anomie666m

On the face of it, I should be happy. Yet I've never been this sad in my entire life. I know I suffer from depression and I know I should do something about it, but I feel like I'm so stuck I can't even make progress at doing the things I need.

For years I've been self-medicating to get away from myself. The truth is that I absolutely hate myself and my life. Since I haven't been drinking, the demons in my head are raging non-stop and I feel like sometimes I can't even breathe. I'm about as sad as you can get. Bad thoughts keep hounding me non-stop and I feel like I've burned every bridge available.

I don't know what comes first, the mental health issues leading to the boozing or the boozing leading to the mental health issues. I just know that since I stopped drinking every single day has been a nightmare. I'm having near daily panic attacks and I feel like there is no life inside of me. Like I'm a walking zombie. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or laughed.

I go to AA meetings and I see people who genuinely seem happy. When does this occur? When does it get easier?

The idea of drinking again scares the $hit out of me, but the idea of staying like this scares me even more. For many reasons, I'm afraid therapy really isn't an option for me so I'm hoping there is something that can get me out of this destructive thought pattern.

MycoolFitz

Sobriety is a good place to start but not always a good place to stop. Are you consulting a doctor or therapist? Ther are many of us with all sorts of duel and multi-diagnoses. All are worthy of being examined and dealt with. I believe peace is obtainable, sometimes it just takes a hell of alot of work and a willingness to look into a class darkly. Everyday is an opportunity to take a step foward into the daylight. You just have to keep moving.

CarolD

Sorry to know of your sadness...

I know when my doctor diagnosed me with situational depression I did quit drinking and it took awhile to get back in mental balance...about 2 months.

I hope you can get pass this early sober time saddness without drinking. Alcohol itself is a depressant.

I can tell you...when I began working my AA Steps...I shifted from shakey sobriety into solid recovery
I found it improved my life in so many ways....

DayTrader

It happens as you improve your conscious contact with your own personal HP. Our experience is.....the fastest path to making that happen is by working the steps as the program was designed.

I can reeeeeeally identify with that last paragraph. The idea of life going on, as it was.....drunk or dry.....was like WORSE than a death sentence for me. I did both - AA AND therapy. Therapy helped me see a lot that I was delusional to.......helped with inventory........and helped a ton in a general sense. The solution though, that was in AA. It REALLY helped that my therapist is a big-time "step thumper" in AA and a therapist.

Maybe do some searching and do both...AA and therapy - but if I had to pick one, I'd pick AA no question asked.

ZZworldontheweb

For me, it took a couple of months. It takes that long for your brain chemicals to even out. Chin up, it gets better.

tomdecel

I am in no way qualified to talk about depression but I am not a naturally "happy" person either. I see people laughing at stupid jokes and wonder: "what did I miss?"

What I can tell you is that I wake up every morning and I can think of so many things I can be unhappy about and an equal number of things I can be happy about.

I focus on the happy ones. Sure you need to carry your baggage with us, but sobriety has made it a lot less heavy to schlep around. Dwell on the good in your life. Focus on the positive. Go out of your shell and make something worthwhile happen, for your or for someone else.

I go around and smile at strangers a lot now. Sometimes while driving on the freeway. It is very hard for me and sometimes awkward to put the frown aside. But having someone just smile back at you can be very uplifting.

Adisa1101

anomie,
i want you to know that i can completely relate to what youre going through. ive battled depression and anxiety since i was nineteen. on and off of medication, in and out of therapy. it can truly be a nightmare. i understand. especially since weve self-medicated with alcohol for so long that its all we know. give yourself a break though. depression is no joke. i still experience the panic attacks and im working with my doctor to get my medication just right. have you thought about going to a doctor to see if medication will help you with the panic attacks and the depression? it still needs some tweaking but it definitely helps for me. ive been trying to go to as many meetings possible too with the hopes of achieving the happiness that is found in the faces of the people there. hang in there. you will make progress. i know it sounds cliche but small steps. set small goals. i know how it feels to be overwhelmed by sadness. go easy on yourself. the worst thing we can do is drink. there is never true happiness at the end of that road.

Reset

I can relate to so much of what you wrote, but this in particular jumped out at me.


If I had to put it in a nutshell, this is exactly why I quit. Because I really wanted to get rid of the mental health issues, and I didn't know if alcohol was the cause, a contributor, a symptom, a roadblock, whatever. But I did know that if I didn't stop with the alcohol, it would be impossible for me to find out.

And about a month after I quit the depression came roaring in like a monsoon. I could barely get out of bed for a month, and with the help of a therapist and some medicine it took another month, but I got progressively better over time.

What I learned was that the alcohol was suppressing a lot of problems (like anxiety) and the only path out was in fact quitting. Because I couldn't properly address the problems when alcohol was clouding the picture.

You'll get better but it could take a while. Not sure what your reasoning for not being able to see a therapist is, but at least see a doctor. Even most primary MD's understand the basic symptoms of depression and should be able to help.

And good luck, hang in there. You're on the right path.

checkmate1

I have struggled with my mental health for years. Anxiety and panic attacks were the norm when I was drinking. I got fed up and sought help from my doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants they saved my sanity and gave me some breathing space to recover.

About 6 days off the booze the doctor increased my dose and I have never looked back since. There's lots of methods of getting sober, everybody is different. Just spend your spare time searching and reading through some threads here on SR and get some ideas and when you see something that might be helpful jump on it.

Mad4Chaos

I went though a period where the guilt of drinking made me depressed. Yet, when I was sober I couldn't wait to get drunk. It's a vicious cycle. I hope you find what works for you, you're doing the right thing.

nandm

I can very much relate to what you said. I too don't know which came first, the mental health issues or the alcoholism. What I have learned is it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I have to treat both of the issues. If I don't treat the mental health issues I will drink and if I drink I will not address the mental health issues which keep me drinking and destroying my life.

What I finally did after feeling insane for the majority of my first year of sobriety was seek outside help. I talked to my primary care physician who referred me to a mental health provider. The mental health provider then address the medical/medication part of my mental health issues. It took some time for me to realize I also needed to address the mental health issues from the core which meant therapy as medication only covers the symptoms.

I realize you said therapy is out of the question right now but please talk to your primary care provider and see if you can possibly start on some medications until therapy is an option. It can at least provide some relief for you during this very difficult time. I know it helped me until I could start therapy and it was quite some time before I was able to do that. I still take mental health medications and am in therapy after 10 years of sobriety but I can say things are much better than they were in my first year of sobriety.

I wish you the best and also encourage you to check out the mental health section of this forum you may find it of some benefit to you.