm only 22! I don't drink otherwise though, whereas he drinks almost constantly. I'm a very small, young girl and so it just doesn't seem right that I can drink this much with no repercussions! I'm sure that if I carried on this way it would only be a matter of time before something irreversible happens (if indeed my health is actually still intact).

That's awesome that both you and your boyfriend quit at the same time :-) Has it helped your relationship at all? I can imagine that it would bring you closer together and must be nice to have somebody to talk it through with.

Thanks so much for your advice, it definitely made a lot of sense! You're right that it has to just be about me and what I feel is best for me. It doesn't help being around him though as he is always drinking and it is hard to resist. And once I've had one drink, there's no stopping me...

Best of luck with your quitting as well :-)

Beebizzy

Cool! Good for you - you sound resolved and committed - that's excellent.

Yeah, that's a fair few units indeed. I've never been a bar binge-drinker. I was the closeted, solo, ritualistic, isolated, every-single-day sort - for 17 years (I'm 37 now). In the last few years it was 50-60 units per week. Not good. I only really fully realised what it was doing to me (even and especially when I wasn't drinking) in Jan/Feb this year. That was my 'this has to stop' moment.

There will be repercussions (health or otherwise), trust me - this is not a thing that gets better, it gets worse. You possibly have a high tolerance at the moment. And health aside, have a think (if you haven't already) about whether there's anything else in your life being impacted by this when you are not actually drinking. It took me FOREVER to realise all the little degradations that snuck up on me over the years: things like not caring about clothes/appearance, bad diet, missed opportunities, cutting off from people, crappy memory, depression etc etc.

Yes, I'm really pleased we did - can't imagine how it would have been otherwise. It's his 5th attempt actually - but this time he has the right mind-set and is doing great. I haven't actually seen him since before he quit (we are weird like that, rather independent :-)) and to be quite honest I'm a bit nervous about it because we used to drink all the time together and I'm thinking 'trigger'. I have no desire whatsoever to drink, but still. Not sure whether I'd be all nervous and antsy. So I'm putting it off, focussing on me and being totally selfish. But I think/hope he gets it. This is my priority, and we generally give each other a lot of space anyway.

But to answer your question - it has improved :-) I enjoy our phone conversations a lot more LOL :-) And it has been invaluable to have him to talk to about it all (I have no other support except the docs and SR!) - he is a rock with these things.

Look, there's no other way to do it (I don't think - I might be wrong, someone will correct me, if so) than to put yourself first and make quitting a priority. I really do think you should make it clear for your friend how important this is to you and hopefully he will support you. I know, I know - it is hard to resist when others are partying. Maybe you need to see less of him for a while? Sad - but some decisions need to be made here. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm not the sort to ask other people to stop drinking in my presence, just because I have stopped, but if that sits easy with you you could try that too? See, I don't think you can have it both ways, basically.

"And once I've had one drink, there's no stopping me..." This is red-flag-ish.

Feel free to PM me if you like - I don't want to hijack or monopolise your thread.

Thank you and good luck to you too!

BB

sugarbear1

I drank about 84 cans of beer in a week, daily drinking. At 5', that's a lot, with years of "practice." Not sure how you did 100 in a weekend. Keep sober today!!

ButterflyMan

Over the years I gained a group of buddies equally as damaged as me. Every weekend we would go out boozing till we couldn't take anymore. Gradually I got worse to the point I needed to stop. I thought I would have to really make an effort and go out with them occasionally even if I stay sober. Funny thing is, now that I'm not falling about with them, we have nothing in common. We were held together by addiction. Its tragic, but sometimes it won't just be better for you to pull yoursel away from a drinking mate, it will happen anyway when the alcohol runs dry.

Threshold

The first time I got sober...my 25 yr marriage came to an end. Not sure why, but the dynamics changed. Maybe there were no more excuses for my behavior, maybe he didn't like the idea of being with an addict, even a recovering one, maybe he felt less guilty about tossing me out now that I was clean...I don't know.

I relapsed after we'd been separated awhile. My current boyfriend had a drinking problem (he identifies as an alcoholic) We had a stormy relationship. I got clean and then he got clean and our relationship has been much better.

I've lost some friends when I got clean, and gained others, or deepened other relationships. There is no cross the board answer. Things change, that is for certain, but until I go there, I cannot know how they will change.

newwings

Hi Youngun, welcome to SR!

I'm glad you asked this question, because relationships/friendships after getting sober has been a big topic for me recently. I'm now over four months sober, so the experience is still quite new for me.

My hubby still drinks a bottle of wine every night, and it did bother me to start with, but now I just let him get on with it. He isn't a belligerent grumpy drunk like me so living with him drinking wasn't like it was for him living with ME drinking. We get on better, but not perfect. That was expected.

Some friends have dropped me, in particular my best friend. She's a big drinker, and she's now found new tighter bonds with the other big drinkers in our group. I was pretty hurt about it up to pretty recently, but after some thought I realized it was a great chance for me to spend time with the other girls in our group that aren't the big drinkers. I've found new connections, interests and closeness with these girls - and because we aren't all sitting round getting wasted, we are enjoying each other's company on a deeper level. I'm feeling much happier and more secure as a result.

With regards to your drinking buddy - you just need to be aware, he's DANGEROUS to your sobriety. You can certainly still be friends, but you must be feeling strong and secure in your sobriety when spending time with him. Whether he means to sabotage your sobriety or not (and I don't think he would necessarily realize it because he's probably a great guy), you have red flags waving all over the place when you hang out together. Explain to him how important it is to you that you would like support.

It's amazing how many people don't realize how bad their drinking has got until their drinking buddies start quitting. I've had two friends quit since I have, and they say it's mostly because I quit and they used my drinking as a barometer (great! ahaha).

JimE

Hi youngun, The friends I had left when I quit drinking knew I needed to get sober so I kept in contact with them for years afterward. My fear was that when I got sober I would have to stop playing drums in rock/blues bands because the guys I knew who played all got high and drank beer while playing. In AA and NA I met better players right away and we played more gigs than I was used to playing before getting into recovery.

One of the great things about those programs is the fellowship. I was able to meet and make new friends with similar interests. Some of the my old drinking buddies did fade away and a couple showed an interest in how I managed to quit drinking.