Beebizzy

Hello Everyone,

This day last week I had my last ‘private vodka party’. 7 days. Wow. Thanks SR – you helped more than you can know.

I’m so thrilled :-)

I have no desire whatsoever to drink. However, I am not cavalier about it and I remain on my guard.

Here’s what’s great:

• Clear mind
• No guilt
• Huge kick out of going to the shops and NOT buying vodka, tonic, coke 0, wine
• No dry heaves in the morning, or throwing up at night
• No night sweats and waking at 2/3/4am
• No shakes the next day
• I look brighter (or is it my imagination :-)?)
• I do Other Things (limited and simple, though) – like make meals and eat them at normal times (trust me, a huge achievement – un-heard of in 17 years)
• Knowing, without a doubt, it’s the right thing to have done. Integrity dictates that the decision is already made, therefore I must act on it. Authentic living.

Here’s what’s dodgy:

• I’m often/constantly worried (that the ducks will go bare-foot – anything and everything basically)
• Some kind of deep, frozen, inaccessible depression (melting and rising to the surface now)
• I’ve done ‘healthy eating’ before and it never lasted (though I’ve never done it AF) – no confidence in myself to sustain it
• Not sure I’ve made a dent in ‘underlying issues’ (whatever the hell they even are) – working on it with psychiatrist and therapist. Not fond of it. All the more reason to do it.
• ‘Thoughts’ when the witching hour comes – 6pm, ‘ooh I used to drink now’ – relatively easily dismissed, but still. Anxiety and twitchy-ness peaks in the evenings
• Some residual nostalgia for my old life (which sucked)
• Not been tested yet – in a bubble – not back in the real world yet
• Scared to leave my apartment, scared to have contact with people that isn’t virtual, scared to go back to work (a macho, bullying environment, dog-eat-dog etc)
• Headaches
• Wondering what the point is, sort of…? I know, I know – I KNOW fine well what it is. But still.
• Trying to overcome instant gratification to FINALLY have the maturity to endure things (worries, bad feelings, boredom, antsy-ness) and let them pass, and REALISE they won’t kill me. Alcohol will.
• Overwhelmed by the simplest of things – apartment a mess – guilt-inducing etc

Here’s what I did:

• Saw a therapist for my pointless, rut-filled life who said she cannot do anything with me until I quit the sauce and referred me to an addiction psychiatrist
• Saw the addiction psychiatrist who is a god-send. He is thoughtful about medication, he has a holistic approach, he listens and responds instead of grunting and writing a script (which has been my experience with multiple psychiatrists in the past)
• Got almost two weeks off work
• Took valium to detox – weaning off it now (worried about this)
• Took vitamin B two months before I quit and still taking it – felt much better on this alone
• Taking a multi-vit
• Taking Omega 3
• Started a low-dose anti-depressant which will increase, unless I feel better in a week due to the above vits, in which case the ADs are not needed (as they take 4-6 weeks to kick in) and we stop them
• Need to build in exercise – 3-4 hours a week, he insists (gulp – am a heavy smoker, walking in the park is how it will start)
• Need to not isolate (major gulp – scared of going out/of other people etc)
• Drinking loads of water
• Eating as much fruit and veg as I can (doctor’s orders, again) – also unheard of in many years

There we are. Long post. Me, me, me. Apologies. I so much value the feedback I get on here, but maybe I’m pushing my luck :-)

Can anyone relate? Especially to the ‘dodgy’ category?

Many thanks,
BB

CarolD

Hmmm....
I did feel back in mental and physical balance by the end of 2 months.
I was doing some of the things on your list...some I found I did not need to improve my life. ..
My local AA meetings and new sober friends were really vital...

Well done on your early progress...
Keeep tweaking the good ones....let go of the bad ones as soon as possible.

Beebizzy

Thank you Carol!

I know, indeed, it is early days and I need to give this more time. And you are right - the sooner I face my fears, the better.

Thanks again,
BB

BullDog777

i think we all experence the dodgy stuff to one extent or another. almost everything on your list sounded familiar. i think that's the "ism" of the disease. everything that makes us doubt ourselves is the the exact reason why we cannot listen to those feelings.

for me, this place is a large part of what keeps me sober. i recommend you stay plugged in here. it's a great place.
good job on the sobriety so far.

JimE

Congrats on seven days! You're already making changes for the better. I can relate to the dodgy stuff. A day at a time or a little at a time those things will get better. It's normal to feel a little worried about leaving the bubble and being tested in the real world. I'd be concerned if you weren't. Change can be scary but you can do it. Those underlying issues can be addressed soon enough and you've already got yourself hooked up with the addiction psychiatrist.

I found writing things out helped me at first and it still does at 20 years. That's one of the great things about coming here, you can write all you want and people will actually understand what you mean! I tried telling my so called normal friends the things I was going through when I got sober and they just looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.

Good goin'

sugarbear1

You seem leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at 7 days! You'll be ok.

Beebizzy

Thanks everyone for your replies - invaluable as always.

@BD777 - good to hear (you know what I mean :-)) that this is part of the process. Closing my ears to it big time and I'm not going anywhere - try keeping me away!

@JimE - interesting that you say that writing helped you. I'm doing the same in a journal (need to do it more though), and indeed it is exactly what my therapist recommended this morning. I'll also do it here, because I have no other support except for the docs and my bf (which is already not too bad :-)). I'm terrified of change, and 'go slow' is the message I'm getting from everyone.

@Sugarbear - thank you - I hope I'll be OK.

Valium almost weaned-off. Worry, anxiety and depression settling in nicely, making themselves at home :-(

Thanks again,
BB

soberlicious

"Do the Thing you Think you Cannot Do" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

beebizzy, you can do this

Hevyn

Beebizzy - Very, very good stuff - I loved it. I think you're doing amazingly well at only 7 days. I was still filled with resentment & doubt. You're looking the dodgy stuff straight in the eye and confronting it.

I relate to most everything on the lists, especially 'residual nostalgia for my old life' (which sucked also ). Shoving those thoughts down & marching forward is hard, but we're doing it! Thanks for a valuable & helpful post.

Beebizzy

Wow, Hevyn, you really think so? Straight up? Thank you x 10.

I often feel like I sabotage myself and don't know how to live - know what I mean? Brings shame.

I'm honestly delighted not to be drinking. Less thrilled with the increased anxiety and depression - but I know it will all take time to even out and I have a good doctor. I'm not famous for patience.

I was going for a 'new me' in one week. Doh.

Thank you so much for your kind words - I'm chuffed :-)

BB