Faith1984

I'm a 27 year old female. I've been through alcohol withdrawal some years ago (I was 24), staying with my parents at the time because I was so anxious, and under medical supervision. After that I had to go to a clinic anyway, because of the panic and depression (I suffer from a panic disorder, which I only made worse by drinking so much and going through constant withdrawal). Back then I had a "reason". My abusive boyfriend had left me, and it took ages before I realised I was better off without him. By that time, I was already hooked on about 2 bottles of wine a day (sometimes more). I didn't like it anymore and my stomach couldn't handle it anymore, but couldn't quit because of the withdrawal effects. I had also gained a lot of weight. That time I lost it easily after I quit drinking.

I can't exactly remember when I went back to drinking. It started out with only a bit, because I could and because of the taste and fun. Lately it had been getting out of hand, I had again gained quite some weight and I got worried about doing permanent damage to my body. I also know it's not doing any good for my panic disorder: I'll have way more attacks in the morning after drinking than I would normally have. (normally it's fairly well controlled by Sipralexa, but alcohol has been ruining the effect).
Lately I've been working on my lifestyle, started sporting (running) and wanted to loose some weight, as well as do something about my anxiety. I was feeling fairly well, but one thing was still in the way of everything: alcohol. I realized no matter how much I watch my food, how much I train, alcohol keeps me from being the person I want to be. With a positive attitude already, I now started on quitting again.
Good thing for me is that I have anti-anxiety medication (clozan) which for me through my first day yesterday and will help me sleep without nightmares (actually they are more like hallucinations, I feel awake but I still hear and see things that aren't there, until I'm able to move and turn the light on, feeling very much like there's still some "doom" in the air then.. as soon as I nodd off, it comes back. And I need my sleep!)
So as for withdrawal, I'm using Clozan when needed, and taking a vitamin B-complex. So you could say I'm pretty lucky. I feel very convinced that I don't want to give up, but one thing that's worrying my about a possible relapse, are the cravings and the depression in the evening. I've never been a day time drinker (except on weekends), but in the evening, I feel like I'm SO missing out on something that became my daily routine. Yesterday I went to run but felt like wanting to cry in the meantime. This morning I woke up like "I missed something last night" and even sort of missing the otherwise annoying side effects of drinking. I didn't feel like starting the day really. Also I've been yawning all day, even though I didn't take any Clozan. I know I have to be careful with coffee, but I could barely stay awake. Tonight I am writing this, hoping that it will work therapeutically and make me feel less lost. I'm readying "The easy way to stop drinking" by Allen Carr, and although at first I couldn't stop reading, now it feels like it makes me focus so much on it that it's making me more depressed. Today is my day off from running (I'm on a beginner's program and it's stated clearly that I should always take one day of rest). I'm hoping to find a funny show on TV, but yesterday I did, yet I had to cry. How long is this going to take?
I got some over-the-counter caughing sirop with codeine (nothing else in there so no risk of side effects, we have these in my country).. I know I'm able to stop codeine without many side effects, I've done so before, as long as I don't take it for too long. I have this on hand for the case that I can't handle the depression anymore and would otherwise resort to drinking. I know this is no ideal solution. And I need to find another one in the long end, I don't want to start a new addiction. I just feel like I'll need something to cope during the first few days. If I can, I will avoid it, even if it's just because of all the sugar content (after all I'm trying to loose weight.. I'm not much overweight, but gotten a little chubby.. I know this is from drinking). When I was younger I lost the weight very quicky, now I'm worried that it's going to take ages. After all I had already cut down on my alcohol usage, but I haven't noticed much weight loss. How long is this going to take, and more importantly, how long before I feel fine again by myself in the evenings? I have a wonderful job and collegues and I must say, I get through the day pretty well, except in the morning I feel like crying, I hope I won't do that tomorrow.. I have to go to work, I can't take time off now! It's the evenings alone at home that kill me..
Thanks for listening, and also good luck to all of you, keep going!

Faith1984

I expected a lot from the book, since I once quit smoking for quite some time after seeing an Allen Carr's video, but being even over half of the book, it can't seem to really speak to me.. I can't find myself in it Does this mean I'm just not ready?

1undone

In my opinon quiting is a bit of a process especially at your age. I think there is a lot of peer pressure to party and drink when you are younger. Now that I'm 43 I just don't find that anymore so it's gotten easier to just not pick up.

I think no matter what you should keep working out and trying to take care of your body. All these drugs and all this thinking about drugs is enough to exhaust anyone. Do you have insurance? I'm thinking you need to get evaluated to see why you have decided to medicate yourself again. I have panic, depression, mood issues myself and I can tell you that since I got serious about working with a Psychiatrist to get my meds right I've not really craved alcohol but I'm still new in this too.

I may be 43 but I didn't always abuse alcohol even though I've been diagnosed with my mental issue since I was 13yrs old. I have traded one addiction for another and I can tell you it's all a dead end road. I believe that without trained help with our mental health issues you are going to be searching and searching for relief and it's just going to make you worse off.

I wish you all the best and I'm glad you posted here. It take a lot to do so!

Faith1984

Thank you for replying this quickly.
There is indeed quite some peer pressure at my age, but I must say that about a year ago I've met some very good friends who don't drink a lot, and would never force anyone to do so. I feel like my life has only gone forward since I can go out and not rely on alcohol to have fun. My problem was/is rather drinking at home. I don't even know why I did it anymore, since I have everything to be happy with. I don't have a boyfriend, so maybe I feel a bit lonely at night, but I can honestly say after some bad relationships (especially the abusive one) I can't say I really feel ready to get into a relationship.. I also don't fall in love very easily, so I haven't met the right person yet in years.. so be it. I rather have some good friends, and I've promised to myself never to neglect my friends anymore for any new relationship if there would ever be one.

I do have insurance, and in my country we also have compulsory state organised insurance, which covers many costs. The main problem with an intake is that after 4 weeks absence from work you lose a big part of your salary. Also, since I've already been in a clinic some years ago, I'd be scared of losing my job, which I love (and actually kinda live for, I spend many hours late there do to the nature of my job, but I do not mind, since I live alone, with a pet)

I'm already seeing a psychiatrist for my panic disorder. The reason I'm self medicating is that I haven't had the courage to tell him and my family that I've relapsed with alcohol.

The reasons that I want to quit is that I don't want to have to deal with withdrawal anymore when sleeping over at a friend's house (which I usually avoid, although I would like to), that it seems to make me more prone to illness, making me unable to get much further with running than I have until now (and I've just found it to make me feel so good and deal with my anxiety much better.. I hadn't done any sports in like a year, but I'm glad I've started). It's also making me gain weight, but that's just a secondary reason. The idea of what I might be doing to my organs at a young age, and the fact that I could feel so much better if I quit, is much more important to me.

I used to think I drank do to my anxiety, but recently, I've started to believe that it's actually causing the reverse.

What I'm now trying to do is to self medicate the withdrawal effects of alcohol (which would recently already start to kick in at 5pm at work, which made me want to leave even though I would normally enjoy working for another hour.. this was a big alarm bell to me!), not to get any high out of them, but to get me through the first few days while not missing out on work.
I know that it would be better to do this under medical supervision and with support from someone (other than reading people's stories on this forum, which helps me feel that I'm not alone), but I cannot bring myself to speak out.
I've several times considered attending an A.A. meeting, even though I believe this might not be for me, since the "higher power" thing scares me, I wouldn't know which higher power to believe in.. but I seriously considered to try it at least once, even though sceptical. I found out however that the nearest meetings are in the area near my city, but still too far and too late to get there and get home safely. I do not drive a car.

I wonder however, even if I stick out through these first days (or will it be weeks), and I feel very determined to do so, will I be able to not relapse again later? At my age it feels very scary to think of never having a drink again.

Faith1984

I must say I already feel quite a bit awkard for posting this.. even though no one here knows me. I guess it's writing down what I already knew..

And like I won't be able to sleep (it's over midnight here).. and gonna be on the toilet all night :/ But I guess that could all be lots and lots worse.

lund1982

The "Higher Power" thing freaked me out too, at first. I grew up a Catholic & had a pretty bad association with the idea of "God". I was at such a desperate point in my life, though, that I opened my ears at meetings & considered the group to be my HP for a spell. Every time I've sat down on one of those folding chairs, I was admitting that I was powerless over alcohol & was willing to give it up to a power greater than myself. You are not alone, meetings are all over the world at all times of the day. Take what you want from the shares in the rooms & leave the rest. It can't hurt! Also, I assure you if you make 90 meetings in 90 days & don't pick up the anxiety you feel will be more manageable a day at a time. I've had a panic disorder since I was 14 & never really dealt with it when I was always seeking escape in a substance. Plus, the pills never worked because every other thing that I was using canceled out their effectiveness. I've found that sometimes you have to go against the grain of your thoughts for life to improve. Anyway, congrats on your decision to quit, that's the first step. Don't throw in the towel before the miracle happens. Oh, & I am sure if you asked a family member for a ride or even called your local AA hotline someone would be willing to give you a ride. Take care!

CarolD

Welcome..

Thanks for joining with us...someone is here 24/7 ..you can log on anytime for support...to read our experiences and information....

While panic attacks are not part of my medical history...my drinking did cause situational depression diagnosed by my doctor
For me...it took about 2 months to completely leave...but it began lifteing a lot every few days.
I'm so glad you have that already in place.

Please do keep posting...you too can win over alcohol...

Stobert

Your testimonial is honest and introspective, and you write very well. I went through anxiety issues when I was drinking/withdrawing, it got much better very quickly when I finally surrendered and quit. The withdrawal at inopportune times was horrible, a couple of times I was in circumstances such that alcohol wasn't available for extended periods, the withdrawals brought me face-to-face with the gravity of my situation. When I finally detoxed, it was in a hospital, don't know if I would have made it on my own.

babycat

You remind me a lot of myself. I am 28 and last year was my first attempt to sort of quit. I did not ever really fully want to quit, just thought I could moderate after taking a break from drinking.
I also wanted to lose weight, again like you not really overweight but chubbier than I was used to and comfortable with. And man, the weight just fell off me with the combo of not drinking, eating right, and working out. Then I decided I could drink again and it slowly came back and now I am exactly where I was a year ago.
It is hard for people around our age. I just don't know what to do on the weekends anymore. I too have the 2 bottles of wine nightly ritual. And tho I feel SOOOO much better when I am taking care of myself (less morning anxiety, anxiety in general, energy, weight loss) I still want to drink! Thats insanity!!
I am (for what feels like the hundredth time) on day 4. Moderate withdrawal the first day.
I just finished some yoga and a run. I feel great. And yet, I want to drink.
I get the feeling you drink from boredom in addition to the anxiety. I know I do.
Alcoholism really, REALLY sucks. I am sorry you are suffering.

sugarbear1

If you have insurance, why aren't you getting proper help???
You are an adult, be honest with your doctor so you get proper treatment.

I will say a prayer for you.

Best wishes!

Faith1984

Day 3. I'm doing better than I would've thought, maybe the worst is still to come? Didn't need any tranquilizers yet today, although I felt a little shakey. I just feel more awake now during the evening again compared to this morning, like I probably won't be able to fall asleep easily again.
I was thinking of skipping the running today, because it's raining.. but I've changed my mind, I'm gonna go get dressed for running and go anyway, at least it's not raining all that hard. I'll probably be glad I did when it's over.

As for why I'm not getting professional help.. see the reasons stated in my previous posts. I've had help before, it didn't last. I don't want to let everyone down again, I can't miss work now, I probably couldn't afford staying in a clinic away from work again for several weeks (or would it be longer this time).. work is exactly what seems to get me through, and losing my job would be a disaster for me (I think it's my second addiction). Also like I said, after 4 weeks we loose the income we normally get, and get put on a much much lower income payed by the government. With that, I couldn't even pay for my mortgage.

If/when I feel that I can't handle it anymore or the cravings get too bad, I will probably consider this anyway, but the consequences could be bad. I'm going to try on my own willpower for now. And I'm going to excercise, rain or no rain.

I hope I haven't made any bad writing mistakes or malformed sentences, since as you might notice, English isn't my native language.

Faith1984

I'm worried about the next few days. I've been doing fine until now.
Normally we're closed for vacation (I work at a university), but the job we do at our department required some work during this vacation (days we would later get back when we like to take time off).
Normally I would still be working next week, but since some of the equipment we have ordered didn't yet arrive, we're out of work for a few days. We can start again when it has been delivered next week, but I don't know beforehand when that will be.

It means that I will be at home for monday, probably longer, but don't know exactly when to go back. If I knew that, I could go to my parents for a few days, but now that's too hard because I wouldn't make it back in time to the city when a call would come in from work that our stuff has arrived and go to work again the next day.

So basically I don't know what to do with the sudden unexpected vacation days, which someone else would surely enjoy!

I know some things I can do like study and excercise, but surely if I stay at home here I will feel lonely.. which may make it harder to stay away from drinking? I don't want to screw it up now!

If it would be a weekend, there would be some friends I could call and go and do something, but everyone will be working. I'm worried.

CarolD

This would be a good time to check out your local AA groups I think..

Then you won't be so alone and you could meet others who are interested in finding a sober future.

sugarbear1

Life is my higher power. Do I want to live or die? I choose to live for my Life.

Faith1984

I want life, for sure. I still enjoy life too much to let that slip away. I haven't had much of a fun life when I was in high school (lots of bullying) and ever since college things have gone better (except slipping into alcoholism, after partying too hard there), but still yet, except for that, things have all gone so much better, I've met so many cool people, recently also some who manage to party as well as have serious conversations with friends, all without alcohol. I have a job I enjoy.. so I can say there's so much that I have, that I should consider myself lucky, and would be very stupid to let all that slip away!

I must say I haven't been missing alcohol that badly recently, and I've been doing some things that needed to be done finally. Also I've booked my vacation for mid-september finally. And I've been doing things I enjoy that I've been wanting to do for a while, simple things in life, like going to the zoo again after years (I really love animals, they calm me down).. simple things like that, but I wouldn't have been able to do them with a hangover (or withdrawal symptoms rather. I've never gotten much of the real "hangover feeling for the last year, they're always more like withdrawal symptoms, even just after a one night binge)
Also my running (although still in a beginners program, but advancing, compared to where I started with really NO health or decent physical condition), has gone better and better, and it seems to be a good thing, not only for losing weight, but to decrease my heart rate and panic attacks.

The last time I had a "holter" test (which is basically walking arount with a heart monitor for 24 hours, I was still drinking _and_ suffering severe anxiety. I was shocked to hear that my highest measured heart rate was 169 bpm.. in rest, without any sports or anything. That was quite scary (but I _felt_ it too) even though, luckily, it seems nothing else is wrong with my heart.
I can say, just by how I feel and by measuring regularly, that it's gone down a lot. I used to average 110 for quite some time, now I'm usually under 80. Big change.

So yes this is obviously the right way to go.